Hi Project,

I’m the father of a gay guy and I read your forum several times together with my wife to understand how to behave with our son and undoubtedly it was useful. I will not tell you about our worries and doubts, and above all the uncertainties about how to start a direct dialogue with our son, but in the end we succeeded, and our relationships have always been good, or rather they would have always been good if there had not been a point on which our son’s attitude worried us a lot.

He is now 17, he has a special friend, let’s call him so. In the past I could not deal with my son in a direct way, since he did not, we often spoke of sex, especially of prevention, but my wife and I were always very careful not to intrude too much into his private things. The other guy, whose name is Steven, came to our house several times, and we talked a lot, he’s a mature and responsible guy, he had dinner with us and once he even went to sleep at our house. I also knew his parents who seemed to me very good people, until a few days ago I didn’t know what they knew about the son then Steven spoke with us explicitly and said that his parents know everything. I asked Steven if, according to him, it would have been useful for him and for my son that we would contact his parents and he said yes.

A few days ago, in the afternoon, my wife and I went to see Steven’s parents, Steven and my son were also present. At first it was a bit embarrassing, but then the guys themselves got us out of trouble. And here comes the sore point. My wife, Steven’s parents and I were all in agreement to advise the guys the utmost caution, and Steven agreed, but my son didn’t want to know reasons and made it a matter of principle. Generally he’s very reasonable but it seemed to me that in this case it was just an obstinacy. We tried to make him reason in every possible way. Steven reminded him of the example of one of their comrades who was put in serious trouble by the gossip of other comrades, some parents and even some teachers, because, even if it may seem incredible, the teachers who make stupid gossip and who address the guys in a homophobe and rude way still exist.

There was only one argument that made my son recede from his obstinacy. Steven told him: “Louis, look, for you the coming out is a fundamental thing and you say you will do it anyway, but for me it’s something to be avoided, not absolutely, but because today we cannot afford it. In short, if you want to feel free to come out, I cannot stop you, but I cannot even be forced to do something that I just don’t want to do. That is, if it is just as you say – an inalienable issue of personal dignity – well, then it is good that I put myself aside, because I don’t want to feel forced to do something like that.” This speech put my son in crisis, he who did not accept his parents’ prudent speech was sensitive to the idea of not forcing his friend to do anything against his will.

At the end of the evening, the weather seemed quiet and the three of us came back home, but evidently our son was not at all convinced. In the car he began a tirade, that no longer ended up, on courage, dignity, self-respect and so on, I told him that he knew what we thought and that we and his mother talked about it so much and we had reached the same conclusions. Then I added: “You have to deal with Steven first of all because you can put him in great difficulty.” He tended to minimize, trivialize, to do a moralistic preaching, but I closed the speech: “Obviously you are free to make your choices but we don’t follow you on this ground.”

The next day, after school, he came home together with Steven and, in front of us, he quarreled furiously with him, something I would never have believed possible, he called him “designated victim”, said he was “plagiarized by his parents” and other things that I avoid mentioning, Steven got up, greeted me and my wife (not my son), took the door and left. My son made a scene with us, he seemed like another person, he raised his voice, tried to verbally vent against Steven and also against us. My wife intervened to close the discussion, and we left for our room. Louis went into his room slamming the door.

My wife and I looked at each other very worriedly, we didn’t know this side of Louis at all and it troubled us a lot. The following morning Louis left the house early to avoid meeting us and didn’t come back home at the usual time after school, but around five o’clock in the afternoon. I didn’t know where Louis was and I called Steven, who replied: “Oh, hello, listen, I’m a little busy now, I’ll call you as soon as I can.” Such a conversation could only mean that Louis and Steven were together and I didn’t worry.

Shortly after five o’clock Steven called me back and told me that with Louis they had arrived at a “truce” but added that he thought he would be able to change my son’s opinion. When Louis came home he expected an underlining of the fact that he had arrived very late, but neither my wife nor I said anything but that lunch was on the table in the dishes, and that if he wanted to have lunch he could do it. My wife and I prepared to leave the house, we already agreed that we would leave Louis alone to avoid scenes like that of day before, but he stopped us.

“Where are you going? You never leave at this time!” My wife replied: “We thought maybe you’re better alone and we leave you your space …” He continued: “Enough with these stories! A minimum of prudence is fine … but as soon as the conditions are favorable, I will do my coming out all the way, because I don’t want to live in the sewers but in the light of the sun!” And so I said mine: “No! You still don’t understand something very important, as long as you stay with Steven you are not the one who decides but you have to decide together! Do you think that your mother and I always agree on everything? Sometimes she gave up and sometimes I gave up … otherwise you cannot go on!”

He looked at me in a defiant attitude, but also with a half-mocking smile: “Look, Daddy, if you’re in the mood for sermons you can even go for a walk, if I give up it’s not because you and mom and Steven’s parents made you get scared … I don’t want to lose Steven, I give up for this.” I remained silent and raised my eyes to heaven. My wife and I put our coats back on and Louis told us: “Order four pizzas at the pizzeria for tonight, because at eight o’clock Steven is coming, Neapolitan for me and capricious for him, ok?” “Ok!” I do not know if I can say that now we are out of danger but it seems to me that the worst is over! The story is basically trivial and at the moment it seems that it ended fine, but I think it can be useful to someone. Obviously you can publish the email, the facts are those, but there are no sensitive elements. Thanks for everything.

Danilo and Albina (invented names, of course)


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Hi Project,

I am 50 years old, I am not gay, but I have a 25-year-old gay son and I would like to share my experience with other parents. I must tell you that I have been a regular reader of your sites and that your sites have been very useful for me the last two years. But let’s start from the beginning.

I was born in ‘68, I married young, in ‘90, my parents thought it was too early but I wanted to do it because I wanted to live with my wife and I never regretted that choice because my wife is a person who loves me really. My son, who I will call Diego here, was born in ‘92, when I was 24 and was a very young dad. As a child Diego was a very lively and curious of everything, he felt very much the puppy of dad and mom. I have beautiful memories of that period (6-10 years). Growing up he proved to be good at school and very responsible, at 14 he had the keys to the house. There has always been a good dialogue between us. My wife has never been a mother-hen and has tried from 14 years on, to put him in contact with sports so that he could be with other guys.

At 14, Diego was already very tall and played basketball at a good level, took his teammates home, invited them to lunch, my wife and I cooked and the atmosphere was very pleasant. Things have gone on like this until the age of 17. My son had never brought a girl home and had never talked about girls. At home we never talked seriously about sex. Diego saw me and his mother watching TV in the evening, hugging each other and it was completely natural for him. It had sometimes happened to talk a bit about some television broadcast that alluded to homosexuality. Both my wife and I have stressed that each is what he/she is and that only unintelligent people can have prejudices in this field.

I would like to clarify that our attitudes were not “politically correct” attitudes assumed because those who are on the left think like that. In my youth I had a gay friend a lot older than me, maybe he was in love with me, who was a second father to me, if he had not been there I don’t know what I would have done but I think I would have run a lot of risks and very serious. My wife also met him and was very impressed. I make it short, for me homophobia doesn’t exist at all because it would be the most radical contradiction of my life and my experience.

So Diego, at home, never breathed a homophobic atmosphere. However, when he was 17 years old, my wife and I began to ask ourselves questions, we were not biased towards homosexuality, but having an only child and knowing that he is gay is not a very easy thing to accept, at least because one asks himself how to behave in order to be a parent in the best way. We had noticed that Diego was very often with a guy whom I will call Dany, they were inseparable. Dany came home. Diego and Dany (“D & D” so they called themselves) went to the camping together and spent their Christmas and Easter holidays around Italy. Diego was happy and it could be seen. My wife and I never intruded, but we understood that there was something more than just a friendship between them. But Diego had not mentioned anything to us and we didn’t really feel like asking questions about it.

Dany was drawing very well, his drawings were real works of art, and slowly our house was full of Dany’s drawings. Meanwhile, Diego was 18 years old. The birthday party had not been an invasion of friends, like that of the 17, but had been all centered on a trip (Saturday and Sunday) with Dany. Sometimes Diego stayed at Dany’s house, we said nothing but in the background, however, we had some concerns, not for homosexuality but for the possible health risks and we also felt a bit of anxiety. I thought I couldn’t do without it and I decided to talk to Diego. We went out together one afternoon and went to the city park and I said to him: “I and your mother are fine with Dany, but we have some health concerns …” He looked at me straight in the eyes and said: “We did the test both … and anyway he had never been with anyone else, neither me.”

I asked him: “But Dany’s parents know how things really are?” and he replied: “No! And that’s the biggest problem, because they are not like you and mom … well, Dany fears them.” We talked a lot about this, Diego was really worried. Dany would have cut the bridges with his family, but it would have been a trauma for him. Talking with my son not only reassured me but made me realize that I have a golden son and that I can consider myself a happy father. At home I told my wife about my conversation with Diego and she looked at me puzzled and told me: “But you think we can do something for these guys?” she was referring to getting in touch with Dany’s family and exploring the situation a little. I told her that it was not only Diego but above all Dany who needed to be heard.

One day when the guys came home, Diego started the question, Dany already knew that we knew. But Dany was very hesitant, because nobody suspected anything at home. Basically none of us four had clear ideas. The guys had to finish the last year of high school and then they would go to university, obviously together and in another city, they would both do engineering and would even take a single apartment together. But the rock of Dany’s family remained an unsolved problem. The following year the guys went to the university, and as expected they shared a small apartment, we paid half of the expenses and Danny’s family the other half. Things seemed to go well, the guys were happy, and then Dany had the ill-fated idea of speaking clearly with his parents and from there the disaster started.

They threatened him, in practice they threatened to disinherit him, and it was not a trivial thing because it’s a family that’s doing well economically. I made clear to Dany that in any case the share of inheritance that was due to him no one could have taken it away, but he didn’t even listen to me, he wanted to cut the bridges with his family, evidently after the discourse of clarification, he must have been treated badly. The family has stopped paying tuition fees and the amount for the apartment to force Dany to come back home, Dany wanted to leave the university and get to work but we convinced him that it would be madness and that he would also have done a serious damage to Diego, because studying together they obtained excellent results, and he let himself be convinced. We paid all the expenses, which were not really a big deal after all. But Dany felt embarrassed about this and we didn’t know what to do to put Dany in a good mood.

Fortunately, then the guys were very busy in the study and these problems went into the second line. Every week or me or my wife were traveling to the guys’ house to bring them already cooked meals for the week, so that they didn’t waste time on these things. My wife washed and ironed so that the clothes were always in order, in short, we didn’t leave them alone and now they both graduated brilliantly and began to work, still small things, but this way they make themselves known and the prospects are widen. Unfortunately, Dany’s parents are gone, it seems incredible but that’s right, they are completely disinterested in their son, I never thought you could get that much, but that’s what happened. Dany has not seen them for years, and then now lives with Diego in the city where they studied and I think they have no desire to come back to the city of origin.

We visit them more or less a weekend a month and they welcome us with enthusiasm. Dany is very embittered by his parents’ behavior but now he has lost the hope that he can change something. Project, Diego and Dany also know you and you talked with them (first with Diego and then with Dany, after about a month, more or less a year ago), you are doing a very useful job! I would love that many parents would open their eyes and put aside prejudices because for a gay son to see that parents try to force his freedom and then disappear when they realize that their son has his own world, it means losing most of the positive vision of life.

Dany had found Diego and then he found us and all in all, for him the situation was not destructive, but if he had been alone he would have been forced to give up his studies and he would have had a violent resentment inside him, and all this absolutely without any serious reason. I have a gay son but he is a happy guy, neither I nor my wife have fears for his future, because he managed to achieve what he wanted and now he is an adult man we are proud of, he has a guy who loves and he loves him and he will not remain alone. I wonder how it is possible that even in the twenty-first century there are parents who are so out of the world that they think they can abandon their son because he is gay. All this is really absurd!


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Hi Project,

I’m 18 years old and I would like to talk about something that has happened to me and that makes me feel very bad. It’s a complicated story, but please be patient and tell me what you think.

In early January this year I felt terribly uncomfortable, because I was alone and I didn’t have a boyfriend. I cannot be alone and I missed a guy a lot, I had fallen in an awful love, but then I saw the guy in question with a girl and such a thing had torn me to pieces, but I knew that there was nothing to do. I spent my days fantasizing about how nice it could be to have a guy who understands me, to talk with, reasoning like me and who loves me, I also wanted him nice, that is not beautiful, but as I like him, a sweet guy, affectionate.

At school, at an assembly I see a guy that I like a lot, let’s say I didn’t notice him before, but I thought he was beautiful. After the disappointing experiences I had had with others, I didn’t delude myself very much, partly because I’m not as nice as him. But he approached me and started talking to me, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to delude myself but I liked him.

In February, after the report cards, we went on a school trip, we ended up in the room together, just the two of us. I swear it was not a planned thing, but it happened. In short, when we went to bed, after a while he got out of his bed and approached me and asked if he could get into my bed. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted it, but I didn’t know what would happen, I told him yes and immediately afterwards I asked him if he was gay and he said yes.

It was beautiful, we touched each other and masturbated each other, I was in orbit and he was very fascinated too. We were careful not to do dangerous things because he confessed to me that he had done it with other guys. I was happy, as I have never been in my life. The next day we did it again and he insisted on going further, but I didn’t want to, he finally had oral sex to me but not me to him, even if the desire was so great, but I masturbated him.

Then the trip ended and we went back to Milan and my anxiety started there. He didn’t call me, he didn’t answer my messages, but he wanted me to go to his house when his parents were not there (they work in the afternoon) to have sex, for a few days I went there but, after sex, everything was over. I would have liked a bit of tenderness, but if I caressed him, he would look at me strangely and would tell me that he didn’t like those things. When I sent him some text messages he got angry because he told me that his parents could find the messages, but when his parents were not at home, he demanded me to go to him.

Once, I could not really, because I had grandma at home and I didn’t go and he got angry, black, he raised his voice, then it passed. Well, now for a few days I cannot stand him any longer, he always asks me if I like what we do and things like that, I try to tell him that I’d like something with a little more feeling and he replies to me that he’s very keen on me, but I have the impression that it is not like that at all. In short, I think that for him I’m worth something only because I run to his house to have sex whenever he wants, and our relationship ends here.

Project, now I’m at the point where I cannot bear him anymore. At the beginning I masturbated thinking of him, now I don’t do it anymore and when I’m at his house I wonder: What the hell am I doing here? I’m going to have a little sex, it’s true, but if we have sex this way it seems to me just a mechanical thing. I think I should get away from him, yesterday I tried, but he got angry, he raised his voice, he began to say that I exploit him and use him when it suits me and then I think I can throw him away like a rag, he told me that if I say no, between us everything is over forever and I don’t deserve him, but you could see that he was uncomfortable.

I didn’t know how to react because I didn’t want to hurt him and in the end I gave up and we had sex like the other times, but I really had the brain somewhere else. I honestly think that being told no makes him a terrible effect and I don’t want to hurt him in the heavy sense, because after all I love him and I don’t know what to do.

I send you my skype contact (omissis), because I would like to talk a bit about it, since I cannot talk about it with anyone.



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Hi Project,
you have often spoken of undue pressure on gay boys, pressures like: “Do you have a girlfriend?” “Are you engaged?” “Let’s go out tonight, so I’ll introduce you to a splendid girl, a friend of mine …” and so on. Who reads the posts you published might think that these undue pressure are addressed only to very young boys, more or less 16-18 years old, but instead it is not so, these pressures are often very heavy even after. I am 31 years old, I have a boyfriend for more than two years and I feel deeply satisfied with him. 
My parents know my situation perfectly and not only they have never hindered me, but they have helped me giving my life that aspect of normality it needed and that made it really beautiful, but what seems really incredible is that my boyfriend, who is practically as old as I am, lives a situation exactly similar to mine, he has spoken clearly to his parents, who know everything, his parents know my parents and they also know some of our gay friends, with whom they perfectly agree. All this happened spontaneously and it was really very nice. So, with our families things could not get any better. 
Both my boyfriend and I have no brothers or sisters, but we have uncles and cousins, and here the troubles begin. My uncle, every time he sees me starts with stupid questions, just as if I were 16, so, by survival instinct, I always keep away from him, when my parents go to lunch at his house I never go there, officially for work reasons, because luckily I have a job, but actually because I don’t like the idea of undergoing the usual interrogation. With the cousins it could be better because they are more or less my age and they should have a more open mentality, but either they have family and children or they have a girlfriend, and for them there is only one normality, that is their normality. For them, even if they are between 23 and 33, it is inconceivable that there are ways of life different from theirs. 
As for my boyfriend, things are easier because he has no relatives in the city where we live now and for him the periods of torture are limited to Christmas holidays and a fortnight in summer. Last year he didn’t visit his relatives either at Christmas or in the summer and it was great! 
One thing I cannot stand, which is nevertheless traditional among my relatives, it is the combination of marriages. Today there is the internet and I don’t see what sense it can have to get in the middle to try to put in contact a guy with a girl, and yet my relatives do it, obviously only on their own initiative. Last year, at Easter, one of my aunt, traditionally quiet and not meddler, put me more than once in embarrassment, making a girl believe that I had fallen in love with her. The girl was nice to me, she is a smart girl, and I had talked about her to my aunt and she deduced that I was probably in love with that girl and didn’t have the courage to declare my love. The girl, probably, was half in love with me, she believed my aunt and began to come forward insistently with text messages, e-mails and phone calls, as she had never done before. Of course I replied in a very nice way but also very cold without encouraging her in the slightest. I saw my aunt only a few months later, when I was permanently with my boyfriend. I had on my finger a ring given to me by my boyfriend, and I had not the slightest thought that for my aunt that could be an important thing. When I went to her house, she immediately noticed the ring and asked me if I was engaged, I answered yes, which is actually very true. Through my aunt the news arrived to the girl who disappeared altogether (I never saw her again and I’m sorry for this fact).
Another critical point: work colleagues, some are older than me and have children and therefore are absorbed by family life, others are younger but have a girlfriend. They often propose to go with them on Sundays or even if there is a few days of vacation and I scrupulously avoid going with them for two reasons, first of all not to put myself in embarrassing situations that is not to raise expectations in any girl and then because I want to spend my time with my boyfriend. The idea of not being next to my boyfriend to go for a trip with my work colleagues would seem to me a form of betrayal. I feel happy with my boyfriend. Our parents treat us just like a couple, so many times he stays to sleep at my house or I at his house, such a thing no longer creates any problem. When other relatives saw us together we said that we were friends without further explanation and no one asked questions. 
In practice I started living at 28, before I had my experiences but frankly I didn’t feel at ease. I met only good guys, but this is not enough to fall in love, then I found “him” but it was not love at first sight. We spent months to trust each other. The first time I went to his house I felt really embarrassed, I didn’t know what to expect, I went there because he cared a lot and told me it would be all right, and that’s exactly what happened. His mother had prepared the fettuccine in the house, the father was a talker who no longer stopped, they did not ask questions of any kind, there was no need to explain anything, they already knew everything. With me they were expansive as if I were one of the family. 
When he took his parents to my house to meet mine, they were a little embarrassed, but it lasted a few minutes, then things melted easily. Of course, even our parents have detached themselves from all the other relatives but I don’t think they really suffered it. Now we are something similar to an extended family, we are six and are fine. At work I have no friends, that is, I don’t have people with whom I can really talk about myself. All my colleagues now think that I have a girlfriend and no longer go out with them for this reason and sure I will not explain to them how things really are. 
A few days ago, a fact happened that made me think. I have a cousin, let’s call him Mirco much younger than me (he is 17), he has always been a good boy, he has never joked about girls nor has ever spoken with sexual allusions of any kind, it will seem strange but I believe that Mirco understood something about me and my boyfriend. There is some form of strange solidarity between me and Mirco. It all started when in a dinner with relatives, uncles have embarrassed him with the usual stupid questions about girls, etc. etc., I intervened and hushed my uncles energetically, they looked at me a little perplexed but the embarrassing questions were over. 
On that occasion I exchanged two very communicative looks with Mirco. Instinctively I am not led to believe that he could put me in difficult situations and he never did. In short, I think Mirco can be gay. I talked about it with my boyfriend, because I would like to try to have a more serious dialogue with Mirco, but my boyfriend is hesitant, he does not know how much Mirco can be trusted, and if Mirco was not gay it would end up putting him in trouble, apart from the fact that Mirco is very young and my uncles tend not to leave him even a minimum of freedom. But if what I think was true, that is, if he were gay and he felt even oppressed by the family, the fact that two gay guys can be together very well and that families can consider it absolutely normal, could be very important for him. I’m aware that with my aunt and uncle I could create huge problems and that even my parents could be involved in a lot of gossip, but if we could really trust Mirco, in the end there would be no risk.
Sometimes he could even come with me for a walk in the countryside, no one would know that my boyfriend would be there and all this could have an important meaning for Mirco. I have never seen Mirco with a girl, nor has he ever talked about these things, for the moment he only thinks about studying. He wants to start scientific studies and is very motivated. He had asked me to look for a book of genetics in the city and it was not a book of a popular nature. 
Things are at this point. Project, I don’t know what to do, I’d like Mirco to understand a little more closely which kind of life I and my boyfriend live but I’m also afraid that the whole thing could end badly. In fact I know very little about Mirco, I hardly ever see him, but I have to underline that when I meet him there are undoubtedly some strange forms of complicity. And then, if he were not gay, would he be able to understand the meaning of life of a gay couple? Or would he be upset, or would he feel almost soiled? Frankly, I think that gay or hetero, he has all the credentials to understand and the temptation to let him know my real life is very strong. One thing I would like to emphasize, Mirco is a nice guy but he is not really my type of guy, I have never had plans or fantasies of any kind about him. My boyfriend never even saw him, not even in photography, even though we talked a lot about him. What do you think, Project?
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Dialogue between parents and sons
In order to create a form of mutual respect and genuine affective contact between parents and sons, parents have to set aside all the predetermined roles and have to play without hiding behind comfortable attitudes that actually prevent their cons from really knowing their own parents.
Generally speaking, for a gay boy, perceiving that parents play a role, even in a positive way, but are not themselves and are not sincere, is equivalent to a refusal. And that perception is objectively correct.
In a serious dialogue, and especially if it is about sex or even homosexuality, there can be no a priori presuppositions. If the answers to give to your son already exist before each comparison of ideas, dialogue is only apparent. Whenever a parent tries to talk to his homosexual son aiming to convince him of something, i.e. by taking for granted what he will say to his son, regardless of the dialogue with his son himself, that parent is offending the dignity of his son and is creating a false dialogue.
With sons, and in particular with gay sons, it is indispensable to be 100% honest. In most cases, sons do not speak to parents about their homosexuality, and I would add that in most cases they do the right thing.
What I’m saying is that sons are often afraid of the reactions of their parents, and when fear comes into the relationship between parents and sons, the relationship between them is strongly spoiled. The guys I met through Gay Project, and with whom I often meet in chat, want to hear from me the confirmation that being gay means having a dignity, a morality, a high human dimension, not less than that of any other condition of life.
Often the less informed or less seriously informed parents have a completely prejudicial view of the gay world, identify it with the most striking and spectacular stereotypes seen on television … but no! Gays, the real ones, they have nothing to do with these things, I know so many of all ages and are people very reliable who work, who try to believe in what they do and who often live in conditions of non-liberty because where they live homosexuality is not accepted.
There are people hiding (the great majority!), I call them “the invisible people,” and hiding because they are afraid, not because they have something to hide. I’ve seen gays living very deep forms of love, with or without sex, no matter who gave them a serious affective response. I saw young boys literally destroyed by their parents’ misunderstanding and a thousand times repented of having come out in the family.
Coming out  to parents usually causes anxiety and big hesitation in boys because very often the relationships between parents and sons are formalized and are reduced to relationships between roles rather than between people.
Parent’s role of support.
What must a parent do if he/she comes to know that his/her son is gay (from the son’s coming out or otherwise)? The answer may seem trivial, but a parent who realizes that his son is gay, if he/she loves him, must help him to be gay. A boy told me: “After all, I had had a lion’s courage to talk to them … but they just took it in a strange way and said I had to cure myself.”
Such a kind of attitude for a gay boy is equivalent to abandonment, a non-acceptance. Accepting does not mean trying to change the situation and not even hope for it to happen if there is an attempt to change things or the hope that things change, this means that acceptance is not there.
Being gay is not a choice but it is a basic quality of a person about which there is nothing to decide but everything to accept. Rejecting the fact that your son is gay means refusing your son from every point of view. Loving sons means loving them as they are!
Parents and sex education of gay sons
Gay-friendly parents, generally, often in good faith, believe they have nothing to say about affective and sexual education of their sons, but they are completely wrong. A gay boy must learn from his parents to be a serious gay, to consider sexuality a fundamental thing and to live it in an affective dimension characterized by honesty and respect for himself and others.
But apart from moral principles, parents can also play a major role in directing boys to responsible sexual behaviors in order to put aside any risky behavior. The parent’s insistence on this point is generally considered by the boys as a form of positive interest and, in essence, as something rewarding. A twenty-year-old gay guy, who had a good relationship with his family, told me an episode that I quote for you here below through a passage of one of his mails.
At a certain point, I had quarreled with my boyfriend or maybe I was just a little tired of him, and although I was still in touch with him, I had begun to attend gay clubs and look for guys to have fun, without him knowing it, and my dad did something for which I will never stop thanking him. One night he waited until I went home, in practice until the morning, and he clearly told me that between loving a guy and going to be crazy to have fun there was a huge difference but if I wanted to get along with him, I had to do things seriously, he said to me: you must respect your boyfriend, because he is a boy like you and you are now cheating him, and if you behave in a less than respectful way toward the guy you say you are in love with, you lack of dignity. And he concluded like this: a gay guy must be a guy as he ought to! I think I will not forget such words anymore!
With this example I mean that a parent can and must play a role in relation to the gay sons and that role is to convey to the son the sense of dignity and respect for himself and for others, which are fundamental values for everyone.
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Hello Project,

about a month ago, while surfing the internet, I found gay project which surprised me because it is something unique. At first I was impressed by the simplicity of the sites and by the absence of erotic advertising, then I started reading and I was amazed by the fact that I was reading a lot of things very similar to those that have happened to me and this, for me , was very important. That’s why I decided to write overcoming so many doubts and resistances. My life does not have anything very important, I’m an engineering student, I come from a normal family after all. My father and my mother more or less get along, my sister got married last year and no longer lives with me. My parents do not know anything about me, and I’ll absolutely avoid to tell them how things really are because for them I think it would just be a trauma, I do not think they would be able to understand, they are good parents, not too invasive, according to the their way of seeing, nor too selfish to care only about their own business. I will not speak with them in order to avoid them to stress uselessly, the idea that children should adapt to be the image and likeness of their parents is too deeply impressed in their own head. I cannot say whether or not they are believers, and to what extent, they go to church on Sunday and I’m going with them as if it were a natural thing because they expect it, my mother goes to confession every so often and receives communion, daddy never, but at least they have the common sense not to put pressure on me about such things. Luckily for me I’m still young and they think that I should hurry to graduate and so the fact that I do not have a girlfriend takes second place, because it would be a distraction from the fundamental purpose. My father and my mother have attitudes toward gay people that make me very angry but I have to tolerate discomfort for a quiet life: they know nothing about such things but they believe they know and understand everything, they are sympathetic to gay people just as priests are, they are inclined to forgive the vice for the weakness of the flesh because “also gays are people” (what a great concession!) but they would never admit that two guys can love each other because “it’s so nice to follow nature” and “between two men or between two women love does not make sense.” I let them talk because they need to be convinced that they are right. By saying so I mean that practically the relationship with my parents doesn’t exist at all but they don’t even realize it, for them it’s much more important to be right. Breaking away from the mentality of my parents and beginning to think with my head it was not so easy. At age 18 I went to confession for the last time, I told the priest that I was gay and I was in love with a guy, the priest didn’t even conceive the idea that it could be a true and deep feeling, and started to repeat certain things that offended me deeply, and I thought that what he said was patently false and immoral so much that I got up and I went away. I do not accept the idea that a feeling that I consider the most important thing in my life can be outraged by those who don’t even understand what they say and think they are speaking in the name of God. I have not had second thoughts, sometimes in church, I hear homilies that I cannot stand absolutely but I act as if I was just thinking of something else, exams, university, etc.. In high school I still had many doubts, not doubts about what I was, but doubts about how I had to behave. I remember a specific fact, the penultimate year of high school the Italian teacher assigned us as a task to compose a short essay on violence. I thought of speaking about violence against women, racism and the usual things and also about homophobia, but then gave up the idea completely, when the teacher gave us back our works classified in the commenting on one of them said to a student: “You have considered many aspects of the problem: religious intolerance, violence in stadiums, homophobia, violence against women …”, at the word homophobia I felt myself freeze and the eyes of all the guys have focused on the student with whom the teacher was talking and there have been mischievous smiles. That guy is definitely not gay but the word homophobia caused a particular reaction among my classmates, for them it is only an allusion to homosexuality, something more or less ridiculous that they only know from jokes and has been interpreted just as a joke. Obviously I had been right not to talk about homophobia. I don’t think that my classmates were homophobic, for them the problem did not even exist, for them gays were a kind of tribe on the edge of reality, for them a gay guy had to have many characteristics that are recognizable, they didn’t even realize that someone could be hurt by the fact that they were laughing at the word homophobia, in the end they were not homophobic, they were just superficial (stupid) and had no need to understand, because it was something that they weren’t absolutely interest in. Instinctively I have always kept away from groups, from too close friendships and from the gossip and this helped me to finish my high school, maintaining the my reputation of fake straight. In high school I supposed that one of my classmate was gay, but my assumptions were totally wrong. In college I found myself immersed in a completely different world. I had gone to the classical high school, with a strong majority of women (more than 2/3 of my classmates were girls), in the Faculty of Engineering there was instead a strong male predominance, and in particular in my courses. For a gay guy who came from the experience of classical high school, being in an engineering classroom was just like being a child entering the pastry: a huge temptation, an environment that created a community almost entirely male. Some guys were very handsome. If ever I had some little doubt about the fact of being gay this doubt vanished soon after I begun to attend engineering classes We went to classes together at the canteen together, to the study rooms in the library together, we spent together intervals between classes, and inevitably there we would agree to spend free time together as well. I should add that the environment was not gossipy and the guys were not talking only about tits and asses, on the contrary, when it occurred, rather rarely, some speech that touched even homosexuality there weren’t giggles, jokes and things like that but serious talk very far from the stereotypes, nevertheless, despite the high number of guys who attended the faculty there was not even one openly gay, a sign that those who were there did not trust to come out of the closet, exactly what I did. After the first few days began to form stable study groups. The basic element of aggregation was the level of knowledge and skills of individuals. Those that were obviously ahead of the others tended to congregate together and so the selection was made, so to speak, on academic merit. After a few days, and after the results of the first tests of profit, the number of students has decreased quite dramatically, in practice about 40% changed their courses of study and two groups were formed, one of the geniuses always in the front pew during lessons, always with maximum scores, but we are talking about a dozen boys in all, highly motivated but in practice these were young people who lived exclusively for the study, and a second group, let’s say mid-level, with more or less twenty students, and then the group of those who took it for granted that they would not have finished their studies without losing at least one year. I was at the boundary between the first and the second group, I was coming from the secondary school of classical address and at the beginning it was very hard for me but then I went ahead well. Prior to joining the faculty I thought it would have been so much easier, then I realized that to stay afloat at a good level I had to struggle a lot. Those in the first group did not send a shot wide, sometimes I tried to enter their group but I didn’t held the pace and, objectively, they were at levels far more advanced than mine. There was another thing, those guys lived for the study, admitted that they had a girl, they probably saw her for up to an hour on a Sunday afternoon and, because I felt like the a child entering the pastry, I did not want to end up like them, I don’t say that I wanted to make a feast of sweets, but at least I wanted to taste one. In practice I was there certainly to study, but certainly not just for that. I decided that I would be among those to intermediate level, because with them the afternoons were not exclusively to study, there was even talking. I have read on the forum something about gay radar, well, in fact, when one is, or better when a gay guy is in an environment like that one where I was, the first thing is to go by eye, that is, look for the guys who are more attractive, but if this were the only guideline it would be easy to miss the target. And there began, about four or five guys, the exhausting game: is he gay or not? And since the first purpose was just studying and no one used to speak about different things, it was extremely difficult to give an answer about the gayness of my colleagues. At this point there has been an unexpected phenomenon. A guy who didn’t belong to the group of geniuses nor to that of handsome guys and not even to that of supposedly gay guys asks me for my notebook of class notes. I would not have given my block of notes to anyone for all the gold in the world because my notebook was my lifeline and I used to handle it with maniacal care, but that guy was asking for my notebook, I show it to him, then he asks me if he can photocopy it and I say yes, he smiles at me and says something complimentary, more or less that I would get them back the next day. At that time I thought I was wrong to give him my notebook, but I was also happy because it was the first real opportunity to hook a guy, I started to wonder how it would have been if that guy had been gay, but he was not one of the handsome guys, yes, he had a beautiful smile, but it was all there, I just lent my notebook to a guy who had a beautiful smile! Project, now you might think that that guy is now my boyfriend, but no, because he gave me an appointment for the next day to give me back my notes and then showed up accompanied by his girlfriend! I was like an idiot, my brain had begun to go on his own, but fortunately the situation became evident almost immediately. Project, in essence, the child entering the pastry, with his mouth watering has been left empty-handed! According to statistics of gay project among my colleagues there should be at least five or six gays, one is me, then let’s say four or five but they are well hidden, I wonder if they too are like children in the pastry or already have decided to devote themselves exclusively to the study. I would not exclude that some of those geniuses who know everything, then underneath are gays terribly frustrated. Then the second year came, we are further decreased in number and hierarchies based on the results of the examinations are now well established, I stay in the second group, I go forward, but I’m not the new Einstein and frankly I don’t even want to be. My dream is to live a love story, I do not know if I would be able, however, it is certain that I’d try. Until now it has not happened. Project, that’s all, it’s trivial, I know, no overwhelming loves, neither depressing disappointments, so many dreams just too big and a lot of very small achievements. Post this e-mail if you want. I think I’ll send you another e-mail tonight with three or four things that I did not understand very well. You are a great, you did a monstrous job that is really useful!

Gay Hunter (but in a good way!)


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Hello Project,
we already knew each other and about you I keep very positive memory that dates back more or less to a couple of years ago, when I used as a signature “lovethemusic”, we exchanged some mails, not few, and for me it was an important experience, even if I understood the real meaning only later.
At that time I felt weak and hesitant, today, luckily for me, things have changed and in a sense I think I have understood the true meaning of the things you told me in the mails two years ago.It is now a year and a half that I’m with a guy, who is six years younger than me, it’s a lot of time, it is true, but since we’ve been together my life has changed, it has changed for me the meaning of the word “love”, my way of being gay has strongly changed. For the first time at the age of 29 I realized how they can be strong the feelings between two guys and for the first time I discovered the meaning of a deep human contact.

We both attended our church, I mostly out of habit, he probably because sincerely believer. We met because we both accompanied a group of young people (14-16 years old) to a summer camp, then he was 21 and I 27. We had already known by sight and a little more even before camping but at the campsite we got to talk a lot and our love story basically started there. I was enchanted by the charm he had on the boys. I was older and the boys with me didn’t familiarize too much, but he joked with him as though he was 15 y.o., and he was perfectly at home in their midst.

We started to talk a bit in the evening when the boys went off to sleep and we remained with the other two camp counselors to refurbish common rooms. At that time I thought that John was straight, because everything made me think so. He hadn’t a girl, I knew it well, but in the end he was very young and had many female friends with whom he was extremely casual. John is a nice guy, I liked him, but I considered him like many other straight guys I had met, in practice a separate world with which I would never had any contact.

The first few days we talked a lot about the church, the boys in the group, the study, the work, but not about the emotional life. I saw that he liked to stay and talk to me and it was always me that I had to stop the conversation because it was too late and we had to go to bed. The camp lasted for around ten days.

Eventually we became friends. I thought that for him, our relationship was a friendship but nothing more. With me he was casual but nothing gave the impression that he could nourish strong feelings for me.

Back in town we started dating, first only through the group linked to our church and then also for our business. In our conversations, only two subjects were completely absent: love and sex. At first I thought it was a sign that it was only a friendship but it did not make sense because in general two friends who already know each other talk a lot about these things. I could observe, however, that slowly our relationship had taken a dimension of everyday life and extraordinary spontaneity, things were developing on their own, we did not even need to agree, any proposal for one of us would automatically be accepted by the other. The smiles and the looking in the eyes had become common things and there was a minimum of physical contact: the hug when we said goodbye was not just a greeting, to invite me to come he took me by the hand, and sometimes he leaned his head on my shoulder or winked as if to say that he knew what I was going to say or do. I tried to be very careful not to expose me, he fascinated me but I tried to avoid him understand it but he must have realized it anyway.

At one point he began to indulge in forms of physical contact more meaningful, such long hugs, sudden and for no apparent reason, accompanied by expressions of happiness when he hugged me. The more I tried to pull back and get things back to usual level, the more John gave sign of feeling frustrated by my behavior. At one point, to fix a moment of embarrassment that had been created, he took the initiative and kissed me, I tried to say no but he replied: “Shut up!” And we remained kissing for 10 minutes. The next day I felt guilty, as if I had taken advantage of him, I told him but I read in his eyes the need to move on, that’s why I put apart every hesitation and hugged him strongly, that night we had our first timid sex. I do not think there’s anything more exciting than being in love with a guy and seeing that that guy wants you deeply. I basically understood what is the true sexuality. He hugged me very strong and had no inhibition, his spontaneity was total and, strangely for me, even my spontaneity was total.

Things went on like this for a few days, then I returned to the usual scruples and started to keep him at a distance. I believe that John has felt totally rejected and it was terrible, he insisted that he loved me but I did not want that between us there was sex anymore and I kept him at a distance for a while, then we restarted our meetings, but we made a pact between us, we decided that we would meet without physical contact. We spent long evenings talking and I began to learn more about John. I was amazed that he acted that way with me even if I wanted to distance. Then I was no longer able to tolerate to see him suffer and we newly began to have sex but the expression is not adequate because in reality, it was true love. For him, sex was a bit a response to his need for affection, was like to realize that his need for affection was much more important than my inhibitions and that in the end I could understand how he truly felt. I never thought that sex could have such an ability to soothe, to reassure that can have an affective so deep meaning.

When I was with him I felt no guilt, it was all so natural, so beautiful, so full of feeling that the idea that it was not a good thing never crossed my mind. But sometimes later, when I was alone, I was reminded that religion condemns these things and then beyond appearances, what we were doing was not a way to be good, but was actually a bad thing, that was a way to hurt him for some reason that I couldn’t even understand. I tried to tell John these things and he listened, puzzled, and yet I knew that he was a believer, but I lived religion through a thousand scruples, he lived it as something liberating. He looked at me with a strong sense of concern and asked me: “Do you really think that we are doing something bad?” And I did not know what to answer, and in those moments I saw him again alone in his solitude, the solitude to which I had forced him, then I took his hand and felt all his hesitation and in that moment it seemed terribly unfair to keep him away from me and then I hugged him strongly.

I knew the weakness of John, his need for love, I felt him close to me as I haven’t felt any other person and slowly I began to put aside my scruples, and I came to understand that our love was true.

Sometimes, when I read things that people say about gays, it takes me a sense of despair, because now for me it is clear that those people do not understand at all what is the gay love, the love between two men. Me too, for a long time indeed, I had strong doubts that between two men could exist a real love, I’ve probably learned this kind of mistrust by the environment in which I lived and for me to go over it was not easy. I started to put aside certain forms of psychological addiction to religion and I began to wonder what for me was good and bad, beyond any preconception and now I have no doubt, and I think that only love has the power to free us from our fears and give us the courage to finally be ourselves.

It remains only one fear that is the fear that my relationship with John can finish. Objectively there is nothing on which to base this fear, but the fact is that the love of John effectively became the cornerstone of my life and think of living without him would not make sense.

In our relationship there have been also moments of misunderstanding but when it happened I never had the fear that our relationship would end. We repeated to each other this thing a thousand times. Today, after a year and a half, I’m a happy man. We do not live together because our families do not know that we are gay and by mutual agreement we decided not to say anything, not for reasons of selfishness or distrust but because we both think that our parents would not understand and every day we receive confirmation from the speeches that we hear at home. In addition to putting in enormous difficulties our parents, we could also expose our relationship to strong tensions but we want to live as a couple in peace of mind. Now I have a job, but it is a job with fixed-term contract and John still studies, if things go on like this, in a few years (I hope) we could be truly independent and we could move in together.

The relationship with religion, in the sense of our community, went into crisis. Obviously in that environment nobody knows about us, therefore nobody can marginalize us but since we know what is the way to see things for the people that live in that environment, we prefer partridge outside to avoid having to pretend a communion of thought which does not exist no longer. But we kept a set of values related to religion and also a great hope that God is better than men and has reserved for us a place in heaven. It is not a figure of speech, it’s a form of faith, I think, we’ll never lose.

Project, now I understand the meaning of many things that you told me and I realize that they were true!

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