This post is dedicated to occasional gay sex. Gay sexuality, in its highest expression, that is affective gay sexuality, is a particularly intense form of interpersonal communication that takes place when two guys (I call them boys, whatever their age) come to share their sexual intimacy. This expression, “sharing one’s sexual intimacy”, indicates that gay sexuality, at the couple level, is fully realized only when it is the expression and perfection of a deep affective proximity, it is in fact a wanted and also desired sharing of a dimension very delicate in life like sexuality. In order to overcome the inhibitions and ritualisms learned from the outside and to put aside the individualistic vision of sexuality to move to a vision of sexuality as sharing on a deep emotional basis it is necessary that between the two guys there is a true emotional relationship and that their mutual trust is without reserve.
When two guys love each other so much that the happiness of one is also the happiness of the other, then the sexual contact between those two guys has a really profound sense of sharing. The sexual satisfaction of two boys who love each other doesn’t derive from particular sexual practices, but from perceiving that the reciprocal communication is total and that the experience of the other, even in physical terms, no longer meets any obstacle, which means that mutual availability is total and without reservations.
In other words, sexual satisfaction enhances the sense of communication and reciprocity. Gay sexuality, at a high level, that is, affective sexuality, has an essentially altruistic dimension and is absolutely incompatible with selfish and predatory attitudes or with the exploitation of the other that represents the most radical negation of the affective dimension.
Starting from this conception of affective sexuality it’s easy to understands how occasional sexual practices are a reality that cannot, in itself, be fully satisfying, precisely because occasional sex is devoid of that deep affective dimension that characterizes and makes genuinely satisfying the highest expressions of gay sexuality. No gay guy would spontaneously prefer casual sex to a serious relationship in which sexuality has a deep emotional basis. Why then is casual sex still a common reality and the search for casual sex absorbs a lot of time and lots of mental energy from gay guys?
The answer is provided by gay guys themselves, who are looking for casual sex. These guys say: “I can only have sex like that! I would love to live a sexuality as a result of a deep and mutual love, but that is only a utopia that will never be realized, while occasional sex is a common reality and basically easy to realize “.
In this answer there is some truth, in the sense that the search for casual sex is easy, but there is also something false, in the sense that the search for a sexuality that is the expression of a deep affective life is not at all a utopia although it is certainly not a simple thing to realize. In other words, the road to casual sex presents itself without obstacles and indeed seems the obvious solution to all affective problems, while the possibility of going towards a deeply emotional sexuality appears only as a very remote eventuality, at the limits of utopia. For this reason, many guys renounce to seek an affective sexuality and are content with the occasional sex, experiencing casual sex as a surrogate of actual life, i.e., often unconsciously seeking, in the occasional sex, the affective content of which the occasional sex is intrinsically lacking. Precisely for this reason occasional sex is almost always accompanied by a sense of frustration.
People who have casual sex do in fact give up a satisfactory life, because they consider it unattainable, and they invest all their energies in technical sexuality, for them sex is not a contact between people but a thing to do, in which however, they seek at least a partial emotional correspondence.
Often the search for occasional sex is theoretically accepted as a possible and very rare eventuality even by guys who at least in theory are looking for an affective sexuality. Classical is the expression: “If it were to happen I would not say no.” Apart from the health risks that in the exercise of sexual practices with strangers are definitely higher than in the sexuality of a couple who lives a strict monogamy, occasional sex tends to create a real form of dependence, somewhat similar to that created by use of drugs. The mechanism of illusion and subsequent disappointment are repeated with an exasperating continuity and frustration ends up being the obvious result of every meeting. The sense of frustration doesn’t derive from the inadequacy of this or that sexual practice or from the fact that the partner of the day is not the right one but from realizing that no sexual practice can make up for the lack of an effective and mature interpersonal relationship.
I would like to emphasize that in what I say there is no moral judgment on people, even on people who are no longer young, who seek and practice occasional gay sex. They are often victims of social prejudices and moralism who are deprived of the possibility of living a true emotional life. Evidently for these people the feeling of emotional deprivation is so profound and the prospect of creating a genuine emotional contact is so remote that they feel they can search through casual gay sex for something that at least resembles an emotional life.
I want to clarify that I got to know many gay guys and even no more young who resort to casual sex and, talking to them, I noticed that they are guys who want to talk, to confront, to create real human contacts. I’m speaking about a non-negligible percentage of the gay guys and no more guys and even more numerous are the gays who in their lives cross at least once a period dominated by the search for occasional gay sex that can replace and fill an emotional life that doesn’t become real. In the face of these things, which exist and which influence the lives of many people, because the search for occasional substitute sex often ends up being the main center of interest of a gay guy, the answers of a moralistic nature constitute the most common reaction but also the more deleterious. The phenomenon of the search for casual sex is the effect of emotional deprivation to which many gay guys are already subjected in their family.
Moralism, which presupposes a rooted prejudice, is profoundly immoral because it accentuates isolation and favors the spread of behavioral models derived from pornography that remain the only models proposed to gay guys in relation to their sexuality. Speaking in chat with gay guys I see almost every day the damage that moralism produces and I realize how the models derived from pornography end up taking root in the consciousness of many guys who struggle to break away from a typically pornographic representation of gay sexuality.
I often give many young people answers that are very far from what they expect in terms of casual sex trying to show them the real possibilities of building a true emotional life. About a third of those guys react nervously and then disappear at all but with the other two thirds a real confrontation opens up and it is incredible how much availability and seriousness can be found in these guys who are not used to the idea of being respected and of being able to talk about matters relating to sexuality in a serious way. For these guys, breaking away from the frantic search for casual sex is not easy anyway and requires a remarkable effort of will, which however becomes bearable when the concrete perspective of an authentic and gratifying emotional relationship is presented.
I must underline that when I speak of an authentic and gratifying emotional relationship, I don’t mean to refer necessarily or even essentially to a couple relationship, because the frustrated emotional needs of guys who seek casual sex go well beyond the couple relationship. The rediscovery of the authentic and gratifying affectivity of serious friendships in itself has a profound meaning in these cases precisely because it is the rediscovery of an authentic emotional dimension. The construction of true friendships, in general, has the power to revive even the most frustrated guys and to make much easier their exit from the addiction to occasional sex . Gay guys need above all affection and hope, however paradoxical it may seem, occasional sex is one of the most common responses to lack of affection and hope.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-occasional-gay-sex