OCCASIONAL GAY SEX

This post is dedicated to occasional gay sex. Gay sexuality, in its highest expression, that is affective gay sexuality, is a particularly intense form of interpersonal communication that takes place when two guys (I call them boys, whatever their age) come to share their sexual intimacy. This expression, “sharing one’s sexual intimacy”, indicates that gay sexuality, at the couple level, is fully realized only when it is the expression and perfection of a deep affective proximity, it is in fact a wanted and also desired sharing of a dimension very delicate in life like sexuality. In order to overcome the inhibitions and ritualisms learned from the outside and to put aside the individualistic vision of sexuality to move to a vision of sexuality as sharing on a deep emotional basis it is necessary that between the two guys there is a true emotional relationship and that their mutual trust is without reserve.

When two guys love each other so much that the happiness of one is also the happiness of the other, then the sexual contact between those two guys has a really profound sense of sharing. The sexual satisfaction of two boys who love each other doesn’t derive from particular sexual practices, but from perceiving that the reciprocal communication is total and that the experience of the other, even in physical terms, no longer meets any obstacle, which means that mutual availability is total and without reservations.

In other words, sexual satisfaction enhances the sense of communication and reciprocity. Gay sexuality, at a high level, that is, affective sexuality, has an essentially altruistic dimension and is absolutely incompatible with selfish and predatory attitudes or with the exploitation of the other that represents the most radical negation of the affective dimension.

Starting from this conception of affective sexuality it’s easy to understands how occasional sexual practices are a reality that cannot, in itself, be fully satisfying, precisely because occasional sex is devoid of that deep affective dimension that characterizes and makes genuinely satisfying the highest expressions of gay sexuality. No gay guy would spontaneously prefer casual sex to a serious relationship in which sexuality has a deep emotional basis. Why then is casual sex still a common reality and the search for casual sex absorbs a lot of time and lots of mental energy from gay guys?

The answer is provided by gay guys themselves, who are looking for casual sex. These guys say: “I can only have sex like that! I would love to live a sexuality as a result of a deep and mutual love, but that is only a utopia that will never be realized, while occasional sex is a common reality and basically easy to realize “.

In this answer there is some truth, in the sense that the search for casual sex is easy, but there is also something false, in the sense that the search for a sexuality that is the expression of a deep affective life is not at all a utopia although it is certainly not a simple thing to realize. In other words, the road to casual sex presents itself without obstacles and indeed seems the obvious solution to all affective problems, while the possibility of going towards a deeply emotional sexuality appears only as a very remote eventuality, at the limits of utopia. For this reason, many guys renounce to seek an affective sexuality and are content with the occasional sex, experiencing casual sex as a surrogate of actual life, i.e., often unconsciously seeking, in the occasional sex, the affective content of which the occasional sex is intrinsically lacking. Precisely for this reason occasional sex is almost always accompanied by a sense of frustration.

People who have casual sex do in fact give up a satisfactory life, because they consider it unattainable, and they invest all their energies in technical sexuality, for them sex is not a contact between people but a thing to do, in which however, they seek at least a partial emotional correspondence.

Often the search for occasional sex is theoretically accepted as a possible and very rare eventuality even by guys who at least in theory are looking for an affective sexuality. Classical is the expression: “If it were to happen I would not say no.” Apart from the health risks that in the exercise of sexual practices with strangers are definitely higher than in the sexuality of a couple who lives a strict monogamy, occasional sex tends to create a real form of dependence, somewhat similar to that created by use of drugs. The mechanism of illusion and subsequent disappointment are repeated with an exasperating continuity and frustration ends up being the obvious result of every meeting. The sense of frustration doesn’t derive from the inadequacy of this or that sexual practice or from the fact that the partner of the day is not the right one but from realizing that no sexual practice can make up for the lack of an effective and mature interpersonal relationship.

I would like to emphasize that in what I say there is no moral judgment on people, even on people who are no longer young, who seek and practice occasional gay sex. They are often victims of social prejudices and moralism who are deprived of the possibility of living a true emotional life. Evidently for these people the feeling of emotional deprivation is so profound and the prospect of creating a genuine emotional contact is so remote that they feel they can search through casual gay sex for something that at least resembles an emotional life.

I want to clarify that I got to know many gay guys and even no more young who resort to casual sex and, talking to them, I noticed that they are guys who want to talk, to confront, to create real human contacts. I’m speaking about a non-negligible percentage of the gay guys and no more guys and even more numerous are the gays who in their lives cross at least once a period dominated by the search for occasional gay sex that can replace and fill an emotional life that doesn’t become real. In the face of these things, which exist and which influence the lives of many people, because the search for occasional substitute sex often ends up being the main center of interest of a gay guy, the answers of a moralistic nature constitute the most common reaction but also the more deleterious. The phenomenon of the search for casual sex is the effect of emotional deprivation to which many gay guys are already subjected in their family.

Moralism, which presupposes a rooted prejudice, is profoundly immoral because it accentuates isolation and favors the spread of behavioral models derived from pornography that remain the only models proposed to gay guys in relation to their sexuality. Speaking in chat with gay guys I see almost every day the damage that moralism produces and I realize how the models derived from pornography end up taking root in the consciousness of many guys who struggle to break away from a typically pornographic representation of gay sexuality.

I often give many young people answers that are very far from what they expect in terms of casual sex trying to show them the real possibilities of building a true emotional life. About a third of those guys react nervously and then disappear at all but with the other two thirds a real confrontation opens up and it is incredible how much availability and seriousness can be found in these guys who are not used to the idea of being respected and of being able to talk about matters relating to sexuality in a serious way. For these guys, breaking away from the frantic search for casual sex is not easy anyway and requires a remarkable effort of will, which however becomes bearable when the concrete perspective of an authentic and gratifying emotional relationship is presented.

I must underline that when I speak of an authentic and gratifying emotional relationship, I don’t mean to refer necessarily or even essentially to a couple relationship, because the frustrated emotional needs of guys who seek casual sex go well beyond the couple relationship. The rediscovery of the authentic and gratifying affectivity of serious friendships in itself has a profound meaning in these cases precisely because it is the rediscovery of an authentic emotional dimension. The construction of true friendships, in general, has the power to revive even the most frustrated guys and to make much easier their exit from the addiction to occasional sex . Gay guys need above all affection and hope, however paradoxical it may seem, occasional sex is one of the most common responses to lack of affection and hope.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-occasional-gay-sex

MY STORY – CRISIS OF A GAY COUPLE

Let’s come to the topic, the one that is closest to my heart. You will be scandalized by what you are going to read, everything that is written is the pure truth, I never really told anyone, but now I’m really tired, I’m already sufficiently disgusted by myself, and I think I touched a point of no return, because I don’t deserve all this at all. I firmly believe that my story has really come to an end but I still cannot decide what to do.

My partner and I have been together for 9 years, until two years ago things between us were very different, I felt loved, courted, desired and well-liked. What I cannot feel now. I have loved my partner for a very long time, I loved him with an authentic and unconditional love, accepting his faults, his paranoia, his anxieties.

In July of 2102, however, everything changes. I find out that he frequents chats such as grindr, bender planet romeo and so on. I find out that he has met a guy. I’m very upset, my odyssey begins here. We talk about, I have to get the truth out of him with my teeth, he sees me suffer, he don’t seem to care so much. I want to save the relationship, he says he is so by nature. In the meantime, he loses his job. I see him becoming colder and more and more distant. In order to keep him with me, I went down to doing things that I would never have done otherwise, because they go against my nature, for example three-way relationships, I did it because I loved him so much and I thought that if I had accepted these games he would have understood the scope of my love for him and that the serene weather for us would start again.

It was not so but quite the contrary. Although I asked him to be honest with me, to tell me if he was dating other people, that I didn’t care and I could understand him after so many years together, he always hid everything from me. Two months ago, for a case that has nothing to do with all the story, we have had a very strong confrontation in which I slammed in his face all his indifference, the fact that I feel like a person unwelcome and hardly endured in his house, that I don’t feel loved at all, that I feel deeply lonely and sad. Something clicks inside me, however, in the meantime. From that moment on he starts telling me that he’s not sure he’s in love with me, he wants some time to think about it. These have been the most terrible days and at the same time the most beneficial and healthy of my life. In those days when he was clarifying his ideas I examined many times my conscience, I understood many things and above all I realized that I was wrong. I was wrong to base my happiness on another person, I was wrong to base my world on another person, I was wrong to go down to similar compromises just to be loved by him. And I understood a lot of other things.

I realized that I don’t like the cold and false person that he is now in my regard, that all this love that I feel for him is wasted and that he doesn’t deserve it. Once I was a happy person, always cheerful, sunny, optimistic. I had very few reasons 10 years ago to be happy but I was happy all the same. Now I’m not anymore. Controlling his phone I discover continuous betrayals while, even now, with me sex has been off limits for three weeks and even more, he was cold and detached the few times we did it.

I find condoms all over the place, hidden in the bedroom. Yesterday afternoon he even came out with a box of condoms, thinking that I didn’t know that they were there. I could not resist anymore and I sent him a message where I told him to have fun wherever he was. Naturally, he closed himself up again, but something changed in me. Whereas before I felt anxious and terrified at the idea of losing him, now I would like him to tell me that everything is over between us, that I have to leave.

I’m literally disgusted of what I did and accepted just to stay with him. In all this chaos there is another person, known by me on the same chats on which he is registered, a person I had met two years ago and who spoke to me about feelings, about things I would have wanted with my boyfriend and this person now contacted me. He told me again about the things that made me think if it is really worthwhile to still be tied to a man who says he loves me and who attributes all his shortcomings to the loss of the job but instead proves to be more than active sexually and more than available to a possible story with others.

Perhaps it would be better to turn definitely page, leave him, since he doesn’t want to take the first step. I feel that the feeling I feel for him is going away and that disgust and anger are replacing love. I told him that for how I am, for my way of being, I need to be loved both physically and psychologically. I also need sex, I admit it candidly, I have never betrayed him but I cannot go on like this anymore. In this relationship I see only mistrust, anger, disgust and indifference and at the same time I realize that two years ago I met this other guy who instead deserved everything that I could give him and if in two years I never managed to get him out of my head, it means that I felt something for him and now I’m hoping I can get in touch with him again.

Why all this? Has anyone been in such situations before? What should I do? Leave him with the risk of repenting then of having done it? Have I to know and attend this other guy? Doing so in spite of what my partner thinks and giving him back the favor? Have I to wait and hope that this phase passes and that he finally realizes all that happened? But how can he not notice it? I’m 35 years old, I am beautiful, physically and inside, I’m a profound, intelligent and sensitive person, I’m sweet. I am one who doesn’t hold back, when I love I manifest my love, I give so much in a relationship. I’m determined and reliable, a cornerstone in a history. If he has not yet noticed all this, it means that he doesn’t care at all.

Three or four people have already told me that they don’t understand how a man can get tired of a handsome and young and intelligent, sensitive and sensual man and what is worse, they don’t understand why I want to remain attached to a man who so clearly treats me badly and despises me. I don’t know, I don’t understand it either. I only know that I’m full of doubts and fears.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-my-story-crisis-of-a-gay-couple

A GAY GUY WHO WANTS TO COME BACK SINGLE

Hello Project, I recently discovered the forum and I liked it, it seems well done and I find many times in myself what you say, but there is one thing on which I feel a long way away. Not that I don’t like what you write, only that it doesn’t seem realistic at all. I try to explain myself better. You talk about gay love, or rather about Gay Love, and it feels good to me, only that they are abstract concepts that I ended up putting aside.

I’m not so young, I turned 35 and I have had my experiences, some important, other less, but they are all over and I don’t regret them, at least I don’t regret them for what they really were, maybe I could regret them how they could have been, but here too we are always in the realm of fantasy. Will I fall in love again? I really don’t think!

I leave a “serious” story because it was so, a story that lasted 5 years. Years of anxiety, expectations, illusions and disappointments and then substantial disappointments. I don’t blame my ex, who was, after all, a good guy, maybe too different from me, or maybe we were not a well-matched couple. He was not so much interested in sex, maybe I was more interested in it, but the point is not even that. I would have liked to go and live together, and we could do it, but he didn’t want it because ” it would have been like show ourselves in the streets”, he said. But at a certain point, if you’re gay, if you feel at ease, or at least relatively at ease with your boyfriend, you’ll have to take a step forward!

We always saw each other secretly, he never wanted to take me to his house. He had no plans for our future, he could go on like this forever, but I wanted something else, I wanted to build something that was a bit like a family, just the two of us, but in one place of our own, in short, one has his needs also of privacy, even of intimacy.

I would have been willing to put myself at risk, but he didn’t want to because he said he would get into trouble at work. He has an important job and is also a character in sight. Well, he did his calculations, I was on one side of the scales and on the other there was his job and all the rest, and he decided he had to sacrifice me. For him everything had to continue as before, I could be the evening side dish of his strong plate that was his job. As a side dish I could go well, as a single dish no! And so, without too many compliments, he presented me his alternative: or so or we end it here. In recent times I had understood that it would end like this and I didn’t have too much effort to say: “Ok, then I go, bye!”

The previous stories, if I have to tell the truth, have left me very little, both in good and in bad. After many years, there is nothing left. For only one guy I felt and still feel some regrets. It was I the one who cut ties with him and I think I hurt both him and me, because maybe he was really different from the others. In practice he is the only one I have seen again sometimes even later. Now he has a history of his own for years but I don’t know much about it.

But does it make sense to look for a boyfriend? Apart from the fact that gays are few, even among those few it is very difficult to find one who can be good. I have some friends, but only friends, in fact my friends are guys that I don’t like physically, so no fear of impossible love. They tell me: but for sex, how are you doing? But there are porn videos, which at least don’t give illusions to the head and compared to the adventures like “a blow and go” at least are not dangerous for health. And then at almost 36 years. . . Well, what should I do? Should I break my head for someone? To crash into a wall of selfishness and stupidity? No! I gladly do without such things. I don’t close the doors to anything, if anything should happen to me, well, I’m ready, but certainly I will not chase guys. That phase is over.

Pornography is an alternative to real life, a non-binding, lighter thing, in which you are alone with yourself, which, after one has experienced many other things, eventually proves to be nothing stupid at all.

As a boy, I got used to thinking that a gay man should just hide, and I avoided those who wanted to come out into the open, then slowly I started to think that sooner or later a gay man or a gay couple must come out, at least going to live together and then I ended up avoiding those who thought as I thought before. In practice, these problems have been very important for me.

Life is a disgusting, Project, a continuous being deceived and also deceiving others, without a moment of real dialogue. Everyone has in mind his own project to achieve and doesn’t worry about others, I too behaved like that, but now I’m tired of going on like this. I want to go back to being alone, at least without a more or less stable partner. I would not go looking for partners for a one evening adventure, I don’t care at all such things, maybe I would be interested, but I’m too afraid of AIDS to throw myself into things like that, the old, healthy pornography, taken even in small doses, is much better.

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me what I think of gay couples and I answered him with a skeptical smile, he looked at me and said: “Ah! I understood!” He wanted to be encouraged by me! He was not making his proclamation of love to me, he just wanted to be encouraged to throw himself with all his shoes in a new adventure, but he didn’t seem to be too enthusiastic about it.

And then it’s not even a gay problem, for hetero people it’s even worse. I don’t understand the meaning of wanting to be together anyway. I understand when it comes to bring children into the world and, to the limit, to raise them, but if there are no children, why this mania to get together? Each one to his own home, even a home suitable for a single person, but nothing more, so that when two guys meet, there is a bit more enthusiasm, but I don’t like the gay parody of the family of the white mill!

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-guy-who-wants-to-come-back-single

FEELING GAY AND REBORN

December 9th 2015 the day of my rebirth. And here I am, in spite of my shyness, to share my life with you all. 
Let’s start from the beginning, my childhood. Well, my childhood. What to say, a period totally “black”, a father with vices, who beats your mother and you look, 5/6 years old, and you are helpless, the worst thing is to look and not be able to do anything, and, despite all, my mother has always had a smile printed not to make me worry, to make me grow without hating my father or anyway to protect me in some way from everything that happened. 
But let’s leave this argument, now it’s an old story, even if sometimes when I least expect it, I think back to those images. At that time the only person with whom I could feel good, playing, was my cousin V., he was two years older than me, a brother in short, with whom I could play and not think about those moments. After that period has ended, one has started even worse. 
At 11 years during the period of secondary school, I had taken a lot of kilograms, because many times I used to take refuge in food when I was down. I have been a victim of bullying for 3 years, when I came home I had a sore body, they enjoyed pinching me where I had the “rolls”, but the strongest pain was due to the nicknames that bothered me. Even now while I’m writing, if I think back to those moments, I feel a great sense of suffering. I’ve always been one that keeps everything inside, never showing outside my emotions, and I didn’t talk to anyone about those things. 
The only one who had noticed my behavior was V., I felt better when he was talking to me, but then, one day, when I reached the peak of sadness, and I needed him, he gave me the coup de grace. We were in his room, I state that I had not seen any kind of pornographic magazine/site, and even less I knew what masturbation was. He tells me “Undress, I want to give you a massage”, I didn’t see it as a strange thing because he used to massage me when I was stressed, but that day was different. While I was lying down, he slipped my panties off and abused me. 
I know it may seem stupid to talk about abuse in this case, because you could tell me “Ok, you were there, you liked it maybe, so what do you want?”, But at that time I needed a person to help me because I was mentally fragile, and at that moment I felt nothing, I felt useless, lost. Since that day I have no more been in contact with him and I have started to close more and more in myself. 
And here we are at the beginning of high school, same story, shyness and closure due to my outward appearance, I could only relate to someone if someone spoke to me, otherwise I stood in the corner, in silence as if I were a shadow. I began to feel good when I saw people approaching and chatting with me, but after a few months I realized that they were guys/girls who approached me only to get help in some subject, because I was a nerd, then after getting a good grade in that subject they didn’t consider me anymore. 
Good. Finally a positive period arrives in my life, so if you have suffered with me while you were reading the first part, I hope you can breathe a sigh of relief. In the third year of high school my class has been dismembered, and I ended up in another classroom. New classroom, new companions, new isolation. Within the classroom, most of them had a schoolmate, before the desks were all occupied, I threw myself on the first empty desk I found. And N. comes to sit next to me, short red hair, fair complexion, smiling. He sits next to me and immediately introduces himself, and starts talking to me as if we’ve known each other for years. 
At the beginning I started eggshells, I said to myself “But he will be the umpteenth guy who tries to cheat me with a little smile to use me in some way”, as V. and the others did. In the days to follow, however, I saw that he behaved like that with everyone, he was sincere, outgoing, he gave me attention and in the evening forced me to go out with him and his friends (since I had never left home until the age of 16). 
I believed in him when during the fourth year trip to Budapest, we had to go with the whole classroom to a spa. The world collapsed on me, I had to undress in front of the whole class? I rather shoot myself. He squeezes me that day, looks at me and says: “Listen, now you prepare and come, do you think you are obese? That is, you weight 100 kg, is this for you to be obese? You are going to see people who are in the spa that weight about 200, I want to see what you think then. And, listen, if you don’t go there, I don’t go either.” 
So I went there, and in the locker room he tried to act as a barrier so that other classmates could not make fun of me in any way, and he was close to me for as long as we’ve been in the spa. After that trip, the doubts began, the questions, the malaise; because when he was absent from school or I became aware that he had a girlfriend, I was jealous. A morbid jealousy, so much to be angry with him and fight, and of course I realized that I was exaggerating. I spent sleepless nights wondering, “Why do I think of him? Why am I so jealous? Why do I go to school in the morning only to see him?” And I also started to get excited when I thought of him. 
At that moment, the deepest part of me, perhaps, already understood that I was homosexual, but my mind refused to believe it, perhaps because I was thinking about the pain caused by obesity? I don’t know. But my mind went into a self-defense mechanism, let’s call it so, to find answers (excuses) to these questions. Anyway maybe I think because he was the first to consider me and therefore I considered him like a brother, and somehow like a part of me, our story went on. 
The diploma arrives, for me the terror. Why? Because I knew I would never see him every day, how would I have done? Luckily in the following months he had enrolled in the gym, and he invited me to register with him, so I could see him 3/4 times a week. Everything lasted until he found a girlfriend, after he got engaged our relationship was waning, and I’ve been sick for months, because I knew I couldn’t see him anymore, by the way the year after he left for the military service. So I slipped into a huge emptiness, yet another hope destroyed. 
There were two girls, my classmates, and one of them had a crush on me, which I realized after quite a while since I didn’t pay attention to her ways to tell me “Look, I like you!” At that moment I thought it was time to get engaged, after all I was 19, my best friend was engaged, so I took the opportunity on the fly to organize a couple of occasions to be with her. 
In this period, further doubts and uncertainties have arisen, because I noticed that when I kissed my girlfriend I didn’t get excited, I didn’t think about sex, I didn’t feel anything. As for sex, fortunately she didn’t want to do it because she was a virgin, otherwise I don’t know how I would have done it. After 8 months we broke up because she told me that she didn’t see a bit of love towards her, but only affection. I felt sick, because, as those bullies had played with my feelings, at that moment I seemed to have played with the feelings of a friend of mine, having deluded her. 
The University begins, new environment, new companions, on the one hand happiness, on the other, the umpteenth fear due to my appearance. Same behavior as in the high school, as if I hadn’t matured in those years. As usual, aloof from people who had already created small groups. After a few minutes M. sits next to me, an extrovert guy, solar, brown and with a little belly (eh eh!). In short, we begin to talk and somehow I see N. in him, but M. seemed even better. 
We were so close together that that we saw each other in the morning, the afternoon we studied together or at my home or at his, we went out in the evening. Even with him fraternal relationship, I managed to talk more, to trust in myself, and he also talked to me about his intimate problems, many times he asked me for advice and told me that I was a good listener. 
We created a small group, and we spent our evenings in bars, discos, between alcohol and entertainment. In “their” case, even girls, because they went to the disco with the intention of courting girls, I instead just to change, prisoner of my shyness, I was just trying to have fun. 
Last summer, summer 2014 (I will never forget it!), my parents go on vacation for a week and I send a message on the whatsapp group that we had in common: “Guys I have free house, if you want to come here to sleep, we organize some alcoholic evening or we give ourselves to meat cooked on the barbecue and wine, in short, use my home as a hotel!” M. took me seriously, got his suitcase and moved to me for a week. Woe to me that I sent that message! 
That week was overwhelming, we were walking around the house in our underwear, going out of the shower and staying naked for a half hour, we slept together and when we were in bed sexual talks were usual. I had to go continuously to the bathroom to lessen my excitement. 
After two days I confessed to him that I was happy that he had come, because I never had brothers and with him I could talk about everything and I was fine. After those words he hugged me, and in the following five days when I least expected it, while watching TV, while I was on the couch, he came and hugged me. When the seven days ended and he went away, I felt like crying. Take me for crazy, but for two weeks I couldn’t set foot in the room where we slept, I thought of him, it was something stronger than me. 
Perhaps at that moment the hidden part of me was about to come out. But a few days later, in addition to having engaged with a girl, he shoots a very ugly sentence. He has always been a bit racist, but I have never seen anything in his attitudes that was against gays. Sorry if I write to you this sentence, if you want, you cannot even read it, because in my opinion it is really very aggressive, and at that time I considered myself hetero, you can figure out how I can take it now. 
He said, I don’t remember exactly in what context “But … the fags? All sick people, they should get treatment, because it’s a disease … if it were up to me I would reopen the ovens of Auschwitz, just to burn them all.” So, you know, when you put someone on a pedestal and then it collapses? Here it is. 
In February, this year, out of curiosity I get on the scales and see “130 Kg”, I said to myself: “Well … there are people I saw on TV who weig 140/150/160, and cry, despair because now that they have understood the gravity of the situation they can no longer make a movement and everything is much more difficult. Why do I have to wait for that moment too? It’s very easy to get 20 kg. Why do I have to be sick? I have to lift my ass and get busy.” 
I start the gym. Well, what about … I noticed that in the locker room I had pleasure in seeing guys undress and take a shower. And I always tried to look at the guys in question in full, maybe if I was about the last exercise and there was a guy I liked, I calculated the time it would take for him to go undress and get into the shower, so I could see it. Just to masturbate then thinking about the guys seen that day. 
Obviously the time came for the “Why I do it?” And here again the twisted mind, with the self-defense system told me: “Anyway I definitely enjoy looking at the naked guys, because I’m obese and I like to see lean or athletic bodies.” I think after reading these things, you smiled or said: “What problems does your brain have? Seriously!” Unfortunately it was so, I gave myself these stupid answers. 
In November I reached 85 kg, obviously I was very happy, also because relatives or people around notice your change and your willpower and congratulate. Then, finally, I had destroyed the barrier that had prevented me from dealing with people for years. Everything seemed perfect. But instead … But no. Mid-November, new feelings of emptiness, as if something were missing, and I saw that I continued to be attracted by guys. Has it become a habit? 
I made the decision to go to a psychologist, I told him a little bit about my life. I noticed that at every session he always asked me the same question “Are you okay with your sexuality?” And I, like a stupid: “Yes yes, I’m fine.” After that question strangely he changed the subject. After 5/6 sessions he told me “I don’t see anything unusual in you, because we talked for a long time, and you are convinced that everything is okay, I cannot do anything else.” 
Now don’t ask me why and how, but 8 days ago, December 9th, I’m assailed by the umpteenth doubts and thoughts. I type on google “Test to understand if you are gay”, and I come across Gay Project test (thankfully). I conclude the test and I have a positive result. I thought “Ok, it’s just a test”, and I started out of pure curiosity to read stories of guys who understood they were gay, right here on the forum. At one point while I was reading, I take my head off the pc, I look out the window and in a loud voice I say, “I’m gay!” At that time I needed a writing that would come out of the computer maybe capitalized “Oh finally, and what the hell, and it took all this time?” 
Overwhelmed by the thing, I turned the computer off and went to bed. At that moment I thought back to my whole life, from childhood. That’s why I was sick without N., I was in love with him. That’s why I felt nothing for my girlfriend, not because she was like a sister to me, but because I didn’t feel love for girls, but just deep affection. That’s why I was fine with M., and I even felt like crying, and collapsed when he made that statement. That’s why at the gym I was excited looking at the guys. The day after I felt reborn! 
December 9th 2015 is perhaps a date I will not easily forget. On the one hand very happy, on the other a little less. Because at first I said to myself: “But what the heck, after finally managing to throw down the wall of obesity, now I have to face this other situation!” I know that this will be a difficult path full of obstacles, but ok, I accept it. It took me 9/10 years to fight obesity. Ok, it will take as many for this thing!” 
But who knows …, as long as I’m quiet with myself, I’ve discovered my real self, I’m reborn and I’m optimistic. Now I just want to create friendships, because unfortunately in my city people are strongly homophobic, they don’t reach the level of M., but still don’t joke. So doing a C.O. it would be destructive, at least for the moment. I hope to create many friendships here, and to find out more about this new “world”, because I’m totally unaware of some terminologies or sexual behaviors among gays. 
I THANK YOU for the time you have spent reading my story, because that a person who doesn’t know me should devote me 5/10/15 minutes of his time, it is already a gift. So I thank you for your time. I hope my story can give some confidence to all who are bullied, who are suffering, and who have suffered. I only tell you not to give up, to force you. Cannot you do it alone? I am at your disposal, from today on I will be in chat or here on the forum. Excuse me for any grammatical errors, it is 3.40 in the morning and I sincerely don’t want to read all the papyrus I wrote, in case I will do some changes. I hope I have written things in an orderly manner, because sometimes I tend to go from one thing to another. Thanks again and have a nice day!
Greetings from your Little Wolf! 
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If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-feeling-gay-and-reborn

AFFECTIVE GAY SEX

Dear Project,

reading here and there on the Gay Project sites I felt comfortable and I did not feel the same way reading other sites that talk about gay sexuality. I often felt embarrassed in talking with guys about sex and came to think that there was something wrong with me, something that did not work as it should have been.

I’m 26 and I have never had sex with anyone. Sometimes, but in practice only a couple of times, I thought that with the guys I met in chat we could even get to have sex, but the impression was quickly denied when I heard what they meant for gay sexuality. Maybe I dream too much, maybe I’m infantile in my way of conceiving sexuality, but I have the impression that with a guy, let’s say better, with the majority of the guys I would feel uncomfortable. I’m not sex phobic, I do not have nudity-related psychological complexes, I’ve been a team-mate for years, and I’ve never had problems with changing rooms and showers, I do not have religious complexes, I masturbate as all the guys do and I don’t have complexes even on this. Physically I think I’m a guy I do not say handsome but at least normal, but from a sexual point of view I feel a little disadvantaged.

I try to explain to you how I mean gay sex, or rather I try to explain how I would have sex with a guy.

First of all, I dream of love and not of sex, and it is not a matter of words, I dream of loving and being loved, I dream a true, deep, mutual love. I know that so many people would say that these are just fantasies and that reality is very different but with a guy who does not really love me and I really do not love him, I would feel absolutely uncomfortable, it would be a mutual instrumentalization. My purpose is not to have sex with a guy but to create a love relationship that can last in time, which can make us feel like a couple to help us in the real difficulties of life and then that is stable and faithful. I want a guy I can trust not one who speaks in one way and acts in another, he must be my boyfriend and I his, that is, our love must be exclusive, otherwise it is better to be alone. With my guy there should be a perfect consonance, a total complicity to understand each other without saying even a word.

But I come to sexual fantasies: first I dream about pampering, because I see it as a sign of tenderness, affection, physical proximity, sharing without reservations even physicality. I dream of sleeping together naked, feeling the warmth of my partner, I dream of being able to join him with my whole body, I dream of caressing him and of course I dream that he also does the same with me. I never, absolutely never, thought of sexual roles, my relationship with a guy must be absolutely equal, in the utmost spontaneity and in total agreement. Never and ever impositions, not even veiled, nor even repeated requests. Relationship must proceed in a totally spontaneous way. It is of particular importance to be embraced for a few minutes, to exchange heat, then, of course, kisses, caresses, hands moving into the hair and hugging tight, naked body with naked body.

Then I think also of something more strictly sexual and here I feel very strongly my distance from the mentality of so many guys. You may think it’s incredible, but I have never had sexual fantasies about anal penetration and, I would say, not even about oral sex. Pornography is full of these things but I cannot understand such things because they have never been part of my fantasies. Instead, I think of a sexual intimacy based on intimate genital caresses, to understand the physical sexual reactions of the partner, always under conditions of total reciprocity. I dream of having a partner with a dick very similar to mine, because I would somehow know it already and would know how it reacts. Then I think we would easily get to masturbation, but always having a long time, with long pauses, that is, without considering sex something separate from the rest of life, but on the contrary integrating it with everything else in a totally spontaneous way. And then the relationship would not end with ejaculation, but it would go on afterwards, staying close, hugging, cuddling even afterwards.

I would like to add something that might sound stupid but I think it is very important. I have often thought that my way of seeing gay sex would radically reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and, in my opinion at least, would not reduce the pleasure of having sex with a guy.

You can imagine the reactions when I talked about such things chatting with guys. Being considered a Martian was the least, many guys often considered me an unrecoverable psychopath, then when I came to Gay Project, I found your article on anal sex and I was shocked. I was not a pathologic case! But not only, there are so many guys who think more or less like me though unfortunately it is not easy to find them.
Project, I quote below the mail I received from a guy after we had talked a bit on chat. I think it may be indicative.

“But are you kidding me? Cuddles? How old are you? You have to start getting some real experience, you have to wake up! If you like, [Sorry, Project, I apologize for the vulgar expression] I’m available to fuck you and I think you’ll like it. So many guys act like fussy persons, but then, when they understand what sex really is, they don’t stop anymore.”

Perhaps another guy’s mail is even more interesting.

“Alt! Stop! If you’re out of your head I’ll leave you right away. I have enough psychopaths, I’m just looking for sex, I told you so clearly and I do not have time to lose, so bye and I block you right away.”

I also received a serious email and I have to say the truth, I thought he was the right person. I thought a lot about what I should have answered and in the end I sent my long and meditated email. Obviously I didn’t get any answer and that user disappeared from the chat. I think that falling in love and feeling the love of the partner it’s really beautiful, but to me it never happened. I do not know if it will ever happen, but I still do not give up on my dreams to find answers, which would not be what I’m going to look for. At least on Gay Project I feel I’m not alone.

If you want to post this mail do it, maybe my letter can help somebody else not to feel alone.

L.V.

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If you like, you can participate in the discussion of this post, open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/showthread.php?tid=127

TEMPTATIONS OF A GAY GUY IN VACATION

Project,

I have to try to understand what to do because if I don’t I go crazy, my name is Marco, a simple but true name and I’m not ashamed to use it here because it is very common, so at zero risk. I’m twenty, almost 21, I live in a city in central Italy. I have always had two strong passions, since I was a little boy, one are guys and the other is the sea.

Nobody knows about me, no one at home, no friends, no one at all. I do not pretend to be straight and my friends, who have all a girlfriend, never made themselves into my own facts. Since the high school till now at university I have three friends, let’s call them Luca, Carlo and Enzo, we all study at the same faculty and we study together, there are no stupid jealousies for questions of school grades or things of this sort even if we have to pass the same examinations. They are good guys and I trust them except on a single point that I do not even want to consider with them. We spend a lot of time together both in the morning and in the afternoon to study, for the rest each one has his own life and practically we never talk about it. This year, for the first time, my parents allowed me to leave on holiday for my own and I agreed with my three friends and rented a little apartment, just a single room and kitchen in front of the see, near [omissis]. The place is gorgeous, for a sea lover like me it’s the best. The house was cheap, indeed I would say very cheap, and that’s why we got it immediately, it had some problems, but at the end we had to stay there for only 5 days and so it did not even make sense to look for another. It had only one room and we were four, then it was exposed to the south, the sun warmed it in full from dawn to sunset, in the evening, the temperature reached 33°C and there was only a single window that by the way had a dense mosquito net, so it could be opened only in a very relative way. All this should give the impression of an unbearable torture but for me it was not like that at all. In the center of the room, there was a table, because the kitchen was so little that two persons standing couldn’t even get into. In the evening we moved the table in one corner and added two camp beds because there were just two single sofa beds on both sides of the room. There was not even a fan, just nothing! The heat was such strong that the sweat poured on drops on our face. The first day we arrived at eleven o’clock in the morning, we only thought about getting ready to go to the sea, we did not even have the problem of cooking because we had brought lunch from home. We have spent our time in the water, between low water and swimming, practically until eight and a half in the evening and we were fine there, or better divinely, there were very few people although it was the week before August 15th, we were sitting in the low water to talk, then we were engaged in swimming race, then in a little race between us, in short, it was fine and the time was flying, then sunset came and with it clouds of mosquito (there was a cane thicket nearby) and we had to run into the house, we told each-other that fortunately there was the mosquito net. When we entered, we had the impression of getting into a furnace, a disagreeable feeling, we opened the single real window and the two half windows in the bath and in the kitchen, but the three windows were all on the same wall and had dense mosquito nets, and no air stream was moving. First instinctive solution: the cold shower, 5 minutes each one. The bathroom was small, no key to the door, shower in a corner without box and no curtain, but it did not create the least problem. One went in the shower, it was just for 5 minutes, then the others knocked on the door because they could not wait to cool them as well. We were all shirtless after the shower, but after ten minutes, the heat again became unbearable and then another shower was needed. We ate that little bit of dinner we had brought from home that had been baking on the table, because there was not even a fridge! Then Luca tried to turn on his PC but there was no internet connection, so no PC was available. There was no TV, just a half-broken radio, we heard it for a while but it was an old archaeological device that warmed up like a stove and that could not stay switched on for more than a minute because it croaked a lot. Luca and Carlo at one point said that they could no longer resist within their shorts, they pulled them off and remained in their underwear, or rather in their briefs, those classic white ones. Enzo has resisted for a while, then he too followed them. I did not know what to do, I kept my bermuda shorts on that were a real torture because they were all wet and glued to the skin. I had in front of me in a few square feet my friends in briefs who were still sweating like fountains. We opened the camp beds. From left to right we were: Enzo, I, Luca and Carlo. I had a good time because Carlo is a bit overweight and frankly does not attract me. Enzo is not bad, a handsome guy, but he is not exactly my type, but Luca has always been my secret dream. Project, I’m still one of those gays, so to say, stupid, who fall in love with their straight friend even though they know very well that he is straight. In short, we went to bed and turned off the light. Near the window there was a street lamp and the light filtered the same and once you were used to seeing in that weak light, you could see everything quite distinctly. Carlo noticed the rather strong light of the street lamp and said, “Guys, I close the window because there is too much light”, but I stopped him right away and said, “No! Come on! There is already an unbearable heat here!” And Carlo left the window wide open. After about ten minutes he collapsed like a chunk, Enzo turned and turned on the bed, but then began to collapse. Luca went to pee, then threw himself on the camp bed, he seemed very agitated, pulled his briefs down without saying anything, put himself belly down om the vamp bed and slowly fell asleep. I frankly did not really sleep at all. I had Luke sleeping completely naked at 30 cm from me. In practice, I did not take my eyes off him the whole night long. Of course he did not sleep all night belly down and for me it has been a show absolutely unique and amazing, he had also the morning erection, but in practice I was in constant erection from the evening before. At about seven o’clock in the morning, when Carlo rolled over a little, before getting up, Luca put on back his briefs in front of me, but with the utmost naturalness, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, then he took the phone and went out to call the girl because there was no signal inside the house. Sometimes I think that his girl is really lucky! Wow, let’s go on! I was shocked by the fact that for Luca to sleep naked in the room with his friends was a very normal thing. That’s why for a straight guy the locker room is neutral and does not produce any effect. In practice for a straight guy being naked with friends is not something that has to do with sex neither has something to do with the idea of ​​being naked with a girl. In the following days, he came out naked twice from the shower and wiped out in front of us and no one did a wrinkle, of course neither did I! Eh eh! He is a sportsman and you see that he does not have any conditioning in these things. In fact we stayed in that house for only four nights and for four nights Luca slept close to me completely naked without any embarrassment. You can’t even imagine what a shocking effect this thing did to me, or perhaps you can, rather… certainly you can. But how can a straight guy be so uninhibited? It’s just something I  can’t understand. But why all the straight guys take it for granted that all their friends are straight? In the days we’ve been there I did not hear a gay joke, not even minimal. We were friends, we were fine with us, we did not even talk about girls. Who knows what the value it could have for them that holiday all for men! Maybe every five minutes they thought of their girls, but to me it seemed they were fine without having to think about their girls. I was fine, certainly, because I was with Luca and “that way”, but they also, in my opinion, were all fine. I think, although without sexual intercourse, because such things were absolutely impossible there, even straight guys like a short “only male” vacation. Every day we stayed there I pretended to be totally disinterested in these things, by day, “but not by night!” To use Arbore’s [an Italian showman] words. Since I did not sleep in the night; in the morning I was completely upset and my friends told me I seemed really upset, but I said I had not slept because of the heat, although the reason was Luke. Now the white-nights period is over, we’re back in town, for them nothing happened, did you understand, Project? Nothing happened! But for me it happened in a shocking way! Project! I’m really upset! Perhaps I do not get it from my head anymore! Even though I found him sleeping naked near me for four nights one behind the other, I know very well that he is straight, and now I know it much better than before! What a desperation! What happened to me has really upset me! Before this vacation, I fantasized about Luca, you understand when, but now it has become my total obsession! Project, what should I do? I cannot avoid thinking about Luca! I have him in my blood! If you want, you can post this mail on your forum, because my friends will never open a gay site!

GAY GUYS IN THE POOL BETWEEN TENDERNESS AND SEXUALITY

Hello Project
I opened by chance “gay project” and I started to read, it’s really amazing for me to find myself at ease here, nothing is too much or too little, there are just the lives of gay guys as they are. I never thought to write to someone to talk about myself so intimately but since there is the anonymity I opened a new email and I am determined. I thought of writing to ask for an opinion, or just to speak about my mind, on an issue that now is buzzing in my head a lot and that is the relationship between sex and affection, that is meaning of the sex when you fall in love with a boy .
I start from the beginning. I am 21 years old, studying at university, I never had a real social life, friends or anything like that, at school I played play of others, I pretended to be straight, as I think it’s almost mandatory to do so, I had my little falling in love with a mate, a straight guy, I’ve suffered at the beginning, then I accepted everything. At University you can find a lot of hot guys you like but it’s like at school, all straight. We study and in practice we have nothing better to do, even during the breaks, when teachers change, I never go out of the classroom and spend my time re-ordering notes. At home, then fully comedy, I’m only child, shamelessly pampered by my mom and two aunts living at my home, not by my father who at least doesn’t asphyxiates me. At home I haven’t any gay book or gay film. I never speak about girls, this is obvious, but neither about guys, I can speak about my friends only for study and exams. Apparently no one is asking too many questions. I never heard at home the classic question: “Do you have a girlfriend?”. In such an environment, guarded in practice on sight and without any kind of occasions, for me, sexuality has always been a problem. I cannot talk to anyone at any level and I have to be careful not to even be in front of my TV when they send some news about gays. They are not homophobic, just believe that gay people live on other planets and that “we, normal people, have nothing to do with those” exact words of my aunt. I discovered masturbation quite late, at 15, because since that time these topics have been regularly set aside as if total ignorance could prevent who knows what. I was so far away from sexual things that when I masturbated for the first time and I got a lot of ejaculation I was worried because I had not really understood what it was and thought there was something wrong and that the white stuff was perhaps due to the fact that I gave off too much and that I had broken something inside, maybe in the kidneys. And then I could not talk to anyone, I was really afraid of being hurt, that I measured the fever many times because I thought something would happen to me but nothing happened. At the time I could not even look at the internet because I did not have a computer of mine and search sex on my father’s computer would sound very strange to me. Then my parents are Catholic and, at least to a certain point, even I’m, and then we went to church on Sunday, mom and aunts were always doing the communion and I was doing as well. In practice at 15 I went to confess every Sunday that I masturbated, I promised myself to stop but then absolutely, I inevitably had to fall back, in practice it was the same story every week. I never told the priest that I was gay because that is not sin, at least I understood it. In essence, a depressing thing, a struggle with myself that was repeated every week. Then when I was 16 my parents gave me my first computer of my own and there I was the mother of invention, I have studied with great care as you put the password so no one could access my computer, I think my father would not have ever done such things for reasons of principle (and I respect him because he respects me) but my mother would put her hands there, and I’m sure she thinks it is the duty of a good mother to meddle in the affairs of the son, but finally, put the password, I could feel comfortable. I could lock myself in my room, but this would not have been tolerated, but I had my computer where no one could be in the way of my business. I rearranged the furniture in my room and put my desk looking toward the door, so no one could enter without me noticing him and I placed the location of my computer so I could have time to change the page if someone had walked into. Internet for me meant especially pornography. At first it was just an obsession, I could not wait, in the evening, to put myself in front of the computer even if I had to wait until all were gone to bed. At first it was really a frenetic hunt for free porn sites, but I was and I’m still very selective, porn, yes, but there must be something sweet, affectionate, otherwise I change. I took a huge collection of photos, not video, looking for my ideal physical model of boy and then I worked on trying to build my fantasy movie with a story of a boy, a kind of tender love story and also sex, all mixed together. All my sexuality was reduced to masturbation and these fantasies, but I liked a lot. I was not frustrated or thinking that I was really missing something, or at least I did not think so until recently.
And here begins the second part of the story. I’m pretty tall and very thin, and after a disturbing flue, the family doctor insisted that I could practice sports. At first I just didn’t want to because I had never done such things, even as a child, then my parents insisted and I started to think that in fact it could also have a purpose in a sexual way, so I accepted, three times a week in a swimming pool close to my home (I go there on foot in 20 minutes). I go there in the afternoon at 18.00 in order to have a little free time to devote to other things. The first time I went there to register and pay the fee I was upset: a nice place, very clean and very well equipped, I was put at the beginners course and I did know the coach, a guy about 25/30 maximum, beautiful, with a beautiful smile and an athletic handshake. However it was a very short conversation. In the afternoon I bought swimsuit, bathrobe, towel and bag, I tried the swimsuit the less compromising and useful to defend more in case of erection and then I got just an erection paranoia: what if it happens to me? And I started going back and forth: I’ll go or not go? And then I wondered if the showers had partitions and many other such things, however I decided to go swimming wearing my swimsuit under my trousers to overcome at least the first embarrassed, then, if necessary, I could get away 10 minutes before the others and go in the locker room when no one was there. I was very uncertain, however, my parents had paid money in order to let me practice sports and then I was expected to do so, in short, at 17.45 o’clock, the day after, I made my entrance into the pool, the coach was there, we shook hands with other boys. Guys more or less about my age where many, in all about a dozen on the 15 scheduled. The coach told us to sit on the benches poolside waiting “those” of the previous course to get out of the locker room, a course for girls, so you cannot get in the dressing room until they have finished, the coach told us in a mischievous smile very spontaneous, I could say typically straight, which led me to exclude him from the number of interesting guys. Meanwhile, I eyed three boys pretty good and in particular one of the three who had reacted in an embarrassed way to the coach’s speech. Then after minutes we entered the locker room I took a seat on the bench right next to that guy, I do not know if he realized he was embarrassed but he really was. I had already my swimsuit on and I was pretty quiet, but he put on the swimsuit there, but in a special way. He had a very long shirt (I think he had it chosen for that very reason), first he pulled out the edges of the shirt that practically covered the entire “x area” then he lowered his trousers pulling them from the bottom, without raising flaps of the shirt, then he pulled down pants with a very similar maneuver, and put on the swimsuit and to bring it up took it form over his shirt, in practice it all lasted no more than 10 seconds and, of course, I saw nothing, then he took off his shirt and I’ve saw him with only the swimsuit on. He was beautiful! A hundred times better than me! In the meantime I had taken off my trousers and shirt and I was in my swimsuit too. I searched his x zone and in practice I didn’t see anything, obviously he was so embarrassed that the situation gave him no sexual reaction, for me it was not exactly like that, but my swimsuit was pretty adequate and contained me fine, however I tried to distract me to lower that principle of erection. During the lesson there were other people, there was the coach and then I got distracted. However, the guy threw furtive glances to me every now and then, and sometimes I even caught him looking at me. In practice, I wondered what he would do at the end of the lesson, if I could see him naked and what should I do with showers. Then the time came. We went into the locker room and he repeated the same maneuver he had done when he put on the swimsuit, exactly on the contrary, in practice it dried his chest, put the “drop down” shirt and then took off the swimsuit, dried himself and put on his briefs, and always under the flap of the shirt, this time everything was very fast and I did not see anything. I put on the robe, dried and got dressed under my bathrobe, but I can say right in the most beautiful moment my bathrobe opened and I saw him throwing the eye over there, suddenly he turned away and apologized. A very unusual thing in a locker room of a swimming pool. I finished in a few seconds to get dressed, red-faced with embarrassment, but I did not want to lose contact with him, even if, instead of seeing him, he had been who had seen me. While he was putting things in the bag I thought to ask him why he apologized but probably it would create embarrassment so I just asked if it was the first time he was in the pool (stupid question), and from there we started talking a little, he was relieved that I had not given weight to the episode of the bathrobe. We went to the bar, had a drink then I asked if he had a car, he said no and I offered to accompany him home because, unusually for my habit of walking, I came by car. I took him home, rather distant, about 20 minutes by car, we spoke only of sport and training, when he left, he greeted me with a nice handshake, very determined. I’ll call him Mark, but actually he has an unusual name that inspires me very gently. My parents at home noticed that I got good experience in the pool and they were happy. I know Mark has completely changed my life, not that apparent, of course, but the sexual life. In practice it is almost completely eclipsed the era of pornography and started the era of Mark. I’m in an immense tenderness and this is the point, it is a sexual tenderness, practically all of my sexuality is dedicated only to him and all my mental films have a single protagonist. I love him because it’s a good guy, if possible even more clumsy than me, but I also want him sexually, and I’m not ashamed to say so. We were in the early days of embarrassing situations in which I felt guilty because I had not spoken to him so clear, for example, sometimes in the evening I called him on the phone, I told him that I could not say too much because my parents where at home and I did not have the privacy I wanted, but he called me a lot, usually half an hour and more and it was the same for me, and those calls have a strong erotic value even now, when I know he’s going to call me I go to bed and talk on the phone while masturbating under the covers. Of all this I feel a bit guilty, because he doesn’t know, but I would have liked him to do the same. Over time, the pool, things are a little changed, and we became real friends, I used to take him at home and get him back home three times a week and we talked about a lot of thing but never about things related to sex. In the locker room the embarrassment of the first time had slowly passed, he used no more his “drop down” shirt and changed by my side remaining naked for a second, just like I started to do, and he used to give me a look at that time, just as I did with him, it seams too little thing, but I looked at him and he pretended it was nothing. At the end between us it was a kind of sexual contact accepted. I had noticed that, as Americans would say, he is well endowed in that department and I cannot deny that when I think about that my blood is boiling. Then an event occurred that changed things completely. One evening, after I drove him home, we were talking a long time in the car and in practice we have declared each other. Before he made a long preamble that could mean only one thing, then I asked if I could hold his hand and he said yes, it was a close intense moment that never ended, I told him: “Do I embarrass you if I say that I’m sexually aroused?” He said: “It happens to me too.” It had been more than five months since our first meeting. Embracing Mark, I can finally kiss him, touch him even intimately knowing that he’s fine with that and see that there really is an experience sexuality in unison, with practically identical reactions, I see a guy who “wants” to stay with me, I think we are a couple and this probably will not collapse, such tings make me feel great. Now we’ve been together many months and my life changed. My sexuality belongs to Mark. Unfortunately we cannot live our feelings in the light of the sun, but there is nothing I would change on the world for the joy of being near him, because he’s a sweet guy, a bit as I think I’m, but he is also much sensual. When we are intimate it seems to me to dream. Unfortunately we attend different studies and probably would have very different tasks, we live our history in secret, and can meet once a week and spend together Saturday afternoon and Sunday in a small house outside of town in the Apennines, the last few months it was bitterly cold and stay embraced under the covers was just something very tender. It’s great to live together sex and tenderness. Sometimes I’m afraid it’s only a dream and that it could end at any moment, when he’s out traveling by car I make him send me a text message every time he arrives at destination, and I do the same with him. We must save our happiness. That’s why I wanted to tell the boys of gay project that sex and tenderness are one thing, and happiness is possible! So brave! An affectionate greeting to you, Project, who put on this project. Of course you can publish my mail. A hug to all my dear.
Michael
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If you like, you can comment in English this post, also on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-guys-in-the-pool-between-tenderness-and-sexuality