WHAT I LIKE AND WHAT I DISLIKE OF GAY SEX

Hi Project,

I had big fears before talking to you last night, then those fears have dissipated and I can only say that talking to you was really useful to put aside many unnecessary complexes. I had a very Catholic education, which I don’t consider totally negative, but which also created a lot of complexes about sexuality in me, and the fact that I’m gay has certainly not facilitated things. However, yesterday evening I had no problems, it’s true, but I still limited myself to very general speeches.

Today I would like to go into more specific issues on which I have no chance to compare myself with other guys and then, where I live, it would be not only difficult but also risky because homophobia is quite common here.

I can tell that I’m rather lucky because I attend university in a big city and I have my autonomy, at 22, almost 23, I have done my sexual experiences even if with very variable results. There are things that I don’t like at all, first of all the fact that dating a guy should only serve to have sex with him and then: goodbye, see you next time! It’s absurd to think of being with a guy just to have sex with him. I cannot stand the indecision, the fact that one depends on the decision of the other whether to have sex or not and the other pretends nothing, such an attitude seems hateful to me, sex should not be asked as a grace, but should come spontaneously, otherwise the relationship is not equal. But let’s go into the specific. I like guys who don’t make their partners pray them, who make the first step, who don’t play only in response, the ones who let understand that they are really involved.

Allow me to express myself freely, I don’t like guys who when they are getting ready to have sex (lowering their underpants) are not even in erection, if you don’t have it hard it means that you are not really sexually involved, if it is not my presence itself to make you get hard, what sense does it have to go on? Probably there are other people with whom you would react with a very quick and decisive hard-on, I say this because, if I’m really involved, I react immediately. I don’t like guys who are ashamed to be excited, guys who cover it with their hands, who want to turn off the light, who want to stay under the sheets. But what’s the point of having sex with a guy if I cannot even see him naked and excited? One told me that I’m a voyeur, but if I have sex with you and it’s okay with you, I don’t really understand what you have to be ashamed of.

Then there is the whole unmentionable series of complexes on the size of the penis, on the shape, on the length, on the thickness, on maintaining the erection, etc. etc., here maybe I can understand more the fears of so many guys and what you say, Project, it seems a bit simplistic. At least for me the fact that my partner is well endowed is not indifferent. I take my penis as a model, which is nothing special, but it suits me because I’m used to it. I like guys with a penis similar to mine, so to speak, normal size and straight.

I’ve never met guys with the penis curved in an accentuated way, but I found one with a narrow phimosis and he was a bit complexed by this thing, but I must say that, except for a little initial perplexity it did not create any problem, it reacted very well and in many ways (size and shape) was also well above normal standards and above mine in particular. With that guy I didn’t have any sexual problems of any kind, but the story is over because he went to live in Australia and I was very disappointed, because he was a very good and very intelligent guy. But let’s go on, I don’t like ritual, repetitive sex, sex made with a hard face, without smiling and without joking about what is being done.

Then there is a fundamental thing, even if I managed to achieve it only once, the sex must be safe, the risk must be reduced to zero, you do the test together before having sex, you wait the window period and repeat the test, if it came negative both times, then you can be much calmer and you can have sex without being devoured by doubts and concerns. If one does not want to do the double test, sex must be done only with condoms and there can be no discussion, certainly it is much less involving, but if you want to do it in a more involving way then you must adapt to the idea of the double test. But let’s go on.

During sex you have to talk at least a little, and avoid being always silent, A guy told me that before he met me he had been with another guy who told him that he had a ugly penis, here, I consider a thing of this kind hateful. Don’t you want to be with that guy? Okay, you can go somewhere else, but if you stay there you cannot despise the person you’re with. Among other things, the guy who was offended had a very normal and very reactive penis, when I told him it, he felt very gratified, because he didn’t expect it at all. I think that telling a guy that he has a nice penis is a compliment certainly very welcome, telling him that his penis is ugly is really offensive. There is a psychological attitude that I hate, and it is, after having sex with a guy, to say that you did it only for him but that you didn’t really care. So what have you been doing? A charity action? This is a reasoning of an unacceptable hypocrisy.

Another thing I don’t like at all is the lack of reciprocity, that is, the fact that when you did what you wanted to do, everything is over and goodbye, and your partner at most can masturbate on his own. Such a thing is terrible, I heard it but it never happened to me, I think I would have reacted badly. Another hateful thing is using for a guy a female term of endearment. If you want to be with a girl, go there, there are so many girls, there’s no reason to run after a gay guy. Another hateful question: to tell a guy how another guy has sex, especially if the two guys know each other. There is nothing more odious. Sex is done in two and is not told to others. Here I am talking about sex with Project who doesn’t know who I’m and certainly in telling some things I don’t write the name and surname of the people I’m talking about. Another thing that I cannot stand: attitudes of superiority, doing the part of the master of sex, of the guy who has understood everything and can teach others how to do it. People who take themselves too seriously only show off their stupidity. Another important thing: finished the sex, you don’t have immediately to say goodbye, you can have a coffee, a chocolate, go back to a dimension of ordinary life and then you say goodbye.

The spontaneous opportunities to have a little sex can be many, I think for example to take a shower together, which also has a playful meaning (and it happened to me), I think of laughing together. Project, one thing you said about sexual game impressed me: the game is a way to a less inhibited sexuality, it is true and I have experienced it directly.

And here there is the big chapter of sexual practices to be opened. Some may consider it strange but I love cuddles, and especially sexual cuddles, exchanging caresses even the intimate ones but without any specific sexual purpose, beyond sharing one’s intimacy, even physical, just like an exchange of emotional warmth. I really like the idea of falling asleep in the arms of my partner, I would say that this is one of the nicest things of gay sex, then there is mutual masturbation that I think everyone likes without exception and about oral sex the speech is more less the same, even if here there are problems related to the use of condoms, because here there is a risk and condoms should be used, even though many may consider them a completely unnatural and unpleasant thing, however, with the only guy who agreed to do the double test, we did it without a condom and it was very intimate and I would say very pleasant.

As for anal sex, I immediately say I’ve never done it but not only because it’s the most risky sexual practice, but because I’ve never had sexual fantasies of this kind. I thought I was a bit out of the norm for this, but I changed my mind. Out of the five guys I’ve been with, only one proposed to have anal sex and was disappointed when I told him no. With the others the topic was not even touched in the least, even when we had sex almost every day. Of course, common sense would like a couple to find its balance even in terms of sexual practices avoiding any attempt in this field to impose anything on those who don’t like it.

From everything I have written you can think that now I have no doubts and that I know how to behave on every occasion but it is not so. There is a guy I fell in love with and with whom I have never had the slightest contact I don’t say sexual but not even vaguely physical, I will call him Paul, well, I swear, Project, I have never felt so embarrassed as with him, I also desire him sexually, I would like everything of him, because I think he is a very good guy and I would like to spend all my life with him, if you didn’t understand, I am in love with him, like I have never been in love with anyone else, that’s why I never know what to do. I’ve come to a decision, next time I’ll tell him that I love him and when I hear him on the phone I feel happy, but I will not tell him that I also get a hard-on, because I’m afraid he might be scared, it seems stupid but it could also happen and I wouldn’t want to miss him for anything in the world.

I feel very shy, as if I was 14 years old and I was in my first story, but I’m probably in my most important story. My friends tell me that Paul is not beautiful and there is someone better and I should look around, but I spoke several times with Paul and I thought he was a great person, that one you can trust, the one that talks just a little (maybe I talk too much) but he does what he says. In short, Paul is not the beautiful doll to show to friends but he could be the real life partner. Tomorrow I will see him, Project, and I will make him my first declaration of love, I am very hesitant, but something tells me that everything will be fine. I will let you know.

B. G.

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THOMAS AND KLAUS MANN TWO HOMOSEXUALS

On November 20th, 1968, during a general audience, Pope Paul VI expressed himself so: “One forgets that man in all his spiritual being, that is, in his supreme faculties of knowing and loving, is correlative to God; is made for him; and every conquest of the human spirit increases in him the restlessness, and ignites the desire to go further, to reach the ocean of being and life, the full truth, which alone gives beatitude. Removing God as a term of research, to which man is by nature addressed, means to mortify man himself. The so-called “death of God” turns into death of man. We are not the only ones to affirm such a sad truth. Here is a testimony that has been left by a very cultured avant-garde writer and unhappy type of modern culture (Klaus Mann, son of Thomas). He wrote: “There is no hope. We intellectuals, traitors or victims, we would do well to recognize our situation as absolutely desperate. Why should we make illusions? We are lost! we are won! The voice that pronounced these words – the testimony goes on -, a voice a little veiled, but pure, harmonious and strangely suggestive, was that of a student of philosophy and literature, with whom I met by chance in the ancient university city of Uppsala. What he had to say was interesting, and it was still characteristic: I heard similar statements by intellectuals everywhere in Europe. . . And he said in a voice that was no longer certain: We should abandon ourselves to absolute despair …” Dear sons, for us no, it is not so.”

Who is Klaus Mann, the man Paul VI considers the most unhappy paradigm of modern culture? And what is the meaning of the reference made by Klaus Mann to that student met in the ancient university city of Uppsala? As mentioned by Paul VI himself, Klaus Mann is one of the sons of Thomas Mann, that is the son of one of the men who most influenced European culture in the last hundred years, but it is not about literature that I intend to speak.

The fact that Klaus is son of Thomas has enormous significance, from my point of view, because both the father and the son found themselves having to deal with their homosexuality and in front of it they gave very different answers. In the work of Thomas Mann the atmospheres are very particular and, in general, the gay reader feels immersed in a world that doesn’t seem strange to him at all. The conflict between the “serene” bourgeois world where everything is codified and ordered and the appeal of art that has anyway the charm of the abyss, often emerges. This conflict in “Death in Venice” reveals itself, out of metaphor, as the conflict between heterosexuality and homosexuality.

Thomas Mann, born in 1875 in Lübeck, when he was a high school student, confessed his feelings to a friend who didn’t share them because he simply couldn’t share them. That experience constituted the first falling in love of Thomas Mann. One gets the impression that the image of that high school mate often returns within Mann’s work. But Mann experienced a much more engaging falling in love with Paul Ehrenberg, a young violinist and impressionist painter a year younger than him. Between 1899 and 1903, according to the diaries and letters of Thomas Mann, falling in love became a real infatuation, which led to an intense relationship between the two guys. A painting by Ehrenberg entitled “Die Hetzjagd” (the hunt) hung for some time in the room of Thomas Mann. In those years, from a set of memories of family life written by Thomas for Paul Ehrenberg, who lived in Munich, the drafting of “The Buddenbrooks” began.

Both the character of Hans Hansen of “Tonio Kröger” (1903) and the character of the painter in the novel “The hungry men” (1903) and that of Rudolf ‘Rudi’ Schwerdtfeger, also a violinist and an object of homosexual interest in the “Doctor Faustus” clearly refer to Paul Ehrenberg. In the case of Tonio Kröger the analogies become very strong because in Munich, where he used to meet Ehrenberg, Mann saw by chance for the first time a twenty year old girl who was talking animatedly with the tram ticket collector, he tried to know who she was, he was told that she was Katia Pringsheim, a student of mathematics, physics and chemistry, daughter of the great mathematician Alfred Israel Pringsheim, a university professor very rich and of Jewish family, who lived in a grand palace the most beautiful life that a high bourgeois could dream of. The professor Pringsheim was not an observant Jew, and he let his sons follow Lutheranism but it was not enough to save his family from Nazi persecution. Mann, through friends, managed to get introduced to Pringsheim and “fell in love” (I’ll explain later why I put this word in quotation marks) with Katia but she wished to enjoy her youth and was not willing to marry and nothing followed.

Mann left for Denmark where he wrote the Tonio Kröger, in which Tonio falls deeply in love with both his school friend Hans Hansen and the young girl Ingeborg Holm, both had blue eyes, light hair and a distinctly Nordic appearance. The strength of Tonio Kröger derives from the fact that it is a substantially autobiographical novel in which the true passions of the young Mann are transfused. It should be emphasized that Tonio is identified as “a different one”, in this case for artistic reasons, that is, as someone who cannot enjoy what others enjoy. In Denmark Mann not only wrote the Tonio Kröger but also wrote letters to Katia Pringsheim that convinced the girl to agree to the wedding, celebrated on February 11th, 1905. It was a “happy” wedding, here too I have to put the term happy in quotation marks, six children were born. However, many doubts remain in considering this marriage as the outcome of a love story.

In his essay “On marriage – toast to Katia” Mann argues that marriage and art are both a bourgeois service to life, an ethical pact and a sacrament, because it is precisely through art and marriage that the spirit arrives to dominate on matter, on flesh and blood. It should be noted that shortly before the marriage Mann had lived with Ehrenberg a very strong relationship and it was not a sublimated relationship, such as the one described in Tonio Kröger, but a sexual relationship that decades later Mann himself will consider the fundamental emotional experience of his life with unequivocal words: “I lived and loved, . . . finally, with a new happiness, because I held in my arms someone I was deeply in love with”, but, it must be underlined, these evaluations of the relationship with Ehrenberg have matured in Mann several decades after their relationship.

At the time of their relationship, Mann’s attitude was radically different and was dominated by a kind of self-denial as a homosexual and by the condemnation of “abnormality”. In practice Mann condemned himself to marriage to try to remove from himself the homosexual passion he had lived deeply with Ehrenberg. Thomas’s brother, Heinrich, who also claimed that Thomas’s relationship with Ehrenberg was madness and insisted that his brother get married soon, suspected that the marriage had been accepted by Thomas for reasons of social opportunity, of course it is that the social position of his father-in-law undoubtedly favored Thomas.

Some, given the existences of marriage, have tried to talk about a bisexuality of Thomas Mann but the reality would rather make us think of an escape from homosexuality to a bourgeois paradise much more reassuring. The poor Ehrenberg had no choice but to follow the path of marriage, too, and ended up marrying the painter Lilly Teufel. Mann, after the wedding, wrote “Royal Highness”, the story is set in the Grand Duchy of Grimmburg, a tiny imaginary state, reduced to situations of economic hardship, and the protagonist is the second son of the Grand Duke who is forced to marry a rich heiress to raise the fate of the state. The contrast between “Royal Highness” and “Tonio Kröger” could not be more jarring. Thomas Mann had six children from Katia, the first two were admittedly homosexual, the eldest Erika, born in Munich on November 9th 1905, married on July 25th 1926, not yet twenty-one years old, with Gustaf Gründgens, but in 1929 divorced. Erika, a declared lesbian, had her first relationship in 1932 with Pamela Wedekind, whom she met in Berlin and who was engaged to her brother Klaus, who was also a homosexual.

We known, in successive periods, at least three other important and sexually passionate lesbian relationships of Erika Mann, on whose sexual orientation there was never any doubt. Her father Thomas had a very positive attitude towards women with whom his daughter had a love affair, but he didn’t show the same openness towards his son Klaus. The attitudes of Klaus and his father towards homosexuality were radically antithetical and this didn’t encourage dialogue between them. I don’t elaborate the discourse on Klaus Mann’s homosexuality here, because I will take it analytically again after concluding that on his father.

Even after the marriage Mann didn’t abandon the homosexual topic and in 1912 he published “Death in Venice” which was the basis of the homonymous film by Luchino Visconti of 1971 and of the homonymous 1973 melodrama by Benjamin Britten. Needless to say, both Visconti and Britten were homosexuals. The story is imbued with a tragic spirit. Gustav von Aschenbach, a fifty-year-old man who dedicated his whole life to art, after remaining a widower, went to Venice and in the grand Hotel des Bains in the Lido island, was struck by the beauty of a Polish boy aged more or less 14, Tadzio, sailor suit, stayed in the Hotel with all his family. On the boy Aschenbach builds a thousand arguments apparently related to his conception of art, while he observes the boy trying not to be discovered. But it’s too hot and in Venice cholera breaks out, the authorities minimize but Aschenbach realizes that the danger is real, he should warn the family of that boy but he doesn’t because he doesn’t want to see him leave, in the meantime, from an exchange of looks Aschenbach is led to believe that the boy shares his feelings, the presence of Tadzio becomes obsessive in Aschenbach’s mind who comes to realize that his interest is a sexual interest and that the art plan is just a fictional overlap. Aschenbach weakened and sickly sees Tadzio play with friends and then raise an arm almost to greet him, that will be the last image of Tadzio that will accompany the last breath of the man who had hiddenly loved him. The novel has its undeniable tragic power, but the association between homosexuality and death seems to be a too emphasized theorem.

Mann’s difficulty in accepting his homosexuality was also found in 1925 when Thomas wrote a small essay entitled “On Marriage”. In this little work Mann opposes marriage (obviously heterosexual) to homosexuality as if they were the only two possible options. And his position against homosexuality appears very clear, I would say far too sharp to appear credible. In 1927, when Mann was 52, during a holiday in Silt, he met the then 17-year-old Klaus Heuser and invited him to his villa in Munich. The one for Klaus Heuser was probably the last great passion of Mann, but always very restrained. When Heuser went to see Mann in Zurich in 1935, Mann noted in his diary: “He has not changed at all or just a little: skinny, still a boy at twenty-four, the same eyes. I kept looking at him and saying ‘My God!’ … He expected me to kiss him but I didn’t, but before he left I was able to say a few words of love to him.”

I come now to a critical moment, not only for the life of Thomas Mann and his sons but for the whole of Germany and unfortunately also for the whole of Europe and not only for it. The elections of May 1928 had brought to the Reichstag 12 National Socialist deputies, but already in the 1930 elections the National Socialist party of Hitler had passed to 107 deputies. In the 1932 elections Hitlerian deputies rose to 230 out of 608 seats in total and the National Socialist party became the first party in Germany. Hitler ran for the presidential elections of January 1933. In the elections, Hindenburg, a hero of the First World War, outgoing president, appeared the only candidate able to stop the rise of Hitler and was supported by a coalition that went from the nationalists to the Social Democrats. Hindenburg again won the presidency with 53% of the votes against 37% of Hitler, who was appointed Chancellor on January 30th, leading a coalition of parties (Nazis and German-national popular party), but a few days later, in the elections of March 5th 1933, the climate had radically changed. It was voted in the week when the Reichstag building was burned (February 27th 1933).

Marinus van der Lubbe, a 24-year-old Dutch communist, blamed for the fire, was beheaded for this reason on January 10th 1934. The majority of historians agrees that the fire had been organized for political purposes by Nazi leaders, the evidences in this sense are many and were collected from independent sources. The Reichstag fire became a pretext to banish an anti-Bolshevik crusade against democratic parties. The fact is that Hiltler convinced Hindenburg to issue the so-called “Reichstag decree” on the same day of February 27th 1933, on February 28th the decree became law and most of the rights guaranteed by the Weimar Constitution were suspended for emergency reasons. In this climate, the elections for the renewal of the Reichstag were held on March 5th. The leaders of the Social Democratic Party were forced to flee. Despite an endless series of threats and intimidation, the Nazis didn’t obtain the absolute majority. Hitler was therefore forced to maintain an alliance with the German-national popular party. Hitler aimed not at a coalition majority but at obtaining the so-called “decree of full powers”, i.e. a legislative power independent of the Raichstag, to pass the decree of full powers a majority of 2/3 of the Reischstag was needed. On March 23th the decree was approved with the support of the Catholic Center and with the only Social Democrats voting against, and entered into force on March 27th. Many social democrats were physically prevented from entering Parliament while all the communist deputies, who constituted 17% of Parliament, had been arrested.

Given this historical picture, one wonders what was the position of Thomas Mann and his sons. If one considers that in 1929 Mann was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature it is easy to understand that his position would not have been indifferent to the Nazis. In January 1933 Mann held a public lecture at the University of Munich on the theme “Pain and Greatness of Richard Wagner” in which he effectively denied the links between Nazism and Wagnerian art, the Nazis present in the hall gave signs of nervousness because Mann represented a voice openly out of the chorus, just in the critical moments of Hitler’s assault on power. Mann realized the danger, especially since his wife’s family was of Jewish origin, and he immediately moved to Switzerland and then to the United States, and a group of German anti-Nazi exiles gathered around him.

I limit myself to remembering that from 1940 to the end of the war Thomas Mann recorded a long series of speeches in German that were broadcast by Radio London to be heard in Germany. In these speeches Mann is the first to refer to the extermination of Jews in the gas chambers, the report of crimes perpetrated by the Nazis is documented and there is a very clear attempt to awaken the consciences of the Germans by making them aware of the atrocities that Hitler’s propaganda had systematically hidden. There is no doubt that Mann was one of the very few and tenacious “German” animators of anti-Nazism. Immediately after the surrender of Germany on May 8th 1945, Thomas Mann will read in German on the radio the radio message titled “The lagers” announcing the destruction of the culture and life of Germany and making the Germans understand how the horror of the extermination camps had shamefully destroyed the image of Germany in Europe, Mann argues that this is a sin against the German spirit that cannot be forgiven.

If already in 1945 Europe began to make a difference between German and Nazi, this is due to the few characters who behaved like Thomas Mann. But one thing should be stressed, Thomas Mann did not make choices of convenience but of conscience, and when in 1952, the most ferocious “McCarthyism” spread in the United States, a sort of witch hunt against the Communists or presumed such, wanted by the Republican Senator Mc Carthy assisted by two young men who would have had considerable weight in the history of the USA as Richard Nixon and Robert Kennedy, Thomas Mann became indignant and abandoned the United States as the greatest foreign intellectuals did, for example Charlie Chaplin and his wife Oona O’Neil. Even if the discourse would deserve much further study, let’s leave aside Thomas Mann and take care of his son, whom Paul VI presents as the unhappy paradigm of modern culture.

Klaus Henry Mann, second son of Thomas was born in Munich on November 18th 1906. From the age of 19, in 1925, with the publication of his first novel “The sacred dance”, an autobiographical book of a unique and disarming sincerity in which he portrays the life of the gay Berlin of the 20s, he declared himself homosexual. In the same year “Anja e Ester” also came out, a very delicate love story between two girls. If you think that the pretext for the murderer of Ernst Röhm and the top of the SA by Hitler in 1934 was just homosexuality, it is understood that in 1933, with Hitler’s coming to power, the situation of Klaus became particularly dangerous and Klaus followed without hesitation his father in exile.

He was a sensitive and fragile 26-year-old guy, but he was one of the most tenacious and courageous adversaries of Nazism. His liberalism was guided by great ideals, it was, in essence, a faith that in some respects recalled certain aspects of socialism. Fascinated by the Christian ideal, Klaus had deep friendships in every social and cultural level. He himself tells us with the utmost seriousness of fleeting loves with some sailors from the port of Marseilles. He loved without being returned the surrealist writer René Crevel and later had a history of a few years with an American journalist Thomas Quinn Curtiss. He became a fraternal friend with the lesbian writer Annemarie Schwarzenbach, with André Gide, Nobel Prize for Literature in 1947, and Jean Cocteau, a French academic, author of novels, theater and film director. Both Gide and Cocteau were explicitly homosexual. A work by Klaus Mann is particularly well-known to the general public due to its film reworking, which won the Oscar in 1980, and is “Mephisto or the story of a career”, in which Klaus describes the story of his former brother-in-law, the actor Gustaf Gründgens, who had divorced his sister Erika in 1929, and had sold his soul to the devil in order to make a career in the Nazi regime. Obviously Gründgens didn’t like the publication of the work at all. The adoptive son of Gründgens, in the 1960s, turned to the court and after seven years of legal battles he succeeded in obtaining from the German Supreme Court that the book was not reprinted, but after his death the book was printed again.

In 1934 Klaus published an article titled “Homosexuality and Fascism” for a Prague magazine and composed a fictional biography of Piotr Illich Cajcovskij, also a homosexual. In 1937 he published “Window with bars” on the last days of Ludwig of Bavaria, the homosexual king who hated war and loved art. A film will be drawn from the book by Luchino Visconti, “Ludwig”, in 1972.

Just before the war, in America, Klaus lives poor and alone, tries suicide but then reacts and when the United States enter the war he enlists and enters the military department of the Ritchie Boys, a special group made up of Jews and German refugees, particularly trained in psychological warfare who are very motivated and know perfectly the German mentality. In 1942 the American soldier Klaus Henry Mann was added to the Fifth Army that would fight in Africa and in Italy, before departure Klaus Mann asks to have an interview with a Catholic military chaplain because he intends to convert to Catholicism abandoning Lutheranism, as it is clear from the letters (“Briefe und Antworten” Letters and Answers). It seems that the meeting actually took place but that the chaplain refused the conversion, probably because of Klaus’ homosexuality.

In Italy Klaus is employed as a war reporter following the Fifth Army, he works with Rossellini as a screenwriter of “Paisà”, after the war he goes in person to visit the horrors of the Nazi extermination camps. Intoxicated by drugs, in 1949 he goes to Cennes to detoxify himself. On May 20th, after walking for a long time in the rain, waiting for a certain Luois, he swallows a massive dose of barbiturates and on May 21th he dies at the age of 42. He was accused of everything, even of being a spy of Stalin but he remains a character of the highest nobility of mind for anyone with the ability to understand it, but Paul VI, in calling him the model of the desperate intellectual of the ‘900 that in the death of God had condemned to death the man behaved towards him exactly as the Catholic chaplain who had refused his conversion.

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GAY LOVE AND TRANSGRESSIVE SEX

Hi Project,

I find myself in a difficult situation that I would never have placed between the possible hypotheses. I am 45 years old, I have had only one serious story in my life with the only guy with whom I have also had sex, he is 10 years younger than me, the story was beautiful, because he is an honest person who speaks clearly and with me behaved very well, but despite all this, the story lasted a few years and then ended, without quarrels and recriminations, but ended because he was looking for something else and I think he was right, because I don’t believe me at all the ideal companion. Since then, and it’s been five years, he had several guys but he never managed to have a relationship with a minimum of stability and I saw him gradually fall into situations of increasingly serious discomfort. He was going a little towards depression, and a little towards too easy enthusiasms, he became increasingly addicted to sex, which by now I don’t think it is anymore satisfactory for him, I think instead it has become a kind of obsession that made him waste time with the studies and then with the possibility of finding a real job, but above all convinced him that he was a kind of pathological case and in reality in his worst moments he could give that impression but I think that he is terribly alone. He knows that I no longer have a boyfriend after him and he every so often calls me, especially when he feels worse, I try not to disappoint him as it is possible, but I realize that little by little the dialogue between us has been reduced only to talking about sex. He asks me if I remember when we were making love and I say yes, because I remember it, but then I see that he is not really interested in sex as a way to be with a guy and to be well with that guy, but as a way to evoke transgressive situations lived together, that end up being the dominant memories, and he asks me in particular and insistently if I remember exactly those moments and tries to reconstruct them in a very detailed way, and this speech is often repeated, so much so as to become sometimes the only topic of conversation. He has been going to a psychologist for a few months now, she seems like a good woman, not invasive, he talks to her but probably she does not know him as I do. Project, sometimes I wonder what I can do for him, because I love him. It is obvious that he doesn’t want to get back with me and I think that at the moment he doesn’t want to be with anyone else and that’s what scares me, because I think that loneliness can be a trap without exit. When he calls me, at the most improbable hours of the day and night, I never know how to react, I try to support him, but I realize that the dialogue is limited, nevertheless I think that it is better than nothing and then, honestly, it makes me feel bad to see him so prostrate and addicted, it is as if for him everything revolves around the transgressive sex, which for him is an interest precisely because it is transgressive. A few years ago, when we were no longer together, he told me a lot about himself and I know, as he knows, the reason for all this. Project, look, he’s a guy with a monstrous intelligence, when he’s really shiny, and then he’s extremely outspoken, he never makes any psychological tricks, doesn’t follow strategies, and says what he really thinks. I still feel a strong attraction to him, if it depended only on me, I wouldn’t think twice and I would get back with him, but the fact is that he doesn’t want this, he’s probably looking for a person who shares with him the charm of transgressive sex to feel it as a normal thing one can also speak about without problems and that can be accepted. Project, when I say transgressive sex don’t imagine crazy things, for him the exciting transgression is only one, that of betrayal, of double play, of keeping one foot in two shoes, going to bed with one without saying it to the other, but keep in mind that when he did these things he himself said that, as if this, let’s call it sex with betrayal of trust, should be accepted and somehow approved. Apart from the fact that these things were very rare exceptions, even if in his memory they left a deep trace. I would add that such behavior probably would not have undermined anything, if it were an exception as it actually was. Get back with him, today as today, it is an eventuality absolutely impracticable, even if I think it wouldn’t be a hypothesis so much to discard, because I really love him and he has a dialogue with me that I don’t believe he can have with other persons. So what should I do? If we try to see each other once in a while, for example every two weeks, we will inevitably end up in bed having some sex, but it would be strongly conditioned by the memories of the transgressive sex and at the end he would feel nevertheless uncomfortable (it’s already happened). I gave up on having my plan for the future and my desire is just not to leave him alone, but I don’t know what to do. In his dark moments, when I try to open a more substantial speech with him, he silences me and asks me not to change the subject and we go back to talking about the memories of transgressive sex. His presence in my life has been a constant for many years and it is so much more now because I see him uncomfortable. He doesn’t want me to tell him that I love him and he tells me: “Enough with these sentimental things!” And we return to the usual speeches. Yet not more than a couple of months ago, I had seen him very differently, the relationship with the psychologist was working and he was coming out of the idea almost obsessive to live, or better not to be able to live a love story. In reality, however, it was as if he had simply accepted the idea that he would never have had a romance, but not because no one would fall in love with him, but because he would never really fall in love with anyone. Project, I bring inside myself so much melancholy and I don’t know what to do, I’m still in love and I feel really in disarray. My dreams are not compatible with his, and I am also willing to adapt to his but I don’t know how, and above all I fear to be a remedy worse than the disease. The story ends here. The future is very uncertain and I have no reference points whatsoever. What should I do  Project?

Alex

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HOMOSEXUALITY AND PARAPHILIAS

This post is dedicated to the paraphilias in the homosexual field. As it is well known, the “Dagnostical and Statistical Manual of the Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition” (DSM-5) contains some useful definitions for circumscribing the field, first of all the distinction between paraphilia and paraphilic disorder, and then establishes the criteria for defining a diagnosis for some types of paraphilia. As it is obvious, DSM-5 is a fundamental indication of principle, aimed primarily at psychiatrists and takes into consideration many different situations that psychiatrists can encounter in the daily practice of the profession. The manual also has an indicative value for the knowledge of paraphilic phenomena that do not necessarily lead to paraphilic disorders but which are decidedly more common and are also found outside the areas of intervention typical of psychiatry. As there is a psychopathology of daily life so there is a widespread paraphilia of daily life that in some cases can move towards the borderline with true paraphilic disorders.

Obviously I will try to address the issue based on the experiences gained in Gay Project.

Some fundamental methodological observations must be kept in mind.

1) To get to talk about one’s own paraphilias, it is necessary to have the greatest guarantees of confidentiality, not just because it’s about matters related to sexuality but because certain behaviors can be criminally relevant, as it happens with pedophilia. It happened to me several times to talk with people who had pedophile fantasies, but not exclusive and, what is more important, never put into practice. Fantasies are an individual question, while behaviors are criminally relevant, so it is not surprising that only fantasies emerge.

2) Some paraphilias may involve forms of sexual contact with non-consenting persons (frotteurism) or forms of violence (sadism) or deception (voyeurism) and therefore are difficult to admit because they may involve moral discredit, if they remain at the level of fantasies, or even sanctions if you they produce concrete behaviors.

3) Some paraphilias (coprophilia, pissing, spermatophagia) can be very difficult to admit because they can generate repulsion.

4) It should be emphasized that, precisely for the above, only non-episodic paraphilias emerge in the interviews and often characterized by concomitant serious anxious states more or less connected with the paraphilia itself, so they are true paraphilic disorders.

5) Often more paraphilias manifest themselves together and a very complex picture is outlined closely related to the individual’s personal history.

6) From the talks emerge some constant correlations that seem to indicate causal links more than probable, as for example the fact that “all, without exception,” the people I met who had pedophile fantasies reported having suffered sexual abuse in childhood.

So, I think it is essential to emphasize an aspect of the paraphilias: the person who has paraphilic disorders often experiences the difficulty of relating “sexually” with another person because the presence of the paraphlia and the tendency to put it into practice in a sometimes obsessive manner arouse perplexities in the partner who sooner or later inevitably goes away because he has the impression that sexuality is literally dominated by the paraphilia or even reduced to it.

The feeling of rejection and abandonment almost always accompanies the life of the person who manifests paraphilias. The tendency to project his paraphilias to other subjects is often observed in the subject carrying paraphilias, assuming that others can react to those stimuli with a similar sexual excitement, but this is not realized at all and this is one of the reasons that make particularly difficult a sexual relationship with a person who has paraphilic disorders.

I would like to add to the paraphilias listed in the DSM-5 another paraphilia related to the unconscious involvement of another person in sexual intercourse: it is about having sex while talking about something else on the phone with another person with whom you had sexual relations. In this behavior the central element is the “betrayal” of the trust of the person with whom you talk about something else. It should be emphasized that when the transgressive behavior loses its transgression meaning because somehow it is accepted and justified by the partner and especially by the third person, it quickly loses its sexual meaning.

I have often observed boys with paraphilias who tended not to blame themselves or to try to change things but consider themselves elements socially excluded and almost condemned to live a life without affections, now definitively prey to a sexuality that cannot be shared with others. Often the reaction to the feeling of marginalization does not lead to depression but to forms of rationalization and critical examination of one’s sexuality. In practice, the person acts on two distinct levels, a rational one, in which solitude is accepted as something to live with and a sexual one, characterized by the loss of rational control and total abandonment to emotionality and inevitably to the paraphilia.

The real problem lies in building an affective relationship “compatible with sexuality”, because the person with paraphilic disorder generally has no problems in building a friendly relationship, if that relationship is born and keeps completely devoid of sexual values, the problems arise instead in relationships in which sexuality is explicitly involved. I have been able to observe several times as in such cases, in order to preserve at least the friendship, the person with paraphilic disorders has deliberately and rationally tried to avoid any chance of sexual involvement.

Who is involved in a relationship with a paraphilic guy, at the beginning, may not even realize it or can only perceive a polarization of his partner on the strictly sexual aspects of the relationship, then, with time, and with the development of the relationship, the paraphilic will come to talk about his problem with his partner for whom a period of doubts about the behavior to be held will start, with continuous oscillations between a minimization of the problem and a greater awareness.

As I have already said, some paraphilias do not undermine affective relationships, but they heavily condition their possible sexual developments. The paraphilic needs love, is generally a pleasant person and tends to keep the paraphilia only at the level of fantasies or talking with a reliable partner and often gives a value of transgression to behaviors that have very little transgressive and tends to emphasize some of his transgressive behaviors as if they were habitual even if they occurred only once. Boys who have paraphilias need first of all respect and feel hurt by preconceived reactions and discriminatory behavior. Their need to integrate makes them generally pleasing to their friends and also to their sexual partners with whom they usually have a very honest interview and do not tolerate hypocritical behavior. I have often been able to notice how many paraphilias are connected to childhood experiences and tend reproduce situations of childhood experience, a childhood experience that remains very present in children’s memories and which they consider to be the basis of paraphilias.

The re-elaboration of childhood experience and its rationalization are indispensable conditions for getting out of the dependence on the paraphilias. Generally I am rather reluctant to the idea of an easy recourse to the intervention of a psychologist, but in front of the paraphilias the presence of a psychologist cannot be replaced by that of a friend or worse of the partner, because a friend or the partner can to be involved very deeply on an affective level and not only, and they are certainly not the most suitable people to help their friend in the recovery of rationality and above all in the elaboration of childhood experience.

The difficulty of the paraphilic to create a shared emotional-sexual relationship is due to the obsessive mechanism of the paraphilia, not to the paraphilia itself. If the paraphilia does not present itself obsessively, it would be only a temporary variant of sexual behavior that probably would not generate problems within the couple, but the paraphilias always present with an obsessive mechanism, are a kind of fixed idea that the person must realize on the basis of a real addiction relationship, there can be periods of abstinence more or less long, relatively free from the paraphilia, which then however ends up reappearing and makes the rational mechanism of abstinence collapse.

Often periods of abstinence are interrupted when the attempt to build a sexual relationship detached from the paraphilia meets unexpected difficulties, that is when the person experiences for the umpteenth time the mechanism of rejection. The return to the paraphilia through a sexual contact with a partner who accepts it, even if only episodically, provokes a feeling of security and control over that partner and is therefore at least relatively reassuring. But these are experiences that do not involve a real sharing of sexuality and that also leave a strong feeling of precariousness and non-genuine correspondence at the level of the couple.

I have seen people subject to paraphilias who more than once, after a series of failures in the creation of emotional-sexual relationships, have ended up putting aside the idea of having a partner with whom to build a relationship and have operated a kind of splitting between affectivity and sexuality, reserving the affectivity to friends with whom they maintain a stable relationship without sexual implications and experiencing sexuality, with some occasional partners, usually always the same, with which however any implication of affection is excluded a priori.

When I speak of occasional partners I do not intend to refer to unknown people found on the internet through dating sites or with particular applications, but almost always to ex-boyfriends, and this because while ex-boyfriends are more or less aware of the existence of the paraphilia and somehow accept it, strangers completely unaware would almost certainly be negatively affected and would not comply, thus accentuating the sensation of impossibility and rejection.

Guys affected by paraphilias are not the only victims of paraphilia, because even the guys who try to build emotional-sexual relations with them live complex and contradictory experiences and they often go into crisis because seeing that things do not go, they try to understand who is responsible for it, and in this way or they blame the person affected by paraphilias who seems strange to them, complicated and in some way pathological, or they blame themselves, because they were not able to bear everything in the presumption that loving a person means accepting that person by sharing everything, and even the pathologies.

The most wrong attitude towards a person with paraphilias consists in considering the paraphilias a kind of game made to experiment. This attitude manifests a radical misunderstanding of the seriousness of the problem and causes those who experience it to live a profound suffering, while they deserve the utmost respect. I add an obvious observation, but particularly important in these cases: people who come to talk about their own paraphilias have the right to maximum confidentiality and any violation of this confidentiality is a real wound to those who, seriously speaking about problems that are not at all easy to talk, are actually asking for help.

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A GAY COUPLE WITH A SPECIAL FRIEND

Hi Project,

I wanted to tell you shortly my most recent story, which began quietly but that is becoming the backbone of my life.

I’m 41 years old, so I am no longer a boy for a long time, I have had my stories, especially between 20 and 30 years old, then under the sexual profile I entered a kind of limbo, I dedicated myself mainly to work and in practice I put my emotional-sexual life on standby. I met my friends, I spent the evenings with them and I was fine with them but I had put aside the idea of finding a guy. My work, which I like a lot, involved me and occupied almost all my time, I dedicated the time left to friends.

This condition, let’s say this suspension of emotional life has been going on for several years, I would say almost up to 38, then I met Steven, a guy who was then 25 years old, I was 39. With Steven something new and unexpected started, which at the beginning I struggled a lot to define. It was not the classic love story, even if he is really a handsome guy. He has his emotional and sexual life, he has a steady boyfriend and wouldn’t certainly leave him for me. On the other hand I have never considered him as a possible boyfriend and for the truth I have had very few sexual fantasies about him, fantasies happened especially in the earliest times, when I tended to frame the relationship as a classic couple relationship, then, as I realized that things were not like that, sexual fantasies also disappeared.

Steven calls me more or less once a week, I send him a very intense text message on holidays or in response to text messages sent by him. We don’t speak often but between us has created a special relationship that I cannot define, we are fine together, there are very intense moments but he is with his boyfriend and from what I see for him his boyfriend is really essential, he speaks often of him and not superficially, he speaks with respect, with esteem, it is clear that they love each other and that there is a serious communication between them, but his boyfriend is 21 and I’m 20 years older and this certainly makes the difference, at least that’s what I think.

I think that Steven tends not to load too much his boyfriend talking about his problems, somehow he feels he has a protective function with respect to his boyfriend, he tends to reassure him. He spoke to me about his boyfriend and insisted that we had to meet all three of us, which happened. They exchanged tenderness in front of me and not only it didn’t disturb me in the least, but it seemed very beautiful.

Now his boyfriend, from time to time, calls me, above all to know if Steven is in my house, I think he has realized that he has nothing to fear, and on the other hand to undermine a love story of a guy 21 years old, who by the way is Steven’s happiness, it would really be a squalid thing.

But let’s get back to Steven. Now I take his presence for granted, I think it will be a constant in my life and already now he’s a fundamental reference point. I asked myself a thousand times and I keep asking myself every now if my presence can in any way damage Steven or the relationship with his boyfriend, because I could also be a disruptive element, but I see that neither Steven nor his boyfriend see me as a danger, the relationship between us is absolutely calm, I don’t think at all that Steven’s boyfriend recites with me pretending sympathy to please Steven, I see him quite serene and at ease. On the other hand, I try to invade their field as little as possible.

Some time ago I was not well and I clearly perceived the presence of both Steven and his boyfriend. They came to see me several times, they called me several times. Believe me, Project, sometimes I don’t know what to do and I try to put myself aside, to leave them the maximum freedom, even, sometimes, not letting them find me at home or on the phone.

Sometimes I would like to get out of this kind of relationship that in some ways seems strange to me but then I don’t do it because I realize that they don’t allow me to get away, that in some way they don’t want to lose me. I feel almost loaded with a responsibility and not only towards Steven. I cannot deny that this is also deeply gratifying for me, because my emotional life now turns completely around these two guys and I finally feel alive.

I’m struck by the fact that all this doesn’t have sexual implications for me and that to the maximum I expect the continuation of things as they are now, what I consider really important. I don’t know if I would prefer a normal couple relationship including sex, after all, that is only a hypothesis, while the presence of Steven and his boyfriend is a reality and implies a very strong and mutual emotional involvement.

Steven considers me “only” a friend but telling “only” he only wants to specify that he has already made his choice of a partner that will remain, but there are other levels of implication in which a “simple” friendship can have a huge weight in determining the inner balance of an individual. I confess to you, Project, that I’m worried about doing damage that could occur after many years. I well know that everything that goes somehow out of the scheme presents risks, I just wish that all this did not transform over time from a beautiful relationship in a reason of misunderstanding and resentment. At the moment there is nothing like that and just to exorcise this eventuality I’m trying to gradually get myself out of the way.

What do you think, Project? Obviously, if you want, you can publish my mail.

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GAY LOVE IF THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER

Oh! Well…. I know you’re disappointed and I’m sorry … but what can I tell you? So, open-hearted I tell you that I expected it … but sorry, ok, not with me, ok, you have a thousand reasons, you didn’t say brutally what is the reason, but I know it very well … not with me because “there is something better.”

After our story is over how many other guys did you meet? Six, seven, I don’t know, I lost the bill. Every time you left one of them the speech was always that: “there is something better …” I think that due to this reasoning you will make such a collection of frustrations that you will eventually have to recognize that you have thrown away some golden occasions. I’m not saying with me, maybe it would not have worked, but with some of those guys you could have built a serious story.

Fabio was really in love with you and he was a wonderful guy, if he fell in love with me I would have felt the richest man in the world, but he was in love with you and you didn’t want him because you said there was something better and you made him feel bad like a dog and then he came to me to lick his wounds.

And not only that, you fooled him, you made him believe you would spend your life with him. I still remember that time, we went out together, you cuddled him so tenderly, you kissed him so tenderly, you were hugged with him all evening and I said to myself: “Poor Fabio! He believes it … ” and punctually, after a month, the crush for Fabio was over and you started again to search for other guys and you didn’t even tell him … I, maybe I’m stupid … but I cannot understand.

It’s like you were taken by a kind of irrepressible craving, for you sex is a drug, you use it just like drugs, you’re addicted. You court a guy like just a lover would do, then he surrenders to you and then you say he has no character, cannot assert himself, you pull out reasons of all sorts … you even go so far as to say he’s not good at making love and then at the end of the speech comes the usual phrase: “there is something better!” … and the game starts again … you make victims and destroy the lives of these guys, who will never forgive themselves for listening to you, you don’t even notice it because you think only of yourself … you don’t even know the damage you do … but eventually the years pass and you throw them away like that.

You are not looking for love you are looking for the “perfect guy” you are looking for things that don’t exist and throw away the real guys that I don’t say are better than you but are definitely at your level … You once did a crazy speech that irritated me a lot: you said you wanted the hands of one, the eyes of another, the smile of a third and the way of making sex of another. But who put these stupid things in your head? But do you realize that you are almost 30 years old and you know absolutely nothing about what love is? You have made a collection of guys, you know, just like the English lords who hang in the hall the hunting trophies, you still see things like that … you still, at 30, go looking for the perfect guy!

You could say to me: “why are you telling me such things?” … well … we’re friends isn’t it? In fact I think I’m one of the few friends that you still have, the others have abandoned you … you are convinced that you have given them up but in reality they are the ones who gave you up… in a minor tone, but you have applied the story of “there is something better” also to friends … you’ve tried to apply it even to me … and it’s me that I didn’t want to give up you despite everything. I kept telling you what I really think, that you are going to a total dissipation of yourself, you’re throwing yourself away in a lot of stupid things, and going at thirty still in search of fantasies …

I think you’re still conditioned by the myth … right by the myth of the ideal guy … at 30 you would like a sweet, good guy, affectionate, totally without experience because you think you can educate him, but you don’t even say to educate, you say to wean … You? And what could you teach a clean guy? Could you teach him how to pretend to be in love … or how desperate you feel when you pretend to continue playing but you realize the castle is collapsing on you? I don’t know what you can foresee for your future because you in effect always seek this blessed ideal guy.

And then if even this ideal guy existed, do you think he would fall in love with you? So you’re the ideal guy! … Of course, it’s obvious … look in the mirror … in fact you’re a handsome guy but not so young, you carry with you a lot of manias and frenzies that a psychoanalyst could work a life about, when you start with your bla bla you don’t stop anymore … you always say the same things, do you think you are charming? But you are not and you don’t even realize it.

Did you leave Matthew? You are convinced, but it is not so and you know how things really are? Matthew left you … it‘s he who has left you and you know why … it’s he who told me: he left you “because there is something better …”. You don’t believe it? How is it possible that there is something better than you? … Yet Matthew was perfectly convinced … and do you know who taught him this philosophy? You taught it to him! Matthew would not have done a reasoning like this before … I knew him well before, he, before, was looking for a real guy … but after he met you he started to look for the ideal guy too.

Now I told you what I had to tell you … wake up until you’re in time … don’t run after butterflies. If one at 30 has not yet understood what it means to love he must try to understand it quickly because Matthew who has left you because “there is something better …” is likely not to be an exception but the first of a long series of guys that will abandon you and then you’ll understand … but then it will not make any sense. I tell you these things because I think they are true … don’t worry, I’m not trying to get together with you again … I know that “there is something better! “… but at least as a friend you can still go well.

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GAY GUYS AND SEXUAL MALEDUCATION

Yes, you can record it, all right, but before starting with the story let me explain a little what it is, otherwise it may seem strange and I can make a fool of myself and I don’t like it.

If I had to define it I would call it the story of my awakening … now don’t tell me that I am doing it long but I have to start from the beginning, otherwise they don’t understand anything.

I am 30 years old and there is something that has always conditioned me very heavily and made me lose, in my opinion, the most beautiful emotions that a guy can experience … I know that you have not yet understood a damn thing, but I’m approaching.

In short, my sex education was 100% on porn movies, on porn sites (even for a fee and I threw there a lot of money!) Let’s say that I have done these things since I was 15/16 years old. One moment! It is not the thing in itself that I don’t like, after all so many people do it … but for me, in a sense … the reality was exactly that. I mean I had never seen a true gay guy, but not only at 15/16 but not even at 20, I didn’t even enter the chat rooms, the temptation was very strong but I never went there.

In the last years I had filled whole hard discs of porn movies, I had learned them by heart. You can say: But why do you come to tell us such things? … they’re your problems … One moment! … If you have gay friends you cannot understand my story, because you can have a direct feedback, that is you know what is a gay guy … but I didn’t know it and slowly, from all that seeing gay movies I made up my mind that a gay guy was more or less a porn actor and masturbating everyday thinking of it I convinced myself that gay life was that and when I was thinking of a guy, that is, I was doing my erotic fantasies, I imagined it just like in a movie … That’s what I meant … those models had become models of my erotic fantasy … Take me for crazy or for the idiot of the village but for me it was just like that and I actually met the first gay guy in the flesh at 23 … well I knew he was gay and he didn’t know about me and I had the idea to try it as in a scene I had seen in a porn movie.

I’m a pretty good guy, everyone says it to me, that is, girls run after me even now, so you can imagine … well. It was summer, he was part of my group, we were in a bathing suit and the two of us in a place a bit secluded, he was sunbathing with his eyes closed … in short, I was badly tempted to try just like in the porn and I thought that things would go just like in the movie … then I didn’t have the courage and just approached slowly and I tried to kiss him … He turned against me with a string of bad words that you can’t even imagine, so I told him: “I know you’re gay and I’m gay too.” He replied with a very loud “Go fuck yourself!” I didn’t get scared and tried to put him on the wall by force, a bit as in the film, but he gave me a kick in the balls that if I think back of it, I could also have lost them. I went away and told him … “But you’re not gay … gays don’t do that!” … and I had to run away, but there were somethings I could not understand. A gay like that is better to lose him than to find. Then, over time, I acted less like a fool … but not so much, I actually kept thinking that maybe the first approach had to be a bit on the vague, but I thought that once the guy had agreed to come to bed with me, which by the way I took for granted while it was not at all like that, at least in bed it would have been all like in porn movies.

With two guys the approach succeeded. The first, in my opinion, would have well agreed it … in short, he comes to my house, I had prepared everything, from the dinner in the room to the bedroom, he eats a little, doesn’t want to drink, sits in an armchair to watch television, I take him by one arm and say: “Come on … go …” he looks at me and says, “Where?” I tell him: “Come on, come to bed …” He looks at me with a surprised face and says: “What?” I showed him the muscles but he looked at me laughing and saying: “What the hell do you want?” I ask the critical question: “Active or Passive?” He looks at me and says, “Have you ever been with a guy?” I say to him: “No!” and he says to me: “I see!” I did nothing of what I wanted to do but he told me a few things about his experiences … and he was a guy who had a lot of experience. It seemed strange to me, then I told him “Boh! … Now I have the ideas much more confused than before.”

With the other guy we started at least a little sex because I had learned something of the lesson, but he looked at me in amazement. I said. “Oh well, let’s go to the concrete! …” and I told him what I wanted to do and he immediately told me: “No!” I say to him: “Why? You are gay and you say no? … My beautiful! But we are already in bed together and if I want I break you (and he was also a thin slender)”. In short, I threatened him to make him do what I wanted. He got up, got dressed and left me like that, like a total imbecile! …

Laughing and joking, I went on a little more with such stories and then I thought I would try paid sex. There were no stories there but they raised the price and I didn’t like it at all, they were not even looking at me … And so I came to 27 years … then I met Max, he was four years younger than me … I tried with him the usual technique but he told me: “Come on! Try not to arouse compassion! So you’re ridiculous! I see that you’re alone … ” So my detox began … now he’s helping me to grow, he pampers me a bit and I’m good, and it’s a beautiful thing, beautiful, mutual tenderness, mutual listening … are very beautiful things now I understand it but to detoxify I took more than ten years. If you want to know how the other gay guys really are, don’t watch porn movies, those things have nothing to do with it and I only understood it at the age of 30! That’s all … Come on, if you want you can turn it off.

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