GAYS AND SEXUAL EDUCATION

This post will try to summarize the effects of sexual education on gay sexuality.

First of all it is necessary to define the concept of sexual education. We start from a premise: the development of studies indicates that sexuality has a genetic-epigenetic base which is substantially defined already in the uterus and at most in the perinatal period. This genetic-epigenetic imprint determines not only the sex, that is, gender belonging in anatomical and physiological terms, but also the gender identity, that is, the perception of gender and sexual orientation.

The awareness of sexuality, its models, the more or less repressed manifestations of sexuality over the years, and the consequences on an individual psychological level, are instead largely determined by that familiar and social interaction, which we can call “sexual education” and which is not limited to just a single part of life, but follows the evolution of the individual according to the progressing of age.

The fact that sexuality, understood in its most profound aspects, is closely connected with the affectivity induces to consider sex education as an integral part of affective education.

A concept, in the educational field, should never be forgotten: education acts on the basis of an individual biological genetic-epigenetic substratum but is also linked to the stages of development, to possible pathologies and many other factors. Education means to develop the potential of an individual “respecting first of all the biological identity”. A good gardener knows that by placing an apple tree in the ideal conditions for the cultivation of an apricot tree, not only we will not be able to obtain apricots from the apple tree, but it will suffer a lot and may even die. Cultivating a tree means understanding first of all what tree it is and then providing it with the appropriate care for that specific tree. This is also true for people.

Let’s start from the family dimension, i.e. from emotional-sexual education inside the family.

The family is the first environment in which a child begins to build relationships. In order to begin to feel an affective gratification, the child must perceive the sense of acceptance and affectionate care from the parents. If the child is the subject of confrontation (unwanted children, doubtful parenthood, a child that has become an object of contention between parents and grandparents or between the parents themselves), he easily becomes aware that he’s not the center of family life and begins to experience the sensation of marginality and abandonment yet in tender age.

Perceiving the disagreement between the parents is inherently traumatic and transmits automatically, by imitation, a model of behavior that is not emotional but competitive, stimulates aggressiveness in one direction and sense of frustration in the other. The child also instinctively senses the discrepancy between words and behavior. Cuddling a child for a while and then leaving him alone in the walker or in front of the television not only causes a sense of abandonment but also provides an initial model of falsehood: “I love you so much, but you must keep calm and stay aside because I have other things to do!” The speech is basically inconsistent and false because it brings together declarations of affection and behaviors that show disinterest.

Often the frustrations of parents, their claiming attitudes, their blaming of this or that, their justifying only themselves, transmit to the child the feeling of unreliability of the parent who begins to be a faltering reference point. Nothing is worse than raising your voice to impose your point of view, and I don’t even want to talk about the possible physical violence in the family, which is experienced by the child in a devastating way: a father who tugs at his mother, who slaps her, a mother who plays hysterical scenes and screams at her husband, represent models that the child will certainly internalize, or by imitation or contrast, identifying, according to the situations, as an aggressive person or as a victim, and this will move the child away from the emotional contact, which is the true purpose of emotional education.

There are several other behaviors, apparently neutral, which transmit a sense of insecurity to the child:

1) A parent who speaks in the singular setting himself against the other (“I … while your mother …”) . The use of “we/us” conveys the idea of affective family, harmony and solidarity.

2) To talk too often about money or about who brings home money, or about social hierarchies that don’t see parents at the same level.

3) To speak badly about other people the child knows.

4) To show that it is difficult or impossible to speak with the other parent, that he/she has defects, that doesn’t care for the family and, worse of the worst, doesn’t care for children.

The presence of parents in the life of young children, up to preadolescence, should be constant, affectionate, dialoguing and never abstractly normative.

A particular consideration must be given to managing family conflicts that may arise, and indeed inevitably arise in the family over the years. It can be the conflicts of the parents with other relatives, of between parents themselves and also of the conflicts between parents and children. The management of conflicts must always be discursive and shared, no form of violence, even verbal, can be admitted for no reason. Recognizing the other’s reasons and seeking conciliation doesn’t indicate weakness but the exact opposite. The child must realize that the parent can see things in another way and you can talk to find a point of equilibrium without coming to breakage.

Affective education suffers a violent trauma when the parent-child relationship is dominated by the fear of the parent’s violent reactions. Even worse is the idea that a parent invokes the presence of the other parent to induce fear in the children, such in the classic: “I’ll tell your father!”
As one grows, one element takes on particular importance: confidence, which must be accompanied by confidentiality on the part of the parent. If a parent receives a confidence by the child, he must keep it for himself, if he doesn’t, he would induce the child to immediately interrupt the relationship of confidence with the parent that will anymore be resumed. Any attitude that shows the tendency of the parent to abandon himself to gossip, devalues him in the eyes of his son and reduces the possibilities for dialogue.

A general criterion must always be kept in mind: education operates through the example, not through words: children tend to assimilate and imitate parents’ behavior, not to put into practice what parents say in words but don’t do themselves.

What has been said so far, as it is easy to understand, requires from parents a substantial affective maturity that too often is taken for granted, assuming that the parent is always substantially up to the task of education and that at most he needs a training aimed at the conscious rethinking of contents and methods of education. Sometimes however, and not very rarely, these assumptions don’t occur, in some cases because parents themselves have been in turn educated (assuming that this word can be used in these situations) with completely improper and substantially non-educational methods, and in other cases because one or both parents can be psychopathological subjects (for example paranoid or perverse narcissists). While in the first case it is possible with regard to the parent a concrete action (even if of long duration and with uncertain outcome) of reorientation or re-education of the adult, in the second case such action is essentially impossible and the parent-child educational relationship can turn into a framework of family violence and abuse, up to the most extreme consequences. It should be emphasized that violence and family abuse practiced by paranoid or perverse narcissists parents are often not visible on the outside and create very deep suffering in the children with unforeseeable consequences even in the long term.

Sex education of the child

Today, children are bombarded starting from an early age with images more or less erotic and very often begin to take an interest in sexuality in a very abstract way well before adolescence, so they assimilate, in a very tender age, banal visions of the sexuality as a “forbidden game”. Pedagogues have often been concerned with how to convey to children a more correct concept of sexuality: typical is the model of the flower, the pollination and the fruit, but in this way there is the risk, for gays far from being indifferent, to provide only the concept of sexuality aimed at reproduction, this will also convey the concept of sexual role, of the boy and girl as society conceives them, and of typically male and typically female behavior, taking for natural and obvious cultural attitudes often very questionable.

Accustom a little girl to the idea that femininity involves high heels and makeup means distort the concept from the beginning, like to think that the boy should be interested necessarily in football and in certain types of games is in itself misleading. It is very easy to see that in a school class of children who are not yet pre-adolescent, boys tend to play “boyish” games with each other, and girls tend to play “girlish” games with each other and this is the result of an education for sexual roles, how society understands them, starting from an early age.

The child before puberty sometimes shows an embryonal hetero affectivity, which involves interest in being with little girls, talking with them, playing with them, or an embryonal gay affectivity, which involves interest in being with other boys, talking to them and playing with them. These behaviors are the first manifestations of sexual orientation, they are not yet conscious, but they are elements on which we should reflect a lot and to which we should pay the utmost attention, but, I must say very clearly, never a repressive attention. I would like to point out that the transmission of role models deforms and often stifles these spontaneous tendencies altogether and tends to let the tendency towards homologation prevail, based on the fear of marginality within the peer group.

In the memory of many gays, the recollection of the first affectionate friendships with other boys and often the worried attitudes of the parents in front of such manifestations remains well imprinted. We are talking about friendships between children, not yet pre-adolescent who, if not totally conditioned by education, begin to show signs of homo-affinity or hetero-affectivity.

Parents, who often lack a broader horizon on sexuality, consider themselves as the only possible model for the sexuality of their children. The idea that children are not and cannot be a photocopy of parents is still struggling to get accepted. It is precisely for this reason that some children’s behaviors alarm parents and trigger a short communication circuit that ends up disrupting trust and establishing suspicious attitudes.
The child who plays with dolls or puts on his mother’s high heels or wig or dresses up as a woman generally raises questions in the parents, and this happens even more strongly if two children develop a very close friendship. Apart from the fact that these are completely different phenomena, because the first refers to gender identity and the second to sexual orientation, it is very probable that the child experiences in these situations the concern of the parent that manifests itself through limitations, prohibitions or simple removals.

The basic criterion of a good sex education is to promote the spontaneous development of affectivity and sexuality, avoiding a repressive sanctioning behaviors. The parent facing behaviors that are not what he would have expected believes that it is his duty to “correct”, to “guide” the child’s behavior, to “defend” him from dangerous influences, this attitude, which is perfectly understandable, is acceptable , positive and necessary, if “to correct ” means to demonstrate by example how one can have affection and respect for friends, without demanding too much and without running away from one’s duties towards those friends, if “to drive ” means to explain, to make the child understand the meaning of affective relationships even in adult life, for example by receiving friends cordially and affectionately, if “defending” from dangerous influences means to accustom children not to trivialize, not to exploit friendship, to take it seriously and to respond adequately when the need arises, but “to correct” means for many parents only to repress, “to drive” means to remove freedom and “to defend” means to segregate.

I would like to stress that the signs of homo-affectivity are generally very precocious and repressing them means inducing the guilt and submission of the child who begins to consider himself wrong. The repression of infantile homo-affectivity sometimes manifests itself explicitly, and sometimes through a systematic attempt to remove the child from contexts in which that homo-affectivity tends to manifest: if the child has developed a strong friendship towards another child or even towards a boy a little older during the summer holidays at the sea, the next year instead of going to the sea the family will go to the mountains.

A very delicate subject in this area is the prevention of sexual violence and abuse. Clearly, the child’s segregation reaches the goal but at the cost of a total repression of the individual freedom. The real problem lies in avoiding the risks (which are not only fancy) leaving the child a freedom commensurate with his age. Leaving a child (under 12-13 years ) alone for the whole day together with his playmates exposes him to objective dangers, which he may not realize. But if sexual abuses perpetrated by external pedophile subjects are generally the most feared, experience teaches that abuses are practiced only exceptionally by strangers and for the most part they rise from a family environment. Parking children by relatives or friends from morning to night means abandoning them to situations that can be objectively risky.

Before 12-13 years it is good that the child finds its spaces for the most part with the presence of the parents: the parents speak in the living room, the children play in the next room. Parents in this way give their children an example of socializing and leave them freedom spaces according to their age.

Beyond the age of 12-13, the risk of abuse doesn’t cease because abuse can also be committed toward adolescents or preadolescents both by family members and by educators, priests or teachers, especially in contexts where the minor cohabits with other peers for education or care purposes. Particular attention should be dedicated to the education of responsible use of the web for the risks of priming to which minors are exposed on the net. It is important to be vigilant in order to catch any signs of disturbance, alarm or exaltation in children, talk to them about it, if it is possible, and contact the postal department or the local Police Office to receive assistance when faced with dangerous situations. Obviously, the best prevention of priming risks on the net is realized right through risk awareness, the habit of always thinking before acting, and the habit of protecting one’s own privacy and that of others, and on these aspects education has a decisive influence.

When a child manifests the first forms of curiosity in relation to sexuality, it should be taken seriously, avoiding trivializing and manifesting evasive attitudes. It is essential that sexuality is never detached from its affective implications and is not reduced exclusively to procreative purposes. The child must become familiar with the idea of a sexuality that is not a forbidden game but a manifestation of affection for another person. Many parents never show explicit emotional behaviors in front of their children, for example, the father and mother don’t hug each other in front of children and avoid any physical act with each other, even the simple caresses, others instead let themselves go to forms of more or less sexual play in front of their children who in this way feel themselves excluded from the relationship with their parents. Of course

It’s necessary to find a balance between these opposing attitudes: the spontaneous caresses and affections between parents, the cuddles, which end up with the involvement of the children in the affection of the parents themselves are extremely positive in stabilizing the mood and in developing a harmonious character in the children. The double bed must become a non-exclusive environment, reserved for the parents only, but must be an environment in which children can also be admitted. The physical contact with parents, commensurate with the age of children, must lead to the idea of the affectionate embrace between adults, which expresses participation and sympathy.

Let’s come now to one of the key points of the speech: how to deal with the issue of homosexuality. The parent who is explicitly dealing such an argument with the child for the first time, must never forget that if one takes for granted that one’s son is hetero, in 8 cases out of 100 he is mistaken. Sending positive messages about homosexuality certainly doesn’t induce heterosexuals to become homosexuals, but can help homosexuals to grow accepting without complexes their homosexuality. Many parents believe that the specifically sexual education of children is not up to parents and should be delegated to school, church, doctors and other educational agencies, as if sexuality were an object of study or a question of faith or health protection. Obviously all these aspects are not foreign to sexuality, which, however, is a very complex reality that cannot be considered only under sectoral perspectives.

Sexuality is a component of the ordinary life of all of us and one of the essential contents of a serious educational relationship. I have been dealing with homosexuals for many years and I have often seen gay adult men, still deeply conditioned by the conflicting relationships with parents due to homosexuality. The vast majority of homosexuals not publicly declared, speak about their own homosexuality just with a few trustworthy friends, while those who talk about it openly in the family are very rare, perhaps today less than ten years ago, but it is still a narrow minority. For a gay boy, talking to his parents and finding their respect and their affection even in an atmosphere of clarity is absolutely essential and stabilizing. On the other hand, misunderstanding and rejection leave deep traces and greatly complicate the achievement of true autonomy on the part of the children.

I add a fundamental thing: a gay boy who feels accepted within the family will not need to go and look for other environments in which to find understanding and tends to develop his affective life without hiding and for this reason objectively also running much less risks. When a gay guy presents his boyfriend to his parents (what was once unthinkable and now becomes more and more possible) he realizes at 100% the dimension of the normality of his affectivity-sexuality. Surprised, reticent, perplexed or hostile attitudes of parents severely undermine their children’s self-esteem and create often irreparable fractures.

I would like to touch on a very delicate last subject. Sometimes the boys who grow up, whether they are heterosexual or gay, find themselves instinctively experiencing drives that alarm them, classics are examples of sexual fantasies about much older people, pedophile fantasies, sadistic or masochistic fantasies and erotic drives addressed within their own family. It is objectively very difficult that topics of this kind enter explicitly in speeches between parents and children regarding sexuality, because if the fear of negative reactions to homosexuality is already strong, the fear of negative reactions to those contents can be much more alarming. The issue of pedophilia can be responsibly tackled by highlighting the very serious objective damage that those behaviors can cause but stressing nevertheless the fact that those tendencies can exist even in very good people who would never put them into practice. If there is an attitude that a parent must show in front of such things, it can only be to clearly distinguish the fantasies that one cannot control, from the actions that can and must be taken under control. A similar argument can be used also regarding sadistic and incestuous fantasies.

With regard to intergenerational relationships it is necessary to avoid confusing them with larval forms of pedophilia, because intergenerational relationships are relationships between consenting adults even if of very different ages.

A correct attitude in the face of all these things helps people feel understood and accepted and enhances their morality and their capacity for discernment and this is the basic premise to accept themselves and to be able to self-control. It should be emphasized, however, that pedophile fantasies, of which people almost never speak in a scientifically correct way, are a reality very complex and difficult to manage. In many cases these fantasies are found in adults who have in turn been victims of violence or sexual abuse. It should be clarified that, although fantasies and actions are distinct things, it happens that fantasies are or may be prodromal to actual or possible behaviors, which, even if only considered merely as hypotheses, can cause levels of profound suffering.

Slipping from fantasies to pedophile behaviors can sometimes become easy and almost obvious. The sex tourism, for example, can lead the adult to look for more and more young partners of one or the other sex, producing a slow but effective slip towards pedophilia. The use of Internet child pornography should be considered as a sign strongly indicative of a dangerous corroboration of fantasies, prodromal to possible pedophile behaviors. According to what I learn from people who experience pedophile fantasies I’m led to believe that slipping into occasional pedophile behaviors, which can be the origin of recurring pedophile phantasies, also of obsessive types, is certainly possible even for people who have never had previously this kind of fantasies.

A person who experienced this kind of fantasies told me: “I had never had such fantasies before, then it happened to me an experience in which it would have been easy to come to the action, but it didn’t happen, but taking a step without return would have been very easy. And since then, such fantasies remained strongly stamped in my mind. I don’t like them, that somehow compromised my sexuality for years because I think that I wouldn’t even talk about such things with my partner, because he would react badly.”

I will not analyze here the possible compulsive aspects of pedophilia but because many men who have pedophilic fantasies are aware of it and are afraid of being able to practice pedophile behavior, in some countries (in Germany, in England and in the US) there are support services who deal with prevention by providing specialized psychological support to those who request it because they experience pedophile tendencies.

At the general educational level there is still an ancestral fear towards psychologists and psychiatrists that should be eliminated, leading people to understand that they are health workers who can provide psychological and even pharmacological support if necessary. Prevention education, which deserves a detailed examination, is not only carried out in providing information on sexually transmitted diseases, but also in the prevention of other risky behaviors for oneself and for others such as pedophile ones.

Certainly less sensitive are the themes related to the couple’s relationship structure: monogamy, indissolubility, socialization and formalization of the couple’s relationship, relationship between friendship and love. Insisting on the legitimacy of a single behavioral model collides with the reality of affective life which is often not monogamous, not unbreakable neither reducible to structure. The meaning of the couple relationship is usually assimilated by imitation already in childhood and, according to the general rule, is transmitted through the behavior of adults and not through their speeches. The relational aspect of sexuality should never be overlooked, according to this relational aspect the fundamental satisfaction in a sexual relationship derives from the realization that our partner is really involved and is in turn gratified by the relationship. Needless to say, these must be relationships that are actually wanted consciously and freely by both partners.

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GAY GUYS AND VIOLENCE IN WHITE GLOVES

Hi Project,
I am writing this email because I need a quick and concrete advice. I’m 22, I’ve always been interested in guys older than me, but not too much, I mean 30-35 years old. I state that in practice until a short time ago I lived dreaming and following fantasy. In practice for only a few months now I started looking for a partner with the classic app that everyone knows and you don’t like at all.

One evening a guy 32 years old contacts me, he is not so bad, after so many scarecrows, he seemed really a nice guy, gym-goer, dynamic, a guy ok, that is the kind of guy I like. We talk a bit and everything seems ok, polite, no sexual allusions, doesn’t ask nosy questions, in short he doesn’t seem bad. We go on for a while always on the chat, then it comes the proposal to meet each other, I accept but in the morning, in a public place where there are many people and so on, etc., that is, I take all the precautions because I don’t know how much I can trust him.

We meet at the station, in person he’s better than in the picture, well dressed, not a ceremonial suit, but elegant, in short, one who cares about himself, the hair well done a very short beard, in short all the characteristics of one ok. We go to the bar, he offers me a cocktail, at the most I would take a cappuccino or an orange drink, he asks me if I want to go with him for a ride out of town and tells me that his car is parked nearby, but I tell him I just wanted to take a walk with him to get to know each other better, he is clearly annoyed by my answer, he doesn’t seem the type used to being told no.

We continue the walk, at lunchtime he wants to take me to a restaurant but I don’t accept and I don’t go, he is clearly unnerved but holds back his aggressiveness. In the early afternoon we say goodbye, I follow him, in practice I follow him, he doesn’t even realize it, I see the car, a remarkable BMW, I write down the license plate number, that could be useful.

In the evening he calls me back, he seems calm. The dialogue in chat between us goes on. Slowly I begin to trust him, I agree to go to lunch with him and he chooses restaurants in my opinion a little too cheap for him, to allow me to pay in the Roman way (each for himself), because I had put this condition. A month passes, all without sex between us, then he proposes me to accompany him to another city for work. I tell him that’s fine but always paying everything in the Roman way, and booking rooms in the hotel is up to me. He is very annoyed by this fact but eventually accepts.

While we are in the car he changes tone and begins to talk about sex, but he does it in a way that I don’t like at all, he does as one who is accustomed to claim something from others and I cannot stand him, I point it out to him, he makes a big sigh and says, “Ok, no sex!” I had booked two single rooms in the hotel so as not to stay in the room with him, “strangely” he didn’t expect it. He comes into my room, then goes to the bathroom to take a shower and leaves the phone on the bed, a cell phone identical to mine.

A message arrives, I open it and read it: “You’re a piece of shit! You have to disappear from my face!”, I wrote down the name and the number then I see that there is a frequent exchange of text messages with that person, as I still feel the water flowing I read a some emails and I understand that it was an exchange with his former boyfriend. My boyfriend (let’s call him so) was threatening his ex to get something from him but it was not clear what. I heard the water close, I erased the last message and put everything in place.

He comes out of the shower I don’t tell you how … what he had in mind was clear but I felt something strange in all the story, I told him I just didn’t feel like it, he pretended not to understand and he put himself naked in my bed, I took immediately the key to his room and went to lock myself in his room. I think he took it very badly. The next day at breakfast he looked like a beaten dog, then he went to the business meeting for which he had come and I waited around the city and I called his ex, I told him that he didn’t know me and that I had met his ex via the usual app and I wanted to know what kind of guy he was.

He was very cautious at first, then he let himself go and told me that he too had a terrible crush on that guy, but that the guy had something that he could not bear at all, he was violent, he had slapped him several times, nevertheless the guy had always pretended nothing because in practice he was afraid of his former boyfriend who was used to threatening and demanding. After this phone call that did nothing but confirm my doubts, I went to the hotel, I settled the bills, paying also for his room, I took my suitcase and I went to the station, I bought another sim for the phone and I destroyed the old one, then I came home by train.

I don’t know what he thought and frankly I don’t care to know, but one who uses to slap a guy who is in love with him is not a gay but an asshole! I also deleted the famous app. Thanks to my prudence he doesn’t know anything about me, not even my last name, I asked the hotel to keep it reserved. Perhaps sooner or later we will meet again in the streets of the city, but I will not even answer him.

The story is this. I had some doubts because I immediately trusted his ex and I didn’t listen to him, but I think I did very well and avoided very unpleasant situations, if he had felt authorized to slap me I would have thought very seriously to put a knife in his belly.
A hug.
Anonymous

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A GAY DIFFERENT FROM OTHER GAYS

Hello Project, I apologize for Saturday night (the other Saturday, if you remember) but I had to close suddenly, even though we had just started to talk, because people came. You probably thought I was rude, I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t do otherwise. The things that I couldn’t tell you in the chat I tell you here so that when we will be able to get in touch you will already know what it is about. Unfortunately I’m not very young, I’m 25 years old, almost 26 and I feel them all, and anyway I don’t feel young, I feel now almost lost.

Reading the forum I found your posts on intergenerational relationships and I read them with great interest. You talk about these things with respect and it strikes me a lot. Before I thought you were a thirty-year-old or so, then, reading I understood that you are much older and then it is just you that I address and I hope you can understand me because generally I found only contempt and ridicule, also and perhaps especially on the side of gays.

At my age, not only have I never had sexual intercourse with anyone but I feel inside a solitude and an infinite despair. For me it doesn’t even make sense to say that I’m gay because with gays I feel I don’t have much in common and gays, except maybe someone, despise those like me. I cannot tell you why, but since I remember I have always been attracted by men much older than me. I have tried many times to understand the reason, but as far as I dig in my past, I find absolutely nothing that can explain such a thing. I have never been harassed by anyone, rather they have always kept me on the sidelines and I think that my parents love me even if they don’t know anything about me.

If the coming out for a gay guy is already difficult, think what must be for me even the idea of talking to my parents about my sexuality. In short, I don’t know why I cannot stay with the guys my age. I’m not even gay with them, not because I’m attracted by women, but because I’m not interested in guys my age, that is, I attend some peers but they are very superficial things. These guys would never take me for gay and I would have nothing to say to them. With them I don’t feel at all inhibited and I don’t have to repress anything, they are for me simply and only friends, but in a rather superficial sense, because with them I cannot talk about myself and in the end I don’t feel absolutely any sexual interest for them. Perhaps it will be that we have been friends for a long time, but in my opinion the reason is that I’m interested only in mature men, in an exclusive way. And this is the thing that worries me the most.

When I was 18 and already I had it very clear in mind this story of mature men, I tried to create opportunities to have some intimacy with my friends, we went on vacation together a week and in practice I saw them naked all four of them but my reaction was of total indifference. I don’t hide that I got scared of this and not a little. My friends were not gay and I thought the problem was that but obviously my lack of involvement had nothing to do with it.

At the age of 20 I experienced an adventure that marked me very much. I met by chance a nice guy at a party, I say nice because he really was but this fact was totally indifferent for me. We talked a bit, he was serious, almost shy, he was my age, talking with him was pleasant and we talked, we talked a lot in the following days even on msn even though I couldn’t say anything about me, the guy after a few weeks has confessed to me that he was gay and was in love with me, I also have the misfortune of being a nice guy, even if saying something like that is paradoxical, I live it like that.

He was anxious and you understand very well why, after he told me he was gay I told him that nothing would change for me but he asked me in turn explicitly if I was gay too, my answer was very important to him and I understood him very well I reluctantly told him: yes. His eyes were bright, he took my hands and held them and I let him do, then he tried to kiss me but I pushed him away. He told me that I should not be afraid of anything because for him it was the first time and he said it with an encouraging smile. I told him: “Look, I like mature men”, but he seemed not to give weight to the thing. Then I said to him: “Look, I’ve never experienced sexual attraction for a boy, I’ve never made erotic fantasies about a boy, I’m gay but in another way, I feel 100% straight towards you”.

He was incredulous, it seemed inconceivable for him, because we were two gay guys who had nothing in common, our way of experiencing sexuality was very different. He asked me some questions and from there I realized he had not understood anything. He asked me if I had been raped as a child or if any uncle of mine had ever done sexual games with me, I told him no, but he was perplexed, then advised me to see a good psychiatrist, not a psychologist, exactly a psychiatrist and told me that according to him, these are transitional phases due to the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend before. In the following days he returned to the attack in various ways, he tried to be more seductive, to let me speak, to recognize all the possible and imaginable mitigating circumstances but it was clear that for him there was something deeply pathological, in the end he disappeared completely and I breathed a sigh of relief.

But I go back to the main question. I had the first clear sign of my sexual preferences at the age of 14, in ninth grade. There was an old teacher who always encouraged me and I fell in love with him who was maybe 50 years older than me but he seemed still a handsome man, not properly an old man, he gave me so much confidence. I think he never noticed anything and if he had noticed I would have buried myself in shame. With the history of the teacher, at 14, I passed terrible moments, I realized I was different from my classmates in every sense, I was alone and I knew very well that I would be alone and that I would never have a person who loved me.

At the age of 16 I was already a handsome guy, and when my female classmates began to come forward and I kept them at a distance, someone made the joke: “But, by chance, aren’t you gay?” And I replied: “I wish I liked guys!” but the joke was always taken as an underlining of heterosexuality, but basically I thought that if I had been gay in a classical way, that is if I had liked my peers, I would have had a much easier life and at least some chance to living as I wanted.

Many times between 21/22 years old I have experienced moments of deep anguish. After all, I wanted to be loved by a mature man, even sexually, but I don’t even think that it was my first priority. I wanted first of all to be able to talk to an adult man without being taken for a madman, if he then had treated me with a little sweetness I would have felt in heaven but I knew that all this would not happen.

Sometimes I visited gay sites with adult men but they were all sex-oriented, like a porn site, but I don’t like such things. I say it with all sincerity, I’m used to do without sex from the beginning or to live it only on the level of fantasies and masturbation and maybe if it happened to me in reality to get involved with a man, I would feel a deep embarrassment.

But I dream of a real love, I dream of it even if without any hope, but deep down I know that I will never find it, and I will never find not neither affection nor respect, I feel like the last of the last, with a feeling of marginalization that I fear I cannot bear any longer but I think I will have to endure all my life. The reaction to all this was the fact that I threw myself headlong into my studies, I set myself goals and I achieved them. Let’s say that as long as I was involved with the university and the problem of finding work, I was completely absorbed by these things that were for me a sort of antidote to my despair. Now I finished my studies and I found a decent job and everything I had repressed and sublimated returns to the surface.

At work I have practically no contact with my colleagues and I feel them a thousand miles away from me. They talk about girls, the older ones about family and children. I don’t know if there are gays and frankly I don’t care to know it, because I don’t want to repeat what I already experienced with that gay guy. What will my life be? I think now I have understood it, I will always be totally alone. This e-mail has remained in the drafts for days and as you have noticed I have not called you anymore. I had already had a thousand hesitations before and I arrived at the Saturday call forcing myself in an incredible way, then it was over in two minutes and I didn’t have the courage to call another time and I thought to send you an email.

But basically what do I write for? To talk to you about things that maybe you cannot really understand. What do I expect? Anything! I tell you right away, don’t be scared, or maybe I’d just like a little respect. If you want to put this e-mail in the forum put it. I don’t expect anything even from the guys because I didn’t like some of the answers they gave when you talked about these things, those answers are the typical answers of those who think they have understood everything and look at you from top to bottom, but I’m used to it. Hi Project. I feel moments of deep despair, if you can, dedicate to me two lines, I don’t ask for more.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-different-from-other-gays

A NON-STANDARD GAY COUPLE

Hello Project, this morning I’m happy! It doesn’t happen often, but today I’m happy and this is because I made love with my puppy! A love that could seem made out more of cuddles than sex, if we want, because my puppy is a bit particular with his behavior and then you have to be careful not to force him, but he knows it and tries to adapt, but it was beautiful anyway. I didn’t really expect it, in fact the last time I had heard him on the phone, it had seemed a bit chilly and then it had been almost three weeks.

When I feel him cold, when I feel that he cuts short, I feel uncomfortable and then I distance myself, the first days I’m glad not to hear it, because I think I would have nothing to say but then I start to miss him and then I start thinking about him a thousand times a day, it is a sort of abstinence syndrome, but not from sex, but from its presence that is able to make me feel good. I know that he has his life, that he sees other guys, whom I also know, that he makes love with them, but this doesn’t upset me, I think it is also right because the relationship he can have with me, after all, cannot be truly capable of satisfying all his needs.

in recent days he came to my mind on many occasions: places where we had been together, a way of smiling, a joke, in short, I really needed him. This morning I go to have breakfast at the bar and I see him in front of the front door of my house. He asks me if I’m busy, I answer him with a toothy smile, we go home and he wants to be cuddled, I hug him tight and I can see he’s happy, he says, “Do you still want me?” I answer than I loved only one guy all my life long and then looks at me puzzled and tells me: “Only me? Never with anyone else? Has nobody ever tried with you?” I say to him: “Only you! Never anyone else!” It almost seems like he does not believe it, but I really fell in love just once in my life. With him I lived the most beautiful experiences of my life, for almost three years, then, in a sense it’s over, but I think that in reality it never ended, he has had other guys, but he kept anyway a relationship with me and very seriously, he never archived me.

Every now and then he came to me, more than to have sex because after all it’s a bit different, just to be together in intimacy, we cuddled: dinner together, then cuddling endlessly, he curled up tight to me like a cat, I hugged him tightly, there was also a bit of sex, of that not dangerous, and it was just fine like that. I’m still in love with him. His way of looking for affection melts me inside, I don’t think I would ever be able to stay with another guy, also because, despite the different behaviors, his sexuality feels very similar to mine. If I see a guy I like in the street, it’s because he has some detail that reminds me of him. He is the best for me and then, what has always struck me is that he doesn’t forget me, he doesn’t archive me and when he is with me he is happy to stay there and I see it. I would like to live with him but I would suffocate him and he needs freedom. Deep down he knows that I love him and that this will not change, it’s something certain, so he feels desired and when we’re together he is 100% himself, he doesn’t play a role. Today we were embraced for more than an hour and he fell asleep in my arms. I felt like I was in heaven, I stroked his hair and he would open his eyes every now and then, smile at me a little and then hugged me again.

Now he’s gone and maybe I will not hear him for two or three weeks but I know he’s there and then sooner or later, he will contact me. I feel in love and I think it’s important for him too. He trusts me, knows he is safe with me and on the other hand I trust him too. Sometimes he scrambled me but they were things that didn’t last long and then everything passed. I’m so happy, he’s the guy I want, only him! And he is there, in his way, but he is there and he has never cheated me. In short, Project, today I’m happy! I don’t know if this way of living is more or less classic among gays, but that’s what happens and it’s beautiful! If you want, publish the email.
Carlo

I add a second email from Carlo, that arrived in the evening.

Today I have been thinking about my boyfriend for hours, I know that he is not my boyfriend and that he will probably never be the boyfriend of anyone, because a guy like him cannot be caged even out of love. I never understood what love was, the real one, the one that makes you suffer, until I met him and entered a totally new dimension and the novelty consisted in the fact that our love was mutual, but mutual in the true sense of the word, as I had never happened before and it never happened to me later, it was true love but it was not exclusive and even on this we understood each other very quickly and without any problem.

We are not a family, we will never be a family, to be a family it is a common opinion that an essentially exclusive relationship with another person is needed, but we have never felt this need, and then it is not true that the exclusivity of the relationship is necessary to provide mutual assistance if needed. I would do anything for my puppy and I think he would do the same for me too. Sometimes it has already happened. I call him puppy and he calls me exactly the same way . . . no roles at all! Our strength is reciprocity. He knows that when he looks for me he makes me happy and I know he loves me, that in his world I have a place is somehow important. I don’t care if it’s the first place, I know it’s not, I’m interested in the fact that I have my place inside his heart and he will continue to be there over the years and so far it has been like that.

My boyfriend fascinates me because he is not only a handsome guy but he represents the incarnation of my ideal guy and then because he understands me without needing me to speak and respects me. On the other hand, I recognize his great dignity, his great basic honesty, his true morality. Not what people mean by morality but morality understood as the ability to not subordinate emotional relationships to anything else. The emotional relationships for him are in the first place and must be managed without compromises.

We like to speak clearly, always, even when the discourse becomes unpleasant, but even in the less pleasant discourses respect was never lacking, his reproaches were not reproaches made out of hate but out of love. So many times he put me in front of my hypocrisies, unmasked before my eyes so many of my little falsehoods, so many my inabilities to be sincere to the end. So many times I must have made him really angry, he must have considered me a mediocre one, ready for any compromise, and basically he told me it explicitly, but he told me it just to make me think, to take away the classic slice of ham from of my eyes. Above all, he has never made me miss his presence, sometimes I don’t see him for weeks and if we greeted each other affectionately I’m calm and I know that I will hear him sooner or later and that it is only a matter of time, but if we have greeted badly, then he gets soon in touch with me or sends me a smiley face by sms, and he does it to free my head from the idea that something between us has gone into crisis.

I discovered sexuality with him. I used to think that I would at most be able to want a guy and that maybe that guy would not have said no, but anyway I saw myself in the role of the lover and the other as someone who in the end doesn’t say no. I didn’t really consider the idea of being able to be sexually desired by another guy and instead it is precisely what happened with him. That we loved each other I had understood it for quite some time, but he wanted me at least as much as I wanted him. It was exactly this that amazed me, and it was a real and very strong sexual desire that not only didn’t undermine our emotional relationship but made it much more complete and profound. For me it was not obvious to put together the categories of sex and of love and it was my puppy who taught me how to do it. Let it be clear that I call him puppy because he makes me a huge tenderness (as I think it’s for him too) but I know very well that he is a man, an adult who makes his choices and that several times has put me in crisis by opening my eyes on many aspects of reality that I had not very clear.

I really like his way of living sex: it is not hypocritical, it is extremely direct and sometimes I see that he is just pushed by an irresistible enthusiasm but always with sweetness, with a smile, with self-irony. When we embrace, he abandons himself completely in my arms and yet he has enormous strength when he takes me in his arms. The best thing is to stay hugged naked, the feeling of intimacy and mutual trust is very strong and heady. In his way of having sex there is never anything schematic and prefabricated, he is totally spontaneous and then he is very attentive to my reactions, tries to make me feel as happy as possible, sometimes, when we are a bit tired, I follow him less, and he says to me: “Come on, come here!” and he smiles at me, squinting and I melt completely.

So many times in our evenings of pampering we stop to talk and I’m delighted to listen to him. He reasons in a very different way from mine, but, in my opinion, more linear, more direct and even more profound way. Sometimes he has days of profound melancholy and we remain embraced to caress each other in silence and slowly he becomes calm and for me it is as if I saw the sun rise. We are not a couple, I believe that for us a model of matrimonial type would not work at all, we have no bonds of any kind beyond the fact that we love each other. Between us there is a loyalty, which is that of continuing to love each other, even if each of us has his way. Would I like to live with him? Of course, but it is something that would not work and that would risk undermining the substance of our relationship, which has its time and its ways to be realized and which cannot be reduced to schemes of any kind. I spent many hours thinking about my puppy and I feel happy, I know that he is there and will not go away, I had never experienced such a beautiful and above all such a true thing!

__________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-non-standard-gay-couple

GAY THEMED OCD AND NAKEDNESS AT THE GYM

The following email is a particularly important document, it is not about a gay guy, but about a straight guy with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characterized by the obsessive fear of being gay. Guys with gay-themed OCD submit compulsively to tests of erection in environments or situations of gay interest, and/or to tests of masturbation with gay fantasies, in order to determine their sexual orientation. Obviously for these guys the climate of the locker room of a gym is generally strongly anxiety-inducing. The hetero guy who wrote the email, very well followed at a psychological level and now about to exit OCD, has begun to attend the gym and the relative locker room and has managed to have, even in that environment, an excellent control of anxiety.

“Hello everyone! I have not written for some time, lately I’m quite absent from the forum, even if I’m in chat almost every night. Many times, in recent years, I happened to feel bad and I came to the forum to open a topic and ask for help and some advice on how to get out of the black moments. This time, however, the situation is opposite, I’m writing to you because I’m finally beginning to understand and accept myself for what I’m, a straight guy, without asking myself too many questions, without making too many problems. My self-esteem has greatly increased, both thanks to psychotherapy, where I put into practice with all my will the therapeutic strategies of my psychologist (I must thank him too, because without him I would never understood the mechanisms and automatisms of thought that had almost taken control of my mind, settling themselves within me), and thanks to my openness to experiences, where I also made many mistakes, but I learned from them.

Unfortunately, today I still suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I don’t deny that when I’m anxious, negative thoughts start to burst and this sometimes makes me very nervous. But the positive thing is that I finally recognized this automatism, and when the thoughts arrive I try to accept them for what they are, that is “thoughts”, as the word just says, which are images, words that are not real in that moment. The fact is that the thoughts provoke emotions, positive, if the thought concerns a beautiful thing and obviously, they cause negative emotions if the thought is negative. I now try to tolerate them, because I’m aware that a thought is a just a thought, and cannot represent reality. I take my life as it comes, with the positive and negative sides, and I try not to make a drama if someone tells me something rude. The negative thoughts are for me (but I think for everyone) a wake-up call, for example if I’m doing something and I start to fell anxious and I negative thoughts appear it means that I don’t really want to do it. I must thank these thoughts, I must thank the anxiety, which on one hand made me suffer like a dog, but on the other made me understand that the life I did until a few months ago, didn’t belong to me, I acted a character that I was not, and I did things I didn’t really want to do.

My life is changing, and positively, of course I have my black moments (like everyone) but I’m beginning to manage them effectively, and above all I try not to emphasize certain situations, which in reality are nonsense. I‘m becoming more elastic mentally, I accept my parents for what they are, I don’t judge them, even if they have judged me in the past, but in my heart I have forgiven them.

I am beginning to listen to myself, my real needs, my body, my sexual drives, I accept all this as normal things. When I’m among the people, I feel like them, neither superior nor inferior. In the past I tended to feel inferior, I judged myself as an incapable, a clumsy. Today when I talk to a person I look at that person straight in the eyes, sure of myself, I pronounce the words well when I speak, I feel at the same level. I don’t judge myself negatively if I don’t have any real friend yet, with whom I could go out on Saturday night.

I always say to myself that everything has its own time and that I must not be in a hurry. Already the fact that I can interact with people and especially with my peers (before I was afraid of my peers), is a big step forward for me and I’m happy for it. I’m sure that if I keep going on this way, showing myself for what I am (and I’m not just talking about my sexual orientation, but I mean everything), I’ll finally be able to find people who have the same sensitivity and with whom I can share good moments. I can finally see the positive aspects of life and I dwell on them, and when I can overcome my fears, I congratulate myself.

A month ago I joined the gym to improve my body and my mood. When I’m there I feel at home, it’s a beautiful environment, there are many quiet guys (and also very nice!) And sometimes I exchange a few words with them. The first few times, I didn’t want to take a shower there, I preferred to do it at home, because I was afraid of having an erection watching other naked guys, then a few weeks ago I decided to overcome this other fear of mine. This morning after the training I took a shower there, before entering the locker room I had a little anxiety, then I took courage and I entered. I started to undress, I took the bathrobe and the bubble bath and went in the shower. After the shower I went to put the underwear clean, to dress, dry my hair etc. etc., in short, all things that normally people do after physical exercises. But all this (apart from the initial anxiety) was accompanied by a sense of absolute freedom, I saw other naked guys and I felt a bit of sexual excitement, but only psychological, in the sense that physically I didn’t have erections.

But if I had had an erection, of course, I would have felt embarrassed, but just because I’m accepting sexuality for what it is, I would not have made many problems. While I was taking a shower and soaping my body and hair, I felt free from all fear, I felt the warm water on my body sliding slowly, the perfume of the bubble bath, the steam that surrounded me. I really relaxed and felt so natural, I was naked along with other naked guys, doing normal things, free from any negative thinking and from any worries. I was so at ease that I was a lot of time in the locker room, I did everything calmly, because there were a few guys, sometimes with the corner of the eye I looked at some penises but I’m very prudent and no one noticed it!

Then, when I was almost completely dressed, a gentleman of about 40 (maybe even less) entered, a sculpted and attractive physique. Even before, when I was doing the exercises in the gym, he had glanced at me and I had returned the glance, then in the locker room he started chatting: “and even today we trained…” and so we talked for a couple of minutes. Then, I finished dressing, I put the jacket on, we said goodbye and went away. When I got into the car, before starting the engine, I said to myself “very good, it went very well!!” and I came back home happy! Often, many of our fears are completely unfounded. The human mind is often a double-edged sword because (as said before) we listen to our thoughts and the famous “anxiety” arrives.

For example, this morning I was very worried about the shower in the gym, I even imagined scenes in which I had an erection in the locker room and someone made fun of me. Instead I experienced the exact opposite, but then again, an erection could happen in the future, but I will not make a problem because it is not. Living well with oneself and with one’s own sexuality is a wonderful thing, feeling one’s own instincts and having one’s own erotic imagery as a sort of private garden where we can only access ourselves with our imagination (this applies to everyone, gay or not) means to know yourself and feel good about yourself. I conclude with two thoughts that I wrote these days in moments of serenity:

1) “I feel good, but not because I’m all right, but because I accept the things that don’t go well without making a drama.”

2) “The charm of life is characterized by the mystery and uncertainty of every day, which are scary to each of us, but at the same time make life more beautiful and intriguing. I am convinced that if each of us knew his own future at the start, he would not even taste every little moment of life. Doubt and uncertainty are and MUST ABSOLUTELY BE PART of life, without them we couldn’t open ourselves to experiences and we couldn’t afford to make mistakes. In my opinion, a man who is not wrong, or doesn’t admit to having made a mistake at least once in his life, cannot be called a man.”

I wish all of you a good evening and happy Christmas holidays! A hug!”

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-themed-ocd-and-nakedness-at-the-gym

A GAY IN THE GYM

[Interview with a 24-year-old boy, registered on 4/16/2003]

Do you want to know what I go there to do? . . . Yes, yes . . . but have I to explain it to you? With this fucking microphone … I feel embarrassed, you’re there to record but it’s me the one who has to do the speech, come on, let’s go further. . . I’m ashamed . . . No, wait . . . ok ok . . . now I try. . . I go there for several reasons, the usual ones, health, sports, all these reasons. . . and come on! . . . don’t make all those grimaces! . . . good! . . . I come to the point! ok ok . . . but in fact I go there to see the naked guys. . . it’s like that, there’s nothing to do, it’s like that, because today you can find everywhere a lot of stuff not only of naked but also of porn at all levels but that is not sex, are only movies, in short are false things, apart from that there is all a false mental attitude, however, those who do those things just are actors, in those things there is very little of natural.

I have seen a lot of films of a certain kind but these things have nothing to do with being in front of real naked guys. Anyway, guys unlike the actors, don’t act, are really happy to stay with other real guys who are not actors, they are there with the utmost naturalness, they joke a little, they play, that is, they are what they really are, it’s just a wonderful climate, for them that is not a sexual climate, it’s normal, this is what strikes me the most: the absolute naturalness of these guys’ behaviors, the affectionate, casual climate despite the nudity. I, in general, when I go to the locker room, stay there a lot of time, but not just to look around, even to wait for them all to go away in order to finally get dressed, because when I’m in there I’m in erection all the time, but if I’m almost fully clothed, no one notices it.

Once, two or three weeks ago, I went there on Monday, when there are very few people, and I found a guy I met a couple of months ago, a straight guy eh. . . so certain ideas, that I have, must pass from my head. He’s called George, a guy 22 years old, but just a nice guy, but so straight that you cannot be more straight. . . that only talks to you about his girlfriend, in short you have understood the type. . . and you should hear the voice. . . a very sexy thing.

I was sitting on the bench pretending to put things right in the bag, he was coming out of the shower, practically we were just us. He puts himself in front of me, as his mother did him, and begins a conversation based entirely on girls. The show was unique, it was just beautiful. That is, now, it is obvious, for a gay guy to see a naked guy is also a sexual attraction, however, apart from this, a beautiful naked guy is just beautiful, that is a work of art. But he Has been there chatting without dressing for at least twenty minutes, I think he also had the pleasure of being seen. . . because if you’re ugly you do well if you cover yourself, but if you’re a nice guy you have nothing to cover. I was always shocked by the immediacy and the absence of inhibitions of the guys like George, for them it is obvious, for me it is absolutely unthinkable. Then he greeted me and left. . . as if nothing had happened, I had to recover from the emotion, because in the state in which I was not I was not able to go out, after a few minutes I went out, I found him at the bar and he offered me a tonic water, then he left but before leaving me we shook hands very cordially, he with his beautiful smile and a beautiful warm, strong hand. . .

Something like this is not very common, you can usually see many naked guys, all together, but the scene doesn’t imprint on your brain, while with George, a very different situation had been created. It is clear that it happens once in a while, sometimes such a thing doesn’t happen for several weeks, but when it happens, even just once, you don’t forget it anymore and, there is no need to say It, when you come home you have an erection just thinking about it, with everything that is coming after. In a way I know George intimately, even if these are frustrating things, anyway. . . a few days later I see George, he greets me, asks me if I remember him. . . damn if I remember! I remember every little detail of him, well, you understood. He smiles at me. . . if he knew that I not only remember him but that I think about him very, very intensely, every night. . . Well, I don’t know what he would do. . . I think he would choose another gym. . . or not? . . . Boh!

The story of George has been a bit exceptional, in general it is a far more trivial thing. . . but for a gay guy of my age it’s anyway a great temptation. Then there is a fact, I never go to the gym with friends, I always go there alone. I don’t know If there are any other gay guys, I’ve never notices anything that concretely credited this hypothesis. In there, it seems that I’m the only one inhibited, or other gays are perfectly integrated, I don’t know, but the feeling is as if there are no inhibited guys. That they are all true hetero it would seem strange to me, but, at least at eye and cross, it’s what seems most likely.

Ah. . . one thing, and it’s something that I’ve always noticed and has always struck me, the guys who go to the gym tend to make friends and it works well, while I feel out of the group, I feel somehow not to be part of the group and sometimes it also comes into my mind that becoming a voyeur, because I actually it’s what I’m, it is also not very respectful to these guys, I feel a bit like a thief, I would very much not steal these moments of intimacy, but you can get these thing only this way . . . and then I don’t see a real reason to be ashamed for . . . I feel like a thief, it’s true, but basically I do not steal anything from these guys, they are completely unaware, it’s true. . . but they don’t remain traumatized and then everything is so natural.

In the gym I’ve never seen bad jokes, that is sexual ones, I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen these things. When there is someone new, it is usually presented to the other guys by a friend who already attends the gym and I never saw situations of embarrassment. Ah, another thing, many, who don’t feel any embarrassment in being naked, are anyway not naked all the time but put a towel on their hips, but not to hide something, because then they take it off without any embarrassment. It’s all a ritual, it’s all coded, they all behave more or less the same way, it’s just a sort of masculine collective ritual.

At the my gym showers are closed by plastic blinds and there is a little privacy, in fact I almost never go there. When guys come out, they usually come out with a towel around their hips. . . but then they remove it to dry well. That of the locker room is really a special environment, there is a climate of total freedom that there is never in any other situation. When there is a new guy I’ve never seen before I try to fix things so that I enter the locker room just when he too is there, I study very well all the strategy that has to look totally random, but not only, first of all I greet him, I go by him when he does the weights or when he is at the machines, I explain how the machines work, that is, I try to create a minimum of relationship but then the brain goes always there.

I mean that I have not really known a guy until I have seen him naked, that is, I have to get there, I have to know how he’s done, it’s very important. When it happens I have a complete picture that guy, it’s not a stupid thing, it’s just like that. . . and when it happens like with George that a familiarity is formed such that the guy stops talking to you when he comes out of the shower without dressing . . . well, what can I say to you, it seems to me that a very special intimacy has been created. But now it’s enough, don’t make me talk too much, I can’t go into details. . . but if a climate like that created with George was created with a gay guy, it would be the best. . .

I know very well that a similar climate with a gay guy would never exist. . . but I understand them those who fall in love with heterosexuals, because I think of George a thousand times a day. I saw his schedules and I set mine just as his, perhaps something interesting could come out! A scene like that of three weeks ago could be repeated, but till now it didn’t happen. When he arrives he greets me and smiles as well, I always try to catch him in the locker room both before and after the shower, but I cannot insist too much. I have a dream, I would like him one day would really stop to talk with me, but not naked as it happened three weeks ago, I would like him to ask me a ride at the exit, I would accompany him home and I would like him to look into my eyes and say: “I don’t have the courage to tell you. . . but I’m gay and I’m in love with you!” . . But no! He’s just a beautiful hetero! . . . but does it seem right to you?

_____________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-in-the-gym

GAY SEX ON CAM

What follows is a discussion started on 27/8/2012 on the Italian Gay Project forum.

Hello Project, I am 18 years old, for some days I’m of age but I feel terribly stupid, I know that I did something very stupid and now I feel disgusted. Project, I have always had a good idea of sex, I always thought it was an important thing to live with my boyfriend, if I had one, and in a true love relationship. I know that the right things are these, I know it very well, I always thought this way until about twenty days ago, then different ideas started to come up my mind, that I don’t have to be alone, that it’s not fair that I don’t have a partner, that I cannot settle for videos, because there is also this, that in words I have a very nice concept of sex but then, you know how it works, and in the end you adapt, and it is just depressing because if maybe it was to be with a guy that I really like and that I fell in love with, well, that’s ok, I say because you really feel the desire for sex, but that’s not what happens to me, because in practice I have nothing to do, I sprawl on the bed and just out of boredom, because there is nothing else to do and the hand goes there, but let’s say that I go forward (and I arrive at the end) only with imagination because the imagination of those things doesn’t miss me at all, I don’t even look for porn, it’s rare, I start to imagine how it would be with one I like.

It’s a painful thing, I know, but what else can I do? And this doesn’t even involve me too much, in short, it’s like doing something just to do something, now there is nothing left of what one expects from sex, it’s a thing like another, then when I finished, I think, well I did even this, at least I fall asleep more easily. This is what happened in practice up to 15 days ago, then I told myself that I had to change system because I am no more stupid than others, that a guy my age also has the right to do what he wants and so I registered on a dating site.

I have not really thought about it when I did it, then I have been glued to the screen for three days. I don’t tell you what a kind of people, I told myself that they should be hospitalized because they are not aware of themselves. Then I happened to meet a guy not so bad, he said that he was 25 years old, perhaps he was even older but he wasn’t an old man like some others who seemed horrible to me just looking at their pictures (enormous bellies!). I speak a bit with that twenty-five, so, writing in the chat he tells me that he feels alone, that he joined that site in despair because he seeks an honest guy like him just for friendship, in short things were such. We chat writing for two hours, he is from my city, it happened by chance because I didn’t put the city in my profile, then he tells me that he wants a picture and sends me one of his own.

Nice, he was nice, maybe the photo was not his, but the photo was nice, but I didn’t know what I had to send him, I didn’t want send him a photo of mine but I had to give it something. I made one picture with the camera, very blurred, so that he couldn’t understand anything and I sent it to him, he told me that I was a nice guy and other such things, he wanted to speak in voice but I had my parents at home and couldn’t talk at all and I told him and then he told me that we could hear each other after midnight, to talk a bit, but I told him again that I couldn’t talk at all. He didn’t insist, he told me: “somehow we’ll talk at midnight” and we said goodbye.

I then went to dinner but I felt very excited and the thought was always there. My parents were seeing the TV and in my room I was waiting for them to go to bed but they were there to talk and they seemed to have no intention of going to bed and it made me angry. When they closed their bedroom door and turned off the light it was a quarter past midnight and I thought I’d lost the appointment for a quarter of an hour. I turn on the PC, I go and contact that guy, after two minutes he sends me the call for the video chat, I say no but he insists, he tells me we had at least to say hello looking at each other, I say: let’s try! If maybe he is naked I close immediately, and so I accept.

He was sitting quietly wearing a tank top, we cannot talk and we only write, he tells me that he must go for a moment to drink, when he gets up I see him in shorts, those used on the beach, but I was exactly like him because even at night the heat was terrible . Then he comes back. I quote here for you the log of the conversation. He is “Nice Mouse”, I’m Nic (as usually my nick is Nic and I tell him that my name is Nicholas but it’s not true).

– Nice Mouse writes – thank you for accepting, I’m really happy
– Nic writes – It was not an easy choice, you never know what you can expect
– Nice Mouse writes – in what sense?
– Nic writes – that you may find a naked guy who wants only sex from you eh eh eh
– Nice Mouse writes – but I’m a nice guy. Don’t be worried!
– Nic writes – I’m glad that now I can see you, because, you know, you said 25 years, but they could have been even 60
– Nice Mouse writes – No, come on, I don’t want to cheat you! However … damn if you’re a nice guy! You’re not just nice, you’re beautiful!
– Nic writes – Who? I? You’re the one beautiful! You’re really strong, a nice chest and two iron biceps.
– Nice Mouse writes – Wait for me to take off the tank top, because I like the compliments
– Nic writes – Wow! But you’re really cool! I would love to have a body like yours!
– Nice Mouse writes – I think you don’t miss anything, come on! Let me see a little! Stand up and make muscles like bodybuilders, right so, very good! Damn if you’re beautiful! You don’t have a thread of fat! Come on! Get out of that tank top … damn! A body to go crazy for! Really! But are you going to the gym?
– Nic writes – yes but twice a week, something like that, not at a competitive level, but I think that instead you do training at the gym at a serious level.
– Nice Mouse writes – I try, then, you know, by dint of insisting, you reach a result.

Project, now you know how it started, basically we went on slowly, then we saw each other only in briefs and then without and then we masturbated together. At the end he tells me it was beautiful and he never thought that sex could be like that, I congratulate him because I too was very well and tells me (I quote here the piece of conversation, I had told him that my name was Nicholas, I think I already told you this very important particular)

– Nice Mouse writes – Nic, if you want, tomorrow we do it in person, eh, what do you think?
– Nic writes – well now I’m a little embarrassed, I don’t feel prepared for something like this
– Nice Mouse writes – Nic, but if it is for the fear of diseases we do it with condoms, what’s the problem?
– Nic writes – well it’s not just for that
– Nice Mouse writes – come on! Let us have a bit of fun!
– Nic writes – no, please, don’t insist, I don’t really feel like it.
– Nice Mouse writes – Come on! That in person the effect in much more involving, So do you agree for tomorrow?
– Nic writes – No, let’s leave things as they are.
– Nice Mouse writes – but you’re just a kid! You saw it, I don’t eat you!
– Nic writes – No, come on, don’t insist.

We go on like that for a few minutes with this pull and spring and he tries everything to convince me, but the more he insists the more I convince myself that I don’t want. Before closing I say to him: “Tomorrow we meet again on cam?” And he replies “Now for a week I work outside the city, but when I come back I make myself heard.”

If I said I didn’t like what happened I would say a huge lie. I went to sleep at half past two but I was all upset, practically my first experience of this kind. He was beautiful, sexy, not aggressive, it was the first time he had entered the chat, at least I thought it was so, and we had met by chance. Ok, he was several years older than me but anyway he wasn’t an old man and then I also liked him from certain points of view we can say anatomical. So I was in orbit.

The speech of seeing each other in person was the only thing that I didn’t like, it seemed to me too much premature but the rest had seemed really exciting. I had a week off in front of me, but I didn’t want to go to the dating site because I wanted to stay true to him! I was at that point! I know it’s stupid but it’s just what I thought. So for a week no dating site and no porn, just fantasy and fantasy, about him obviously! So you can imagine that in practice I didn’t think of anything else. I spend Sunday, I expect that Monday he calls me but he doesn’t, I start to fall into paranoia, I look for him but he is never on msn neither on the dating site. We had not exchanged cell phone numbers so I couldn’t contact him. I only had his e-mail but he didn’t answer. On Wednesday I receive this email.

“Nicole, it was a dream of a week, I hadn’t thought about anything else for months, I could finally kiss you and hold you to me. You are my little she mouse, the puppy that can send me into raptures! only a woman like you knows what’s sex and I live for you, you’re my fixed idea, I don’t think about anything else, I’ve never looked at another woman, I have eyes (and not just eyes) only for you, my sweet little she mouse. With your brother we talked a lot, don’t worry that everything will be fine, I will try to put things right, don’t worry about it. You are half of my soul and you know that I would do anything for you. [omissis] (explicit and detailed sexual references follow, that I omit.) Your Nice Mouse who always thinks of you!”

This e-mail left me stunned not to say like a piece of shit! He sent it to me by mistake because the mail program after Nic has completed my (fake) name (Nicholas) and not Nicole and he did not notice it! Project that there were sons of a whore on the net I knew it and he had not actually been such, but maybe it would have been if we had seen each other in person, I don’t know, but what upsets me is that this guy was straight, at least straight his way, if such a guy can be considered straight. He obviously has a girlfriend and from what he says, he has great sex with her, but a guy who does with another guy what he did with me (and now I think he did the same so many other times) how can he completely forget about the other guy, telling him a lot of lies to go away to have sex with the girl?

Project, you can understand that I felt a total imbecile, ok, there are men who have a girlfriend or even married who spend nights on cam having sex with guys! But for me, such a thing is incredible! Are they bisexual? I don’t know, but of course with these guys I feel I have nothing in common. I had sex with him on cam, ok, but then I was scrupulous about using a porn, while he wasn’t at all interested in me because the next day he had to go with his beloved pussy! But what were you looking for? I felt treated just like a piece of shit. But is this guy a gay? If he’s gay, well I swear I cut my dick!
Nic

Other users of the forum respond to Nic’s post.

ANSWER N. 1

There are married men who go on the sites to get sex on cam with guys .. they say they are curious heterosexual guys or even 100% straight but they like that stuff. You’re not stupid, you trusted him. In those sites, unfortunately you have to go with the knowledge that 90% of people want to have sex and among these there are those who want to get there by any means. You live your sexuality in the world that you believe, casual sex is not the absolute evil but you have to be careful.

ANSWER N. 2

Dear Nicholas, premised that there is nothing squalid in masturbating thinking about guys you like, even better without the support of porn. I have nothing against porn, it is simply a sexual model that is neither in heaven nor on earth, especially if referring to gay sexuality. Unfortunately there are a lot of guys like the one you’re talking about, my first adventure eleven years ago was with a guy engaged whit a girl, who used to answer his girlfriend on the phone right in front of me. At that time I didn’t want anything else anyway.

I would like to tell you only two things related to what you are telling, the first is that something really important happened. You put yourself in the game, you met a guy you liked and you had the chance to experience a sexual involvement, which for sure was for you the premise for a much stronger feeling. This experience in itself is beautiful, there were new energies and the ability to feel alive, you do not have to give up these things. In this respect, only he has made the figure of the perfect fool, not you. You are consistent with what you like, he obviously has very confused ideas and has no real intention to investigate the matter.

He is twenty-five years old and chooses a chat to experience his homosexuality and according to what he told us he is a picker, both of women and guys, and of the well-trained ones. In short, it is his problem not to really want to understand how things are, not wanting to accept it and live a life full of falsehood, with this huge compromise behind. He made fun of you, of his girlfriend, but above all he makes fun of himself and this causes me a huge sadness. On the second point I’ll be a little more generic, I have already said my opinion million times. The problem of chat rooms and dating sites is that there is no kind of naivety allowed there. One can also be there, but must have in mind the place where he is and how he intends to move. He must be clear with itself even on what he wants. Do you understand what is the point?

And even if he were a gay man in one piece, do you think that he would only asks you to have sex on cam and meet him in person? You have to think about these things, a guy who asks you right at beginning to see you and who feels so comfortable with this proposal as to put even you at ease you, is clearly one accustomed to such things. Sometimes there is in us the conviction of being special and we think that what happened to us happened only to us. Of course we are special, but in front of the other we become special over time, at the beginning we are like everyone else. And with one of the kind then that you would have done? What kind of anxiety would he have raised in you? Do you know what I think? You were lucky to find out soon how he really was and especially to have never met him in person.

ANSWER N.3

I‘m not at all surprised, nothing new about this world eh eh! The first thing I would do, if I were you, is to cancel me immediately from the dating site before having to face other probable disappointments, which you absolutely don’t deserve. If you want a relationship of love, you certainly will not find it in such places, you would be forced to look for the classic needle in the haystack and, even if you found that blessed needle, you could still receive yet another disappointment. I have received confirmation from a person I know and who has tried to deepen the knowledge with one of these so called guys who claim to be good and serious. I can tell you that it was over with “Let’s stay at least .. friends” For some, these meeting sites are like a drug that they cannot get rid of, they can cancel themselves from the dating site many times to register again the following day. But again, I certainly didn’t reveal the discovery of the year. Good luck!

ANSWER N.4

If you look for friendships in those sites I tell you that it is very difficult to meet someone worthy, almost impossible. You must be able to skim the users and maybe you could also find at most a 2% of guys like you in there, since most feel as if they were on a pedestal, they feel powerful, for the simple fact that they can do whatever they want, having sex with the guys they want in that world, only to come back to reality, with their tails between their legs, at home, by their wives or their girlfriends. You wrote: ” Project, you can understand that I felt a total imbecile, ok, there are men who have a girlfriend or even married who spend nights on cam having sex with guys! But for me, such a thing is incredible!

Are they bisexual?” This question is legitimate and could further support my personal thinking that those attracted to men are much more than that ridiculous 10% of which we write. Meanwhile, see it as an experience that will help you to mature, while he, who goes on with the double life, is the one who should come down from the pedestal, he is the coward who doesn’t have the courage to admit to himself that he is doing this bullshit. I wonder how long his marriage with “Nicole” can last with if the premises are these! A hug!

ANSWER N.5

Ah ah! Nicholas, please don’t take my laughter as offensive, but it makes me laugh so much that that double agent cock (in both senses) has been disgraced by the automatic completion of the mail program! Try not to get angry!: let’s say that, taken by boredom and discouragement, you have sought a little adventure and you had your fun, but the downside is that had your fun it inside some kind of sewer-site, in which, rightly, as well as mice, rats and sewer rats, you cannot expect to find anything else! Don’t feel frustrated and stupid, it happens to virtually everyone and it happens extremely often to do bad meetings, both in the real world and even more on the Internet where anonymity and distance free the rabble from any inhibitory brake.

It is certainly not your fault if you came across such a guy, indeed it is practically the rule in those places. Of course, the signals all in all were quite clear; now you will think twice before taking off your T-shirt on request. Remember this unfortunate event as a small warning that you cannot really trust appearances and that in certain environments the iron logic of take-away does not yield to anything, certainly not to a basic minimum of consistency, nor even less in front of a boy who desperately desires serious and authentic communication with others.

ANSWER N. 6

Damn, what a disappointment, and what an anger! We make many fantasies because rarely, compared to the hetero world, we have opportunities to approach guys, but there is always the guy who is looking for sex only for fun and curiosity having anyway hetero inclinations, and we delude ourselves .. I suggest you to unsubscribe from that site, the adventures in the dating sites, not by hearsay, but for facts more or less like those I have personally tried, almost all (99, 5%) end up badly. I certainly don’t want this, not even sex, but maybe my sexual desire is less than yours, since you are older than me, but now that I know this forum my needs are much more sentimental that sexual and then goodbye .. because I’m not knowing new people and I’m in the situation of not being able to know them, in a reality that crushes me, I come back perpetually to the starting point, because I’m shy, because my physical self-esteem is very poor, because it is said that to find someone and create a relationship you must have self-esteem from the point of view of “sentimental relationship and physical appearance” and I have none of this, because they say it’s too early to have a story because I’ve understood myself from relatively little time and I have to recognize that, at 16, I have to shut up since there are people who have three times my years, but also four times my age and they feel the need much more than me, so I understand that I have to repress even my sadness because I find myself in a vicious circle made of fear of being exposed, low self-esteem about my being able to get engaged, awareness of being better placed than others in situations of family etc.. As a result of this I look at these things head down and I focus on study, sports and my friendships that, for me, probably, if they were complicated by my confessions may no longer be such. However I tell you to be quiet and to live with this disappointment. Wait and seize the opportunities when they peek from your door, focus on something else, the only thing that can help in this case it is to think that we are many sitting on the same train.

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