AFFECION FOR A GIRL AND LOVE FOR A GAY GUY

Hello everybody. 
If I can, I will insert myself in this discussion to contribute, even if in a very small part, to this topic. An experience of mine, more recent and personal, concerns the “risk” that I took in trying to attend a girl, a schoolmate of mine and now university mate. At that time I knew I was gay, I was aware of the attraction I felt towards guys. Although I’ve never had experiences in sexual chats, dating sites or anything like that, however, the temptation was always there, I cannot deny it. In short, the force of sexuality cannot be erased, I believe especially at my age. 
So, reflecting better, why did I try to start a story with a girl? Surely it happened because of an acceptance of my homosexuality not yet full and mature, (acceptance which perhaps is not yet perfect, but which I also believe does never materialize in a final point and rather consists of continuous changes, experiences and so on…) where being gay is not experienced as a natural condition, but as a burden or problem to be carried out, or worse to be solved. And an engagement, in such a condition, easily seems to solve all the problems; finally you can show others that you are straight, that you have no difficulty, no frailty. Suddenly the world seems to be easier and safer to live: you get engaged, then once you finish your studies you get married, somehow you go to live under a new roof, and you become a father. Oh yes, this is the central point: the desire for paternity. 
How much it weighs for a gay to know that you cannot become a father, not to be able to raise a child. Especially for those who dream of it since they were kids (I laugh at the thought, but for me it was so!) And then if you find a girlfriend you solve all the problems with your family. What I imagined in those moments was a less unequal relationship with my father (that unfortunately is very conflictual). A girl makes a man look stronger. I know it’s cynical and petty, but thinking about, I implicitly thought so. 
I liked this girl as a person, even if from a sexual point of view I didn’t feel attracted at all. Nevertheless I “declared” to her all my “love”, confessing to her that there was something on my side; in a sense it was true, but I didn’t consider sexuality in the slightest. I was denying myself pretending to be bisexual, therefore retaining the desire to be “a little” gay anyway. We went out twice together, two half days, I would say two beautiful days. A few handshakes, some hugs. I must be sincere? I have a happy memory of those moments. But false. False because it started from wrong, dishonest assumptions. I was constantly wondering how I could betray that girl from the beginning, founding a possible relationship on lies. I couldn’t tell her I was bisexual, because I had already understood that she wouldn’t accept it. I was about to imprison myself in a tunnel with no exit.
Looking back on it better, what attracted me most to her was her family. Yes, I’m not joking: two fantastic parents, fantastic from my point of view and also two older brothers who were really good people. I confess that I liked one of the two brothers. Here you can understand, what an idiot I was. … After two or three weeks, in which she went through a stormy period with the guy she had been with before we first met, she sent me an SMS where she basically downloaded me. I didn’t take it very badly, it was perhaps mostly my wounded pride to hurt me. Now I can understand how lucky I was, after all. I have not continued in the lie, I have not chained myself to a life that was not mine where I would have felt only trapped. I liked and still like this girl. But love is another thing; I didn’t feel “butterflies in my stomach” with her; a desire so deep to caress her body, to “taste” every inch of her skin, to live completely, soul and body, together, in a friendship such things there are not. 
Love is just another thing … I realize now that I have a life to build before me, neither society nor my family can or must do it in my place. I hope I have not said nonsense, and I also hope that my considerations are in no way offensive towards the married gays who wrote here before me. I am aware of what it means to be gay practically thanks to Gay Project forum, so … I don’t have much left to add, except that I would, of course, read some of your considerations! 
Thanks, see you soon. 
————-
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A DIFFICULT PATH TO ACCEPTANCE OF MY BEING GAY

Hello everyone, 
I am a 20 year old guy from Campania (a Region of southern Italy) and I attend the Computer Engineering course at the university. Nice to meet you! Why am I here? Obviously I didn’t sign up for fun. I am a guy who has discovered his being gay about a year ago, and has spent most of this year to consider himself bisexual and to refuse at all costs to call himself gay, a guy who was afraid, but now, starting about a week ago, wants to put an end to the great inner problems experienced in these months, and to accept his homosexuality, because he couldn’t go on that way. Inside I felt I was just trying to delude myself in some way … I decided to deeply analyze my situation and I understood that girls didn’t interest me at all, and I’m also supported by the fact that I had a gay relationship that lasted for eight months and I was fine, I had some small gay experiences and I felt good, I feel a strong gay desire and I’m fine, while on the other side I never felt really comfortable with girls and I realized recently that I didn’t feel any kind of interest for them …
 
I hope not to bore you, but at this moment I have some small doubts to which I want to find an answer, I try to accept myself for what I am, but unfortunately the doubts come back every now and then, much less than when I wanted to be bisexual at all costs … In particular, I really don’t understand why for 19 years I never thought I could be gay … Now if I think back to what happened to me in the past, I understand better why and I understand what I really want inside me. Certainly I feel much more confident of myself, I feel a fire inside me, that boils, but at the same time I feel small stabs that don’t make me still be right with myself, and I would very much that this period passed quickly … Moreover, I am visibly worried about how my future life will unfold, I am afraid of being marginalized for what I am doing, of being judged simply for my sexuality and even if I tell myself I should not care, I cannot do it serenely. I hate being so sensitive … I hope that you who are in this forum can help me and comfort me, even if I have already been able to talk about myself with some of my close friends, I feel that I need to talk about it with someone far more expert, in particular to analyze my past, on which I still have little doubts to which I am trying to give meaningful answers. Thank you so much for those who will read this post and who will give me a hand. I would like to talk to you about my personal story, which is still being defined today. I will start from the beginning, for what I can remember …
 
I think I was about 11-12 years old, maybe already about 13, when I discovered masturbation … My father told me about it and I saw it was very nice to do … In those days I didn’t have a precise idea about what I was masturbating, I probably had no really exciting thoughts, but I did it simply because it was so relaxing and nice to do …
 
I discovered pornography soon after, at about 13-14 years of age, of course hetero type … even if I vaguely remember I also used gay pornography, but on a marginal level, and it was not too clear that it was gay … Even because I have tastes a bit special, I never really enjoyed watching videos or porn photos with humans in the flesh, but I soon turned to hentai and other forms of designed porn … Then I masturbated in a way very … strange: I imagined myself on the side of the woman, and I imagined that a guy had sex with me … and I masturbated in different ways, using my fingers too, I don’t know if you can understand … I never excited at the idea of myself having sex with a woman, but the idea of doing it with a man excited me a lot, but I didn’t imagine myself as a man, but as a woman, or anyway with a vagina … My personal idea is that I did it to hide my homosexuality in this “inverted roles game”… Anyway, according to my memories, at least initially I always did it this way, then less and less, but such a particularity has never disappeared …
Returning back then, around 13-14 years, while I felt very lightly sentimentally attracted towards girls, but nothing sexual (in short, it ended so quickly as it started), I wanted to try something with a guy, a friend a year older than me … I saw it as something very serious, I really wanted to do something, but he saw it as a simple game and it didn’t satisfy me at all … And then, back home, realizing what I had done, I felt guilty, dirty inside, and when this friend of mine asked me to do it again I opposed myself and said absolutely no. Slowly the memory of what had happened vanished. In the meantime, more or less in the same summer, I found myself vaguely talking in chat about my “particular” way to masturbate and I quickly realized that it was something seen as absolutely abnormal by other guys, and I understood that something in me was different from what the other guys felt … They were excited thinking about girls, I felt much more satisfied imagining myself as a girl, and I didn’t understand why … but I began to repress myself and tried to conform to others, even if I was not very convinced, also because I was pushed by my father, who always reproached me that I didn’t go with the girls … In short, I behaved for a few years as an unconvinced heterosexual, a person who had no sexual desire and no interest in getting engaged with a girl … And I didn’t even have any crush on girls. 
But then I didn’t worry about the problem, I was fine as I was and I was happy, even if I didn’t have many friends to be with, in fact I was a very lonely guy. At home, I continued to masturbate without thinking about someone male or female, I thought only of those images that I saw online and that idea, that often returned, to imagine myself in the role of a woman having sex … I want to clarify that it was an exclusively sexual thing, I never thought of having a wrong body, in short, as a man I’m fine. From that period I only remember the occasional teasing by the scout friends, who jokingly teased me with words like “pansy”, to highlight that I had never shown a real interest in girls and that I often tried in various ways to avoid them, as if I didn’t want to confront them, first for fear, then for disinterest … I remember that I was very angry when they told me such things … 
The years passed and I continued this way, until I had a last crush towards a girl, in my last year of high school … a friend pointed her out and pushed me to try with her, but I could never do it, perhaps out of fear, perhaps it was something that I didn’t feel inside, I didn’t feel that absolute need to push me to try with a girl at all costs … I tried to think of her in a sexual way, but then it didn’t involve me at all … So, I realized that the crush, as usual, had quickly disappeared as fast as it had arrived, and then, in the summer that followed (2013), I began to ask myself the first questions: why didn’t girls attract me? Why didn’t I feel a strong sense of attraction towards them while my friends were sobbing with them? Why didn’t the female mentality interest me and I only had male friends? Why had I never tried with girls? Was it fear of being rejected and nothing else? I began to inform myself on the web, but above all I met someone who was decisive in my discovery: on the internet I met by chance an American gay friend on chat, to whom I exposed my doubts, my uncertainties, and talking to him, at least at the time, I thought I was straight. But my doubts were strong and I expressed them when, speaking of girls at a scout camp, they asked me if I was gay, and I replied “I don’t know, I don’t think I am, but boh … I have to think about, really”. 
It was a symptom that something was changing, and informing me on the web I discovered something that I thought depicted me: pansexuality. If you don’t know what it is, it’s like bisexuality, but a pansexual person, unlike bisexuals, is also attracted to people who don’t fall into the classic gender dichotomy, such as transgender or intersex. I started to define myself pansexual, even though I was far from understanding myself: at the end I still behaved like an unconvinced hetero, and I made my American gay friend understand that I didn’t think I was attracted to men … This friend told me that if I felt pansexual, I would have to start seeing gay porn too, to “balance the two parts of my sexuality”, this happened at the beginning of 2014, when I began to see gay porn with increasing insistence, and to masturbate on those porn, and I quickly realized that my tastes were turning upside down, that I was directing towards gay sexuality, and I really understood it when I had a crush as short as intense for that American gay friend … he was the first guy to whom I revealed my feelings, but my feelings were not reciprocated, and I was discomforted … 
When I realized what was happening I began to think “but at this point … it is not that I’m gay?” In saying so, I was very scared, I wanted to refuse it, and I did everything to do it, but over the months I felt a strong internal contrast within me: I said I was pansexual, but inside I felt a little voice that told me I was gay, and this little voice continued to make herself heard for a long time … In the meantime, I fell in love with a guy for the first time. We got together and we were a couple for eight months, during which, between highs and lows, we had a great time, even if the difficulty of seeing each other (we live 60 km from each other) made us suffer, especially me, and at the end we realized that we were not compatible enough, and about a month ago we broke up … in the meantime, my doubts and the contrast that I had tried continued … And so, in this month, I thought about what happened, and a week ago, after having compared myself with other guys who considered themselves bisexuals before and who had then accepted their being gay, I realized that I had to stop making fun of me, and I told myself what I had understood for months but I didn’t want to accept because I was afraid: I’m gay! 
These days, slowly I’m normalizing the thing inside of me, but I feel sometimes strange, sometimes desperate. I’m happy to be the way I am, happy to have understood who I am, but at the same time I have little doubts, even if I think I have understood a lot of myself in this year and a half. I also recently had my first gay experiences (in fact, with my ex, we never managed to do something in bed) and I liked it. Right now, as I said, I have little doubts, I still don’t feel very well with myself, but in my heart I know I did the right thing for me. Now I’m trying to accept myself 100%. I hope someone has understood something … I’m sorry if I messed up these things, but ordering ideas is not easy, especially when emotions are at stake … What I’m saying is mainly due to an analysis of the facts, and looking at the facts I can say firmly that I am gay.
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If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-difficult-path-to-acceptance-of-my-being-gay

GAY ONLY WHEN I MASTURBATE

Hello Project, it is very difficult for me to write this letter but I read many things you wrote and I think you can give me a serious answer. I am a 22 years old guy, I feel realized under many profiles: study, friends, etc., people tell me I’m a nice guy, I think about the average, I have a girlfriend for three years and I have a sexual life with her, we make love more or less every week, things work in the sense that I’ve never had erection problems or anything like that. I don’t take the initiative, I expect her to do it, so I feel at ease, now it has been happening this way for years. At the beginning there was a lot of the curiosity about the sex itself or rather the letting go because in fact it was she who fell in love with me, I felt at the center of her attention and her desires and the things went on by themselves even if I never felt a real sexual desire, that is, when we were away from each other for a long time, I missed her company, I missed her intimacy, but not sex as such. 
But after reading your posts, I confess that I have had several doubts because, even if in fact I never considered it an important thing, in practice since always, when I masturbate I imagine sexual situations involving “even” guys and lately it is as if that “even” had become essential. In my fantasies there are women but, let’s say so, they are always less fundamental, it is as if they were an excuse that allows me to be in sexual situations with other guys and, in fact, the thing that excites me most in these fantasies is just that climate of complicity that is created with the other guys, a bit the idea of doing something sexual together, of doing it with a girl, but of doing it with other guys, as if the thing done only with the girl lost meaning. 
It happened to me about a month ago to dream of a similar situation, that is to dream of being together with a guy talking about sex (sex done with girls) but for me the important thing was to hear that guy talking about sex, it was an exciting thing up to orgasm and I noticed that orgasm arrived thinking of the guy and not of the girl. 
In the days after the dream, which shocked me a lot, I started to masturbate thinking exclusively of a guy and it was really spontaneous, it was not a test, but with my girlfriend nothing has changed, I haven’t had sexual problems with her even if I didn’t tell her anything about the dream or masturbation thinking about a guy.
On the other hand, even before, in my fantasies there were some guys even though always, so to speak, the strictly sexual content was focused or at least seemed focused entirely on the girl. In short, with my girlfriend nothing has changed, but inside me something has changed, I cannot deny it, I told myself that in the end I could also be bisexual and that it wouldn’t be a tragedy, but the fact remains that I have never fallen in love with a guy, at least until now, and I cannot imagine myself exchanging tenderness with a guy as I do with my girlfriend. That is, it is as if now I was bisexual, or rather I was gay but only when I masturbate. 
I play sports since I was a kid, I often see other naked guys but this doesn’t make me any effect, now I see those things without any sexual halo and I’m just indifferent. I have many friends with whom I feel very free in behavior but they all are straight and basically I think I’m straight too and I never had sexual fantasies of any kind about my male friends (but not even about my female friends) sometimes I think that in sexual matters I need someone to take the initiative as happened with my girlfriend and I think I would go after easily. I don’t have the vocation of the conqueror but of the conquered, even if I’m 100% male. 
If I have an affective desire about guys it is to be courted by a guy, to become the center of his attention, I think that in a similar situation I would also end up melting up completely . . . or maybe not, I don’t know. But can you be gay only in masturbation? It’s important, of course, but I don’t think it’s enough, that is, in the end you have to fall in love with a guy. Maybe it has not happened to me yet and it’s just a matter of time, but I don’t know what to think, I don’t know whether I want it to happen or not, because if it happens I would find myself in terrible embarrassment with my girlfriend who knows nothing about these things and maybe it is good that she doesn’t know them. I absolutely don’t think about looking for gay environments and just sending you this mail requires me to overcome a terrible embarrassment. I’m waiting for your response. If you want, publish the email, because I have kept on the generic and then you can publish it. 
Sando
 
Comment by Telemachus
Very interesting reflections by this guy. Let’s say that all of us have asked ourselves these questions. But if there is something that has caught my attention is the tranquillity with which this guy is facing his doubts and his questions. Usually the issues related to sexuality and affectivity are accompanied by a high and unhealthy load of anxiety and despair, combined with the rush to self-define in some way just to get out of the limbo of uncertainty. 
Here, however, this guy seems to have a solid and appreciable starting point, that is a considerable dose of serenity with which to relate to these reflections, combined with the awareness of having to look at sexuality as one, but not the only space of realization of the person. So the attitude of the guy in his mail makes me feel a good impression, because apart from a bit of understandable amazement and fear of these news that have obviously affected him, he doesn’t seem to be carried away by drama or fears or existential concerns that wouldn’t do anything else but unnecessarily confuse his introspection and the fixed points to which he can arrive. 
On the other hand, these reflections are important but also abstract: one can ask a thousand questions on how he can formally circumscribe his own feelings, but there will always be that gap between such reflections and the concrete relationships with others that prevents to be able to proclaim definitive rules on oneself.
In my opinion, finally you can say “I’m gay” or “I’m straight” or “I’m bisexual” or “I’m gay only when I masturbate” etc. etc. this is not so fundamental. As much as it can be rewarding to find a “frame” in which to insert your sexual orientation (and I admit that such an “introspective result” can actually be satisfactory because it allows you to file a doubt perhaps with relief but also with all due simplifications of the case), we must not forget that it will have its own meaning only if it will be carried out in relation to a particular person who becomes too special for us to allow us to take care of general and abstract reflections.
 
Comment by Project.
I start from what Telemachus says, which I basically agree with. I often talk to guys who are approaching the idea of being gay step by step and who remain with a thousand doubts in mind until they have their first true gay love story. Many, I would say most, like Sando, come to the awareness of being gay after passing through the awareness of not being wholly heterosexual, precisely through the dichotomy between the couple sexuality that remains hetero even if it is not lived in a very engaging way and masturbation that gradually assumes increasingly marked gay connotations. 
I must say that this path affects the vast majority of that 30/35% of gays who have had a straight sex life and is essentially a rather typical picture. Actually, in the case of Sando, none of the classic complications that accompany this process is present and here we have to open a parenthesis. Sexuality, all sexuality, even the hetero one, can only really be experienced without problems when there is an adequate solid background from the emotional point of view and a consistent measure of self-esteem. I had the opportunity to talk privately with Sando and I can say that he has a very nice relationship with his parents and among other things he was lucky to have parents who love each other and has seen a serious emotional attitude between them since childhood. 
Sando grew up peaceful, without absurd taboo and at 22 has a maturity that many don’t even reach at 40. A bit it’s his merit but in large part it’s due to his family that created a favorable environment. Speaking with him I could understand that the family probably would not cause him any problem due to his being gay and that his father must have realized that the story with his girlfriend is not really an overwhelming love for Sando, and did him understand that if the story were to end he would not be astonished. Probably the father doesn’t suspect that his son can be gay nevertheless he often repeats: “in those things you have to do always and only what you feel without caring about what others think!” 
Starting from the assumption that there were no pressures of any kind on the part of family members or forms of parents’ intrusion with attempts to institutionalize and channel the relationship with the girl towards a marriage solution, Sando felt essentially free to follow his drive, which is something of great value. 
At the moment he is not able to evaluate, let’s say so, the completeness of his being gay because he lacks the fundamental element of living a true gay relationship, and the fear, from what I can understand, is not that this relationship arrives, but it is precisely the fear that this relationship may not arrive. And this is precisely why Sando is uncertain about leaving the girl. I add one thing. Sando tried to read up and understand very seriously what it means to be gay and has a very serious and realistic idea of homosexuality, in essence he feels it like something that belongs to him, but is afraid that the jump that will lead him to a shared love story  can never be accomplished, because the social environment in which he lives certainly does not favor it.  
In practice in his being gay he would have the support of the family but only in private and for him to live a gay relationship with an absolutely minimal visibility would be very risky. He is currently very busy in his studies and is projected towards the idea of moving far away from his region and living and working in a big city, even if for all this it will take years. I think he is following the right path and I really hope he can find what he wants. Come on Sando!! 
 
Comment by Pavloss 
The reflection of the guy is interesting for me too. If on the one hand it reminds me of my past, in which I began to understand myself, on the other it reminds me of the difference with him: I understood, yes, but with a lot of anxiety, an anxiety from which I slowly liberated over time. Reflection suggests that there is a “given” nature in the human being, a psychological-affective-sexual nature that emerges slowly, in front of the environmental solicitations and the circumstances of life. 
The person tries to be fully himself but he don’t succeed immediately; it takes time to discover the “design” that is written within himself, so that all vital centers are activated and present in the human consciousness. This implies an evidence: it is not the idea of oneself that prevails and precedes one’s own nature, but it is the latter that can give us a rather precise idea of what we are, slowly over time. 
Often the idea of oneself with which one wants at all costs to conform one’s nature, creates dramas, tensions, feelings of guilt: “I must be in a certain way and I am not as I would like!” These are things I have known and certainly I was not the only one to follow this twisted path that can be summarized in the (im)moral saying: “We must be as we think otherwise we end up thinking as we are.” Idealism that violates nature. On the other hand, when nature is allowed to speak, things are different. The important thing is that this guy can find a way to positively expand his reality, building himself as a mature and responsible person in a true and rewarding relationship.
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If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-only-when-i-masturbate

AWARENESS OF BEING GAY AND MECHANISMS OF REMOVAL AND UNDERESTIMATION

Let us now try to highlight the typical mechanisms underlying the unawareness and non-acceptance of being gay, in this sense we will consider some of the most typical mechanisms of removal and underestimation of all the elements that, if properly interpreted, would lead to awareness and acceptance of being gay.
BEING GAY 
We assume as a basic definition that being perfectly heterosexual means to fall in love affectively and sexually in an exclusive way with people of the opposite sex and that being perfectly homosexual means to fall in love affectively and sexually in an exclusive way with people of your own sex. Of course, all intermediate positions are certainly possible. Now the problem is to identify, first of all, how the affective and sexual falling in love takes shape. 
What does it mean, for example, to fall affectively and sexually in love with a guy? I’ll try to respond based on the experience gained in Gay Project. 
Falling affectively in love with a guy means: 
1) Intensely wanting for him to be present, creating opportunities to stay often with that guy, trying to delay the separation moment as much as possible when you are with him, perceive that time passes very slowly when you wait to see him and that passes very quickly when you are together with him, exchange as soon as possible texting with that guy and anxiously wait for his answers, try to put him totally at ease, have the pleasure of listening to him. 
2) Feeling for that guy forms of solidarity, feeling discomfort when he is in trouble or is not well, feelings happiness when he is happy even for issues that have nothing to do with you, looking forward to stay close ho him to help him to solve his problems. 
3) Desiring to know as much as possible about that guy’s life: if he has a girlfriend, who his friends are, how he spends his time, what hypothesis he does for his future. 
4) Experiencing forms of jealousy when that guy shows particular sympathy or attention for a girl or another guy, even at the level of important friendship, hope that his love stories will end soon or that they can leave him at least the time to stay with you. 
Falling sexually in love with a guy means: 
1) Perceive the pleasantness of the physical presence of that guy, being struck by his gaze, his voice, his handshake, his way of smiling, moving his hands, walking, seeing something perfect in some physical details of that guy, like the color of the skin, the hair, the harmony of his body, the shape of his hands or face, the heat emanating from that guy, his smell. 
2) Experience the presence of that guy as sexually exciting, to go into erection when you are close to him, especially when you are alone with him, even without any apparent sexual implication. 
3) Asking yourself if that boy is also sexually involved and trying to understand, for example, if he too goes to erection in your presence. 
4) Lingering repeatedly to fantasize about what you would do with that guy imagining him sexually involved. 
5) Dreaming of that guy in situations of nudity or sexual involvement with you. 
6) Masturbating thinking about that guy and dreaming that he can do the same. 
It is obvious that between the forms of affective involvement and those of strictly sexual involvement there are ample coverage and continuity zones and that too analytical distinctions have a very relative meaning. 

A single concept must always be kept in mind, namely that to have a real falling in love, neither sexual interest nor just affective interest is sufficient, the two components are both necessary. 

UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTING TO BE A GAY
People can experience the situation of “being gay” without attributing to the objective falling in love that they live any consciously gay connotation, in this case we cannot talk of gay identity because the meaning of falling in love has not yet been correctly framed by the person who lives it. The problem of understanding and accepting to be gay emerges this way, a problem which, in environments strongly orientated towards heterosexuality, may not be easy to solve. 
AWARENESS 
The most typical mechanisms that delay the awareness of homosexuality are linked to the substitution of the terms that contain references to sexuality with others more neutral, which tend to validate alternative motivations for the interest towards another guy, completely detached from sexuality. Let’s try to synthesize the most typical mechanisms: 
1) ”I am not in love with a guy but I consider him an example to follow because he is beautiful, fulfilled and happy and I am not”. This is the socalled category of the ”model” very in use in the past times to counteract the awareness of being gay by reading the interest in another guy in terms of pure emulation. 
2) ”I like him but it’s just an aesthetic pleasure”. In this classic statement you don’t use the expression ”I’m in love” but in its place the expression ”I like”, identifying the reason for the attraction outside of the sexual sphere in a purely aesthetic dimension. One can say: ”I turn to look at him but only because he is beautiful” and that ”only” tends to exclude the idea of a sexual involvement. 
3) ”I feel physically attracted to him but I am not in love with him because I am heterosexual and therefore I fall in love with girls”. In this regard, I note that the last statement reverses the logic of discourse and transforms what should be the conclusion in the premise. According to the logic one should say: ”I fall in love only with girls (as a matter of fact) so I am heterosexual (I match the definition of heterosexual)”, instead they say: ”I am heterosexual (axiomatic statement assumed by principle) so I fall in love with girls only (due behavior as a deduction from the axiom) ”. I emphasize that saying ”I feel physically attracted to him but I am not in love with him because I am heterosexual and therefore I fall in love only with girls” means to make a separation between sexuality ”being physically attracted” (I note that even here we don’t use the expression ”falling in love”) reserved for guys and the emotional love that would be the ”true falling in love” reserved for girls. Those who use this language are convinced to live for girls a ”higher” love because without sex. 
4) ”It’s just a transitory phase, when I find the right girl, all these fantasies will pass”. This phrase expresses the so-called conception of transitory or evolutionary homosexuality. Here the homosexual attraction is not denied but is debased by confining it in a chronologically limited dimension, but it would be better to say attributing to it a dimension of substantial emotional and sexual immaturity that will be overcome by the advent of a mature heterosexual sexuality ”when the right girl arrives”. I would say that the idea of the transitory phase is particularly subtle because it does not define any concrete temporal limit and allows an indefinite series of referrals of the question to a hypothetical automatic resolution generated from the outside.
The point of view of homosexuality as an expression of an adolescence that has not yet been completed, that is, of surmountable homosexuality, is that adopted by the Congregation for Catholic Education for the admission to the seminary of people with homosexual tendencies. 
The Church ”cannot admit to the seminary or to holy orders those who practise homosexuality, present deep-seated homosexual tendencies or support the so-called ”gay culture”. Such persons, in fact, find themselves in a situation that gravely hinders them from relating correctly to men and women. One must in no way overlook the negative consequences that can derive from the ordination of persons with deep-seated homosexual tendencies. Different, however, would be the case in which one were dealing with homosexual tendencies that were only the expression of a transitory problem – for example, that of an adolescence not yet superseded. Nevertheless, such tendencies must be clearly overcome at least three years before ordination to the diaconate.”(1)
DIFFICULTY OF ACCEPTANCE
Once you have reached the awareness of being gay, this awareness is not always accepted peacefully, because a number of very rooted preconceptions hinder acceptance. Many of these preconceptions are of religious derivation and are therefore intrinsically dogmatic. The mechanisms of non-acceptance always rely on the need for a belonging (familiar, religious or social) that would be incompatible with homosexuality. 
The most typical ideas that make the acceptance of homosexuality difficult can be summarized as follows: 
1) ”These are things that everyone does, they are just forms of exploration of sexuality”. In this sentence two distinct denialist approaches are concentrated: 
a) ”everyone does it” (which is absolutely not true) so yours is not an authentically homosexual behavior. 
b) ”It’s not about homosexuality but about sexual exploration”, here comes the technique of changing names to things to deny them. 
2) ”Gays are people who are addicted to sex and make things of all kinds and I have nothing to do with them”. With statements of this kind people try to generate a sense of disgust towards homosexuality by degrading it morally. Here one can speak properly of internalized homophobia. 
3) ”It’s a vice that I have to take away”. This statement in a sense represents a step forward because homosexuality is fully aware but branded, even by those who live it, with the mark of immorality. In these situations, the iterate condemnations of homosexuality on the part of the Church weigh heavily. The catechism of the Catholic Church and the papal documents in the matter of homosexuality speak of ”serious depravity”(2) , ”fatal consequence of a rejection of God”(3) , ”lack of normal sexual evolution”,(4) ”pathological constitution”,(5) ”intrinsically bad behavior from the moral point of view”.(6) Saint Pius X, in his Catechism of 1910, classifies the ”impure sin against nature” as second by gravity only to the voluntary homicide, among the sins that ”cry out revenge in the presence of God”.(7) And adds(8) ”These sins are to cry out for vengeance in the sight of God, because the Holy Spirit says so, and because their iniquity is so grave and manifest that it causes God to punish them with more severe punishments”. These statements do not need comment. There is no doubt that a homosexual to be Catholic should consider homosexuality the worst of vices. The idea of homosexuality ”against nature”, which is derived from dogmatic, is still very widespread even among people in other aspects of good cultural level. 
4) ”I must go to a psychologist because things don’t work properly”. Among the most widespread prejudices about homosexuality there is the fact that it is considered a psychiatric pathology or a mental disorder. It should be emphasized that the path to eliminate homosexuality from the catalog of psychiatric disorders has been very long and tortuous, has led to an infinity of controversy and still, despite the contrary positions of professional orders, many psychologists, psychiatrists and psychotherapists, who claim ”the right of homosexuals to be cured ”, paradoxical expression, tend to apply therapies aimed at the modification of sexual orientation, the so called ”reparative therapies of sexuality” sustained by Nicolosi in the United States and in Italy by Cantelmi with the support of strong religious groups. I must stress that even today some health workers, who should be reliable reference points, come to confuse sexual orientation and gender identity. 
5) ”If I were gay, I would give terrible displeasure to my parents who expect their grandchildren”. This sentence represents in sublimated terms a reality that should be described in a more pertinent way: ”If my parents understood that I’m gay, my family life would become hell, and since I have no choice, I have to accept to sacrifice my sexuality”. Strong and insistently heterosexual family environments are a very deep reason for concern for gay boys. I must stress that coming out in the family is still a fairly rare reality among gays. 
6) ”Maybe I like guys, but I don’t really feel gay”. Behind this sentence we see the substantial acceptance of homosexuality but not of homosexual identity. ”I can also behave like a homosexual but I am not homosexual”, as if being gay did not correspond to a set of tendencies and behaviors but had a further ontological connotation, that is as if there was a difference between behaving as gays do reasoning like them and being gay in itself. 
7) ”I don’t want to be gay and nobody can impose it”. Behind this sentence hides a further mystification that is to consider the fact of being gay a voluntary choice and not a reality to be accepted for what it is. 
COURTSHIP AND LOVING FRIENDSHIP 
Being gay can manifest to the outside through behaviors that make clear the state of falling in love and tend to get an answer from another guy. These external behaviors constitute the gay courtship. It should be emphasized that gay courtship is often unaware in the sense that several guys, who implement forms of objective courtship against other guys, read their behavior in a very strong friendship, at the limit of sexualized friendship between hetero guys and tend anyway to exclude the classification in the category of homosexuality. If a guy falls unconsciously in love with another guy, courtship can be characterize by an extreme lightness that it is not even perceived as a form of courtship by the guy to whom it is directed, because he is not perceived as such neither by the guy who puts it into practice. In these situations, courtship often manifests in very soft ways and, from the smile to prolonging the conversation more than usual, from the offer to do a stretch of road together or to accompany the other at home, to the proposal to go out with other guys and, in some cases, even to the proposal to go out together alone. Often these ”amorous friendships” are experienced at the beginning in a gratifying way and are transformed into very close interpersonal relationships which however maintain all the apparent characteristics typical of a friendship. Girls often don’t understand why their boyfriend prefers to go out with his best friend rather than with them. Sometimes it may happen that those that seem common friendships are love friendships, that is, at least one-sidedly, unconscious forms of homosexual falling in love.
___________
(1) Instruction Concerning the Criteria for the Discernment of Vocations with regard to Persons with Homosexual Tendencies in view of their Admission to the Seminary and to Holy Orders, n. 2, November 4th 2004.
(2) Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2357.
(3) Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Human person. Some questions of sexual ethics – 29 December 1975, n. 8 – Homosexual relationships 
(4) Ibidem. 
(5) Ibidem. 
(6) Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith – Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the pastoral care of homosexual persons, 3. 
(7) Major Catechism, n. 966.
(8) n. 967
__________
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BEING GAY: THE LIFE OF GAYS THROUGH THE ANALYSIS OF REAL EXPERIENCES

I have been asked several times to make available online the English translation of the manual “BEING GAY” which in the original Italian text has been very successful.
The translation and formatting of such a long and complex text require enormous work. I started this job a few days ago and I think it will take a long time. I have therefore made the translation available online even during its processing, so that the parts already translated are immediately accessible to the reader.
 
(work in progress)
 
I invite readers to report errors or omissions of any kind and to provide suggestions and information on aspects that may be useful to insert in the text.

I sincerely thank anyone who wants to collaborate.

________________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum:  http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-being-gay-the-life-of-gays-through-the-analysis-of-real-experiences

LITTLE ENTHUSIASTIC HETERO? AND IF I WAS GAY?

Dear Project,

After browsing the forum long and wide and reading your book “Being Gay” I decided to write to you. I am 26 years old, I can say that I am quite poorly satisfied with my life, that is with my studies and, from a very short time, with my work, which I do not like too much, and I’d better say that I don’t like it at all, but if I think that so many guys cannot work at all, I can only think that I must keep it tight. There is another aspect of my life on which I’m thinking for hours every day. Let’s just say that I do not dislike girls, I mean that if a girl comes up and cuddles me in the right way, for me it’s okay. I had two stories with girls, the first began when I was 15, I came in it with enthusiasm because it made me feel great and it was not bad. I say so now, because I know how things have evolved afterwards. She did not want to go beyond well-defined limits and I did not want to go either, in fact we were good friends, we went out together, there was some tenderness, but without exaggerating, and that was okay. Then it all ended after three years, when our parents got in the way to formalize the thing, that is to make it become something different, and so began the rituals of engaged people, but these rituals did not please me or her, after a few months we ended up “by common agreement and without problems” that we were just good friends and so the story ended, with regret (and disappointment) of our parents. With the second girl, my present girl, things were very different, we were both 24 years old and had good prospects for study and work. Saying that we got together like a couple is improper. Even with her everything started with a friendship not particularly important. We often called each other on the phone, often came out, but always with groups of friends, sometimes we talked seriously, but especially about study and job prospects. After the second level degree, I managed to find a job and she has gone abroad for the PhD, neither of us thought that he or she could give up something in the name of the other, I rather encouraged her to go because so she would have had much better prospects. In the first few weeks we used to get in touch on Skype almost every day, now much less and, frankly, I don’t miss her, as I think she doesn’t miss me. So far this would be an ordinary story of a guy not too much interested in girls and especially not too much (in practice for nothing) interested in sex with girls, but things do not end here. I always had a lot of special friends and I was fine with them, but I have never felt any physical attraction for a guy, or maybe just a bit, but none of the things I read on the forum. For a few months I’ve met a guy who I’ll call Nino, twenty years old, a guy who hit me right away. I did not feel overwhelmed, what struck me was his emotional state and his level of participation in things. We got to talk a bit, I told him that my girlfriend is abroad and other things and he told me he is gay and is in love with a guy I know. The guy he is in love with is a nice guy, but I do not think he is gay even though I have never seen him with a girlfriend. Nino keeps telling me about this guy, I see that he is totally in love and I am really astonished at this, because if I think of my two girls, well, they were not very involved, while Nino practically lives for that guy and feels really uncomfortable for this reason. He was very astonished by my reaction to his revelations and said that he can only talk to me about these things, I try to warn him, for at the moment the other boy knows nothing and probably not even imagine that Nino fell in love with him, and the reaction could be not only of disengagement, but of total repulsion, and Nino could come out badly. Even here, in the end, it could be a bit less common story of a friendship between a heterosexual (I) and a gay guy (Nino), but things are more complicated because with the passing of time between me and Nino is tightening a very special tie. He tells me very beautiful things, which I enjoy, but the fact remains that even with all the good will I do not feel gay. I talk to him for hours, but then I forget it. He knows I’m hetero and have a girl, but he gives no consideration to that, and he is a very attractive and seductive with me, as if I were gay and about to fall in love with him, and from here on there is a problem for me too, because I like to be with him, but I do not want to deceive him, because he might feel very uncomfortable. When we talk, I tell him about my girlfriend, he tells me about his boyfriend, but basically we just talk about us, my girlfriend and his boyfriend are pretexts to keep talking without creating too much trouble. I also wondered if by chance I was gay, perhaps in a very special way, because with him I feel comfortable and the fact that he is gay and that he may have fallen in love with me (maybe the word is not suitable, but there is something similar) doesn’t even upset me, but it seems to me very nice because he has a behavior a lot different from that of girls, much more affectionate and much more direct, than I really like, but then I think everything could stop here. I add one thing: I would not mind being gay and fall in love with Nino, but at the moment it’s just a hypothesis, I do not know if something could come out later, surely with him I feel more involved than with a girl. Nino might seem a little effeminate, because he is always very kind and affectionate, but I do not see in him anything feminine and I do not consider him at all as I consider girls, I feel him much closer to me, with him it seems to me that could be possible that affectionate friendship that has always been my ideal, and the fact that he is gay, in the end, is just what makes this affectionate friendship possible. I would not, however, want to condition his life, this is my main concern. As you can see, Project, the problems are so many and so very interwoven with each other. In your opinion, what should I do?

Perplexed

p.s. If you like, post this mail on your sites.

MANUAL OF HOMOSEXUALITY

Gay Project has published in Italian a “Manual of homosexuality”:

http://gayproject.altervista.org/manuale_di_omosessualita.pdf,

that is a guide to know and understand the real problems of gay guys.

I have been also asked several times to make available online the English translation of the manual.
The translation and formatting of such a long and complex text require enormous work. I started this work a few days ago and I think it will take a long time. I have therefore made the translation available online even during its processing, so that the parts already translated are immediately accessible to the reader.
 
(work in progress)
 
I invite readers to report errors or omissions of any kind and to provide suggestions and information on aspects that may be useful to insert in the text.

I sincerely thank anyone who wants to collaborate.

__________

CHAPTER 1 – UNDERSTANDING TO BE GAY

Let’s start with a concrete example.

A boy 12 year old (seventh grade) experiences for the first time the spontaneous swelling up of his penis (erection) while he is in the locker room along with his mates and while concentrating his attention on one of them who is undressing. The experience is pleasant, the guy comes home, sits back to think about his mate, goes quickly erect, the feeling is newly nice, the guy starts a long manipulation of his penis (masturbation) at the end of which he feels a strong contraction of the testes (orgasm) that makes a white substance (semen) squirts up from his penis (ejaculation), immediately after the guy experiences a strong feeling of relaxation, as if all the tension caused by sexual arousal had been discharged (post-orgasmic phase). Throughout all this procedure, the imagination is concentrated on the image of the mate undressing in the locker room (masturbatory fantasy).

Let us now analyze this example. It is the discovery of masturbation, that is the first real sexual experience. In this experience, there are two different components linked together, the physical one (erection, masturbation, orgasm, ejaculation, post-orgasmic phase) and the imaginative one (masturbatory fantasy).

It is usual to call masturbation also the whole physical-imaginative process we have just described. During masturbation the guy brings to mind the images that had caused the erection spontaneously, because focusing on those images (masturbatory fantasies) he can easily get an erection (sexual arousal through masturbation fantasies) and the erection is more vigorous and all the process of masturbation is strongly addictive. If the masturbatory fantasies of a guy are directed towards other guys  we use to say that masturbation is gay oriented, if masturbatory fantasies are directed towards girls we use to say that masturbation is hetero oriented. When the masturbatory fantasies are really spontaneous, they represent the fundamental indicator of sexual orientation: a guy who masturbates in an exclusive and consistent way with gay fantasies is to be considered a gay guy.

Now we go further with exemplification.

The same guy that we talked about before, listening to his mates about masturbation becomes aware that they experience something similar to his own experience in the physical aspect but different with regard to the masturbatory fantasies, and realizes that his mates, during masturbation, don’t focus attention on other guys but on girls. Back home, the guy tries to masturbate focusing on a girl, that is, using the same masturbatory fantasies used by his mates, but those fantasies do not produce results and are on the contrary experienced as something alien and not really exciting. The guy then comes back to masturbation fantasies focused on his mates and the physical response is rapid and convincing.

Let’s analyze the example.

This is the first perception, by a gay guy, of the fact that his sexuality is not similar to that of other guys. The thing in itself would not cause any problem, but the guy, speaking with his mates, becomes aware, with a growing awareness, that his sexuality is considered by his mates as an object of ridicule and as something quite offensive to joke about and begins to connect to his sexual orientation words like gay, fag, queer, fagot and so on, that people use as an insult. This way the guy perceives for the first time the discomfort of being gay, which is not caused by the fact of having a sexuality different from that of the other guys but by the contempt shown by other guys.

But let us proceed with the examples.

The guy that we talked about in the previous examples starts to feel the presence of the guy who is the object of his masturbatory fantasies as something very pleasant, he is happy while being beside that guy, talks to him for as long as possible, appreciates his voice, his physical presence and smile and tends to create a relationship with him. At first that relationship seems to have the typical characteristics of friendship but really differs from friendship because that guy is also the subject of masturbatory fantasies.

All the process described above represents a typical gay love affair, in which there are two components: one affective, which consists in creating a relationship of proximity and affection with the other guy, and the other strictly sexual, which consists in being sexually involved by the other guy assuming him as object of masturbatory fantasies.

For the other guys, who leave similar experiences, but oriented towards girls, the natural outcome of being in love is the declaration of love to the girl they love, that statement is usually taken by the girls like something  however flattering. The gay guy understands on the contrary that, for him, declaring his love for another guy carries the risk of being identified as gay and thus being branded with offensive epithets by his mates and also by the guy he is in love with. In essence, the gay guy realizes that he’s a gay guy in a group of guys who have a different sexual orientation and concludes instinctively, that not to be labeled as gay by his mates, he has to pretend to be straight.

So far we have presented a very simple model of getting aware of being gay applied to a 12 year old gay. In reality, this scheme can be complicated by many disruptive factors. Let us therefore examine the most important factors that interfere with the awareness of homosexuality. Consider an example.

A guy 11/12 year old is involved in sexual games with a girl slightly older than him, his first erections are not really spontaneous but are induced by the interplay of sexual manipulation by the girl, which is especially rewarding because allows the preadolescent to perceive himself like a man. The guy will repeat on his own the handling of the penis and will arrive at the discovery of masturbation and, at least apparently, his masturbatory fantasies will be oriented toward girls, but in this case during the masturbation the spontaneous sexuality cannot emerge just because the first erections are not spontaneous but are induced by a girl through explicit sexual advances (the manipulation of the penis or the intimate caresses). The sexual imprinting , that is the first real sexual or para-sexual experience, in this case, has been experienced by the guy “in a straight atmosphere” due to external elements (the girl) and thus was not the result of the sexual spontaneity of the guy, but nevertheless such sexual experiences are not superficial. The hetero imprinting can induce quite easily masturbation fantasies related to the imprinting, i.e. hetero fantasies, rather than to spontaneous sexuality. Following an hetero imprinting, even a guy who, if he could spontaneously develop his own sexuality, would manifest a gay sexuality, can present  a straight masturbation for years. Gay guys sooner or later come certainly out of the constraints that derive from the hetero imprinting because in the long time spontaneous sexuality comes always afloat.

Much more complicated and problematic is the situation of guys who have been subjected to violence or sexual abuse. I would simply point out that sexual abuse can leave on anyone who has suffered it very heavy consequences, particularly if it was committed with physical or psychological violence or by a close family member.

Let us consider now much more common disturbing elements that can interfere with the process of getting aware of being gay. We start here with an example.

An 8 year old guy is part of a larger group of friends and hears them speak with great interest about pornography on the Internet. For him, 8 years old, genital sexuality is still something to come, but he is induced by what he heard to go and see what it is. In this way, the guy discovers pornography, which means, in the vast majority of cases, heterosexual pornography, before having sexual maturity to understand the real meaning of sexuality. In this way, the guy gets a form of pre-orientation toward sexuality almost always towards heterosexuality, which tends to stabilize the guy because using pornography he feels integrated with the group of older guys. Over the years the tendency to imitate the sexuality of the older guys leads that guy to the discovery of masturbation that takes place in a straight atmosphere and therefore manifests a heterosexual orientation. This not spontaneous hetero orientation, precisely induced by the described mechanism, just because it is not spontaneous, may not coincide with the deep sexual orientation and therefore, also in this case a young guy with an exclusive hetero masturbation may be, with the passing of time, having to deal with the subsequent emergence of a spontaneous gay sexuality.

We come now to another important point, namely the education that a guy receives about sexuality, and as usual we consider a concrete case.

A guy has been accustomed from childhood to attend Catholic circles, typically the parish. In that environment he feels comfortable, the family has confidence in the priests and is happy that the child attends that environment because even the parents grew up in that environment and feel it as safe and suitable for the growth of the child. Gradually, from childhood on, that guy has assimilated the values ​​typical of a Catholic environment that are related to the idea of ​​family (father, mother and children), seen as the center of the life of an individual. This model does not create any problem to the guy before his first contact with sex life and indeed is regarded as quite natural because, before discovering sexuality, a guy identifies himself only in the role of child and not in a possible role of father. But there are also other things to take in account, a guy, before discovering sexuality considers as natural the idea that sexuality, which he still does not know concretely, is aimed exclusively to the procreation and that any other use of sexuality is wrong. When the guy discovers masturbation and the horizon of real sexuality, he is brought automatically to suppress the new feelings and to feel guilty about the fact of not being able to do without what he believes to be absolutely to avoid. Up to this point the conditioning of sexuality operated by the religion is practically the same for both gay and straight guys, but for gay guys there are also other problems. In religious circles in general people tend to take for granted that all the guys are heterosexual and the existence of homosexuality is considered as a manifestation of disease and sin. The priests who care for older kids only talk about relationships between guys and girls and these behaviors lead gay guys to stay as far as possible away from homosexuality, considered like a very serious sin but avoidable. Let us pause to reflect on the situation we have just described.

The Catholic Church considers heterosexuality as the only natural form of sexuality and considers homosexuality as a pathological tendency, something against nature, which must be repressed. The Church considers a grave sin every homosexual act, that is, all forms of sexuality shared with someone of the same sex and also considers masturbation a grave sin. The World Health Organization has recognized for several decades homosexuality as a “normal ” (i.e. non-pathological) variant of the human sexuality and homosexuals has been recognized in many states the right to join together to form a family, a family formed by same-sex partners,  in some states, it is also granted to homosexual couples the right to adopt children exactly as it is granted to heterosexual couples. The same World Health Organization has explicitly acknowledged the value of masturbation not only as a fundamental element for the formation of sexuality in adolescence but as a positive element that produces pleasure, accompanies the entire sexual life of an individual and also involves married man and women, who clearly have also a sexual life as a couple. The World Health Organization has included education to masturbation as part of sex therapy aimed at the well-being of the person as an individual and as part of a couple.

The teachings of the Catholic Church in matters related to sexuality and especially homosexuality and masturbation, are not only not universally shared but are completely incompatible with what the scientific community says about the same subjects.

Sexuality education in accordance with the dictates of the Catholic Church or other religious groups with similar attitudes, promotes feelings of guilt and leads to the repression of sexuality and especially homosexuality, which is seen only in the dimension of sin and not as a natural and spontaneous behavior.

What are the consequences of all this for a homosexual guy? The guy tries to force himself toward heterosexuality and considers homosexuality as a vice to be eradicated, seeks to create a relationship with a girl that can reassure him by giving him the illusion that his homosexuality will disappear if he will be able to resist temptation particularly avoiding masturbation, so in fact the feeling towards a girl will grow “pure” that is not tainted by sex. In repressing masturbation, which would inevitably be gay oriented, and in building a relationship with a girl chastely, that is, without any trace of sexuality, the guy sees a merit, a victory over himself and the sign that his “heterosexuality” is true love and not vice because it is not contaminated by masturbation. In fact the apparent “pure” falling in love with a girl is not really falling in love because is missing entirely any sexual involvement. That apparent falling in love allows the guy to pretend to be straight, relegating homosexuality to the rank of marginal vice that will pass easily, over the years, when he will go to the wedding. It is in essence a problem of removal of homosexuality that is denied and minimized. In some cases, starting with these concepts, when the first attempts to couple sexuality with a girl are successful, the guy can get easily even at the wedding.

The expression “sexual imprinting”, in the strict sense, is used to denote the first sexual or para-sexual experience (nudity, physical contact) that induces, through sexual arousal, the initial orientation of masturbation towards guys or girls. It is quite common to speak of sexual imprinting also about the discovery of pornography and even about the educational pressures. While the discovery of pornography, particularly if very early, can effectively determine the initial orientation of masturbation, and therefore can constitute a real sexual imprinting, the educational pressures act mainly through deterrence. In general, the removal of homosexuality as a result of education does not lead a gay guy to hetero masturbation but to abstinence from masturbation, in this case we can speak of sexual imprinting only in very general terms.

Here it should be clarified that as a guy who lives a straight imprinting can masturbate, for a period of time at least, with heterosexual fantasies, even if he is not straight, so a gay guy, in situations of particular emotional involvement, can have a sexual intercourse with a woman. It should be borne in mind that the true sexual orientation is the “spontaneous” sexual orientation of a person, therefore a guy is gay if, without any conditioning, his sexuality is focused on guys, and similarly a guy is straight if, without any conditioning, his sexuality is focused on girls, but that does not mean that a gay guy, that is a guy who, without any conditioning, focuses his sexuality on guys , cannot, under specific conditions, i.e. with strong constraints, respond to heterosexual stimulation. Similarly, a straight guy, who is spontaneously led to a hetero sexuality, in some particular situations, may also respond to homosexual stimulation. It is precisely for this reason that, in the presence of strong environmental constraints, when the orientation of masturbation does not coincide with that of couple sexuality, the true sexual orientation is what emerges from masturbation because during masturbation the weight of the constraints is enormously less and there  is no expectation to satisfy on the part of the partner. The fantasies that accompany masturbation are, for these very reasons, the fundamental index of sexual orientation.

It should be noted that, given that 92% of the population is composed of heterosexuals, environmental pressures that push toward heterosexuality are very strong, while those that push towards homosexuality are virtually nil. That’s why there are many gays who have problems, even for long periods, about their being gay, while it is very rare to find a straight guy who has problems about is being hetero.

About 30% of the guys who end up recognizing themselves exclusively gay have had before periods in which they considered themselves to be heterosexuals and some of them, and not a few, also had sex with a girl and also with more than just one. Those guys are not heterosexuals who have become homosexuals but they are homosexuals who have been induced to pretend to be heterosexuals by environmental pressures or by an education for nothing respectful of sexual spontaneity and typically have lived long and troubled periods of uncertainty about their sexual orientation. It is significant that most of these guys, even when they have a girlfriend and have sex with girls, continues to practice masturbation with gay fantasies.

Let us now deal with elements that can appear but are not indicators of sexual orientation. Let’s consider an example.

A 11 year old guy goes for swimming and compares his penis with that of his peers. In this case it is true that there is an interest in the penis of other guys but it should be clear that for the guy this is only an element of comparison for assessing his own sexual maturation in relation to that of other guys, the same is true when considering physical development, height or strength in relation to the similar characteristics of other guys. All this has nothing to do with homosexuality.

Let’s move on to another situation which is incorrectly related to sexual orientation or gender identity, that is the feeling of being a man or woman. A child about 5 or 6 year old sometimes puts on mum’s shoes, plays with dolls with girls and not at soldiers with his male mates, is at ease with the girls better than with his male mates, does not like to play football and so on.

Such situations are not indicators of sexual orientation or gender identity (feeling of being male or female) but can sometimes express forms of discomfort to integrate into the peer group, often caused by a very rigid education or simply by shyness. Adults should avoid to negatively emphasize these behaviors with attitudes amazed or worried that can really cause insecurities that are likely to remain unexpressed and unresolved.

_________

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