GAY SEX AND SEXUAL INTIMACY

Sex is not performance, it’s not about giving a show or giving demonstrations of various kinds. Real sex is not a porn movie. Sex, and I’m talking about gay sex in particular, that is, a sexual dimension that has nothing to do with procreation, is essentially shared intimacy. Such concept of sexuality is very broad and includes many things that are not sex in the strict sense, but have or can have many sexual implications. True sexual intimacy is achieved when a guy is not conditioned by his partner, in the sense that he feels neither forced nor artificially induced to have sex, but does it freely, when asking for sexual contact from his partner does not create embarrassment and does not can under no circumstances elicit perplexed or embarrassed responses, when the request for sexual contact by one’s partner is welcomed as a positive thing and of great emotional significance, when being naked together does not create anxiety or embarrassment, when physical contact is unreserved and without taboos. The only real problem in gay sex is represented by the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, but beyond this risk, which is objective and which must ALWAYS be adequately prevented, there are practically no other real problems.

Sex, all sex, is absolutely incompatible with the idea of ​​domination, oppression or exploitation of the other. In gay sexual relations the rule of equality of partners is absolutely fundamental. Anyone who tries to use sex as a means of domination and control of another person or simply behaves by inducing forms of subordination or fear in the other, even unconsciously, should understand that those purposes and those behaviors are the denial of sexuality, which is a profound participation in the life of the other, in his anxieties and problems, that is, in the life of the other as a whole, because the entire personality of an individual is reflected in sex. And this is why living sexuality well brings enormous benefits not only to the tone of mood,but to the person’s overall balance and general state of health.

Sharing sexuality, when it is authentic and reciprocal, lowers anxiety levels and helps to face the problems of ordinary life together, because it creates a solid bond, a relationship of trust and esteem between two people who support each other and can participate in each other’s decisions by also expressing a different point of view, which never hurts.

Accepting the idea that compromises must be reached and that peaceful coexistence is basically the art of compromise is an indication of maturity, but if it is easy to accept compromises on questions of objectively very relative weight, the more a choice implies profound levels of a person’s affectivity, the more difficult it becomes to accept compromises. We can easily accept the idea of ​​going on a Sunday with a friend to see a film even if we are not interested in the film, but it is morally reprehensible to accept marrying one woman instead of another in order to obtain economic or career advantages. By morally reprehensible, I mean that such a choice is not only theoretically immoral but ends up negatively affecting all of life. In essence, immoral choices seem to bring advantages, or perhaps they objectively bring immediate benefits, but in the long run they are paid for and often very heavily. Mixing sexual interest with interests of another nature, that is, with interests linked to the search for economic or social advantages, means subordinating a fundamental emotional choice to the achievement of purposes that appear fundamental but are not at all. Those who devalue sexuality by subordinating it to non-affective ends deny an essential part of themselves in the name of ephemeral interests, that is, they subordinate the essential to the marginal.

Sexuality should not be mythologized or decontextualized, precisely because it is relational, it does not exist in the abstract but only in specific situations. Experiences related to sexuality are lived in a strictly personal way and depend on the relationship with another specific individual. What we lived with Titius has nothing to do with what we can or could live with Caius. It is precisely for this reason that defining rules of sexual behavior has essentially no meaning. There is no manual of sexuality beyond the one fundamental rule that sexuality must be a form of love. The only true rules of sexual behavior are in fact only corollaries of that fundamental rule.

Abstract rules, such as strict monogamy, the at least tendential definitiveness of the bond and therefore its irrevocability or its difficult revocability, the need for coexistence, the socialization of the relationship, etc. etc., are merely attempts to pigeonhole an affective relationship within categories similar to those that are taken for granted, although not always, in the context of marriage. That those rules may have no use and may even be an obstacle in the sphere of marriage, obviously heterosexual, has already been recognized on a social level, through the introduction of divorce, which among other things is an institution as old as the world, at least in countries where the law has retained its substantial secularity, that is, it was seen as an organization of the existing and not as a form of indirect imposition of behaviors deemed right a priori. In the heterosexual field there is the objective problem of protecting the interests of the children and a regulation of marriage has a motivation in any case. Basically, the real problem in that area is the definition of the limits within which the legislator can operate. In the context of homosexual relationships, if we refer to the protection of children, where there are any, we can only refer to the same discipline that regulates heterosexual relationships, because the interest to be protected is that of minors and not that of adults, but when there are no children, as still happens today in the vast majority of cases, in a secular state no restrictive intrusion by the legislator is admissible, while any intervention aimed at guaranteeing equal treatment with heterosexual couples for partners in homosexual unions who intend to legally formalize their relationship is a duty.

Obviously one thing is the substance of the couple relationship and another thing is its legal formalization, which is not an obligation but a right that must be the object of a shared choice by the two partners, but, it must be emphasized, it must only be the formalization of something that already exists. The couple relationship is not established with marriage or with any other legal instrument and, indeed, it can be said that the formalization of the relationship does not in any case constitute a prop to keep a shaky union standing or to create an emotional bond. In a gay couple sharing sexual intimacy is an absolutely primary and free fact, it is not a rational choice or decision that takes into account predictable advantages and disadvantages. The sharing of sexual intimacy, if it is not absolutely spontaneous and instinctive, is the result of a more or less violent forcing or self-forcing and for this very reason it is born spoiled by a lack of spontaneity and is destined not to produce positive effects.

Experience teaches that just as a straight guy is not attracted to all women, so a gay guy is not attracted to all men and, indeed, the vast majority of men are completely indifferent to him, because sexual attraction only arises towards a few or very few people. It is only with those people that one experiences a true form of sexual involvement, only with those people, if one gets to know them better, is it possible to experience forms of true sexual excitement. If the attraction is mutual then the idea of ​​sharing sexuality becomes a real possibility.

It should be emphasized that the traditional formula according to which well-matched couples, which would be better defined as stable couples, must be formed by individuals who are very similar to each other, is a classic preconception that has no correspondence in reality. There are no a priori parameters that allow predicting the greater or lesser stability of a hypothetical couple based on the mere observation of the two hypothetical partners separately from each other. Sexuality is relational and stable couples often find “their motivation” in things that seen from the outside have very little or no meaning at all. The reasons why a couple lasts over time are inherent to that single couple and cannot be generalized.

However, one element is recorded almost constantly when a new and true couple bond is formed: when a guy feels attracted to another and realizes that the other shares the same feelings, the involvement is total and both feel the feeling of starting a “new life” a life together. It is not said that these sensations are destined to last over time, because instinctive interest often arises on the basis not of serious reciprocal knowledge but of projections of what one desires, projections which one sometimes risks confusing with reality. The guy who sexually attracts me is beautiful, very serious, very good, very spontaneous, very much in love with me, etc. etc. Naturally these assumptions of principle will then have to deal with reality, but, if, even redimensioned, they will basically remain standing, perhaps leading to a conclusion like: “He has his flaws, but I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else!” and similar assessments will also have been made by the other partner, one can only acknowledge that a couple has in fact formed.

Couple means mutual freedom, mutual esteem, mutual knowledge without taboos and sharing of sexuality, this is where the difficult part begins, because, I stress, in this case sharing means sharing without reservations, without gray areas, without omissions. There is no real esteem for your partner if you don’t consider him capable of fully understanding your point of view and your experience, I am talking about understanding, not necessarily sharing, but, mind you, to understand behaviors of an individual, you must not adopt a judgmental attitude and at least you must have respect for what youe dom’t share. Not sharing does not mean judging negatively but only not experiencing the same things firsthand.

Sharing sexuality is a form of mutual trust. Each partner confides very private aspects of his person to the other, which is possible only when there is deep mutual esteem. Obviously this entrusting presupposes absolute confidentiality on the part of the partner. The violation of confidentiality is always an irresponsible behavior, but when it comes to sexuality it is particularly unpleasant for the partner and if the violation of confidentiality is fully conscious and wanted, it represents a hateful form of aggression that makes the continuation of the relationship unthinkable. What is known in the context of a couple relationship, and not a generic relationship of a social nature, must remain strictly within the context of that couple relationship. The violation of this principle of confidentiality, even towards parents or siblings, is intolerable and does not admit of any justification. Similarly, couple problems must be resolved within the couple, other people can also be called upon to intervene but only if both partners agree, otherwise the privacy of the couple would be violated and one of the two partners would see the trust placed in the partner heavily betrayed.

Sharing sexuality means finding a balance, i.e. a compromise between different ways of experiencing sexuality. The less the two partners’ visions of sexuality are compatible, the more complex the search for balance will be. I emphasize that I did not speak of identity or similarity but of compatibility. Two people can have distinct views on sexuality that are, however, perfectly compatible. Maintaining balance is not always easy and moments of crisis exist. A solid couple is not a couple immune to moments of crisis, but a couple that manages to find sufficient motivation within themselves to overcome the crisis and proceed further.

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THE CHARM OF A MAN

Hi Project,

yesterday I spent a beautiful day (and night) with my boyfriend, it doesn’t happen very often, but yesterday I fully lived the experience of feeling the charm of a man, not of a boy, because we’ve known each other for a long time and now we’re not more guys. The charm of a man is, in his unpredictable side, in not following a script, in the fact that he can surprise you with behaviors you would never expect, in saying no clearly but without hurting you and also in the fact that he is capable of valuing you more than you do yourself starting from things different from those to which you are used to attributing a meaning. 

The charm of a man lies in knowing how to be not only ironic but also self-deprecating, in being overwhelming in sex without putting you in difficulty, in knowing how to move from sex to convincing and rational reasoning, without pointing out your weaknesses. The charm of a man lies in knowing how to awaken you sexually when you are most refractory and in saying no, if he can’t, but only for a postponement, when you have more desire for him. 

A man fascinates you when he attracts you from every point of view, when he can be calm and controlled in society and he can be free and fiery in private, when he can make you understand that he is more comfortable with you than you think. The charm of a man lies in an unexpected intimate gesture, in a lightening smile, in abandoning himself when he is with you to an absolute spontaneity held back only by the idea of not putting you in difficulty. The charm of a man is truly such when he is not always compliant or dominant with you, when he knows how to tease you gently, when he stops to reason with you but not to be right necessarily, when he lets you know he cares about you. 

You feel the charm of a man when you understand that he knows what he wants, that he goes his own way and that way naturally meets yours, when you know that you don’t have to convince him of anything, that that very rare chemical combination, which is called mutual attraction, with him it has been realized and will not be just a gust destined to vanish. You don’t catch a man’s charm at first sight, it’s not the effect of a stroke of lightning, you catch a man’s charm over time, you catch it in the certainty of his presence, in the reciprocity that manifests itself in deeds. 

A man doesn’t fascinate you with his words but with his behavior, with his dignity, with not denying his responsibilities and mistakes, with not keeping a foot in two shoes, with always telling the truth, even if it’s unpleasant. A man fascinates you with his morality and his sexuality, because even in the utmost sexual freedom there is a morality. The charm of a man is in his solidity, in the fact that you don’t expect him to turn around, you don’t expect double-dealing or ambiguity. A man fascinates you because he’s not afraid to lay bare in front of you, body and soul, and he expects the same from you. 

A man fascinates you because he knows how to bind you with his fidelity, which is not necessarily sexual fidelity, but it is the constancy in loving you, because he doesn’t expect anything from you beyond what you are and what you can give, because he never forces you, because he seeks a balance with you, because he values you as a person even when he’s convinced you’re doing something stupid, because he doesn’t lose his temper and doesn’t take revenge, because he’s capable of bringing out the best in you. A man fascinates you because he speaks little and what he says is never banal. 

A man fascinates you because he doesn’t abandon you, because he knows how to adapt to you, because he sees value in you and understands the meaning of what you say to him beyond words, because he knows how to listen to you and lets you enter his life, he doesn’t hide from you because he is not afraid of you and of feeling judged by you. You feel the charm of a man very strongly in his being caressed, more than in his caressing, in his sharing even the most intimate aspects of his life with you, in his not judging you, in his making you understand that he loves you without telling you, in his trusting you. 

All this is not theory, but the synthesis of 18 years of shared life even without cohabitation. It was precisely the absence of external constraints that helped us stay together. The only reason for staying together was that we loved each other. When I was a boy I didn’t know what to expect from life, but at 40 I can say that life has given me much more than I could have dreamed of, it has given me a companion, a friend, a lover who has made me happy. It wasn’t all easy, but he never failed. I was lucky, I can’t deny it, but I can tell you that I feel light and serene inside because I have found a man who fascinates me in the deepest sense.

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GAY DIARY 2021

I

Falling in love with a guy is not a dream, I can’t even say if it’s desirable. Of course, first it all seems like a dream, then you realize that it is not even your thing, it is something that has its own logic that you don’t control and often don’t even understand, you realize that you are a part of a larger mechanism that it is not at your service and that, once you are inside, you can only go with the flow, which takes you wherever it wants. I love you, I don’t even know whether to say it’s true, maybe it is but in my own way that is probably very far from your way of conceiving these things. It is good together, it is good for a while, there is also sex in the middle, I don’t know if there is really on both sides the idea of building something in two. A guy, indeed a handsome guy is like a box, you see the outside you like, but you don’t know what’s inside the box, you don’t know if you’ll like what’s inside, if that box really opens in front of you. Fears, after all, are mental reserves, they are forms of prudence that come from the fact that you don’t really know what you want or rather who you want, after all it is a choice in the dark, and for you it is the same, you too see the outside and I think sooner or later you will realize that the contents of the box are not worth much. I should be happy to have found a guy, a handsome guy who “maybe” is interested in me, but I don’t feel overwhelmed by feelings but rather by uncertainties. Having some sex, as good as it may be, just means having some sex. I wonder why we got to this point, if by inertia, by chance, or just because each of us had our dreams of doing it with a guy and by chance that guy was me for you, but he could have been anyone else. After sex, and especially after an evening like the one we have just spent together, one should feel happy, enthusiastic, but no, I feel worried, I think maybe it would have been better if this whole story had never existed. In a sense it was nice, but in the end it is only an experience and we must be careful not to consider it a fundamental achievement, maybe it can happen again, but it will not be a basic choice of life. I know that you will leave, that it was only a moment, it is difficult to accept but in the end it can only be accepted. Even a moment can be beautiful and shouldn’t be thrown away, it’s just a moment. We do not have a life in common, which doesn’t exist for anyone, we shared a few moments, then each one will continue on his own path that is already marked.

II

Dignity is your main virtue, but dignity is, even if not above all, detachment, separation, the de facto claim of absolute autonomy. I understand that you claim your freedom, and you do very well to do so! And you do it gracefully and decisively at the same time. I had set out to never say no to you but also not to look for you and not because I don’t like your presence but because on the one hand I wouldn’t want you to consider me as a burden and on the other, if this happens, it would really bother me. Then it is better to disappear first, slowly, rather than knocking on the door of someone who doesn’t answer.

III

Every now and then, when you can’t find anything better, you look for me too, you say it’s not like that, but in the end the pauses between our meetings become so long that they appear to be the prelude to a definitive goodbye, or rather to a disappearance without goodbye. Maybe we have only a physical communication, or at least we have had it, then everyone remains closed in on himself, I behave this way, we behave this way together, we play the part of lovers together once in a while and then everything returns as before and another very long pause starts again. You have your dignity, I have my prudence and it’s all over before we start. Only sex remains, which is still liberating, at least up to a certain point, but then the parenthesis closes and we return to real life. I know absolutely nothing about your real life, beyond a few names. We just have to wait for it to end by itself.

IV

I’m pleased when I hear from you, in the minutes we spend on the phone on the one hand I’m glad that you are still there and on the other I’m afraid that talking to me could take you further away, or further highlight that I have been only a moment and that moment has passed, perhaps there is still a non-negative memory, but that too is fading. I like your voice. Long ago it would have seemed impossible but you are fading into my memories. You were a need and you are becoming a memory with more blurred outlines day after day. I count the days since the last call, they are now 35, that call could really be the last. Archiving is difficult, I’ll have to do it anyway, because it’s not even a choice.

V

Well, after 42 days we met again, some physical contact, to have the illusion of contact. I am left with the idea that you too are a drifter without reference points, with so many frustrations and so many resentments, so many unresolved conflicts that will remain unresolved. Our sporadic being together doesn’t help us to solve our problems, or maybe yes, who knows what we would be like if we were really alone, that is, one without the other, maybe we would be even worse than that. Tonight I had the feeling of a minimum of emotional contact that still aborts before birth, because maybe it’s not worth it. I had almost forgotten you and now it starts all over again, the count of days starts again, mine is a life made up of expectations, yours I don’t know what it is made of, I’m afraid there aren’t even the expectations,

VI

You turned up after two weeks, we started talking a little more seriously on the phone, just a few words, more pauses than anything else, then another call came, you said: “I’ll call you back” but, according to the usual script, you didn’t call back. Our phone call lasted 4 minutes and 26 seconds, then there were other things to do.

VII

Why did you call me? You joked, you played, you even provoked. What did you have in mind? You looked like another person. Were you happy or was it just an almost neurotic outburst? Because it’s not like you to joke like that. I played the game, or what looked like a game, but the atmosphere was tense, almost a way to test how far I would follow you. I fear moments out of the ordinary, I fear unusual things, I wish they were, but I wish they were true. I was expecting you to propose to see us but it didn’t happen and the phone call ended with a brutal: “I have to go to lunch, bye”.

VIII

But why are you mad at me? I have tried never to intervene in your choices, or perhaps it seemed to me that I did not intervene. Sometimes I think you don’t listen to me and instead you listen to me, but it happens at the very wrong times, and nothing good ever comes to you. After all, we only exchange a few words, how can you feel conditioned by these things? Yes, it is true that you remember the things I say, but you remember them in your own way, you take them for criticism, for ways of dissenting or worse for incoherent sermons. If I think you did right some things, it was anyway you the one who did those things, the one who chose them, I didn’t impose anything on you, I didn’t condition you in any way. I have never judged your friends, I have not tried to distance you from anyone. Each extra word said can cause misunderstanding. I tell you positive things because I respect you and maybe I love you, even if I feel you are far away. I’m not trying to seduce you, not only I know from the beginning you were going to leave, but I think that basically it has already happened. You consider my behavior strange because I want nothing more from you than what you give me. I don’t keep you at a distance to bind you to me, you have to be free. You are a serious man even if very different from me. My frustrations are only mine, I can’t blame you for being like that. I keep thinking about you but in another way, I miss you, at least in a sense I miss you, but I no longer have the desire to build something with you that is different from what already exists (and something exists), the rest just doesn’t it makes sense because it doesn’t exist. You once asked me about some friends of mine that you thought were my ex-boyfriends, but you too are my friend and you are not my boyfriend, you never were, you never felt like my boyfriend and, in my opinion, you did very well, both for you and for me. Friends, even a little distant, we really are, the rest is just some sex, which I don’t think was ever exciting for you either, that was just the cover for something more complicated and more convoluted that I can’t understand completely, it is that something that is not clear that is probably the real motivation of our relationship, that produces conflicts and problems that are not typical of friendship. I wonder what you think of me, if you’ve ever asked yourself the problem, sometimes I think you identify me with other people who have had a real weight, I don’t know if positive or negative, in your life, and that’s why maybe I am worth more as a symbol than as a person. Sometimes I thought that you saw things in me that never really were, both in the negative and in the positive. In any case, the image you have of me is largely a figment of your imagination and I could say more or less the same about the image I have of you. Who knows what you would say if you read this diary. Would you take me for a delusional who fills the notebooks with absurd meditations? Or maybe you would wonder why I write these things? Only one thing is certain, I’ll never know.

IX

I haven’t heard from you for a very long time, now I don’t count the days anymore. Sometimes you come back to my memory, I think that if you have disappeared it means that you are fine and that my function is now exhausted and this thing lifts my spirits. Would I like to go back and restart our story again? No. I say that without an exclamation point. Thinking about you happy, or at least more serene, reassures me. Who knows if we will meet again. The meaning of things can often not be understood. It’s okay to forget me but I wouldn’t want you to remember me in a negative way. Having had a negative influence would morally crush me.

X

When I heard your voice, I challenged all the certainties that I had built up in so many days. I must admit my wrongs: I didn’t trust you, I let my thoughts run on the usual negative tracks and I took for granted things that seemed obvious to me but were not. The pause was particularly long and therefore anxious but it was just a pause, but I couldn’t realize it and I ran to the wrong conclusions, and basically it was a pause that you didn’t even want. You have not forgotten about me, it seems almost impossible but you are still here, we are still here. That labile and problematic relationship still exists, it hasn’t fallen apart. We talked more than usual and in a very quiet way, I don’t know if you were happy to hear from me but at least it seemed to me that  you were. At this point even this prudence seems to me out of place, if not completely stupid. You told me that one of these days you will come to see me and I was happy with it, I did not expect a similar speech that was undoubtedly welcome. All the talk, mine and yours, came spontaneously and I wasn’t afraid to say wrong things. I cannot deny that I’m happy. It’s amazing how a phone call can change a person’s mood.

It is true, I had given space to my fears, but you have not disappeared, your presence is direct and simple today as in the end it has always been, while I was only inclined to read the worst in your talks, I interpreted your behaviors as destructive, I projected the worst of myself into you, I lived my relationship with you as a relationship between the worst of me and what I believed to be my best and weakest side, I was killer and victim of myself, in you I embodied the indifferent and destructive spirit that I carry inside me, but you are not the worst side of me, you are another person, luckily you are another person. What drew me to you was your weakness and your availability, under a rough skin. The mistake is to project oneself into the other without trusting him, because this seems the best and almost obligatory choice, it is basically a way of believing oneself better, to think that you understand everything, that you are the paradigm of everything. Today I was happy because I realized that you are not my double in the negative but you are better than me, you have your flaws, but you are different from me and you can understand things that I cannot understand and feel things that I cannot feel. The pauses, even the very long ones, were not a prelude to anything, your claiming your freedom didn’t hide any attempt at abandonment. After all, what is the point of asking if you are or are not my boyfriend? You remember me, you look for me, you are the one who looks for me, I just want to be sought. Thinking about you takes me away from the sense of emptiness. You had patience with me because you saw something good in me, not something strange but something good. After all, our relationship has deep roots, I didn’t look for other guys, you did it and I always considered it well done and I pushed aside, but our relationship never got lost, I didn’t want it to be lost, even if I feared it, but it was you who actually prevented our relationship from getting lost in thin air. When words were difficult and complicated between us there was the physicality that spoke. I’ve never wanted another guy, I just wanted you, even with a problematic relationship, even with so many doubts and uncertainties, but I wanted you and no one else. You’ve had your stories but there has always been a place for me. You know that I pay attention to your words, that I try to understand you and that I’m happy when I see you. We have never acted and we have never quarreled, because the quarrel leads to detachment and we have never lost sight of each other. Today was a happy day.

XI

I’m fine with you, there is no need for too many words, together we can allow ourselves to be who we are, you a little rough and drastic, I obsessive and sticky, things that we accuse each other of but that we basically accept. I don’t even know what I can console you for but I know that you really are there and you know that some of your drastic reactions will be accepted and will not be considered destructive anyway. We put up with each other, but maybe it’s not just that. If you wanted to do without me you could very well put me on the back burner, but it never happened and it’s so from several years now. I too somehow could do without you, but I’m fine with you, I objectively think I’ve never found anyone better than you, I dream, I still think in vain, to build a future with you, but it’s a dream of my own, I dream of it because you are my private refuge, the one in which perhaps you are not 100% understood but still accepted with that rough politeness that reproaches but without being aggressive, and then your censorship is never radical, in the things I say you at least recognize my good will. You distance yourself but never go too far. Then there is sex which somehow basically represents everything else, it is the will to find a balance and we found it there much more than in words. Sometimes I’m amazed at how, in sex, everything becomes much easier and more direct, I talk about sex with you, because in other situations it didn’t happen like that at all. Intertwining hands is a gesture of extraordinary intimacy. There is nothing about you that I don’t like and I’m amazed that you find me sexually interesting. Other people also found me interesting from that point of view, but they were people who did not attract me, with you the extraordinary thing was the reciprocity, something that I had never experienced with anyone. Hugging you tightly, feeling that you are really there and that you are comfortable with me is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Spontaneity and simplicity at the same time create the profound union of two people. You have allowed me to have a place in your most intimate world and this no one has ever done as you did, without reservations and without hesitation.

XII

You don’t just have me, you also have other guys and it’s not for a sexual outburst, you have other guys you love and I see it from the very few things you say about them, it’s not a whim, those guys are really important to you more or less like me. On this point I can only reflect with myself, on this I cannot have a comparison with you. Is exclusivity important to the point of influencing everything else? Of course it is an underlying desire that is very difficult to keep under control. Honestly I don’t have the impression that you love me less because you have other stories, of course you have to share your time, but I’ve always known this. Do I feel jealous? Frankly no. There is no couple relationship between you and me, I don’t feel betrayed or disappointed, everything was clear from the beginning, no lies, no dust under the carpet, and I don’t even think you’ve experienced your stories as conflicting stories. So I should put the problem aside and just forget about it. Even thinking that you can have sexual contact with other guys doesn’t upset me, because it has certainly happened several times since we met and you have never denied it and in any case we have maintained an authentic emotional relationship with a sexuality that doesn’t seem to me minimally conditioned by either side. Maybe I would like a little more of your time, even though I know this would be a form of selfishness. If I have never worried about these problems before why should I worry about them now? I don’t have serious, objective reasons to get myself into such problems, even if underneath I tend to interpret our relationship as something that could (should) become exclusive. I know it will never happen but getting such an idea out of the brain is not that easy. Of one thing I am sure: the absence of exclusivity would never lead me to undermine our relationship.

XIII

I spent a wonderful evening with you! I would say far beyond my expectations. There is only one element that worries me and that is the hypothesis that you have mentioned that you can go to work abroad. You mentioned it en passant, as something that could “also” happen, let’s say as a remote eventuality. I was afraid to push the speech further and I was silent. You love your job, no problem with it, but you also love some people, including me. If you leave, you don’t just put me aside, but pretty much all the people who really matter to you, at least that’s what I see. Work is important, I understand it but a qualitative leap in work would lead you to emotional loneliness. You could certainly create an alternate world elsewhere, this is undeniable but it would take years as it took years for you to create the world you have here. In short, I didn’t have the courage to tell you what I think and I don’t like that. I shouldn’t anymore be afraid to tell you what I think and instead that fear is still there.

XIV

Another wonderful evening with you and without any mention of a possible change of job. From what you say it seems to me that in the job you have now you feel very comfortable. Again I preferred to shut up. I would have gladly asked you for some more clarification on the hypothetical departure but this time too I was afraid and I don’t like this. Tomorrow or in any case as soon as possible I have to try to address the issue. Maybe it’s best to wait until the next time we meet. Damn! I still let myself be influenced by you!

XV

Really beautiful evening with you. I found the courage and immediately tackled the job issue. You told me that the possibility of going abroad had vanished, I had already understood this from the fact that you hadn’t talked about it anymore, then I asked you “But if the chance hadn’t vanished and the possibility of leaving had really been there, would you have accepted?” You said to me with a smile: “Luckily I didn’t have to choose, but if I had to, I think I wouldn’t have left, because I don’t just have a job here …” Then we had sex and it was a very beautiful, very tender thing, with some smile and a few chuckles when it suited the situation. Our relationship, seen from the outside, is incomprehensible but for us it has an enormous value! And I really mean for us, not just for me!

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GAY COUPLES BETWEEN HIGH AND LOW

Hi Project, it’s just a week that my story ended with the guy I’ve considered my boyfriend for years, or something similar. Last Sunday we met and we reached the break, with very few words, there wasn’t   any need for words .

Today it’s the first Sunday I spend alone. It makes me feel weird to be alone, but I don’t miss him, if he were here, in all likelihood we would be staring at each other, meditating recriminations of various kind on both sides. Now I’m alone, but I’m no longer pestered and I think he sees things more or less the same way from his own point of view. As for me I’m fine this way, as for him, he certainly will  not remain alone.

Project, I’m over 40, he’s a little younger and maybe he feels like starting over or he’s fine too, now that I’m still on vacation I prefer to sleep a lot, to rest, I want to avoid thinking and above all dreaming, because the vice of dreaming and projecting led me not to see or rather not to understand the meaning of what I was told in all sorts of ways, that is: “I don’t want a relationship with you but only sex!” Basically the message was clear, but I said to myself: “He says so, but this is not what he thinks within himself…”

But when two guys are looking for different things, what can they do? Obviously we exploit each other, he is with me only for sex and I adapt, I play the part of the lover, but in fact I’m disappointed because I don’t find what I’m looking for and he, at his turn, allows me to carry on at least a little bit of my script, and in the end we are discontented in two.

We tried other times to break up our relationship, but then, a little bit him and a little bit me, we ended up adapting … once, twice, three times … and each time the situation seemed worsened. Eventually we realized that we were each looking at things exclusively from his own point of view. He tells me that I’m selfish, that I don’t take into account his needs and it may be true, but he doesn’t realize that he does exactly the same things and even worse, he demands, scolds, judges, he always feels a notch higher of me, he always has the ready and cutting answer on everything, but he doesn’t understand that his logic only makes sense to him.

I think that to get along you have to find and value what is really common between two people, without trying to impose your own models of life on your partner. He is not exactly declared 100% but almost, and it seems intolerable to him that one could try to defend one’s privacy. He has a taste for almost aggressive and certainly disturbing provocation.

One evening in the pizzeria there was a lot of people and he starts talking, I don’t say aloud but in a way that you could hear, about sexual things,  not on a theoretical level, but just addressing me in first person and putting me in an absurd embarrassment. I motioned him to stop but he continued to challenge me, to see how far he could pull the rope … and I left, because in public a minimum of respect is needed. It took us 15 days to get over this misunderstanding, if we want to call it so, and in the end we got back together but I’ll never go get pizza with him again.

If I propose him something that he knows I care very much, he calmly tells me that he will not do it because he will never do a thing to please other people. After all, I just asked him to accompany me to buy a bicycle, but he didn’t and he stressed a lot that he didn’t. This really bothered me, because it is a way of asserting oneself, of asserting one’s power, it is the pleasure of saying no.

When he leaves my house, if I ask him to text me when he gets home, he replies that he won’t send me  anything because asking for a text message for fear that he may not get home makes no sense.

Another thing I can’t stand is the tendency not to understand that one can really be afraid of sexually transmitted diseases, if you want to get to certain behaviors or you have a condom or it’s better to avoid, he can’t stand this, he tells me that I treat him as if he had the plague. I tell him that if he goes with other people it seems obvious to me to be cautious and he gets angry and leaves without saying a word and slamming the door (not too forcefully). On the things of sex he insists, I tell him no, but he doesn’t understand and insists, to the point of becoming unbearable.

Now all this is over or seems over, because things like this have happened many times in the past and then we have stitched them up. This time it seems that we are really at the end, but you never know. If this is the definitive break I will put my soul in peace, but if it is not definitive, I don’t know how to go on … because sooner or later (very soon) everything will start again as before, he will get angry, we will come to mutual accusations, and I, again, I can’t wait to be alone.

I expect him to take the first step and I mean a step back, then it will end in inevitable verbal scuffle between us, followed by reconciliation. I have to admit that he is always the one who seeks reconciliation, and this relieves me of the risk of him saying no to me. Of course, even though I know things will continue as before, I always tell him yes, and so we are all over again. I don’t know if all couples are like that.

Many times I wished to be alone, but I ended up staying with him anyway. He also has other friends (and not only friends) who keep him company, and it could have been convenient for him to get rid of a ball and chain like me (because that’s how he says he sees me), but in the end he always tried reconciliation by his own initiative . They are complex dynamics.

The way he does things irritates me, it makes me angry. He says that I live with a lot of stupid fears, that I’m full of complexes, that I always run away, that I don’t speak clearly.

We both have very valid reasons for wanting to free from each other, to free ourselves from a companion, a partner, a particular friend, who doesn’t correspond to our standards but in the end we remain glued to each other.

He says that every time I speak about to get rid of our story I do it just to gain some space, because I would never find another guy like him! Will he show up again this time? I think so and maybe I also hope so … we’ll see.

____________________

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A HAPPY GAY MAN

Hi Project,
there are moments in life when you understand that your choices were the right ones and that you were right to follow your path, that is your instinct, to the end, without being distracted by anything or anyone. At nearly 40, I feel like a happy man. I’ve been in love with a guy for years, sometimes being near him kept me anxious, sometimes I didn’t know what to do, but now, 15 years later, I think our story was not the fulfillment of my wishes but I would say a lot more. He made me understand what it means to love each other. 

Lately our relationship is something indescribably beautiful, we love each other, between us there is an excellent sexual understanding, I never thought that such happiness could have been achieved. I’ve always been looking for guys, but it had never happened to me that someone really fell in love with me, that is, that he loved me as “he” did. My happiness is not my merit, I tried to escape, to get away, sometimes I did not understand him and I was almost afraid of him, but he has curbed my escapes with sweetness, he is a truly unique man, with a sweetness that displaces you, he is generous, when we are making love and he looks into my eyes I melt and I think I never imagined I could find someone like him. 

I had had other guys, but for both them and me it was a way to fill the time, it was a way to build a relationship because then I had the myth of the gay relationship and I had other myths of various kinds in mind too, in layman’s terms, I didn’t understand anything about love. I have my limits and my flaws, I’ve never been a nice guy, at best passable, normal, but nothing more, but he fell in love with me just the same. He understands me, he knows that I have my limits and he accepts them, when he is with me he is fine with me and I see it not only when we make love, but also when we talk about something else. He feels that I love him and there are moments of intense communication between us. 

When we met we both felt a powerful attraction made of sex but also of personal esteem, he seemed interested in me above all for sex, I, even if I tended to run away because I thought he would never take me seriously, I was strongly attracted to him because I saw that he instead took me seriously in an absolutely unique and special way, even if apparently everything seemed to be based on sex, besides, he was my ideal model of guy and I instinctively felt that I wouldn’t want anyone else if I couldn’t be with him. 

At first, being with him seemed like the classic pipe dream, because he’s not only handsome, but he’s sweet and he’s a man, not a puppet, he has his own brain and soul that make you fall in love. I have always been in love with him, but at the beginning with some hesitation and anxiety, now instead I feel totally fulfilled, you know, precisely those things of physical instinct, when one strikes you deeply, because perhaps what amazed me most it was the fact that he was really attracted to me, and it was the first time I ever felt attracted to a guy who really wanted me. It was as if there was something between us that prevented any possible breakup of our relationship, whatever happened there could be a break but never a breakup. He never forgot about me, anyhow I always let him free and kept myself a bit on the sidelines, but he always looked for me.

We have had our stories with other guys but none of these stories have ever really pushed us away from each other. Over the years, slowly and not without jolts, but progressively more and more seriously, I learned from him the value of sexuality, which I tended to belittle and he learned from me that saying “I love you” may not be a saying. We progressively adapted to each other, we learned from each other and we kept our relationship strong even in the difficult moments that were inevitable, because we both had other ideas on our minds at the time, then we did not have the perception that what held us together would become the determining force of our life. 

Then, month after month, and even day after day, so many other things that previously seemed fundamental vanished as our relationship strengthened because we realized how important we were to each other, that is because we realized the fact that relationships with other guys could falter and collapse, but our relationship would have remained strong and would never collapse because we really loved each other. I feel him extraordinarily close, being with him seems to me the most beautiful thing in the world. 

When he calls me I feel in Heaven just seeing his name on the smartphone screen, I feel happy just hearing his voice, when he comes to see me I feel transported into a dimension of total involvement and at the same time I don’t feel anxiety but only a sense of gratification, because there is no longer the fear that something could go wrong, because now misunderstandings are a memory of the past that little by little has vanished into the mists of memory. Note that we are not dependent on each other, we are not attached like oysters to the rock, we are totally free, even if we love each other. 

Freedom and loving each other are two things that can coexist very well. Our love is not a kind of half loving each other. I am deeply in love with him, he does not use these words, but when we are together he feels totally involved, understood and accepted and I can see it clearly, he feels at ease, he does not play a script, now I am part of his daily life as he is part of mine, but this means that I consider him as a part of me and I see that I’m really important to him.

At the beginnings, he did not like gestures of tenderness, or better he accepted them and perhaps he desired them but he didn’t like to put such gestures in practice himself, now he has learned to understand them and has developed his own non-verbal affective language. It is beautiful when, remaining silent, he looks me straight in the eye as if to say: “Come closer!” or, after sex, when he stays with his eyes closed and makes the gesture of sending me a kiss or when he stares at me, squints and laughs, or when he hugs me with all the strength he has. It is beautiful when he allows me to stroke his hair or squeeze his hands tightly. It is beautiful when he calls me to propose to meet at my house, basically to have sex together, and you feel that he is happy with my clear and always positive and indeed enthusiastic response.

I trust him and he is totally aware of it, there is no need to even say it, he has never disappointed me and he has never told me one thing for another. I try to make him feel that I love him but he knows it very well. He is much taller and stronger than me but he is extremely delicate, when we shake hands he adjusts his strength to mine. In sex our mutual involvement is total, there is not  even the least embarrassment, everything is spontaneous, there is nothing due or taken for granted. When we are in bed together we don’t talk, there is no need for words, we have our own language made up of minimal gestures. After sex we stay naked on the bed talking about other things and I see him calm, determined in his facing the future but not anxious, I see him operational, rational, capable of managing problems and also of giving me confidence, and he understands how much I need it. 

Our physical contact is not only sexual, we often caress and shake hands even as a simple gesture of tenderness. Between us we don’t talk about the problems of everyday life, each of us handles his little problems as he wants, we talk about the more serious problems instead, but we don’t talk about them obsessively, but generally we don’t even need to talk, we sit on the sofa and stay hugging each other to feel each other’s warmth and to caress each other, many times this way we get to sex but many times we don’t but we feel good anyway, I know that he is there and that he wants to be there and he has the same certainties about me.

Even just five years ago, I would not have imagined our relationship developing up to this level. I wished that things could take this path but I still had doubts that it would actually happen. The past five years have been the real flowering of our relationship. I got rid of conditioning and preconceptions that held me back a lot and I saw that he was really happy, because in some way I too was making his dream come true. He radically changed my life, he was a ray of sunshine, a rush of spring that entered my world and transformed it into a beautiful world. I try to follow him, I take him as a model but above all I need his presence, I can’t wait for him to call me and come to me.

When I think the day is approaching, I polish the whole house, wax the floors, wash the window panes, iron the sheets and pillowcases and perfume them lightly, so that the day when he comes to me he can find everything perfect and in order. He encourages me not to let things go and to keep everything in order. My secret dream would be that he would stay at my house for one night, because that way he could feel my home a bit like his home, I would like to cook for him, let him find dinner ready when he gets back from work, but he lives far away and these things are difficult to put in practice. We are no longer boys and I am sorry but at 40 I can say that I am a happy man. 

____________________

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GAY COUPLES AND TENDERNESS

A strange thing happened today. He calls me and asks me if I would like him to come over, which in other words is a proposal to have sex together. That’s not the weird thing because it has been happening and also pretty regularly for years, the weird thing will be the way. I was dead tired, but I cannot deny that I missed his presence and I immediately said yes. In short, when I see his phone call appear on my smartphone … well, let’s say that it’s never indifferent to me, I’m pleased, but sometimes it makes me a little anxious, but lately the anxiety tends to disappear and the reaction is totally positive . Following the usual script, therefore, I knew more or less what I could expect, however pleasant things but with some doubts about how the evening would end, that is whether or not he would go away in a bad mood, as it had happened many times, not to say almost always, except perhaps in the very last period. On the phone he seemed to be in a pretty good mood and that encouraged me to say yes right away, and then I honestly missed him and had noticed several times during the day that he hadn’t been in touch for almost two weeks now. He arrived after half an hour and was smiling, maybe not exactly smiling, but he seemed calm, he behaved with the utmost ease, because he knows my house very well, evidently he too felt reassured by me and by the fact that I immediately said yes. In fact, if I think about it, I must say that other times I have made too many stupid problems instead of saying yes right away and this must have been one of the most frequent causes that made him change his mood. Being answered evasively to a proposal to have some sex together must be really unpleasant, however this time it didn’t happen. This time I was tired but very well disposed towards him, and in particular quite well disposed from our last meetings which I liked a lot and left a very positive impression on him too. In short, when he arrives, he immediately goes to the bedroom, undresses and gets under the covers, because it is actually cold in the room. I turn up the heat and go into bed too. We hug, naked against naked, is a very strong but above all very sweet sensation. I’m very impressed by that hug, because it’s very long and because it’s the first time we have hugged each other like this. In general, he doesn’t let himself go very easily to affectionate gestures of this type, then we move on, neither of us says a word but he is very sexually involved, which however, practically, almost always happens to him, after a while I begin to feel tired and I tell him that I need a break, he sits up in bed, meanwhile the air conditioner has warmed up the room a little and it is not as cold as before, I also sit in bed and ask him “How are you”, he replies: “Good.” And I can see that it’s not a way of saying.

I take his hand and kiss it. Generally he doesn’t like these gestures too much, but this time he accepts them, he has no comments, his eyes are a little red, then he closes his eyes and I lean resting my head on his shoulder. He asks me: “Would you like to continue?” He clearly refers to sex. I answer him: “Of course!” And I add that I had been waiting for his call and I wouldn’t change him with anyone else in the world and that when he’s by me I feel happy, he says nothing, comes out of bed because it starts to be hot, he stretches on the blanket and I look at him … well, he’s really very beautiful. I also go out of bed. I think maybe  in those moments some very emotional thought is crossing his mind, maybe he’s thinking about people I don’t know or I know only by name, or about some memories of when he was child or boy. I didn’t ask him questions, I just told him he had wet eyes and he made a minimum smile, then he closed his eyes. After we finished having sex, usually, he looks at his cell phone to see what time it is and tells me that he has to go right away, this time it didn’t happen, he took his cell phone, he looked at the time and said: “It’s late but I don’t feel like going away …” I told him: “Then stay here and you’ll go tomorrow morning.” He replied with a lift of eyelashes, he seemed quite possibilist, then he added: “No, tomorrow morning I must be at work very early, I really have to go home …”. But it was the first time ever that the idea that he could also sleep at my house crossed his mind. It was very late, much later than the other times, but he didn’t go immediately anyway. I caressed him a lot, something he is beginning to understand, something that at first was totally out of his mind, he replied with a very light kiss, a gesture more hinted than done and told me: “Let me go otherwise I’m too late. … when I’ll arrive at home I’ll send you an SMS so you don’t worry.” Even that of the SMS was an absolute novelty. In other moments, if I asked him a similar thing he would answer me that there was no need and it would be over, today he was he the one who proposed it. When he left I felt happy, not of the fact that he had left, it is obvious, but of all the evening spent together, it seemed like a dream, the realization of something I had wanted for years. I felt he was by me, close as it had never happened before. I felt more clear than usual that he also loves me, in fact I knew it, even if he has never been very expansive, but today I had the impression that he let himself go to some form of more spontaneous and free tenderness. When he was completely dressed to go away I watched him carefully and he was really beautiful and I felt in the seventh heaven because years ago I would never imagine an evening like today.

The man who loves me is the only man I have truly fallen in love with. With him I would never have tried anything, it seemed to me an absolutely unattainable goal, but he did it all. He understood that I would probably have run away and he prevented me, he had patience and above all he trusted me. Before knowing him I had other stories but with him it was different from the beginning, everything was much more problematic but also much more serious, when I met him, the 2.0 period of my life began, he put me in crisis but he loved me in another way, in his own way, of course, but he loved me on another level and above all he really cared about me, he never said it with words but showed it with deeds. He had to face my stupidity and my reluctance to believe that something really important could exist between us, he treated me as someone who really cares about him. It didn’t allow me to let my stupidity prevail, it broadened my horizons, it demolished my stupid myths, it made me grow, it made me understand that there were so many things that I judged but of which I understood absolutely nothing and this applies primarily to sex. Having sex with him was not a ritual, with the other guys it was all already codified, with him no, sometimes he displaced me, he gave me answers that made me freeze, they were moments that put me in crisis and that made me think I was inadequate, but all this left no trace. The next day he would call me with his way of being a bit brisk, to make sure I hadn’t taken it too badly. Sometimes he would go through moments of deep crisis and he wanted reassurance from me and asked me to go and get him in the most incredible places and at the most incredible hours, and those were emotionally intense moments for him and for me. These are things that have not happened to me with anyone else, we probably had a deep need for each other, together we felt we were building a world capable of resisting everything. Now we talk little but not out of reticence, now we understand each other at the slightest hint, it wasn’t always like this but now it is. Today I felt happy, I have not even the slightest fear of the future because he is here, for me it is a certainty, between us sex has a very particular meaning, it is something reassuring, and above all true, it has never been a game, but a form of dialogue, a way of understanding each other, at certain moments there are exchanges of glances that don’t need interpretation and that express feelings better than many words. Today, for me, the most beautiful thing was the after-sex, those twenty minutes in which you can say “I love you” maybe with other words and you feel happy because you just need to look into his eyes to understand that this expression has a value for him too. Today I tasted for the first time what living together with him could be, but there must be no pressure, because living together could also be destructive. Today that’s okay, because we really love each other. I must not want to take away his freedom, he must be free, without constraints of any kind. I feel him like my boyfriend, maybe it is not completely so, but this doesn’t matter at all, we love each other and this is the only thing that matters. In certain moments I see that he is really happy to be with me and for me it’s a great satisfaction. If I hadn’t known him, my life would have been much more empty. Today I can’t conceive of a future without him, and I’m not even afraid of losing him. Years ago I had this fear, today no more, there is deep esteem between us, I don’t see him as a sexual partner, but in a sense just as a life partner, not a casual companion, but one who chose to stay with me, and for him it was an uphill choice, but he made it, he wanted to do it and he also led me to believe it possible. I know he won’t go away and I know we won’t get tired of each other. Today I experienced moments of profound serenity and I’m already waiting for when we will meet again.

___________________

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GAY COUPLES AND POLYGAMY

Hi Project,

I’m not doing well today. I haven’t heard from Enzo (actually his name is Lorenzo) for more than 15 days . I’m not sad, basically I know that sooner or later I will heard from him again and I also know that now he has so many important things to think about, so many things that worry him and worry him a lot. When we don’t hear from each other for days we don’t even send text messages, it has always happened like this. I’m not sad and, in a sense at least, I’m not afraid of losing him, I know well that in a few days I’ll hear from him again, it has happened so dozens of times.

I’m not doing well because our relationship is not enough for me. I love him, obviously in my own way, and I also feel quite reciprocated, but I would like more from him. I wouldn’t simply want more, in the sense that if I found someone capable of giving me what I would like, I would feel at ease, I would like more from him, from him and from no one else. First of all I would like him more present but I know that I could ask him anything but this. Would I like to change his character? Well, as in many important things you want everything and the opposite of everything, I would like him to be always exactly like he is, but I would also like him somehow different, I know it’s a contradictory discourse, but that’s what I think.

His silences are often long and make me feel bad, but on the other hand I look for him very rarely, because I think he doesn’t have to feel constrained in any way, I would like him to realize that I need him. I know that he only needs me sometimes, for the rest he must feel free and I don’t have to ask him any questions and for sure I don’t ask him anything, but when he needs me, he admits it even if this makes him feel weak.

He treats me with respect and more than respect, but he’s careful to strongly emphasize his autonomy. I have asked myself many times what he really thinks of me, I think that overall his opinion is positive, even if sometimes he tries to widen the distances and certainly not to reduce them. On the other hand, I have always encouraged him to do so, that is, to feel totally autonomous. He is not my boyfriend, he has his own very complicated affective-sexual world, of which I’m a part too, it is that world that somehow gives him a push to make him go on, his wellbeing as well as his feeling bad depend on that world. That world is the small nucleus of people who are important to him, I mean who are really important.

With him concepts like boyfriend or couple are absolutely out of place, at the beginning he tried to adapt to it, but it was not for him, he lived it as a stretch, as an imposition. Enzo must be accepted as he is and I made my choice, because when he feels happy I feel happy too. He doesn’t think only of himself, he’s not at all selfish, if he cares about you, he really cares about it, but he doesn’t accept limitations to his freedom and wants to be accepted for what he really is, but when he esteems you and loves you he doesn’t let you go, he stays by you, he doesn’t forget you, he considers you just like a part of his life, not an accessory or temporary element, he doesn’t exclude you from anything, he trusts you.

When we met, but not immediately, I began to understand his way of loving. At the beginning I felt terrible, I tried many times to cut ties with him but I never did it because he didn’t let me, every time I tried and I started to give him my farewell speeches, to make him understand that I wanted to go away, he didn’t stop me, he just said to me: “Okay …”, and he didn’t seem upset in the least, then after a couple of weeks he would call me back as if absolutely nothing had happened, he was used to my goodbyes and didn’t take them seriously, in reality they weren’t goodbyes but a kind of periodic ritual confirmation and he had figured it out before I did.

He never told me he wanted to get away from me. He never told me he was in love with me, but not even that he wanted to move away, he never made scenes of detachment, without saying too many words he simply assumed that there would be no detachment anyway. Even if in a limited way, he also talks to me a little about other people who are part of his very private world, to make me understand that that world exists, that he loves me, even if he doesn’t say so explicitly, but that world exists anyway and will not disappear, and obviously exclusivity is not part of his world.

Before meeting him I had had other guys, a bit following the classic pattern of engagement and standard gay couple but it never worked, they said too many words, but I never came to understand what they really thought, they still acted on two levels, one of the things that can be said and another of those that cannot be said, and in the end I always found myself displaced because sooner or later something unexpected and unspoken came up, which was however decisive. It has never been like this with Enzo, he tells you everything, then leaves the decision to you, if you choose to stay with him you know there will be no surprises, that is, you know what you are going to encounter.

At the beginning it is unsettling, because you cannot delude yourself and you must take note that the story will not be what you dreamed of, because at the beginning one has myths and fables of all kinds in his head, then you begin to understand the meaning of his way of being. I have understood for a long time that he cannot have an exclusive relationship with me, that is, I have understood that for him it is impossible, as far as I’m concerned, things are different, for me there is only Enzo, I would say I’m essentially monogamous, I want to be with him and in order to be with him I don’t have to give up anything, he is naturally polygamous, accepting him it’s difficult but when you accept him you realize that it is a different balance but that it can work very well anyway.

In his life I don’t feel marginal, I have a specific role and this fact has lasted for years, I understand if he is good or bad from the tone of his voice on the phone and when I understand that he is fine, I’m fine too, no matter why he is fine, he can also be fine because he made love in a satisfactory way with another guy, the important thing is that he is well, that his little world is capable of making him feel good. Enzo doesn’t act, he is simply himself. In the long run, this type of relationship is creating an almost family bond between us.

Between us there is also sex, in appearance there is above all if not exclusively sex, but in reality sex is just a way to tell us that we love each other, or at least it is so for me, I tend to see him more as a brother than as a sexual partner. If there were no sex I would be sorry but I believe that, at least for me, nothing would collapse, however I think that sex is a very important component, because it was probably several times, at least at the beginning, the glue that prevented our relationship from dissolving. I have to say that the fact that he has sex with other guys creates two kinds of problems for me: first of all our sexual contacts are much less “technically sexual” than they were at the beginning, when he was trying to build a real couple relationship. This fact, paradoxical as it may seem, has caused a shift from technical sex to pampering, or rather from risky sex to pampering. Reducing, that is, practically eliminating risky behaviors was a decision that matured by itself, let’s say that we both took it for granted and I think it is also a sign of common sense on the part of Enzo, who didn’t make problems.

Psychologically, well, I can’t deny it, but to think not only that he may have been in love with another guy in the past, but that he’s presently in love with another guy, it embarrasses me a lot. I know his fantasies aren’t all about me and that’s not that easy to accept. Sometimes I imagine him in bed with another guy and such a thought upsets me a lot, but in the end this is his nature, if you want to be with Enzo it can only work if you accept that things are so, otherwise you have to find another guy who goes looking for the classic life as a gay couple, but you have to put Enzo apart. If I have to choose between Enzo and his polygamous relationships and another guy in a classic gay couple, well, I prefer to keep Enzo, because there is a real feeling with him. I have never felt betrayed by him, but by others I did.

He doesn’t use to make promises and speaks clearly, the others made fantastic promises but then the facts didn’t correspond to the words. We haven’t spent years of life together, but we have lived through several significant moments of our lives together. I know very well that he will never be all mine but in the end that’s not what matters, I remember seeing him in moments when he felt really terrible and really broken, now it’s a long time that he’s been all in all not so bad, now he makes plans and looks to the future with a positive outlook.

Sometimes I think he will do great things, which are already beginning to materialize, and I’m afraid that he can go to work far away, this would be his realization but in a sense it would also be destructive for me and for that small world that is Enzo’s vital drive, and this scares me. Even if our relationship is partial, I wouldn’t want to lose him, I would really be sorry, my life would be much grayer and I think that for him too it would be a form of sudden and violent uprooting, but it is also true that there are trains and planes and that probably nothing would collapse, but that episodic contact that exists now would also be lost and it would be a blow to both of us. Our it’s a real, direct, personal contact, not via the internet. Falling in love is beautiful, but tremendously difficult.

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GAY COUPLES IN BED WITH OR WITHOUT TROUSERS ON? – PRAISE OF MY GAY PARTNER

Dear Project,
you perhaps are wondering why I put a title on the email and why I didn’t write “praise of my boyfriend”. First of all because he doesn’t like to feel somebody’s boyfriend, then because he’s no longer a boy, he’s 43, and then because he deserves praise.

I have never had an easy character, I do a lot of small talk, I’m very picky, I split hairs but I always postpone decisions and I’m afraid of everything, that is, I prefer to avoid deciding when I can. I have to admit that there were some guys running after me, I mean they were pretty interested in me, actually those guys weren’t more than five or six, including those who passed like meteors, but of those few guys I always got tired after a short time and they left because they saw me faded and not very participatory. You can understand what real chances I had of finding a true boyfriend. In practice I probably was neither looking for a real boyfriend. I was not closed in principle to such things but they were only eventualities that I was not “concretely” looking for.

Then he enters my life, several years ago now. He’s two years younger than me, but he looks much younger. We know each other at university, we attend the same degree course but I’m in the third year and he has just enrolled. I had noticed him because he was really beautiful, or at least I liked him a lot, he had begun to chat with me, because usually, when you know nobody at all, you start to chat  with the guy who is just nearby, then those five minutes of chat became ten, then twenty, then I asked him where he lived and I told him that I would gladly accompany him home, he smiled at me and said “Thank you!” It all started like this, he didn’t live near the university and so we spent at least 20-25 minutes together every day.

He used to talk to me about his studies, what he wanted to do “when he grew up”, etc. etc., I, in turn, told him about the courses of the following years, the professors and the exams. We didn’t use to talk about personal things, but the habit of accompanying him home become a rule. We couldn’t study together because we had to attend courses of different years but we were fine together. The conversation between us was usually more meaningful for omissions than for admissions, we never talked about girls, what obviously was very significant. We certainly had something in common: never in the disco, we thought above all about studying and building a future, we both felt a certain impatience for our family environment, and above all we were well together.

We started seeing each other also on Sunday morning, officially for cultural reasons but basically just to be together. We were only together in the morning, then at lunchtime I would take him back home because we had to study in the afternoon. Between us a very particular exchange of smiles was very common, on Sunday mornings we played like two kids, we talked nonsense and laughed at everything. I remember that there was an advertising poster of the “consorcio” tuna that he read emphasizing the separation between  the words “con-socio” (that in Italian mean “with a mouse”), and started to laugh and the laughter became unstoppable!

Time passed, the situation was pleasant, very pleasant, but it did not evolve. Obviously I had done more than a little thought about him, but I had a thousand psychological problems, for me sex was just a matter of fantasy, I had the idea of being able to really try it but I rejected it with a lot of pseudo-arguments, from the fear of diseases, to the fact that I would have disappointed him, up to moral scruples of various kinds, a residue of my Catholic upbringing, in the sense that I thought that somehow having sex with him would have been a bit like making him have a negative experience, let’s say how to dirty him a little etc. etc .. He, in theory, did not know that I was gay, as I did not know about him, we had never explicitly told about, but, after six months, only an idiot could have had doubts and I had them and I felt like an idiot.

I have begun to have doubts like Hamlet: do I tell him or do I not tell him? But I didn’t tell him anyway. I didn’t ask myself what he could think (which would have been the healthiest thing), I thought about what I could or could not do myself and that’s it, but in this way the situation didn’t go on. Then we started talking about things a little more personal and I started to be afraid that he was going to put me on the corner, but he didn’t, he exposed himself first and told me a half story with a friend of his, who that did not even look at him, but that he liked a lot, in practice this was his coming out. In that situation it is obvious that you have to tell him about you too and I did and I said, “I’ve never been with a guy, but I guess I’m not ready for these things yet. “The morning ended just like all the previous Sundays, I accompanied him back home and we said goodbye, I noticed that this time we didn’t shake hands, as we always did, but he smiled at me looking into my eyes and said: “Today I’m very happy” and I replied: “Me too”.

Project, at that point one would expect the story should go further, he probably expected it, but I would have gladly driven back, I would have liked to cancel that Sunday morning, because by now I had taken a step with no return and I would have liked not to have done it. It is paradoxical, you are finally in the condition that would lead you to have sex with the guy you dreamed of, because for me he was really at the top, the others were less than zero in comparison, and instead you are afraid and try to postpone, to take time, to avoid any decision. After all, it was he the one who had decided coming out, as usual I would not have done anything, and I wondered what I would have done if he had tried to take another step forward. Here the temptation was great, but so was the fear.

His attempts were very cautious and gradual. The first time he deliberately touched my hand to have a minimum of physical contact with me, I pulled it back, then he repeated the gesture and I let him do, I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to go further but I also wanted to leave. I tried to explain, but he was perplexed, he didn’t understand, my behavior seemed absolutely absurd to him, let’s say pathological.

We both lived with our parents, so we couldn’t see each other in the house and obviously, in the car, on Sunday mornings, we could get to hold hands a bit, which we had come to, not without stupid problems on my part and not without anger immediately suppressed on his part. Of course, however, we could not go beyond that level and I must say that this reassured me. I was very excited when I was with him, even just holding each other hands, and he was very excited too.

One Sunday he asks me if I would like to spend a weekend with him, I ask him if he means even sleeping together and he says yes, and I begin to procrastinate as usual, to not answer and pretend nothing is happening and to be distracted, he insists and I tell him I don’t feel like it. He makes a face of disappointment and tells me: “Okay, I understand …” opens the door of the car and leaves. I realize, years later, that he must have felt very discomforted and deceived, because in practice I had refused him. On the other hand, at first I felt like a great man, a moral hero who had said no to him because he really loved him, beyond sex! But then already after an hour I missed him very much, I thought he would never look me in the face again. I was aware  that perhaps not only I had not done anything good for him but I had offended him in a very profound way. But even in this situation I didn’t pick up the phone to tell him how I felt, I kept for myself my discomfort and also my “moral” satisfaction of having done it for him and I didn’t think about how he could really feel.

The next day I go to class, but I take a different tour of the corridors so as not to pass in front of the classroom where he attends lessons. At the end of the last hour of class I find him in front of the door as usual, as if nothing had happened between us, he doesn’t mention that in the morning I didn’t come to greet him as usual, everything happens as if the previous Sunday nothing had happened, but he is not acting, it seems that the anger has passed. Our life proceeds as before, I think in the meantime that I have not lost him, and it reassures me a lot, and that perhaps he has accepted the idea that sex for the moment is to be put aside.

A couple of weeks later, he tells me that the family has a little house in the mountains where nobody ever goes and that we could go there on a Sunday, then he looks me in the face and says: “I will not jump on you! don’t worry!” I tell him that we can also talk about it. He wants to get me to say that it’s okay for me also for the following Sunday, but I start again with hesitations and stupid speeches and he says to me: “But why do you always have to ruin everything? What are you afraid of? I don’t infect you with diseases, I’ve never been with anyone, really never. ” I keep beating around the bush and he gets out of the car and drives off on foot without saying goodbye.

Again I feel bad, but then in the end, for the second time, I console myself and tell myself that I do it anyway for his good and that I have to put aside the melancholies. The next day, I pass in front of his classroom and greet him as if nothing had happened, he looks at me with an attitude of defiance but not of disinterest. At the end of the lessons I take him home as usual and he says to me: “Don’t tell me you don’t care! I can see very well that you are tempted and very much too! But what are you afraid of? ” I start again with the discourse of diseases, “in the sense that I would not like to infect him, I to him, non he me”. He looks at me and says: “You told me you’ve never been with anyone, so that’s not true …” I swore it was true and he said to me, but if we both do the test first, then you don’t have excuses anymore, ok? ” I replied: “Well…” and he was about to lose his temper again, then he held back and said to me: “Meanwhile let’s do the test! Ok? ” I replied by nodding my head yes, he said to me: “Okay, I’ll take care of it …” I thought it was a way of saying and I nodded yes again. Then he looked me straight in the eye and said: “But remember that you must keep your word!” and I just said to him: “Ok!”. I thought that the speech was very vague and that it would be talked about in an indefinite future, and instead, exactly in moment when I got back home I received a text message telling me that I had to pick him up the next day at home at 6.45, to go together to do the sample, because he had made the appointment for 7.15, in a laboratory near the university. I only replied “Ok”.

The next day we met and went to take the sample, then the day followed the usual course. We didn’t have the slightest anxiety about the test, neither he nor I. When I took him home he said to me: “Friday afternoon we must go together to pick up the results…” and so we did. The results were evidently both negative, what was practically taken for granted, we had no sexually transmitted diseases, but so also my excuse to say no had vanished in the air. He suggests that I go to the mountains on Sunday and I feel a little forced and a little tempted but in the end I say yes.

On Sunday morning I go to pick him up, after about an hour’s drive we arrive at his little house, a  place lost in the middle of the mountains. According to the agreed program, we would return in the evening. I wouldn’t have agreed to spend the night there to avoid sleeping with him, I know it seems pathological, but that’s how things worked for me then. Once at my destination, I wanted to go around so as not to be alone at home with him, not that I was sorry to be with him, quite the contrary! But I didn’t know what I could expect and still felt too conditioned. We went around until lunchtime and I suggested that we go and eat somewhere, again so as not to stay at home with him, but he told me that he had brought his lunch from home and that the bag with provisions was in the trunk. I had no choice I had to agree to go home with him. It was winter and it was freezing cold, we turned on the stove but the cold was anyhow very strong.

We heated up the cooked things and ate, then the little sun that was there went out and it was freezing, the cold was really strong. He went into the bedroom where there was a queen-sized bed, pulled out of the closet a large double feather quilt, as high as a mattress and also a large double wool blanket, he spread the wool blanket on the bed and the quilt on top, he took off his shoes and lay down on the bed, dressed as he was, and covered himself with the quilt, then he looked at me and said: “What are you waiting for? Come, you are dying of cold … I don’t touch you, at least we stay warm … ” I said to him: “Promised?” and he told me. “Promised!“ I took off my shoes and lay down under the quilt next to him. I felt actually at ease, but I kept my distance from him. He tells me: “But come closer, so we warm up better! We are fully dressed, but what are you afraid of? ” Then I get a little closer, I feel his warmth, he turns to me and looks at me with his beautiful eyes and tells me: “I’m glad you didn’t run away!” And I just tell him: “Shut up!”

Then he takes my hand and squeezes it, his is very hot, and he says to me: “Your hands are frozen, you are very cold, let me approach that I will warm you a little …” So our first physical contact had been created, I felt the his warmth, he leaned against me. Every now and then he asked me: “Does it bother you?” And I said to him: “No…”. At one point he fell asleep. It was late afternoon and it was dark outside, but the light was on and I could see him very closely, he was serene, he totally trusted me. I let him sleep, then around seven I had to wake him up because we had to go back to the city. He stretched like a cat, then said to me: “Here it’s fine and it’s freezing cold outside… what if we leave in the morning? If we leave at 6.30 we can be at the university on time … “I said to him:” Ok, but I have to tell home. ” He said: “Me too.” We called without getting out of bed, then he said to me: “What about dinner?” I replied: “We’ll do without it, let’s stay here, if it’s fine for you” I said : “Ok, Fine”.

Then he started stroking my face and told me he felt my beard, then he ran his hand through my hair and put his fingers in my collar, I let him do it for a while, then I thought that he could go further and I reminded him that he promised me he wouldn’t try to get further and he said: “Ok, but I didn’t promise you wouldn’t try it, I really like being stroked, stop it when you think you have to stop, ok? ” And I said: “Ok!” We were really fine, warm, we had no other thoughts on our mind. I stroked his face and hair for a while, then, at a certain point he said to me: “My trousers are tight and they bother me,does it bothers you if I take them off? ” I more or less expected something like this and I said to him: “Come on, I’m going to sleep in the other room, in the closet there is also another sleeping bag …”. Disappointed he replied: “I know there is … but would you leave me here alone?” then he saw my face a little annoyed and added: “Okay, don’t worry, I’ll keep my pants on but don’t go and get cold! I’m good at least as a stove! ” I replied: “How stupid you are!” and he said: “I think you are the stupid … but anyway …”. Then he approached me and said to me: “At least I can stay a bit like this?” I told him: “Sure!”, He replied: “But if I’m bothering you, tell me it, you don’t have to put up with me … “I didn’t know what to say and so I didn’t say anything but I put my arm over his shoulders and he hugged me even more and just said:” Goodnight! “

This was the first night we spent together. I can say that I was extremely happy, feeling his warmth felt beautiful to me. Maybe the very fact that he didn’t insist on getting to have sex with me started to defuse my weapons, if he tried to go further I would have felt almost compelled to say no, almost on principle, but he had not insisted and he hadn’t even left slamming the door. I slept very little during that night. He was asleep next to me and he made me a very strong tenderness and it was a sexual tenderness, I could try to deny it, to sublimate, to pretend it wasn’t like that, but it was so, and I began to realize it. I was wondering: “But why do I have to resist this guy? But what harm would it be if there was even a little sex between us? Why should I think it’s better to say no to him for his own good? His good must be evaluated by him. If he’s okay with it and me too, where’s the problem? And then, the fact of being together in the same bed was a tender thing, ours was a love for each other, slowly I began to accept the idea, but I told myself that we had to proceed calmly, by successive stages, without rushing too much.

The next day the alarm went off at six o’clock, around it was still late at night, getting out from under the quilt was truly a trauma. He asks me: “How did you feel last night?” I tell him: “Very well”, and he says to me: “Are we coming here again next Saturday?” and I nod my head yes, then he gives me wild eyes and begins to move towards me as if he wants to try a sexual approach, I raise my arms to defend myself and he just dishevels my hair and says to me laughing: “Are you scared? Don’t be afraid, I’m a guy of my word!” I tell him: “Don’t tease!” Then we leave. During the trip he resumes the conversation: “But next time without trousers …” I stop him: “Don’t tease!” and he tells me: “But I just say in order to be more comfortable. You have nothing to be afraid of, you can sleep in the other room and if you want you can also lock yourself inside!” The week went by with the usual rhythms: lessons and study, but I began to see in my brain what could happen the following weekend and I also began to make comparisons between those fantasies and my so-called moral principles.

After all, we had done the tests, he seemed to really want to get there, why would I have to keep saying no to him? It no longer seemed obvious to me that sex could leave him something negative. I was fighting with myself or rather with the residues of my education, however, the more days passed the more I felt convinced that the following Saturday I would really take a decisive step. Saturday arrived, I remember that in the morning I took a more thorough shower than usual, especially in the sex department, a sign that I considered at least probable the fact that something would happen between us on a physical level. I went to pick him up at his house and we left for the mountain. It was a typical cold winter day, I had chains in my car because, especially at night, the road could be frozen. When he got into the car I felt a breath of perfume more intense than usual and I thought that he too could have taken a much more thorough shower and this thought made me think of an undeclared form of complicity and made me smile. Throughout the journey he did not talk about, let’s say, dangerous topics, but certain silences were too long and were not normal, as my usual I still avoided addressing the subject. We stopped for breakfast along the way, all wrapped up, and then resumed our journey. This time he had brought a large bag full of provisions that must have been enough for Saturday lunch and dinner and Sunday lunch. Given the day, not even the refrigerator would be needed, the arrangements were that we would return on Sunday afternoon to avoid the risk of icy roads.

Once we reached our destination we thought we were going for a walk in the village, but it was so cold and the wind was blowing so strong that a similar idea seemed completely absurd. We brought inside the supplies, but it didn’t take long, then we started to feel frozen. It was still early, it wasn’t even ten in the morning. We turned on the heat. The house was a typical mountain house, one of those with a low ceiling so as not to disperse the heat, but it was still freezing cold. He said to me: “I think I’m going to go to bed, otherwise I’ll freeze.” He pulled the blanket and quilt out of the closet, as he had done the week before.

Once the bed was made, he said to me: “Without trousers?” I looked at him with two fiery eyes and he replied: “Okay, okay! With trousers on! ” Here I felt displaced, I would have liked him to insist and finally  I would have given in, but he chose the soft way and avoided insisting and I was really upset and tried to fix it by adding: “Tonight without …” He looked at me widening his eyes and made a sly face and just said “Wow! … at least we are more comfortable … “I looked at him and said:” Don’t make fun of me! ” He just said: “Well, in the meantime, come to bed now …” We got into bed with our trousers on but now the qualms of the first time were gone, he came close to me and hugged me and we stayed like that for as long as it took to regain warmth, by now holding our hands and caressing us was something automatic and taken for granted. However, I noticed that the caresses, both hers and mine, even if they were insistent, stopped far away from the, let’s say, more dangerous area. None of us wanted to take missteps. This time I felt no scruples of any kind, I behaved in a much more spontaneous way than usual even if not exactly 100% spontaneous, for me it was a very strange feeling, I was with another guy and I could behave spontaneously or almost, and he he corresponded to me, he understood me, he felt the same things as I did, I did not feel him as a different individual to fear and from which to keep at a certain distance anyway, I didn’t feel worried about his presence, I was beginning to see sexuality in another way, that is, as a complicity, as a couple game and it was something that I liked a lot.

We were cuddling in the heat for a couple of hours and I felt really happy. Then it was time to get up to prepare lunch. It was literally a freezing moment. First I sat just a moment in bed, let’s say, to cool the my boiling hormones, because I was erect and I didn’t want to be seen like this, the cold air actually produced its effects in a very short time and then I got out of the bed and I put my windbreaker on, because it was terribly cold even inside the house, instead he waited a bit to get up and I didn’t ask him why, even if I could have imagined it. I went to the kitchen and put my lunch in the microwave. In the meantime he got up and joined me in the kitchen and started making a whole pot of hot tea. After a few minutes the lunch was warmed up and we ate everything in 10 minutes. We had paper plates, so there weren’t  dishes to wash. And then to wash the dishes it would have been necessary to wait for the effects of the heating because the water did not flow in the pipes because it was frozen.

Outside it began to snow heavily. He told me: “Wi must hope it will stop soon, otherwise the road will freeze and we will not be able to return. However, here there is everything you need for survival for several days … If tonight it snows a lot and tomorrow it is sunny you have to shovel the snow at least up to the car and from the car to the road. The car has antifreeze, so it should start again anyway, but we will need to put the chains on at least for the first 20 or 30 kilometers. ” I ask him: “Is there TV here?”, He says no,I ask him if there is internet and he tells me that there is, I tell him: “What do we do?” and he replies: “No choice, we go back to bed, … without the trous …”. I don’t let him finish the sentence and I look at him with eyes of fire, but more for fun than anything else and he replies: “But keeping your trousers on in bed is really uncomfortable … it’s just for that … well … and then look, I don’t jump on you, you can stay almost sure… “. I tell him: “What does it mean to say almost?” And he replies: “That I leave it to you to take the first step … anyway you promised that tonight we will go to sleep without trousers, do you remember?” I replied with a moan: “Mh …” He insisted: “How did you say? I didn’t understand … “And I yelled at him:” Yes, but tonight … “He didn’t let go and continued: “But now it’s already evening … and then do we want to get up again to eat? Naaa! Once a day is enough!” I was very tempted and I said to him: “Ok, make the first move … ” He replied: “Wow! I proceed … ” He took off his pants staying under the quilt and threw them on the chair, then said: “Ah … at least I’m comfortable!” Before doing my part I waited a while and I expected him to urge me to do it, but he didn’t and he just said: “Believe me, so I’m much better … if you take your trousers off, I don’t jump on you, you’d be more comfortable, then if you are afraid, do as you want … ” At this point I made a strange speech to him and I said: “Every now and then, but a little too frequently today, you tell me that you will not jump on me, damn it, what have I to deduce from it? I think I look really stupid or clumsy to you… “He replied : “Neither clumsy nor stupid, just a little braked …” Then I too took off my trousers and threw them on the chair. Actually I felt much better this way. He asked me if I felt on duty, somehow compelled to do things I didn’t want to do, and I firmly said no. He was two years younger than me and much less clumsy than me. Then he asked me: “Can I lean on you?” And I told him yes. We hugged and the physical contact was very strong, we held each other for a few minutes, then he shook my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine and he said: “It was really beautiful!” and I replied: “Yes, a very strong thing that I had never tried”.

We didn’t sleep at night and it was the first time for us, we were very shy and cautious but all the thing was very engaging and very true. Once we were done with sex I was really happy but I realized that he was very melancholy. I didn’t know what to do. I asked him how he felt and he told me he didn’t know, that he had been fine but he had so many thoughts on his mind, a great confusion where there is everything from happiness to sadness. He had tears in his eyes. I asked him: “But is there something wrong? Did I do something wrong?” He looked at me and told me: “Don’t talk, just hug me…” I hugged him and held him tight, but he was closed in his melancholy. Then he said to me: “Did you feel compelled in any way?” I replied: “Not at all …” and I held him tighter, then he fell asleep in my arms. Our story began so many years ago. In the following years, things got complicated for external reasons, there have never been real misunderstandings between us. He made me feel loved, important, he considered me a decisive element in his life, just as I considered him.

I am in love with him today more than then because he is an exceptional man who spends himself on others, who has never gone after money, who is profoundly altruistic and is exactly the opposite of a careerist. He has achieved great successes in his work because he works hard but unfortunately he is also very stressed, I have often been his release valve, which honors me and fills me with happiness, but for some years he has been working abroad. I spend my holidays with him, but then in the rest of the year we can only meet in chat and for a limited time, because he has a thousand commitments. He is a profoundly good man, with me he had a unique delicacy and respect, he loved me and showed it to me in a thousand ways. When I have some doubts about a choice, I ask myself how he would behave in the same situation and I try to do what he would do. Now he is still handsome, but we are no longer boys and clearly on a physical level both he and I, we are no longer those of twenty years ago, but I respect him as a man, I discovered many aspects of his personality that fascinated me. He is never aggressive, he is calm, he is very sweet and patient, he encourages me, supports me and allows me to do the same with him, sometimes he scolds me a little and tells me that I should be more open to understanding problems of the others, but it does not refer to his problems but to the problems of those who do not think like us. There is only one point that really worries me and it is the fact that he is very stressed from work, sometimes, when we chat in the evening, and I would talk to him for hours, we are still forced to limit the time and many times I just tell him that I love him and he replies “Me too! If you weren’t there, I wouldn’t be nothing!” This sentence, even if it is not true, makes me feel proud. I hope that our life goes on like this for many years to come!!

___________________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum:

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A SECOND CHOICE GAY COUPLE

Hi Project,
I skip the pleasantries. What would you do if you were 30 years old and had a soft spot for a friend of yours with whom you also had a little sex, but he was a friend who perhaps wants to distance himself from you and that you might not want to lose? What would you do if that friend of yours had his birthday in a week? Would you send him a happy birthday text message? I don’t say more, but a good wishes text message?

Because now I find myself in this situation, I’m not in love with my friend, that is, I’m not in love in the sense that if he is not there I die, indeed perhaps I live even better, but I think that despite his roughness he is still a friend, I just don’t know what he thinks of me now, I don’t know if we really understand each other, maybe now we understand each other less than before, however between us there has always been a certain mutual tolerance with some particularly important moments, he, in his own way, he cares a little about me, or maybe he cared, and I care a little bit about him, we went on also and perhaps above all because between us there was a bit of sex, to say that I don’t care the sex part, it would be hypocritical, but I also wanted something else, I say I wanted because now sometimes I think I don’t want anything at all.

I have an ambiguous feeling towards him: he attracts me but he also rejects me. I can’t stand many of his ways of doing that seem disproportionate to me, but others touch me deeply.

I think sex has ruined everything between us. Yes, Project, first one goes out of his way to get there, and we both did, then you realize that you end up screwing it up, that everything ends up revolving around sex and everything else seems to have been just an excuse, a tool to get to sex, then you want to go back, but there is no going back. I wonder what I was looking for and what he was looking for when we met.

We both bragged about not being like the others, not rushing after sex just for sex, but in the end that’s what we did and so we screwed everything up, maybe not, but it’s no more like before. It is true that even now if there is a moment of strong communication it is right when we have sex, but then it passes and you realize that it ends right there.

There is the fact that neither he nor I really looked for other partners, maybe he did sometimes, but usually it didn’t last long, when he wanted sex he came to me, when he wanted love he thought of others without going to bed with them because if he had done he would only go to bed with them and anyhow he wouldn’t get what he was looking for.

He wasn’t in love with me, I was the second choice, the one without love, the one only about sex, at least that’s what he said and I think it was true. I knew what he thought of me, but I also knew that he needed me at least for sex and probably because I was the only one who cared about him, even though he would have wanted someone else in my place.

Another guy, in my place, would have sent him to the hell, but I never did because in the end I was aware that he would anyhow come back to me anyway, even if every time he came to me I was very cautious for fear of diseases because I didn’t trust what he used to say to reassure me and all this bothered him tremendously and so even sex sometimes started badly and ended worse and I ended up wondering: What am I doing here?

When we met we were not yet twenty and now we are still here, always fighting with the same things. He is perpetually frustrated and disappointed, not at work, fortunately, but in the emotional life, I’m increasingly disillusioned, but in the end we are still here. As for me, I believe that I will never have a boyfriend as I would like him and the speech is valid for him as well. Our being in some way together is clearly a compromise solution or better a fallback on both sides, but in the end that’s what exists.

We always said things to each other’s face, even the things I wrote to you here, and also said in a much more direct and aggressive way, at least in words. I don’t like the idea of losing him at all. I know it would probably be the best solution for both me and him, but I would anyhow miss him badly. I would really be sorry that everything was lost, I’m afraid it could be so and I don’t know what to do.

His birthday is a simple (trivial) way to tell him that I still think of him, what he will do I don’t know, if he doesn’t answer me he will have made the last move, the decisive one, and I will accept it, because I can only accept it, if he answers me I will have to face a thousand problems and I will, but I don’t feel like I’m the one to decide for the no, because that’s not what I want.

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GAY DISAFFECTION

Hello Project, I’m a 27-year-old Milanese apparently without problems: I graduated, I have a job I don’t love and don’t hate but that allows me to be independent, I come from a medium-level family, I’m an only child and my parents are dignified people, who know about me even from that point of view and have not caused me problems. So far there is nothing more normal (banal) than all this.

I had my experiences with the guys, but they ended quickly and with no regrets, except the last one which still lasts but only in a sense. My friends (friends?) don’t know about me, least of all at work, I have the problem if ever of keeping girls away, but not that of approaching guys because, very frankly, I feel emotionally very refractory.

I don’t dream of having a boyfriend, even when I was with a guy the involvement was very relative, we could do everything, obviously including sex, but there was anyhow neither the slightest emotional involvement. I mean that I have never fallen in love with a guy, I’m neither straight nor bisexual, I’m gay, I never had any doubts about this, long ago I thought that sooner or later I would find the right guy and I would fall in love with him but it never happened.

I’m certainly not addicted to sex (if anything to work) and I really don’t want to go looking for a guy. The last boyfriend I had, and in a way I still have, (I’ll call him Carlo) was my vaccination against the falling in love virus. I don’t hate Carlo or his way of seeing life, I just don’t understand him. Being close to him I was able to realize many things and first of all that I’m probably not made for couple life and certainly I’m not made for couple life with him.

He perceived already after the first few weeks that beyond appearances I was not really there, he wanted to convince himself and also to convince me otherwise, but I was not in love with him and I was not even interested in building something with him, whatever it was. He treated me with some disdain because he knew that staying close to me was like wasting his time. We continued to see each other for months and do what lovers should theoretically do, but we weren’t in love, we studied each other to know how far the story would go. We said goodbye practically every evening at 9 pm, it was the only clear thing between us, in a sense there was a mutual complicity about this, but nothing more.

He’s a handsome guy and that was the temptation for me, but then, beyond that, there was really nothing else, he had great ideas on his mind, perhaps because his family gave him all the money he wanted. He used to make me proposals that could be suitable for a gossip magazine, let’s forget about politics … let’s just spread a pitiful veil, I told him many times that he has to look for a guy of his world, but he thinks he can have a power of attraction on me precisely because he has money, but I told him that the only thing that attracts me about him is that he is a handsome guy, and that the rest doesn’t interest me at all. I don’t want to be bought by anyone, if he wants a walking dog he can buy it as he likes better, I want a man, not a moron.

Sometimes he provokes me because he wants to feel flattered, but he has the wrong address, sometimes I listen to him just to see if he stops or continues to shoot bullshit with no limit. Perhaps he would like me to stop him to start the usual tirade of values! Yes, you got it right, values!! But I don’t even answer him, and when he falls silent I change the subject, as if I hadn’t even heard him.

Sometimes he would call me on the phone while I was at work, I tried to tell him not to call during those hours, but he kept on, and then I put his number among the unwanted ones, because when I work I cannot be distracted.

Why don’t I care about the guys? I have the answer, I’m trying to build something that I care very much about.

Now I work at a good level, but as an employee, well, I want to try in an acceptable time to open my own small business. I’m accumulating skills, just on how to start with a small business, I’m trying to understand how to move between banks, authorizations, tax authorities, contracts and various things. In a few days I will start a master on this and I need it not to enrich my curriculum, but to have a practical competence. I work in very innovative sectors on a technical level but I completely lack managerial-legal preparation, but I’m also trying to grow in that sector.

When I start, I will start small, with a one-person company, then it will be what it will be. My first rule: never take a step longer that the leg! People who know what I have in mind, I mean really knowledgeable people in the industry, think my project is good but  will be something that will totally absorb me and they also told me that such a project can somehow become the substitute for the emotional life, but I don’t agree at all with such a statement.

I don’t know if I will ever have a love life, I don’t exclude anything, if it happens I will be the first to be happy with it, but I will certainly not start looking for a guy because I have no time to waste. I have no projects in this sector, I mean in the affective one, and didn’t even go crazy with the idea of the company, if it works I’ll be happy, if then I see that the game is not worth the candle, well, then I’ll go back to my current job. I have no problems with my current job now and I don’t think I will have difficulties afterwards.

I have not sublimated eros into work, I think that every now and then (if it happens) there may well be some adventure, but woe to believe it too much! I don’t believe in absolute and definitive commitments, choices for life and the like. I don’t like straight weddings, let alone gay ones!

If you want to be with me ok, it’s fine if it’s okay with me too, then when you get bored or I get bored, well then bye and I move on. It could even last a lifetime, but if that’s the case, it only becomes apparent over the years. You can start, then you see what happens. I never understood loves at first sight. In the meantime I have to cut off relations with my latest boyfriend (Carlo) and I don’t think it will be difficult, I think he’s tired of me for a while and honestly I only like him physically, which obviously isn’t enough. So “Hi Carlo!”, I move on! I don’t mean that I move on to another guy, but that I turn the page and put apart the guys chapter, put it on standby for a while, then what will be will be.

See, Project, I’m not asexual, no! I use a little pornography, even there with an unforced but absolutely spontaneous moderation, I go ahead with the fantasy and for the moment it is enough for me, also because when I was having sex with guys I was really obsessed with the idea of prevention, certainly having sex with a guy is different from seeing a video, but with a video the risk is absolutely zero, with a real guy you can never trust 100%, if you try to be scrupulous in prevention they take you for a moron and that’s why you let your guard down, but then you have a thousand scruples … is it worth to be with a guy who tomorrow will go away with another guy? I really think not.

But is there a serious reason to look for a boyfriend? If such a guy arrives and the first signs indicate that he could be the right one, then it suits me perfectly, but it is not mandatory to live in a couple, and then living in a couple is a bond that can only be accepted when there is a serious motivation. I think that loving a guy, or rather, the fact that two guys love each other is certainly possible, but it has to happen and it is still very unlikely. Even when it happens it never happens 100%, there is always a need for mutual adaptation, but, let’s say, if the adaptation is 10-20% then it is also acceptable but only if it is reciprocal, but adapt to whatever, well, I just can’t stand this.

Perhaps I’m rigid of mentality, but there is an expression that I do not like at all and it is when one says that he is “lost in love” that is he has practically lost his mind, I think that either this is just a very rhetorical saying but also very stupid and deceitful, or one is really out of mind. There is too much sugary romance about these things, which everyone in chatter shares but no one shares in practical life.

What’s the difference between a serious friendship and falling in love? Everyone says: sex! But my boyfriend, then, if and when he will be there, must first of all be my friend, which means that we should have substantially similar visions of life and ways of acting. Well this has never happened to me until now! Of course then there is sex, but then! Because if everything is based on sex, it takes very little to bring down the house of cards!

Project, you don’t know how many beautiful and moronic guys I met, people who should talk little because they would gain and instead have the urge to talk and so they waste that little bit of sex appeal that they got from mother nature. Someone let’s say at first sight passable I knew him, but then the first impression was easily overturned by the second and definitive one.

I would like to add one thing, just to clarify, I do not consider myself either Apollo or Einstein, I’m a very ordinary guy, nothing to do with so many beautiful people I see on the street, because we must give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar. And I don’t even think that those who seem stupid to me are really stupid, maybe they will be successful in life a hundred times more than me just doing modeling! (The fox and the grapes!) I’m just saying they look stupid to me. Of course, at the end of the game, the fool who loses the game could be me, but I prefer to lose the game by playing my way rather than imitating the moves of others.

Excuse me for this rant, Project, but today I met people who gave me “advice”, something I can’t stand at all, and I had to let off steam a bit.

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