GAY GUYS AND COMPULSORY MILITARY SERVICE

Compulsory military service in Italy was suspended, in practice abolished, in 2004. Prior to that, all the guys, at the end of the eighteenth year, were referred to the physical for military conscription. There were many legends related to collective nakedness and to the presence of homosexual doctors, with all that this could entail. The embarrassment for the physical, the first physical that included genital examination, was common for years among the guys who were preparing for the fateful moment. Of course, for gay guys the embarrassment was much greater, for many of them this  was the first moment of collective nakedness and hard-ons could become uncontrollable.

On May 3, 2008, I received and published on the blogs of Gay Project the email I quote below translated into English.

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I was born in March 1986, so in January 2004 I received, last among the last ones, the terrible call card for the military physical. Compulsory military service reform was a highly debated issue in those days, the suspension of the mandatory enlistment seemed a probable hypothesis, but a lot of things were not yet well defined. I had hoped until the last moment to get rid of it, but my precept postcard summoned me for military physical at the beginning of August 2004. From September 30, 2004, military physical has been abolished. In essence, I would have been in the very last contingents for the compulsory military service before the abolition of it.

At school I was a year ahead, just in time for not being able to get a referral for study reasons, I could enroll at the university and I would have escaped military service with the referral, and instead my parents did not want to hear any reason and I hated them for that, but in fact this was my luck, even though I realized it later on. My father always told me that in the army they would make me a man and said: “Who is not good for the king is not good for the queen either!” An old way to say that those who didn’t do military service aren’t good for marriage. I had the terror of military service, of hazing and of all I had heard about these things. I could not say to my dad that I was gay and that if I stated it during the physical I would have avoided the military service, so for me there was no escape.

I think all the guys have read a lot of porn stories on the military physical, well, I assure you that if you read about the military physical when other guys have to deal with it, it can be fun, but when you are the one you have to undergo this experience it makes you feel anguish.

It was not even for the thing in itself, because I had passed some sporting physicals and also with some embarrassing situations because having to lower your underpants in front of the doctor is embarrassing for anyone, but the thing I was worried about was not even that but getting a hard-on, because for a gay guy, in a situation like that, being naked in front of so many other guys and in front of the doctors who could do with the guys whatever they like with the excuse of the medical examination (and someone really exaggerated) well, it does a certain effect and, wanting or not wanting, when a gay guy sees things like that  it’s very easy that he can get a hard-on, but if it happens in such a situation there is not only the embarrassment but they brand you, that is, you cannot really lose control there. 

I didn’t knew exactly how it would have been, it was a common fear to all the other guys who had to get the military physical, but I didn’t know guys who had already gone through the physical. Those older than me had fun telling me terrible things, in short, things similar to that of porn movies. Last week I did a lot  of yoga exercises up to the incredible: checking my breath, posture, standing on one foot, holding my breath for a long time, pulling my belly back and so on because I had read it was something that decreases hard-ons, etc. etc..

The terrible day arrives, I was uncomfortable from the morning. They send us to a waiting room and, waiting, waiting, it’s almost noon; chatting with others, one tells me: “There is one doctor with a beard, if you happen to get examined by him you are in trouble! That doctor is gay and you’ll get a very special physical!” At a certain point a sergeant comes and calls ten guys and me among them, and he gets us into the locker room and tells us to held on just the underpants and to deposit everything else in the lockers. We undress. My heart beats violently, they get us two by two into the medical room and send us at the end of the room where there are two examination tables. I see a very nice blond guy just in front of me. 

Two doctors come in, they both have a beard, the doctor who comes to me has only a goatee, the guy in front of me is now completely naked and the doctor checks all that can be checked: fells the testicles, pulls back the foreskin, and I’m there to see, so I get a hard-on and I cannot hold it back. My doctor makes me lower my underpants and immediately realizes what’s happening, feels the testicles for half a second, pulls on my underpants and sends me rapidly away making me understand with a move of the eyes that I had to get out of the medical room immediately before the other doctor may be interested in me, all this while the other doctor humiliates the blond guy even making comments loudly.

When I went out of the medical room I had a terrible heartthrob, 120 and beyond, then the blond guy explained to me that the pansy (“finocchio”) doctor did not happen to me but to him. I was absolutely certain of the opposite but I could not explain why. Of course, for a gay doctor, doing military physicals should be the best, the doctor who had happened to me, however, did not humiliate me at all and did not take advantage of the situation while he could have done so putting me into a terrible embarrassment, but he, in my opinion, understood how things were, that is, that I was gay, and allowed me to escape the humiliation. The following days there were psychological tests, but they were all shit. At the end: skilled and enrolled! 

The first November they send me to the regiment. There was the atmosphere of a total disarmament, it was the last contingent of compulsory enrollment. I arrive, they incorporate me, then comes dressing and then they send me to the department. The usual embarrassment in the showers (no partitions) but as there were no fixed times, I ate very little at lunch and I was showering in the early afternoon when there was no one. I would very much like to do it in crowded hours, along with so many other guys, but that was too dangerous. Every now and then I entered the showers at rush hour, but that’s all another talk. 

Hazing? I did not see it, I repeat, perhaps because it was the last contingent, and even the officers treated us very elastically. In the early months there was a real discipline, later they realized that we were calm and did not disturb and this was enough for them, it was a rather bland thing. With the other guys things got loose quickly enough. Of course I could not say I was gay but I never felt in trouble because I was on my own. One of the guys was, Bruno, coming from Trentino was a very handsome blond guy, though he was called Bruno (in Italian Bruno sounds like brown) (I have e weakness  for the blondes!), I was always with him, we did everything together except the shower, he was polite, not intrusive, not conceited, a pretty guy but quiet. 

In short I took a crush for Bruno, keeping him close, talking to him, staying with him so long caused me sexual reactions and sometimes I was embarrassed because I thought he would notice it and so happened, he smiled and said to me, “But what are you doing?” I became red like a pepper, but nothing changed between us, we kept going all the time together, then came the talk of the military physical and I told him what happened to me, which in practice meant to make it clear that I was gay, going further on with such subject I was afraid of a negative reaction and I felt very embarrassed, but he was smiling amused by my story, then the unexpected thing, he looks firmly in my eyes and says, “You don’t know what happened to me, I just had a huge hard-on and my doctor, the one with the goatee, told me to leave as soon as possible.” So Bruno was gay too! This was his coming out.

We joked about all the stories of the physical, and then I said, “It’s great to be in the army! Or am I wrong?” Now you can wait for I don’t know what, maybe so much sex but no, there was some kind of total incertitude, both on my side and on his, I dreamed of him every night and when I could, that is when there was a little privacy, I masturbated thinking of him and he certainly did the same but we never spoke about. Once we camped together, near Udine, we were in the tent together but we were in eight and we couldn’t even have a little privacy. When we got to have free exit we were always together, same pizzeria, same walk. We sat on the benches and talked for hours, he told me all his fantasies, even sexual things but just little, then I asked him if he had a boyfriend in civil life and he told me no, I told him that the same was for me, but even after these confessions nothing happened. 

One day I told him I had fallen in love with him and he said to me: “I’m in love with you too, but I don’t feel like I’m starting a story that cannot last long.” He made me realize that he wanted me but he was saying it only with words, no gesture, not even least, not even a caress, we were deliberately going to the showers at different times, but we wanted each other. He was convinced that as we lived 400 km away we could never have built a serious thing together, but to stay with him I would have done a thousand miles. I tried to insist, it was evident that he was tempted and was fighting against himself to hold back the idea, he was anxious, I knew that he was working on his choice, that he was basically trying to resist himself but wanted to surrender. 

Day after day I saw his defenses fall and I hoped that the next day he would tell me yes, then I was discouraged and I did not insist on saying that I wanted to have sex with him, reluctantly I was tossed into more generic speeches, that is sexless, in the beginning he seemed very reassured by my decision to lower the tones, then after two days, he comes to me in the morning and tells me, “When are you going to the showers?” I light up a smile at 34 teeth and say, “At two and a half, and there is no one!” He answers: “I come, but look, we just have a shower!” We were in the square and there were people around and so I could not embrace him and I could not even shriek for happiness because they would think I was crazy, I just made the gesture with my mouth to send him a little kiss and he said to me: “Remember you promised, just the shower!” Well, we arrived both at showers a quarter of an hour in advance. 

I was expecting that our meeting would easily turn into a very strong and direct sexual contact, but nothing like that happened. He told me that he was very embarrassed and that he didn’t feel like doing such things, I told him that I could understand it and that I would not hurt him. He hesitated a bit, then said to me, “But at a distance and together, did you understand?” And he walked away from me several meters, placed himself right on the opposite side of the showers’ room. We undressed together and went to the showers not only without touching each other but staying far away, but I could see him naked and it was not a fortuitous thing, he was there for me and on the other hand I was there for him as well. Everything lasted at most three minutes, I think the three most intense minutes of my life, then he said to me: “It’s enough!” We went back to the dressing room and we dressed. It was a thrill experience. 

Once dressed, we put our heads under the jet of frozen water because otherwise we were not in a state to leave the showers and go around the barracks. In the following days the shower rite at two and a half in the afternoon became the rule, he was less embarrassed and I too, but we never touched each other for about two months, then we were discharged and when they gave us the leave sheet and told us we could finally leave because everything was over, well, I went through a moment of profound discomfort, I felt agitated, I was really sad because leaving Bruno seemed to me a terrible thing. He caught it and said, “Do you think it will work?” I answered him as a desperate guy. We left the barracks and began to speak like a couple, now it was obvious that we would not separate anymore, that we would have fought against everything and against everyone to live our lives. It was 1st November 2005. We have been together for two and a half years now and I hope to grow old with Bruno at my side.

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If you like, you can participate in the discussion of this post, on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-guys-and-compulsory-military-service

HISTORY OF A DOUBLE COMING OUT

I quote below, translated into English, an email published in the Italian Blogs of Gay Project on December 27, 2007.

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Hello guys,

nice blog and nice posts. My name is Andrew, 24 y.o., central Italy. I tell you my experience of coming out. My parents didn’t know anything about me until 19 years even though I at that age had done my experiences and had a boyfriend (of my own age), the same that I have now and that I think will be the partner of life for me because I don’t think we could live one without the other (Hi Andrew!) [he has my own name!]. 

We met at school, he was not my classmate. More precisely we met at a school trip. He was very timid, almost more than me, that’s all to say. I omit the details: hesitation, uncertainty, gay or not gay, etc. etc., all during the tour, then one day he takes my hand, I feel like a thrill, we look into each other eyes … Our story started like that.

On April 15, 2002, the last night of the school trip, we slept together (we had double rooms), we were not very convinced, neither he nor me, nevertheless the idea attracted us a lot but I thought that the day after I would have lost him, I don’t know, as if sex could ruin everything between us, but he who never considered himself a nice boy was afraid he could disappoint me, and instead we were fine, hugging tight each other under blankets now completely abandoned one in the arms of the other. 

I think you know what I’m talking about, it’s not just something related to sex, but also to tenderness, a very sweet thing. After, we had a bit of trouble saying that such a thing could not remain a single experience, but we talked about it … and there was no embarrassment. When we got home we were both very sad, it had been the first experience both for me and for him and now we were again separated. We had to find a way to meet and to be together, we could not help it. 

We started studying together but we were in different classes and it was difficult. We met in the afternoon once at my home and once at his, it was a nice thing, but at best we could exchange a caress, people could go in and there was not even a minimum of freedom and of privacy, and then being close, even just touching each other hands, erection came, between us it wasn’t certainly a problem, but when we had to get out of the room it was really a problem. We’ve spent nearly a month this way, we met every day but we could never embrace each other, and even less make love. But we wanted to do it. 

I think you can understand, when you have been in bed with the guy you love and then you cannot make love anymore with him it’s a torture, as far as the physiological problem is concerned you masturbate thinking about him, but you miss him badly, I mean that fantasy can be enough when with a guy you didn’t really make love, but we knew what it meant to embrace hugging each other under the blankets. I mean that making love became an absolute necessity, we only thought of that, we had to find a way to realize our dreams. 

Complicated things like going to the hotel were not conceivable because where we live, in a small town, it is dangerous to do such a thing, going to another town would have been too much complicated … the only possible solution was going to a little house my parents had in the countryside (I cannot tell exactly where), which was the house of my grandparents. Nearby there is a great forest and the pretense of a naturalistic walk was all in all plain. We could go there at most once a week, really too little for two guys like us who were (and are) inseparable, but we went on doing so for two months but it was complicated, the car ride of nearly 70 miles, the chilly home, the need to bring everything cooked, because on Sundays there is nothing there. One night together yes, and then at four in the afternoon all the hustle and bustle of the coming back. 

Then he proposed the idea of telling our parents how exactly things were. For me, in fact, I had never had any particular problems and I thought they would accept it well. He was much hesitant. But we were 19, we were unaware of the consequences and we did that madness. 

My parents seemingly did not react very badly … they were a little cold, however, didn’t embrace me, nothing like that, but at least apparently it was not a disaster. But, on the other hand, for my friend things went wrong. In the house full of frost, parents wanted to send him to the psychologist, he didn’t want and the world collapsed. He was desperate, when we met he was weeping in anger all the time and when he was going to go home for him it was a real torture. 

At some point I talked to my parents because there was the room of my great brother, and Andrew, in my opinion, could have settled there. Probably I was terribly naive then. My parents didn’t want to know about taking Andrew in our house, and for me hell started. Andrea was exasperated, he came out of his house early in the morning, and returned very late in the night to not meet his father and mother. He didn’t even come to my home because he felt rejected also by my parents and spent the day in the cold as a tramp. I brought him food to eat and he spent the day like that. 

At school the exam period was approaching, he didn’t do anything, he was convinced that they would reject him, nevertheless he continued to go to school, at least in the morning he was indoors and hot. School was open until 6pm and we spent our time there, but there were people, a lot of noise, you could not separate yourself from others, it would have seemed strange, and then you have to defend yourself even at school. It was a terrible period. 

Then we took the examinations, the commission was very easy and everything went well. Andrew had applied for a job and I did the same even though I did not think about giving up at university, then found on the Internet that they had called us from the first of August near Bologna. 

Andrew would have gone because he could not survive at his home, even at the cost of abandoning his studies. I did not know what to do, it was the first time I was in great trouble. I told myself that if I really loved Andrew, I could not leave him go alone, and I really loved him. 

Meanwhile, my parents had already digested the bitter bite and they had found a place for me where I could stay (a mini apartment) in a city in Central Italy where I would study Engineering. After all, it was our project, because where I live to study Engineering you have to go out to another city, but I don’t deny that I thought that my parents wanted to send me elsewhere, not to keep me far away from them, but from our town and especially from the gossip of Andrew’s parents. 

Then I went to my parents and said, “I’m not leaving Andrew … I’m going to work with him.” My dad stayed a bit puzzled then told me: “We can give you a maximum of 800 euros a month, we pay you the apartment … then you can share it with whoever you want, you don’t have to tell us … “. And my father embraced me and then told me to make Andrew come home, he did not want to come but then he came and my father told him, “I know you love him … but you have to be cautious … there more than here…”. That’s all. 

Andrea with his parents has had no more relationships and we now live together in a small apartment for students in a small city in Central Italy. In the coming year we should take the specialist degree. We made not just love, we even studied like crazy. Saying family does not mean anything, you have to see what that means in real life, but I and Andrew really feel that we are a family.

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If you like, you can participate in the discussion of this post, on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-history-of-a-double-coming-out

 

GAY LOVE DESPITE EVERYTHING

Hello Project,

I am writing to you because I am very tense and I do not know who to talk to.

I am 31 years old, my ex-boyfriend is almost 29 years. We’ve been together for three years when we were both much younger, our relationship ended a few years ago, or at least it seemed to end, because he met other guys and he tried to build a story with some of those guys, but nothing has ever ended up between us, we kept talking on the phone and even meeting from time to time, sometimes there was a bit of sex, especially when he was very sad and discouraged. 

Project, we still love each other, we don’t even tell it because we don’t need to make any declarations between us, no matter if he is no longer my boyfriend, what makes me suffer is seeing him sad, discouraged, disappointed with life, because he is a great guy, outspoken up to being almost brutal, unable to hold a grudge, absolutely not selfish. He never betrayed me, even though it might seem, looking at things from the outside, as he has never betrayed any of his guys. 

Sometimes he feels so depressed that I’m scared a bit. He says that all the guys he met had made great statements of love that were then denied in the facts. He says he is now completely indifferent to affective relationships and looking for sex only, but that’s not true. If he was looking for sex, he could find out what he wanted, because he’s also a handsome guy, and then what could he try to get from me? A bit of sex in moments of black melancholy, but I don’t really believe that this is his real purpose, I believe he is looking for a stable affective relationship on which to count. 

He says that all the guys who made him magnificent statements of love, went away, that he wanted to keep with them at least a friendship, but those guys vanished at all. We never really separated, I think there is another kind of affection between us. When he’s very depressed he calls me and we talk for hours, or rather we’re on the phone for hours almost always in silence. And yet, even if I try not to call him, in the moments of bad discouragement, when he calls me, I let myself go and talk to him of all my melancholies and I feel his presence. We don’t encourage each other, the first times I tried to do so he became nervous because he felt that I wanted to make a sermon. Now there are fewer words between us but there is not less heat. 

Honestly, I “almost” don’t feel any more towards him the sexual interest I had before, but in reality I have no more such feelings for anyone, nevertheless making love I feel free only with him, now it is rare that among us there are some real moments of sex, but when it happens it is a very intense thing because it is very well understood that the sense of sex is to confirm an affective continuity, to say that we still are there and that we still love each other, even if in words we say it no more, for fear of being denied by our own behaviors. We have learned to contain speeches, to eliminate loving chatter, to talk a little not to say nonsense. 

Sometimes, Project, I’d like to be close to him, to be his boyfriend again, although I know it would not work, as it didn’t work the first time, I flatter myself that I could get him out of his melancholy, that is, from his depression, the problem is just that. I think I would not repeat the behaviors that made him angry, I would talk much less and try to listen to him a lot more. The fact that he trusts me and that our dialogue is without taboos makes me feel proud, I feel that for him I’m still important, in the end it is not sex that matters but the fact of being understood and loved for what we really are with all our problems and our psychological complexes. He is a guy who has suffered a lot, who says he is cynical but he’s really capable of having a strong affective participation, and especially has feelings that often cause him to suffer deeply. 

We are not a couple in the classical sense, but between us there is above all but not only that kind of relationship that can be created between brothers who feel perfectly comfortable together, and then there is also a very special sexual harmony because we have a real affective relationship. I never thought that the relationship with him was really over, maybe it could be suspended, but did not disappear, I knew that in the backdrop of our souls it would remain as a calming element, as a basically unshakable certainty. I cannot think of myself without him, and I think that it is more or less the same to him. He had several guys, I only had him, but in the end we came to the same conclusion that we can feel ourselves only when we are together, because for us alternatives don’t have anything realistic. 

There have also been moments of misunderstanding but we have never hated each other and we have maintained an affective bond capable of overcoming any difficulties. There have been matters of principle, but then we have overtaken them on both sides, because we realized that beyond abstract arguments and reasoning only few things are really important, first of all people, then confidence, the fact that the other is there and you know he will be there, that he will never turn his back on you under any circumstances. 

When I talk to him, I fully understand that what we are saying has a meaning, that it is not a way of wasting time but a way to look for an affective response and to look for it where it is known that it will be possible to find it, is a way to tell each other our weakness and seeking comfort for the evils of life, a way to enjoy the attentions of the other, his respect, his affection, and a way to verify that despite everything, nothing is lost in the very basic things. 

A hug, a kiss, a bit of desired and spontaneously sharing sex are the true foundation of happiness. We do not belong to each other, the concept of possession has nothing to do with love, we love each other and I think we will continue to love in any case because certain forms of solidarity, and it would be better to say of love, last a lifetime.

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If you like, you can participate in the discussion of this post, on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-love-despite-everything

GAY GUYS WHO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

Hello Project,

I feel a little embarrassed to send you an email but the doubts are so many and I have to try to find answers because I don’t know who to turn to.

 

I’m 16 and a half years old. For more than a year I started to have doubts about my sexual orientation. I’m not afraid of being gay and if I’m gay I do not think I would have big problems with my family. My parents love me, probably nothing would change.

 

I started to masturbate at 13 and discovered masturbation by myself, without anyone’s suggestions. I did very little to understand that it was sex and that I was sexually developed. Before, for me, sexuality didn’t even exist, or rather there was sympathy for other guys and girls, but I didn’t really know what genital sexuality was.

 

At first, masturbation was just a pleasant physical fact, an interesting discovery by which I felt even more adult, but there was no real bond with sexual fantasies. Just a while later, between 14 and 15, came true sexual fantasies, and were all related to a guy, my teammate with whom I was training two afternoons a week.

 

At that time I played sports, although with many limits and went to the gym with a group of other guys and a coach. We had spaces and times dedicated to us, because we were still too young and were not allowed to enter the locker rooms when the gym was crowded by adults. In the locker room however we were alone, the coach was almost never there, but things were quick and I had never had sex fantasies of any kind, but, as I said, from 14 and a half, fantasies have come and with these also embarrassment because I was always about to get a hard-on and had to make great efforts to control it.

 

The gym has become a very important thing for me, I counted down the time missing to the next training and my masturbations were all related to what I saw in the locker room.

 

But then doubts have begun. I saw that the other guys took things completely differently, without any embarrassment and without any real interest. I quickly understood that what happened to me meant that I was gay.

 

In the beginning, this thing disturbed me a bit, but then, in a few days, I told myself that it had nothing to do with pathology and I overcome the problem. I have to say that I’ve learned at home the idea that being gay is not a disease, I learned it from my parents who have gay friends and defend their friends from stupid gossip of various kinds. Obviously from this point of view I was lucky. In practice, I realized I was gay and it did not make me any problem.

 

In a sense, my story matches the classic proceedings of gay recognition and acceptation described in your book.

 

When I was 15 years old, however, I found myself in situations that I had never taken into account. A girl, my schoolmate, began to show interest in me and I was grateful for it, not just because having a girl put me in a more adult position with my friends, but because with that girl I was fine, it was nice to talk to her.

 

She called me on the phone and we talked for hours, we joked about everything, we often went out together in the afternoon, me and her, without other people, in short I also started to have sexual reactions. I got hard-ons when she leaned on me, when she caressed my hand, and so on, slowly, but I must say, also pleasantly, we came to kiss each other, what I never imagined before.

 

The kisses were not bad, the hugs still better, so much that I started thinking that maybe I was falling in love with that girl, but something didn’t fit: I, gay, in love with a girl? Or maybe I was not gay? Now I keep going out with that girl and she calls me on the phone every day, I keep on getting hard-ons when we kiss or there’s a little direct physical contact, which is very common now. I tried to masturbate sexually thinking about that girl but the results were disappointing and then did some other doubts start.

 

In fact, that girl doesn’t attract me sexually, sometimes I think in a few years, I might also have a sexual relationship with her, but that’s what I think in theory because I never made sexual fantasies about her. It seems a disagreeable behavior, but I see her in the early afternoon and she, or probably the situation, excites me a bit, then later in the afternoon I go to the gym and when I come back home I masturbate always and only thinking of the guys I see in the gym, however, Project, I react sexually even with the girl and this should not happen, or maybe I didn’t understand how these things work.

 

My friends don’t react at all sexually with the boys, that is, they don’t react in situations that are very exciting for me. If I understand, a gay should not react with a girl, or maybe I’m a bit bisexual? This would create some problems because I could not have a really satisfying couple life.

 

Then there are a number of questions I would like to ask you:

(1) Do you think I should try with a girl?

(2) Do you think I am at least a bit bisexual?

(3) Do you think I hurt that girl staying with her because perhaps I deceive her?

 

I look forward to your answers, I would also like to know what the boys of the forum think.

Thanks. Manuel

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Hello Manuel, I’m not a doctor nor a psychologist but I deal with gay people for many years. You know that there are also gay guys who get married and have children, these guys have a heterosexual life with their wives that might seem normal, and often the wives are not even aware of having a gay husband. This means that a gay may well have sex with a woman and can even do it habitually. Being gay is not a question related to what is objectively done within a couple relationship, being gay is a matter of desire.

 

There are married gay men who have never had any sexual contact with a man and live a heterosexual life that has all the appearance of normality, but those married gays have a masturbation totally related to gay sexual fantasies. The object of their spontaneous sexual desire are not the wives but the guys who populate their sexual fantasies.

 

When couple sex behaviors are typically heterosexual but coexist with masturbation with exclusively gay fantasies, the true spontaneous sexual orientation is gay. Here bisexuality has nothing to do; a bisexual experiences real forms of sexual and emotional love, both for boys and girls. Keep in mind that of course a guy can really get a hard-on because he is in a situation of very strong intimacy with a girl, but when these experiences are soon forgotten and masturbation remains with gay fantasies, heterosexuality is a very unlikely hypothesis.

 

(1) Should you try with a girlfriend? So, in general, there is nothing that “must” be done and the only sensible behaviors are the spontaneous ones. If going with a girl is the fruit of a decision, that is, a way to test yourself, a test to evaluate your reactions when facing that girl, we are already out of the field of true sexuality. I would say that the very use of the verb “try” indicates that it is essentially a test that would be depressing both for you and for your girlfriend.

 

(2) I would exclude at all that you are bisexual, in your post there is nothing suggesting bisexuality.

 

(3) As to the fact that you are deluding that girl, I think it’s a fairly realistic hypothesis. There are girls who cultivate male friendships without any sexual purpose and have gay friends with whom they fully agree, but it is certainly not the general rule. And then the relationship you have with that girl does not have the typical features of a friendship. Frankly, I think she is very likely to consider you as her boyfriend and to expect you to behave sooner or later coherently with that role. I understand that the company of that girl may be pleasing, but your relationship might be based on a misunderstanding, and if so, it would be better to speak clearly, if possible, or keep away not to fuel further illusions.

Project

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PROBLEMS OF A DISSYMMETRIC GAY LOVE

Hello Project,

I thought so much before I wrote to you. I had read your manual “Being Gay” with much interest and also many of your posts on the Forum. In short, you seem to me a person of considerable experience and therefore I think that consulting you may be useful. I go to the specific, which is very delicate matter.

I’m 51 y. o., in my life I had sex with a single guy. The story is complex but I think it was important to both of us. When we met for the first time he was twenty, I was 43, the age difference was great. At first I did not think I could have sexual sex with him, frankly, at that time and even later for some months I didn’t even consider such hypothesis. By the way, I’ve never had big sex interests. In my youth it attracted me much, but more to the level of imagination than of any possible sexual relationship with a guy.

We knew each other for the sake of pure chance in an environment that had nothing to do with gays, we started to talk, then the thing went on. It was understood that it was an important thing but none of us had told the other to be gay. He knew I was not married and that I didn’t have a woman, I knew he didn’t have a girl, but the talk stopped there. We began to attend more assiduously, and we came to the point that we met almost every day but just to do the most common things of everyday life, to go shopping, to go to public offices or just to spend an afternoon together. Sometimes people took us for father and son and I felt proud of all this. 

He was studying at university (he is a guy of a monstrous intelligence). During the exam period he came to study at my home, I did not disturb him, because I worked until 17.00, at night we talked a bit, but just a little, then I accompanied him back to his home. He said to his parents that he was studying at the university library. Months have been spent together for the whole day and a few times even at night, and there has never been sex between us. There was no physical contact of any kind, not even shake hands. 

He had a terrible relationship with his parents and occasionally gave some sign of depression, I do not say at a pathological level, but he tended to depressed mood: not to see prospects, to devalue and to consider himself a nullity, which does not exactly match reality. I thought he had adopted me as a dad and I felt very proud of it. I think I’ve been one of the very few people with whom he had a non-superficial dialogue. 

Then the dialogue became more straightforward and he told me that he was gay, and until this it was more or less what I was expecting, he told me of his falling in love with a former schoolmate who wasn’t at all worried about him, then he expanded the talk and told me that he had met also the boy’s father and had felt strongly attracted to him, and that the interest in mature men had also manifested on other occasions, it was not exclusive but was still very strong, much stronger than that in boys. And in the end he added that he also felt this interest in me and that for a long time had been uncertain whether to say it or not. 

He told me he had perfectly understood that I was gay because no one would have cared for him in that way if he hadn’t been gay and for that very reason the attraction towards me was very strong because in the end to feel attraction for a straight man doesn’t make sense, because he will never match you, while with a gay man there is some chance. I was literally speechless. By the age of 43 I was certain that my life would be devoid of sexual experiences and that I would never have a partner. The guy’s speech stirred me, for one side I was in love with him, but on the other hand the age difference seemed so huge that the only thing to do was to get away and let him create his affective life, at least as far as possible. 

I told him that I loved him, but that I wanted our relationship to remain what was from the beginning, but obviously my answer was not very convincing, and so he began very carefully to look for physical contact, at the beginning really minimal and then, increasingly stronger. It took more or less a month. To try to avoid what was now inevitable, I told him that I was afraid of sexually transmitted diseases, he asked me very seriously if I had had sexual intercourses with someone and I told him that it never happened and he told me in a way more convinced that he had never had any relationship with anyone and frankly I had no doubt about, so our sexual intercourse began, I was 44 and he had 21. He obviously kept sleeping almost always at his parents’ home. 

They were incredible days, I was happy, but I hid in the most secret part of the soul the fear that all this could come to an end because he sooner or later could have experienced the need to fall in love with a coetaneous. Obviously I could not talk to him about this, but the fear was always present. Our relationship has been going on for two years and a little longer, then he met another guy, a little older, and talked to me about him. At that moment I realized I would lose him in a short time. He practically talked to me almost to ask me permission to stay with that guy. 

I’ve done everything to make him detach from me as less painfully as possible. I told him that I loved him and that I didn’t feel betrayed at all and that I always would have loved him. We said goodbye and for a couple of months I did not have any news. Then he called me again, he was fine with his boyfriend, at least so he said, but he wanted to see me again to make love with me, I didn’t know what to do. He insisted to the extreme limit and I did not dare to tell him no. We met and we made love taking all the precautions. He was happy, but I think he was most happy to have not been refused. I have had great guilty feelings over both his boyfriend and himself, because I had made him realize that that state of affairs was, after all, possible. 

In the following months, such behaviors repeated several times, more or less at intervals of a couple of weeks. Then he broke the relationship with his boyfriend, who I think was a great guy who loved him, and went looking for other experiences, from what I understood, just sex. I’ve seen him become more and more cynical. With me every now and then there was a bit of sex, with no risky and hyper-protected behaviors because I knew he had other guys. But with me there was not only sex, many times we talked for hours and very sincerely. He trusted me and he told me a lot of things about when he was a kid and then a teenager and I think the experiences he has gone through, really heavy, leave an indelible mark on him. 

Things have been going on in this way for some years now, he has his “contacts” (let’s call them so) for sex, and I’m among those contacts, and then with me every now and then there’s another kind of dialogue, sometimes with some very difficult moments when we both think it would be better not to meet anymore. I don’t call him, but when he calls me, what always happens at most within 10 days, dialogue resumes as if nothing had happened. 

He always tends to devalue the affective side and I tend to devalue the sexual one. He doesn’t like affectionate tones, at least so he says, and I don’t like the idea of being above all, though not just a “contact” for sex. About two weeks ago we came to harsh tones and I thought very seriously that the best thing would be to disappear altogether, but, I must tell the truth, I keep thinking about him, if I saw him quiet with a guy, that is if I saw him happy with a guy I’d be happy myself and I’d put me aside with peace of mind, but I’m objectively worried about him, I fear that he could let himself go too much and such a thing scares me, and then when he calls me, as it happened this morning, I feel that the contact between us has a profound meaning and I think it can be really important to him. I love him, sometimes I don’t understand him at all, but between us there is a strong bond, far beyond sex. 

Today he called me to propose a sex meeting, I told him no, but loosely, then we talked a bit, and frankly I was happy about his phone call. When we greeted he said, “I love you!” And it’s something he never says.

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GAY MARRIAGE AND PATERNITY

Hello Project,

I write to you to ask for advice, the situation is complex and also quite delicate.

I’m no longer a boy, I’m 38 years old. Until recently my life was quiet, I could not tell you if I was happy, but certainly I was quiet. I’ve lived with my partner for almost 15 years, we got together a home just to live together, we loved each other. To tell the truth we were also lucky, we never had work problems or even big health problems and in 15 years, I personally never looked for alternatives and I don’t think my partner did either. 

Our love was overwhelming only at the beginning, and later became a peaceful coexistence. We shared everything: money, friends, interests, not work, because we work in very different areas, but we’ve been together for 15 years. When we decided to go live together we had to face many problems because our families didn’t approve of such a choice, I especially think because it was a disliked thing at the social level. But we went on the same and built our own autonomy, without changing city, and resisted social pressures and gossip, and we slowly gained respect from neighbors and even their friendship. They now treat us well, they invite us to dinner even if they have teenage children, they no longer regard us as dangerous people.

I must point out that there is no marriage bond or civil union between me and my partner, we are two affectionate singles who are good together but we are not legally a couple, we could also be two friends sharing the apartment to reduce costs. However, the absence of any legal obligation has never caused any problems and there have never been discussions with my partner about it.

You could tell me that in such a situation there are no problems of any kind, and objectively until recently there was no problem, then a new thought began to get in my companion’s brain: formalizing our union, and from there my problems began.

Project, it may seem paradoxical, but in my opinion, we have been well together for 15 years just because we didn’t have any mutual obligation. We were well aware that everyone could go away when he wanted, and this awareness was calming. Frankly, I had never even thought about legal obligations with my partner, it just seemed a useless thing. In the face of his hypothesis, but it would be better to say of his request, to legalize our relationship, I started to ask a thousand questions but without talking to him directly. It was the first time I felt tight and I didn’t talk to him freely. Project, I don’t want legal obligations! And then why does he feel the need for such a thing? So far he had spoken of a desire for paternity, which had put me in alarm, but then the subject had been set aside. 

Today, after the talk about legalizing our relationship, I believe that the old idea of paternity desire is the background spring that pushes my partner to legalize our relationship. And here, Project, I have to say the whole truth, I think that the idea of paternity, as long as it remains an idea, is fine to me, but thinking of concretizing it through adoption or foster caring seems to me frankly a business beyond of our forces. We work both with the most amazing times and often far from home, we don’t have the support of our parents, because my parents are death and he has only his mother who has a thousand health problems, and then, as much as personally, I think I’m not really fit to grow a child. I’m afraid my partner underestimates all these things and feels everything very easy.

It’s been almost a month since every now and then the talk of legalization reappears, I try to slip away but he insists on having some answer, but I just don’t feel like telling him okay. I’m afraid that, in the long run, this situation can put our relationship into crisis and I just don’t want it to happen. Let’s assume that I’m going to give up on his requests, as far as legalization is concerned, perhaps forcibly, but to live quietly I could get there, although I don’t like such things at all, but if the topic of paternity came out I would feel very embarrassed. I would not want to disappoint my partner in any way, but if I gave him my unconvinced consensus, in the end I would take the role of the parent not spontaneously and this could be a big deal.

Project, now you understand what it is. And then I’m tired of the legal problems of adopting or foster caring. I’m very scared of these things. Gay couple okay, married gay couple okay, but much less convinced, gay couple growing up a baby, okay but only if it is a thing really wanted by both. You cannot do such a thing not to say no to your partner! What should I do, Project? With him I don’t even feel like talking, because I did not understand where things could end up. I repeat, if it was only legalization, all in all, I could even do it, but then why? What does it mean? But if there was anything else behind the legalization, I would be very embarrassed. 

Thank you, Project. I’m waiting for your answer. If you can, post my mail in the forum, I would like to hear also other opinions.

Charles

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GAY FASCINATION

Hello Project,

I am a twenty-year-old dreamer, who unfortunately has already had big bangs and still continues to fall in love with nice guys he comes in contact with. I also know that among those guys there is someone from whom I’d better keep away. Project, I have not done anything with these guys yet, but I feel attracted to them, and end up with them with seductive behaviors, in short, I court them, and I don’t even know if they are gay, some reject me and keep me away, but someone goes on talking to me and I perceive that he is also interested in me, and I don’t court a single guy at a time, but two or three, because, although differently, I like all of them. I know I should be much more attentive to what I do, because my behavior can expose me to risks, but I cannot hold back, I see a nice guy, I come near, we exchange two words and then I try to extend the conversation and sometimes I succeed. Before all this, I was in love with a guy at a time, I was willing to do anything to capture his attention, and it happened a couple of times, now I can only say that I like some guys who attract me because they are physically beautiful, are just my type of guy, but I don’t think I’m really in love with them, it’s kind of like I’ve had an evolution, I might even say at worse, from a single guy at a time to two or three at the same time, and from falling in love to being infatuated. I especially like the tenderness of these guys together with a very good male body, my ideal is a very virile guy but also very gentle, very sensitive. I don’t know if such two things can be together, in theory I think so, but the experiences I did would seem rather no. Then there are the intermediate situations: that of a beautiful guy but a bit rough and that of a sensitive guy but with a poorly cared or not strong body. In short, Project, I dream of these guys, in the drowsiness I imagine to be with them and to pamper them. I also exchange glances with strangers, and inside of me something wakes up, and I think something wakes up inside them as well, because sometimes they turn their eyes awkwardly embarrassed. Sometimes I think I have a power over men, that is, I think to fascinate them, especially the gay ones obviously, is like there is a kind of tacit understanding between us that does not manifest itself outside. With some guys there are some forms of extreme complicity, one can understand the other immediately, it is as if in their eyes I read a shy statement of love, or rather we can say, of interest, it is as if they were asking me not to go away, to stay alongside them. I’m not crazy, Project, I really think of attracting some guys very strongly, it’s a feeling I’ve been experiencing for a few months since I stopped to be afraid and desperately looking for the affection of someone who didn’t want to give me that affection. Will I become a very superficial gay guy? I don’t know. Of course I’m just having fun catching the guys just by glancing, and I can tell you it works! How do you choose a guy if you like three or four? Each one of them has something special and I don’t know who I should devote myself to. And then, Project, there’s also a negative side, since I started all these fantasies I also started studying less, I skipped two exams and I’ll have to try to stop fantasies not to stay behind whit University. I like more daydream than studying, and I like even more walking around looking for guys to fascinate. Sometimes I feel stupid but I also feel happy.

Hello Project, if you like, let me know what you think.

Henry

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GAY PAMPERING VERSUS GAY SEX

Hello Project,

I’m twenty years old and study engineering and all in all I’m pretty happy about my life. After some hesitation, I decided to write to you because reading for a long time your sites, I have been struck by the fact that you talk a lot about the affective world of gays rather than about the sexual one. By browsing the internet, I find a huge amount of gay sexual content or that looks gay, but in practice I do not find references to the gay affective world, which for me is very important. 

I confess that I considered myself as a sui generis  gay and asked myself several times if there was something wrong with me, since for me the idea of sex without love is inconceivable, that is, I cannot understand sex as a game, like something that can be done with the first cute guy passing and that is available. Until about a year ago I saw a lot of pornography but somehow I censured it by myself, I saw the part I was interested in, the most affective, then when the video went through the penetration I changed video. I feel 100% gay, I never fell in love with a girl, not even at minimal levels, but, I tell you clearly, I never had fantasies about anal penetration, which is something I cannot even conceive. 

I think of sex with a guy as something extremely sweet, tender, affectionate, with no script to be respected, I see it a little bit like a free and disinhibited being in two, a thorough reciprocal knowledge even from that point of view. For me, the fundamental thing would be to see my boyfriend’s convincing participation. Some gay friends whom I have spoken about these things have puzzled me because they told me that my sexuality is immature, almost childish more than adolescent or adult, they think that I’m very inhibited, that I’m afraid of certain sexual practices, but in principle I have nothing against anal sex, if someone likes it, do it freely, but it certainly is something I don’t feel mine and frankly I don’t feel less gay because of this. 

As you say, there are so many ways of being gay and my is much more affective than sexual, I need a guy who loves me, who wants to pamper me and get pampered by me, and, dear Project, a guy can be pampered in a thousand different ways and not just in bed. I always dreamed of meeting a gay guy who would love me among my fellow students to be able to study together, but I often thought that if my boyfriend was studying other things, I would let him study quiet but at six in the afternoon I would take him a cup of tea with some sliced bread with a bit of butter and jam. This means also pampering for me. Pampering means taking care of the loved guy, trying to make him feel good. It is not trivial, loving a guy cannot be reduced to a sex issue, it takes a dimension of intimacy, mutual trust, credibility. 

I like sex, too, but it has to come all out of my mind spontaneously. And then hugging each other naked in bed is a way to have sex, is a direct and intimate contact with your boyfriend, a way of perceiving his warmth, her breathing, the beat of his heart, is just the shared intimacy that is beautiful and I really like it a lot. I understand and desire a true intimacy even without sex, but sex without affectivity, that is, without love I will never understand it. I’m romantic inside. I happened to find guys who made explicit suggestions about sex, but by saying that it was only sex for them, I replied: “No, thank you!” And they looked at me with astonishment, maybe it was the first time someone was saying them “No, thank you”. 

I dream of being in bed with my boyfriend, embracing him and seeing that he is good with me and that he wants to stay there, that our thoughts go in unison, that there are no mental reservations, double bottoms, and unambiguous motivations. I dream that we can caress, that we can huddle each other and then also do a bit of sex, but always in a reciprocal way, I dream to be able to intimately touch my boyfriend, to masturbate him and see that he’s is happy to be with me, obviously he would have with me the freedom to do spontaneously what he wants, the only limit must be what is good for me as well. This should be the only true limit of individual spontaneity: respect the limits of the other, never try to impose something. 

I have often found guys convinced that they had understood what sex was, who assumed that their way of seeing things was not only good for them but was the only way to see gay sexuality. Frankly, I do not think there are two gay boys with the same behaviors and the same sexual and affective desires. Cuddles are not something just for kids, and then there is a reflection that comes to my mind now: also animals like cuddles. My neighbor has a big white dog that people leave because they are afraid of him, but that dog when he sees me starts to wag his tail, then he falls to the ground and I start to caress him and he closes his eyes and I see that he is satisfied. The desire for pampering is so ancestral to be even common with animals, a bit like sex, because pampering transmits safety, tranquility, heat, in short, helps to be well. I think that many gay people like me really exist, though I have not met them so far. I greet you, Project, if you put this mail in your forum, maybe some gay lover of pampering will feel less alone and encouraged to go on.

David

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GAY GUYS AND SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES

Dear Project,

today for the first time I had the evidence of the stupidity of some guys and I also sent one of them to hell, not to say worse, even though he was a very good guy in many respects and I liked him a lot. I’ve always been afraid of sexually transmitted diseases and I’ll explain why, and some of the things you’ve told me have accentuated my fears. I do not think that happiness can be achieved just though sex, though sex is still a thing that creates a true dimension of intimacy, however, thinking of ruining life for five minutes of unprotected sex with an unknown guy seems to me the classic behavior of a totally irresponsible person. 

I had a friend, or better, luckily, I still have a friend, he is a guy of Irish origin, I’ll call him Patrick, even though this is not his name. Patrick has become HIV positive for underestimating the risks. It is true that now being HIV positive does not turn immediately to AIDS because there are antiretroviral drugs that control the situation well enough and that’s why the outlook is far less terrible than a few decades ago, but Patrick’s life will be permanently conditioned by the HIV. I’ve seen how Patrick changed after the diagnosis and everything he needs to do for therapy and related clinical controls and are not at all banal things, and anyway HIV is not definitely eliminated. 

Talking to Patrick causes me distress and it causes me also rage because no one has ever made him reason, on the other hand I too didn’t even do it, I thought he was very careful about prevention but it did not happen, and I cannot even blame him because he did not have risky behaviors or at least he did not seem to have risky behaviors. He had sex only with his partner and his partner didn’t know he was HIV positive. So, in essence, no one and not even his partner is really guilty of what happened. You could try to figure out who has infected his partner but you would end up tracing back the infection chain without any real utility. 

The only way to avoid what happened would have been to test before having sexual intercourse and repeat the test after the window period without having sexual intercourses between the two tests, but it’s a long thing, not easy to accomplish and people end to neglect it with the terrible consequences that Patrick is now facing. I must say that I am very informed about HIV (I study Medicine) and I have continued to attend Patrick, but many of his friends, having known that he is HIV positive, abandoned him completely and this has greatly aggravated his psychological situation. 

After I saw how Patrick’s life changed (because of these things I often talk with him), I became absolutely uncompromising in terms of prevention, I would say almost maniac. At that time I had not had already any sexual intercourse with anyone and I was quiet for my personal situation, but later I also had a boyfriend. Until a few months ago, I was with a guy who unfortunately got tired of staying with me and has gone, but from the perspective of prevention he was a guy with the brain in the head. When we thought we could have sexual intercourse, we went together to test and another time four months later for the window effect, clearly we went together to test and retire the results, so as to take away any doubt, therefore, when we had sexual intercourse we did not have in the background the ghost of the fear of HIV. 

There is not only HIV but there are several other sexually transmitted diseases, which make perhaps less frightening but are able to cause anyway serious damages. And then, if one goes to test, he becomes also more careful and learns that prevention is a fundamental thing. Of course we waited four and a half months to have sex, but when we did, we could only think about sex and not about the possible risks. Okay, this was my ex-boyfriend, and losing him caused me trouble, because he was not the type of sexual escapades, he had met Patrick, and Patrick had shown him very closely that the risks really exist. Anyway my ex-boyfriend left because we were thinking about other things in very different ways, however he left, and bye! 

But since then it had been over a year and I was slowly falling in love with another guy, a very nice and very sweet guy, a guy I loved very much. We started chatting, then we met in the evening to talk a bit (he lives somewhere near my home). Then, inevitably, sexual expectations were also created. I told him about my story and he told me about his. At this point he thought we would come to sex immediately, because in our stories it didn’t seem to be any risk of sexually transmitted diseases, but in such things I don’t accept at all the word “seem”, and I told him that we had to do the double test before having sex, as I had done with my old boyfriend. He was very weirded by this speech. I quote here a piece of a mail about the subject:

 

“I felt treated like a leper. You do not trust what I tell you. But why should I tell you something false? Do you want to use the condom? Okay, that’s fine, but using it for oral sex just seems absurd. But you do not even need this, you just want to do the test and you want to do it twice! But so we have to throw away five months to wait. But do you feel right? And It’s all for a matter of principle, because you know that you can trust me. Please, try to think serenely and put aside absurd complexes!”

 

Obviously I could not give in, I told him I did not want any risk and our relationship began to crunch. We met another couple of times, the second time I told him about Patrick’s story because I thought that the story would cause him to reason but that didn’t happen at all and he reacted in a way that annoyed me and probably from here on our relationship went into crisis. I told him that Patrick had only had sex with his boyfriend and that his boyfriend did not know he was HIV positive. I had told him so because that was what really happened, but he started to do strange faces, almost insinuating that Patrick probably had had sex with so many guys and that he probably had infected his partner, but such things were all completely devoid of sense, because he had heard Patrick’s name for the first time just 10 minutes before. Then I became the target of his frustrations, he considered me a psychopath. In the end he put an ultimatum

 

“or tonight we do it and as I like, or our story is over. I think you’ll be happy.”

 

I cannot stand ultimatums, and even less that someone judges without knowing what he is talking about, nevertheless I tried to make him understand my point of view and said:

 

“But how can you not understand that it is not a psychological problem but a real risk? Patrick trusted his boyfriend and came out devastated. You do not know him, you know nothing about him and you think you can judge him, but you don’t know how he is now, you should meet him and understand so much more. Anyway I do not blame you, before I saw closely Patrick’s story, I too considered these things very superficially, it was he who taught me to reason and not to trust. I’m not full of complexes about sex as you think, I’m not trying to get away from anything, before I knew you, I had a boyfriend and we had sex a lot of times, but it was safe sex. I’ve seen more than once worried guys for having had unprotected sex, guys who have been waiting for the test results with a terrible anxiety, they felt extremely worried because they felt as if they had played a game similar to the Russian roulette. In the end, things have gone well for them, but your answer: “So why should not go well to you?” It seems completely absurd, because to Patrick things went wrong. But, sorry, is it not better also for you to have security at another level? It’s about waiting, and then we can be well together even without sex, not forever, but only for a while.”

 

After this message he disappeared altogether. Now he is not with me, but there is not even fear in the background. I told Patrick that this guy was gone and he said to me:

 

“He has had a really childish behavior, if he really wanted to, he would have understood, but he preferred trying to force things and impose his point of view, and this is already not a good sign and in fact he has tried to impose an imprudent behavior, which means that it underestimates the risks and as he did it on this occasion he could have done the same in the future. I think that if the guys could see closely the problems caused by HIV they would use much more brain and with a serious education on prevention, the risk of AIDS could be slowly eliminated.”

 

If you want to post this mail, post it, I think you should absolutely publish it because making the guys aware of the risks of unprotected sex might be equivalent to saving their lives.

A hug.

James

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A MARRIED GAY NOT IN CRISIS

Hello Project,

thank you for your last mail that I didn’t expect and made me very happy. We live in different countries, we are of different ages, but in the end we can understand each other fairly well. Perhaps the fact that you are really far from here allows me to express myself more freely. It strikes me that in theory we should have talked especially if not only about sex and instead we ended up talking about work, prospects for the future and a thousand other things. For a 36-year-old gay man like me, it’s very important to have a friend to talk freely without feeling judged. Already the status of gays is complicated because the aggressiveness of the people is strong, but a married gay, at least here where I live, is considered a monster, a pathological case, one which can in no case be a good husband or a good father. You already know my story and know that I have been particularly lucky because I have a real dialogue with my wife, she knows everything about me and she loves me, and I love her well too. Time ago I often wondered if by chance I was bisexual rather than gay, because I love my wife and I can also have sex with her, then I came to the conclusion that I love her because she is a good girl who really wants me and, when I told her what I was thinking about guys, she helped me to be what I really was. She did not blame me and told me that I was a good dad and that she wanted me well without any condition. You can understand, that after months of hesitation, hearing  such a speech has put me in a state of incredible euphoria. But exchanging some mail with you allows me to understand so many other things and to overcome many problems or false problems that I have had for years, such as the guilty feelings for the marriage and the idea of ruining my wife’s life and then I began to focus on the problem of the relationship between affection and sexuality and to understand the real fears my wife can have and of which she doesn’t speak to me. I also knew better how my wife could consider my situation and its possible evolution in the future. I honestly say that at the beginning I did not give much weight to the fact that if I had sexual intercourses with men without adequate protection I would not put just myself at risk but she too. In practice I understand that I must always be very careful about prevention. Until recently, the idea of “trying” with a man came often back to my mind, then you made me understand that what matters is to create a real relationship that can last in time, with or without sex, and I realized that I may have sexually wanted a guy but I never fell in love with a guy. Maybe I would have gay friends to be myself without embarrassment. I think of something that may seem odd, now I feel much less conditioned in masturbation. In the early days I took it as a true betrayal of my wife, I told myself that I had already destroyed the marriage, and then, talking to you, I saw things in a completely different way. I was amazed when you told me I could talk about also to my wife because I never considered such a thing possible. The following day I was courageous and talked to her and she told me that she would be surprised by the opposite and that she did not feel betrayed or offended by the fact that I masturbated thinking about guys. Project, but why didn’t I ever fall in love with a guy? I did a lot of sexual fantasies about guys, but I never fell in love with a guy. Maybe I’m less gay than I think I am, or maybe I have not found the right guy yet, and then why did I contact you, who are far from here and I will probably never know in person to be able to talk freely about these things? It would have been easier to find a gay guy here, but I didn’t do it and I tried to protect myself avoiding any risk of outing.

Perhaps a profound reason for which I love my wife is that she knew everything but she told nothing to anyone, not even her parents or sister, she teamed up with me and with no one else and this reassures me. I keep sleeping with my wife in the double bed and it does not embarrass me at all and I think that it doesn’t embarrass her either, because between us there is some intimacy, even sexual, she doesn’t refuse me and this seems to me almost incredible. Our life is now focused on our son, Matthew, who has just completed two years. When I don’t work in the afternoon I’m home with Matthew and we play together, I throw myself on the ground, I take him on horseback and I see him happy. My wife occasionally comes into the room and sees all this movement and I think she too is happy, then she goes in the scene, she also throws on the carpet and we play in three. Two months ago Matthew was not fine and on that occasion I found with my wife a moment of complete concordance, we looked into our eyes, without saying anything, she went to dress Matthew and I went to pick up the keys of the car and we brought him to the pediatric emergency room. They visited him and sent us home, indicating a therapy to be followed, which we did with the utmost care and Matthew is cured all in three days. Project, I feel that my wife and I really form a family, I know that she will be with me in any case, and she was with me even when she knew of my gay fantasies! Can a man (my hypothetical partner) do something like this? Frankly I do not think so! Not that I believe that this is impossible in general, but I think it would be impossible in my case, because I already have a family and I feel it mine, that is, I will not put it in crisis for any reason. With my wife we also did a reasoning that I never had imagined, she asked me: “But do you think we could have a second son?” And I replied, “Sure!” She smiled and said, “Ok, let’s wait for Matthew to be three years old!” So my wife doesn’t consider our family as a family in crisis and really it is not. My gay fantasies are not destructive and my wife realizes it. I know this is a more unique than rare condition, because in married gay stories I have read terrible things about struggles with the wives for children’s reliance. In practice, everyone took for indispensable the separation and then the divorce and intended to build a gay family, meaning that their being gay was incompatible with their heterosexual marriage. And that was true even in the presence of children, which seems to me truly inconceivable. However, it should also be said that they had wives with whom they had only formal and economic relationships. One thing I still have to say about my wife: between me and her we never, and I just say never, talked about money and certainly we do not navigate in gold. if she has made a purchase I know for sure that it could not have been done better. I also think that the idea of divorce has never really come to my mind. Who knows, maybe having a gay friend over the ocean it’s enough for me! Am I really gay? From all that I’ve written you might be able to doubt it, but I believe it is. I do very little use of pornography, while I like very much the gay movies in which tenderness dominates, because it’s basically what I would like for me. I wonder how it would be a real couple relationship with a man, I often think about, but I cannot imagine it. Would a gay accept the idea that I keep coming with my wife, including some tenderness? And I also wonder if my wife, if I really had a companion, would continue to demonstrate all the mental openness she now demonstrates when I do not have any companion. Would her attitude endure the proof of reality? It would be a terrible trial for her. Now I’m a gay (because I’m gay, though more sexually than emotionally) who lives like a straight but doesn’t live badly, I’m an anomalous guy both as heterosexual and as gay. I talked about you with my wife and she read your e-mails, I have to say she liked them very much, she tells that “you also know about women!” Now I leave you, Project, because I feel that Matthew woke up and he needs his dad.

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