THE MEANING OF A GAY FRIENDSHIP

Hi Project,
at the beginning of 2017 I thought: new year old life, not only in the sense that nothing would have changed, but in the sense of a life old man style. Things have changed a bit today. Last night we exchanged a few words in chat. I’m a little younger than you, but the way is that. I have long since stopped looking for a partner. In the course of my life I’ve had only one, he was a good man, we were already over 50 and we got together, I don’t even know why, with the usual illusion that putting together two desperations, something good can come out. 
For a while it worked, then he started to feel bad, but not on a psychological level, he had big health problems, it was an ordeal from one hospital to another and after six months of genuine anguish he was gone, he left at age 54. After that story, I said: that’s enough. I never wanted to live situations like that again, because they are really destructive: you see that the person you love is going from bad to worse day after day and you only hope that everything ends soon, because you know very well that there aren’t other possibilities. 
Then, after it happened, a tremendous period of emptiness came to me. Fortunately I worked and I could not let myself go to the melancholy. But when I came home I felt damned alone and discouraged. I no longer have relationships with my family of origin, my parents are dead, my brother lives abroad and we no longer call each other neither for Christmas. In short, I felt desperately alone, and then I was already old and the idea of starting over again I did not have it anymore. I had no objects of my partner. He didn’t write anything, we did not exchange gifts or something, we just lived together. After it happened I gave away his things, everything, basically clothes, he had no valuables of any kind and he used an old mobile phone that he never wanted to change. 
My house is now perfect: everything is almost maniacally standardized. I made an archive with all the papers that can be useful, from those of the condominium to the medical ones. I do everything to myself: wash, iron, clean the house, which is very easy, because I use paper dishes and at most I have to wash two small pots a day. In short, the house is all well arranged but it is empty, just me, indeed it would be better to say that I live there “alone”. Every now and then I read something gay, your forum but also others, and I am shocked by certain stories of the elderly man acting like young guys, that is, old people who have not yet understood that for them the ride of carousel, as Tiziano Terzani said, is almost finished. 
I don’t know what will remain of me. My partner is gone, so no one will have real memories of a bit of life really lived with me … and I have not done anything meaningful that is worth remembering, you could say “an unimportant gay”, and I feel just like that, let’s say it’s my stable tone of mood for years now. But, as I told you at the beginning, lately something has changed, I met, for work reasons, a thirty year old gay guy and we became friends, I underline it, only friends. We see each other very rarely, but it often happens that we talk by phone or on Skype. 
It is not a love story, he is a nice guy but I am very far from the idea of any strong involvement and he (this is really evident) has his own affective and sexual life that involves him in good or bad in a profound way. For him I’m just a friend, an older friend but just a friend. In a year, he came to my house no more than four or five times, and he always stayed shortly. He had lunch with me only once. It would all seem very trivial, but it is not at all. Now, through him, I am discovering so many things that I never imagined. 
According to my classic logic, at 60 you are depressed, but at 30 you jump of joy, this is what I thought, then I realized that being 30 years old is much more beautiful at 60 than at 30, and that guy, I will call him Lucas, has a thousand problems, some are just his own, are problems of character that it’s difficult to overcome, but many others derive from misunderstandings, and psychological games of various people he meets. 
I’m beginning to understand what the true life of a thirty year old gay guy is, which is certainly abysmally different from mine, because he still wants to fight and still believes in love, while I gave up for some time and threw in the towel without regrets. In our phone calls he talks to me about his troubles. He has the work that a little distracts him, because he works at an excellent level in the world of scientific research, but when, in the evening, he comes home he feels alone, and then he calls me and we chat a lot. 
I wondered why he decided to take me seriously, because he really takes me seriously, then maybe he does the opposite of what I would have done. He has no real gay friends, just acquaintances he hardly ever meets, with me, on the other hand, the evening phone call is now something recurrent, every day if he feels particularly bad, or every two or three days. He feels rejected by the guys who really interest him and is affected by a thousand complexes, blaming himself for everything. 
Between us there is not a real familiarity, when I speak with him I always fear to cross the limit, to use words or even affectionate tones that seem out of place. I never invite him to come to my house and I assume now that it cannot be otherwise. Our real bond is the telephone, about an hour in the evening, almost every evening. What can this guy bring in himself? He tells me that he doesn’t feel conditioned by me because he feels that I am not afraid of him, but after all it is not so true, because with him I don’t feel so free and I measure words. 
I know that unfortunately I cannot do anything useful for him, I listen, I never change the subject, I leave to him as much space as possible. It’s a strange friendship, I don’t understand exactly what sense it can have but I think there’s a sense that otherwise it would not go ahead. I am perfectly aware that a friendship of this kind will last until Lucas doesn’t have a boyfriend and frankly I hope that he will soon be able to find one as he wishes. When Lucas will be fine, I will feel alone once more, the ephemeral consistency of this relationship cannot empty it of its meaning. 
Not receiving Lucas phone calls would mean that he was able to rebuild his emotional world. He is not very confident that it can really happen, he has built slowly, by virtue of more or less disappointing experiences, a cuirass made of cynicism and he says that his cynicism has melted only a couple of times, when he has really believed to fall in love. Lucas is not an easy person, he is tormented inside, he is very insecure even if he is a scientist, he tends to give up immediately, to throw himself away, not to believe in himself, I think he has stopped dreaming for years, admitted and not granted that he has ever dreamed, probably, in spirit, he’s older than me. 
This is my life now. At least I feel useful to someone and it’s not a little thing. Do you have any suggestions, Project? Of course you can post the email where you want, because there are no sensitive elements. Thank you for the Project, which is a really useful thing even at my age.
Barto
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I STILL CONTINUE TO DREAM OF BOTH GAY LOVE AND GAY SEX

Hello Project, you talk about affectivity and sexuality, ok, I understand what you mean, but they are two things that always go together. I too fell in love with some guys, perhaps the affective aspect was slightly prevalent, but I say perhaps, because I just could not say so, there was sex, all right, restrained, braked, sublimated, everything you want, but it was certainly and strongly present. Then, there were also erotic dreams that today no more happen, but then there was and there is even now masturbation, ok, you could do it with porn but when you were in love, fantasy was enough, if then on that guy you also had a minimum of sexual memories, and I had, it was enough to recall them and there was no need for anything else. 
If I have to be honest, I have never lived totally sublimated relationships, that is without sexual fantasies of any kind, indeed my important stories were always accompanied by very intense sexual fantasies. Think that I had also had a girlfriend and had also had sex with her, but then, when I found myself with the first guy of my life, it was so different, so intense, so spontaneous, so without psychological complexes, so totally different from my relationship with my girlfriend, that I told myself I would never be with a girl again and so it was, because if one is gay, yes, he can even have sex with a girl sometimes, but it’s not what he is looking for. A guy who interests you upsets you, creates both an emotional and a sexual transport mingled down that has no possible comparison with a straight experience. 
I want to live with a man, I always tried to stay close to the guys, to create strong ties of friendship and even of sex with them, the fact is that I almost never succeeded, a couple of times yes, but then, after a few years, even those relationships are unfortunately over. I still see those guys, obviously not for sex, and I’m fine with them, but the fire of passion, if we want to say so, doesn’t exist anymore. 
It will seem paradoxical, Project, but now that I am 36 years old I am beginning to be afraid of being alone again. I wonder why I cannot live stable relationships, I don’t even know if it’s my fault or not, but it doesn’t happen. It is as if today the desire for a couple was diminished, nobody wants to commit, nobody wants to tie up with other guys. Something like a more or less friendly sex you can find it too, quite easily, but a guy to love no! It’s just a terrible thing. Sometimes deluded myself, I thought it would finally happen, but it didn’t happen, or rather it seemed like it had happened, but after a few months it was completely over. 
I dream of a guy to love, to love in every sense, a guy with whom to live a truly free and above all mutual sexuality, because I would like to find a true sexual harmony, which in practice I have never found 100%, but I would also like a guy with whom to share ordinary life, work concerns, economic ones, plans for the future. Am I still dreaming at 36? Did not the experience teach me anything? I should settle and say: ok, I’m fine with the first available, so I “settle”! Just like the ugly girls of the past (if they really did). No! So I’m better alone, because if I’m alone at least I’m free. Being in two is nice if you really love each other, otherwise it is better to be alone. A little sex without great expectations I find it even with some unlucky friend like me, and it’s already happened.
Bye, Pro!
John81
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GAY DATING IS HARD

This post is a kind of response and extended commentary to an Australian guy’s post.
I deal almost exclusively with guys “in the closet”, but the subject is very general: how to meet other gays is practically, and I would say of course, the most recurring thought in the minds of gay guys, what is difficult to understand is that these meetings involve real people and, as I often repeat, the “gay + gay = love” theorem has not ever been demonstrated but there are many evidences that indicate that it is just fantasy.
The Australian guy writes:
“I spent a very long time while I was in the closet convincing myself that I could never have a boyfriend and I had to get comfortable with that idea. Now that that’s changed and having a boyfriend is totally an option, I didn’t realize how important a romantic relationship is to me.”
In fact, the facilitated methods to meet other gays with specific apps or through dating sites and erotic chats, completely neglect the emotional dimension, which in reality is fundamental. The extreme simplification of the so-called “love speech” and the ease of access to other gay guys seem to promise happiness at a low price, but the meetings often show themselves disappointing, because the filter of careful selection through behavior is completely lacking. In the reality of everyday life it is possible to build step by step increasingly important affective relationships. Some think that friendship is a banality and that sex is happiness, but experience teaches that things are not like that at all.
Then there is the social pressure that leads us to think that having a boyfriend is synonymous with being adults. In fact, many guys complain that they are alone and don’t have “yet” a boyfriend, as if having a boyfriend was something mandatory, a real license for adult life. But before you feel good in two you have to feel good about yourself, which is anything but easy.
This is what the Australian guy writes:
“The strong independent guy in me say’s don’t worry about it and concentrate on being happy in yourself. But there’s a part of me that starts to wonder. At what point does it start to get weird that I’ve never actually had someone who I would refer to as my boyfriend?”
And he concludes his post with a bitter joke:
“But because I’d like to be optimistic I’ve already started planning my wedding to be determined at a later date.”
So many guys think that being openly gay is a necessary condition to create a happy couple life, but it’s not like that at all. I know many couples of gay guys “in the closet” or rather not “publicly” out who have their gay friends, and who live a wonderful couple life. They are usually stable couples of not very young people, far from the logic of the apps.
Has the Internet really facilitated things? In other words, has it made it really easier for gay guys to create real emotional contacts? Frankly I don’t think so. The idea of sex and also of affectivity as a consumer good is spreading and in this way the best of being gay is lost.
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GAY NEW YEAR’S DAY

Hi Project,
today is New Year’s Day and I’m alone in my house and have nothing to celebrate. I am 74 years old, I have worked a lifetime to buy my very small house and I have been cheated more than once by very bad people used to speculate about everything, but now I have my little house. I have brothers, sisters and nephews, but obviously they have their own world made of dances, of trips and of skiing in the snow, because they have the money to do it. Life, for everyone, even for them, in the end will nevertheless be disgusting, even if now they don’t realize it and when I talk to them I see that they didn’t understood anything and that they treat me like a half demented. I’m gay, they don’t know it, maybe they imagine it, but of course I’ve never talked about these things and on the other hand I’ve never had a partner. 
I feel proud of only one thing, that is, of not having given birth to children destined to suffer anyway. Youth, if you are rich, is a drunkenness of foolishness, you follow fashion, social role, and you don’t look around you, you don’t see in what a squalor so many people live, you don’t see that there are so many people abandoned to themselves that are slipping into the abyss of misery and depression. Yet nothing is done for these people and we continue to put children in the world in a completely irresponsible way. I’m gay and obviously I have no children, there will be no one condemned to live because of me. Frankly I never understood what my life is for: no children, false or non-existent family relationships, some pious illusions like religion, but it didn’t last long, and otherwise only a painful waiting for the hour. I’m still in quite good health, but years pass and every new year means to go down a step, this is my waiting for the future! I am now waiting for just one thing. Perhaps old people can no longer understand the world of young people, old people come to the awareness of the non-sense of life but cannot communicate it to anyone who is able to understand it. 
Yesterday I bought two over-thighs of chicken at the supermarket, this morning I put them to boil, with the broth I’ll make a little rice, then half a chicken over-thigh for lunch and a half for dinner and an orange, this will be my new year’s day. I’m looking forward to tomorrow because if I need the doctor at least I find him. My three brothers and my eight nephews have “forgotten” to wish me well, and I understand them, because my little house, divided among eight heirs, is a very miserable thing and it is not worth wasting time with an old uncle. But I’m better like this. 
I saw the Pope’s Mass, he’s an old man too, he tries to say something good, but nobody listens to him, who knows what he really thinks inside of himself. I’m always afraid of falling asleep with the fire on, I have to buy a kitchen with a safety system that extinguishes the fire if the temperature rises too much, or, and perhaps better, a time-controlled electric cooker, at least I can feel comfortable. I didn’t buy the telesalvalavita Beghelli (an alarm device), because I should connect it with the phones of my brothers and my nephews … and no, that’s not what I want to do. I was thinking of making a will in favor of a charity, but I am still uncertain, my nephews throw  a lot of money and they certainly don’t need mine. 
At the end of November I learned that a very nice gentleman died, we always greeted each other on the stairs, then I did not see him anymore because he ended up in the hospital and died there after three weeks. Now an agency came to his house to take care of the apartment (a much better apartment than mine) and took away all the furniture to make the renovation, from the way they took away the furniture it was obvious that everything would end up in rubbish dump, furniture, but also books and many other things, the memories of a life all in rubbish dump. Well, I don’t make it that long, so you understand, and I’m going to see at what point is the broth.
I don’t know whether to wish you a happy new year, because it would seem to make fun of you, I’ll just tell you that reading something of Gay Project pulls me out of the well of melancholy. Bye.
Philip (from Milan)
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SCIENTIFIC HYPOTHESIS ON THE ORIGIN OF GAYS

In the first period of interplanetary exploration, we realized that on Mars there was no life or at least there was no life evolved in intelligence; since then (around the beginning of the 21st century), the existence of Martians was archived, as a ridiculous hypothesis, for more than a century. However, recent explorations of the red planet have completely altered this theory.
The “Geo-Mars” mission, which ended in 2123, found in the subsoil of Mars abundant signs of a highly developed Martian civilization at a technological level. Archaeological evidence showed that it was a small community of a few thousand individuals, the technological findings are numerous but their interpretation divides scientists … some objects seem similar to mobile phones like those used at the beginning of the last century, but scientists don’t understand what kind of energy could make them work and above all they don’t understand their exact function, some discoveries left the scientists amazed: have been found very detailed maps of the planet Earth, as it had to appear between the sixth and the seventh century BC.
For many years no direct traces of the Martians have been found, either in terms of images or writing or something that might appear similar to writing and the mystery of Mars has thickened. What greatly amazed the scientists was the recent discovery of a wooden box or better of a box made of a material that looks like wood (material that doesn’t exist on Mars), containing parchments or things that look like parchments written in a language that looks like an archaic form of Greek (similar to linear B). These documents were brought to Earth to try to decipher it. At the end of the mission of 2123, only one thing seemed certain: the Martians existed, at least up to the VII-VI century BC, even if only archaeological traces remain. The real shocking news came from the Greek paleography school of the University of Athens. The documents reported on the Earth appear to be actually written in an archaic form of Greek. Some texts, a fundamental document and a few others, with some uncertainties, have been translated and published, below you can read some passages.
“In the year 56765 of the fourth body from the shining Sun (probably therefore of Mars) the people of the Fourthians (Martians), having failed the conditions for the preservation of life, left their city of Underfourthian, in the subsoil of Forthian, and transferred to Thirdian (on the Earth). We, Fourthians, have chosen to assume in all the appearance of the inhabitants of Thirdian to live between them and we have also chosen to select our genes to make them compatible with those of the inhabitants of Thirdian, our species are therefore compatible and our genes can recombine with those of the inhabitants of Thirdian. On the basis of probabilistic laws the population of Thirdian, in a few years, will be constituted for 92% of pure Thirdians (pure Terrestrials) and for 8% of pure Fourthians. Our physical appearance will be indistinguishable from that of the Thirdians and we will also assimilate their language and, partially, their culture, but in some things we will not mix with them, only the Fourthians know and will know what these things are.”
A lot of the other documents reproduced treaties of alliance between Greek cities, one of them, Fourthian, seems to have been the first residence of the Fourthians on Earth. The prospects opened up by the new discoveries are shocking … the Martians are among us! All the remaining documents referred to philosophical-scientific and political questions, from them the scientists deduce that Fourthians had a singular instinct of freedom and lived in a society without laws, among them only one behavior was sanctioned: the attempt to limit the freedom of others and it can also be inferred from some documents that Fourthians had a particular tendency to reason avoiding metaphysics, at any level, it seems that all their way of life was based on two fundamental elements: the reason and the affective involvement, elements to which they seemed to give equal dignity. But we cannot deduce more than that from the translation of documents that present gaps, sometimes in essential points, gaps that don’t appear random: everything that describes the relations of the Fourthians with the Thirdians is explicit and understandable, all that seems to allude to relationships of the Fourthians between themselves is instead evanescent and incomprehensible because it is incomplete and, probably, deliberately incomplete.
Once it was thought that Martians were bad, and so much science-fiction literature was produced in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries starting from this idea and, after all, even today, many scientists are led to give it credit. It was also thought that the Martians were green, very strange in shape, that they spoke an incomprehensible language made up of well-modulated whistles and ultrasounds, but today all this makes no sense anymore. Today we have the certainty that Martians are among us.
Diary of Kennet White, New York 21/1/2127
Today I have been at the university … a terrible lesson … all nonsense and then, above all, the apology of oppression … they call it moral … if there is a moral rule that can make sense it is only the respect for the freedom of others … here everybody still reasons in terms of good and evil … but only in the abstract … all metaphysics … a professor who does the metaphysics of war and then talks about freedom … but do they know what freedom is? … they talk about it … but it’s a metaphysical freedom, they talk about morality but their morality consists in limiting the freedom of others, in condemning, in pulling out sentences … anything but respect … here respect for others doesn’t exist at all and then I live such a situation on my skin … freedom … respect … but here the hypocrisy is the rule! … but what can you do? You are in the midst of a mass of people but you feel lonely … they speak another language … we will never understand each other… never! Sometimes I have the impression of being from another planet … mah! Tomorrow yet another recital … every day you have to pretend, there is no remedy … let me open the communicator … there are a dozen messages … my Monday’s speech must have made an impression … let’s see.- Hello Kennet … I read your speech … you will make political career …… No! This must be deleted immediately … – Ugly fool but who do you think you are? … You look like an alien … This too to delete … – Kennet, I read your speech with interest and I would like to give you some advice … this too to delete … In short, ten messages not so bad … one of insults, all the others positive … but a little … how to say … a little … far … when I speak they understand me or better they understand what they can understand on the basis of their experience … but it is an experience that is very far from mine … another message has arrived … let’s see … – The things you said I feel them mine … obviously we are Martians … now you’re not alone anymore … now we are two.
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DO NOT JUDGE OTHER GAYS

Hi Project,
I read some parts of your book “Being Gay” and I was struck by the idea of gay morality, that is, the idea of distinguishing between good and bad or at least less good homosexuality. In this way, I believe that you want to highlight what is good about homosexuality, and I can only agree with you on this, but unfortunately, underlining what’s good, you end up also underlining what is or may be negative and here I could still agree with you, but with some significant limitation.

Project, you say you are absolutely secular and I respect you for this, I come from a rather traditional Catholic education, in theory I should have learned to distinguish good from bad but I also learned not to judge and not to underestimate the reasons of others, even those who have very different lifestyles from mine.

I am now close to 70 years and every time I happen to have a serious dialogue with someone who has lived experiences far away from mine I realize that if on one side I keep my tendency to judge, for the other I am strongly held back by the fact that the wrong things, when they are seen closely are much less strange and wrong than they appear when they are viewed only from a distance or are considered only in theory.

I was talking a few days ago with a guy who was not yet thirty and, as my old habit and my fault, I was for the umpteenth time trying to put myself in the chair, but fortunately I stayed and I left room for that guy. He spoke to me with great sincerity of his life experiences and I felt completely disarmed, I realized that my moralistic arguments made no sense when compared to hard experiences such as those experienced by that guy. I felt a total imbecile, one who deluded himself to understand everything without really having any knowledge of what he is talking about. My world seemed to me only a pile of empty talk.

What would I have done if I had found myself in the situations in which the guy found himself? What would I have chosen? And then, I would have had a real chance to choose? That guy was radically different from me in his attitudes because he had a life radically different from mine and much harder than mine. Years ago I would have misjudged guys like him, I would have said that they had the fixed idea of sex, but, after all, I saw more and more clearly the stupidity of these judgments.

The morality of my being gay, or at least what seems to me to be the morality of my being gay, if I want to tell the whole truth, probably comes to me from my Catholic formation, which has somehow preserved me from the hardest experiences, that is, the my being a Catholic made me a gay man in a very particular way, but beware, this is a more prudent, wiser, more controlled way, but perhaps even more hypocritical and less substantially participatory. I did what all the boys do, including sex, even if with caution, I’m not a saint and I reproach myself especially for not doing that little good I could do, then I stop to reflect and I wonder what turned me away, for example, from the search for unrestrained sex, and honestly, thinking about it, I don’t think it was Catholic education but fear, that is brutally the need to save face, which is still very mean, here the border between morality and meanness becomes much less clear.

The need to save face for me was valuable only because I was never really 100% myself and above all I was never put with my back to the wall from situations really stronger than me, as happened to that guy because in that case I would probably have behaved exactly like him. When we go to the substance of things, the morality of people, rather than an individual quality is the result of a context and the same concepts of merit and guilt lose their clear contours.

After all, Pope Francis himself said. “Who am I to judge a gay?” It seemed like an awkward phrase, which wanted to indicate an opening, but it is a phrase that has an extremely serious meaning. I tried to apply that phrase to myself and I came to the conclusion that I have no right to judge. Even those who go in search of desperate and almost neurotic sex can have their own moral and that moral is not worse than mine, and is only apparently different.

From the dialogue with that guy I understood that sex did not bring him happiness at all and that in him the need to be loved and respected for what he really is is very much alive, I would even say that it is much more alive than in me. We were talking for hours and we realized that there was a profound mutual respect between us, a mutual respect that was almost unexpected but absolutely real.

Project, allow me a digression, I, who am a gay man and I don’t want to lose contact with my faith, I greatly admire Pope Francis, because, in my opinion, he has brought Christianity back to its founding values, has not made controversy with modernity but he sought out people and their suffering, essentially he did not judge but tried to make his voice heard in favor of the last ones. Doing something good and concrete without judging anyone, this is his style.

In short, now I feel that my being gay can be truly reconcilable with my being a Christian, at least to a certain extent. I know you have argued the opposite, but you have argued it in other times, and I would like to understand what you think today, after Pope Francis gave a more evangelical reading of Catholicism. Excuse me if I allowed myself to provoke you with this mail but I respect you very much and I’d like to know if you’re always of the same opinion. I would like to emphasize that I really appreciate what you do.
Paul
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Hi Paul, I have read your mail with great interest. Yes: do not judge! It is an evangelical principle but it is also a secular moral duty. What you say about that guy, I have happened several times and put me in crisis several times. Now my tendency to judge has greatly reduced and I have recovered the awareness of my ignorance and of my incapacity. I think I still have a lot to learn and unfortunately, at my age, I will not have time to understand many things, but certainly I will keep under control the idea of judging.

As for Pope Francis, I cannot deny that, although I feel radically secular, I listen with the utmost attention to what he says and try to treasure it. I also have the impression that he has brought Catholicism back to more authentically evangelical values. Catholicism is not or should not be an ideology. I would say that he is a pope who has substantially secular attitudes that can be shared by many reasonable people even outside the Catholic Church, he has undoubtedly courage. I cannot deny that, especially in the last few months, I was very impressed by the fact that Francis never emphasizes the divisions but seeks the collaboration of men of good will to make all together something good and concrete. Indeed, Pope Francis did not judge but tried to pursue the good by committing himself to the peripheries of the world. I am only sorry that he is now an old man because his presence could be dismissed quickly after his departure from the scene, and I believe that, if this happened, it would be detrimental to everyone, Catholics and others. Well, I think you can understand pretty well what I think of Pope Francis.

Paul, I thank you very much for your “provocation”! I wish there were so many provocations like this!
Project

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GAY FASCINATION

Hello Project,
I am a twenty-year-old dreamer, who unfortunately has already had big bangs and still continues to fall in love with nice guys he comes in contact with. I also know that among those guys there is someone from whom I’d better keep away. Project, I have not done anything with these guys yet, but I feel attracted to them, and end up with them with seductive behaviors, in short, I court them, and I don’t even know if they are gay, some reject me and keep me away, but someone goes on talking to me and I perceive that he is also interested in me, and I don’t court a single guy at a time, but two or three, because, although differently, I like all of them. I know I should be much more attentive to what I do, because my behavior can expose me to risks, but I cannot hold back, I see a nice guy, I come near, we exchange two words and then I try to extend the conversation and sometimes I succeed. Before all this, I was in love with a guy at a time, I was willing to do anything to capture his attention, and it happened a couple of times, now I can only say that I like some guys who attract me because they are physically beautiful, are just my type of guy, but I don’t think I’m really in love with them, it’s kind of like I’ve had an evolution, I might even say at worse, from a single guy at a time to two or three at the same time, and from falling in love to being infatuated. I especially like the tenderness of these guys together with a very good male body, my ideal is a very virile guy but also very gentle, very sensitive. I don’t know if such two things can be together, in theory I think so, but the experiences I did would seem rather no. Then there are the intermediate situations: that of a beautiful guy but a bit rough and that of a sensitive guy but with a poorly cared or not strong body. In short, Project, I dream of these guys, in the drowsiness I imagine to be with them and to pamper them. I also exchange glances with strangers, and inside of me something wakes up, and I think something wakes up inside them as well, because sometimes they turn their eyes awkwardly embarrassed. Sometimes I think I have a power over men, that is, I think to fascinate them, especially the gay ones obviously, is like there is a kind of tacit understanding between us that does not manifest itself outside. With some guys there are some forms of extreme complicity, one can understand the other immediately, it is as if in their eyes I read a shy statement of love, or rather we can say, of interest, it is as if they were asking me not to go away, to stay alongside them. I’m not crazy, Project, I really think of attracting some guys very strongly, it’s a feeling I’ve been experiencing for a few months since I stopped to be afraid and desperately looking for the affection of someone who didn’t want to give me that affection. Will I become a very superficial gay guy? I don’t know. Of course I’m just having fun catching the guys just by glancing, and I can tell you it works! How do you choose a guy if you like three or four? Each one of them has something special and I don’t know who I should devote myself to. And then, Project, there’s also a negative side, since I started all these fantasies I also started studying less, I skipped two exams and I’ll have to try to stop fantasies not to stay behind whit University. I like more daydream than studying, and I like even more walking around looking for guys to fascinate. Sometimes I feel stupid but I also feel happy.
Hello Project, if you like, let me know what you think.
Henry
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