GAY FASCINATION

Hello Project,
I am a twenty-year-old dreamer, who unfortunately has already had big bangs and still continues to fall in love with nice guys he comes in contact with. I also know that among those guys there is someone from whom I’d better keep away. Project, I have not done anything with these guys yet, but I feel attracted to them, and end up with them with seductive behaviors, in short, I court them, and I don’t even know if they are gay, some reject me and keep me away, but someone goes on talking to me and I perceive that he is also interested in me, and I don’t court a single guy at a time, but two or three, because, although differently, I like all of them. I know I should be much more attentive to what I do, because my behavior can expose me to risks, but I cannot hold back, I see a nice guy, I come near, we exchange two words and then I try to extend the conversation and sometimes I succeed. Before all this, I was in love with a guy at a time, I was willing to do anything to capture his attention, and it happened a couple of times, now I can only say that I like some guys who attract me because they are physically beautiful, are just my type of guy, but I don’t think I’m really in love with them, it’s kind of like I’ve had an evolution, I might even say at worse, from a single guy at a time to two or three at the same time, and from falling in love to being infatuated. I especially like the tenderness of these guys together with a very good male body, my ideal is a very virile guy but also very gentle, very sensitive. I don’t know if such two things can be together, in theory I think so, but the experiences I did would seem rather no. Then there are the intermediate situations: that of a beautiful guy but a bit rough and that of a sensitive guy but with a poorly cared or not strong body. In short, Project, I dream of these guys, in the drowsiness I imagine to be with them and to pamper them. I also exchange glances with strangers, and inside of me something wakes up, and I think something wakes up inside them as well, because sometimes they turn their eyes awkwardly embarrassed. Sometimes I think I have a power over men, that is, I think to fascinate them, especially the gay ones obviously, is like there is a kind of tacit understanding between us that does not manifest itself outside. With some guys there are some forms of extreme complicity, one can understand the other immediately, it is as if in their eyes I read a shy statement of love, or rather we can say, of interest, it is as if they were asking me not to go away, to stay alongside them. I’m not crazy, Project, I really think of attracting some guys very strongly, it’s a feeling I’ve been experiencing for a few months since I stopped to be afraid and desperately looking for the affection of someone who didn’t want to give me that affection. Will I become a very superficial gay guy? I don’t know. Of course I’m just having fun catching the guys just by glancing, and I can tell you it works! How do you choose a guy if you like three or four? Each one of them has something special and I don’t know who I should devote myself to. And then, Project, there’s also a negative side, since I started all these fantasies I also started studying less, I skipped two exams and I’ll have to try to stop fantasies not to stay behind whit University. I like more daydream than studying, and I like even more walking around looking for guys to fascinate. Sometimes I feel stupid but I also feel happy.
Hello Project, if you like, let me know what you think.
Henry
__________

If you like, you can participate in the discussion of this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-fascination

Advertisements

OLD GAYS AND GAY CULTURE

Being gay and being old is basically different from a generic being old without any other specification? In theory it may seem that adding the adjective gay to old age the substance of the facts does not actually change, but a difference between a generic old age and a gay old age exists and is of considerable weight: gays do not have a family ‘they will probably have a family a long way to go and even then having a mate at a legal level means almost always having a peer or almost a peer mate, but for an old man the sense of the family is identified with having around people of other generations that are somehow linked by strong affective links to the old man and support him during old age, especially in the weaker stages where autonomy is diminished.

A gay is not a ring of a chain that will continue, a gay is the last ring of a chain and as such is destined to remain alone. Even those who have children can be basically alone and can in some cases feel more solitude because they have desired the affection of children for years and can see such hopes completely vanished in the sense that being abandoned by children is even worse than having no one to rely on. From this point of view an old gay is more protected, it is impossible for him to be disillusioned because it is impossible for him to be deluded.

An old gay will end up being an old man tolerated because he is essentially an alien to the lives of his relatives who will be close to him. An old gay tends to remain autonomous as long as he can, to avoid being a burden to anyone and at the same time to not limit his own freedom and privacy by reducing himself to being run by others, but time will still lead him to a condition of dependence and not of dependence on children but on people who are less likely to be really interested in giving him real support. An old man with children can accept to depend on them, although such a situation may be heavy, it’s at least natural, he can delegate to his children all decisions, even those that concern him most directly. In any case, children have an inheritance expectation that in any case would belong to them, and take care of old parents is generally not due to reasons of economic interest. When you have to rely on strangers or distant relatives, the speech is completely different and reasons of the economic interest really exist, when, even if small, there is a legacy.

I would like to add something I’ve been thinking about, an old gay over a bit of money and material goods also has a set of objects that have a profoundly private dimension for him: his books, his computer, his mail kept away over the years, his writings, poems, diaries. Where it would end all these things if they came to the hands of heirs driven only by economic interest? Probably would be thrown away in a very short time and the reflections of a life would end up in the garbage. An old gay usually holds a lot of his memories, his writings, his photos, things that are not of interest to others. All those things are part of a culture, a culture that is entirely special, that others cannot understand, which for them is not only foreign but is even a disvalue.

An old gay would be very interested that his world, after him, would not be completely destroyed, that at least a part of his experience might be useful to somebody. Anyone who has children can be deluded to transfer to the children feelings and values, on the contrary, the man who does not have children and belongs to a culture in some aspects (and are basic aspects) separate, would like to have a similar possibility of transfer contents in a chain that passes from generation to generation.

An old gay remembers that when he was young it was very difficult for him to have clear ideas about homosexuality, if he had been able to enjoy the wealth of experience accumulated by others before him, most likely, awareness would have been quicker, more complete and less problematic.

There is a specific gay culture, certainly evolving but real, strongly rooted in personal experience of any gay, but still today this culture is substantially reduced to what comes out of official culture, in terms of books and films. If a gay goes to see a movie like Maurice or reads Forster’s novel, he feels the movie and the book as part of his own culture, recognizes his roots, but apart from these great monuments of cinema or literature, now consecrated by celebrity, the heritage of the diffused gay culture, elaborated through the experience of millions of people who have not arrived to the notoriety, is unfortunately destined to perish with the death of those who lived those experiences.

Time ago I published pages from the war diary of two Italian soldiers who had fought against the English army in Libia on the Egyptian border http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/sh…php?tid=91 . From those pages you could guess the true story of the two guys, those pages have been saved by pure chance but are a very rare exception, especially if you think that we are talking about the diary of two soldiers. I wondered what could really be behind those diary pages, what feelings, clearly not expressed and inexpressible, what frustrations, how they considered and lived their life. These are fragments of gay culture linked to the lived life and unfortunately are just fragments.

Nowadays the possibility to collect our writings is certainly much greater, but the enormous amount of supply and the overwhelming commercial dimension of the culture make in fact a bad service to gay culture that too often assumes an ideological dimension and omits the narrative biographical dimension , the introspective and poetic perspective that would give gay culture a dimension much more tied to reality.

Each of us, insofar as he can, makes history and elaborates a piece of gay culture in the extended sense of the term. It is a culture often hidden and deliberately neglected, yet in the life of each one there are seemingly unique and unrepeatable elements that could be of extreme interest to many others. Culture means sharing, common heritage. There are so many cultures, and there is also a specific gay culture. We are not talking academically about the existence or absence of a gay culture, anyone who looks at the phenomenon from the inside perceives its irreducible specificity. It is culture as a fruit and the elaboration of experience, it is culture as a shared moment. That’s why an old man does not like the idea that his whole world is going to end up in a trash bin, that his PC is not intended to convey interesting content to others, but to be simply formatted to be reused for other purposes. A man really ends when even his own world disappears definitively, and that’s exactly what an old gay would avoid, if possible: he would be deluded not having lived in vain, not have spent a lifetime accumulating books, articles, mails etc. etc. just to let someone else throw all this into junk, of course, unfortunately, garbage remains the most likely hypothesis. The same goes for blogs, sites, forums, and any other means of expression that lasts as long as they are fed, and then are destined to disappear quickly with all its contents to make room for other content.

An old gay knows that his world, to have some hope of surviving it, must not end up in the wrong hands, I do not say hostile but just indifferent. But it remains the underlying conviction of the total transience and the uselessness of any attempt to preserve something of himself for others and this is consoling, because the dispersion of what we have been and of what we have accumulated over a lifetime does not depend on us and is in some way inevitable.

__________

If you like, you can participate in the discussion of this post, open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/showthread.php?tid=117