A TRUE GAY LOVE

Hello Project,

I’m Maurice, I’m 24, I’m going to finish my studies and I hope to find work soon, I’d say within a couple of years. I am writing this email because I am in a situation that I do not know how to handle or perhaps know.

I know I’ve always been gay, I never had any doubts about it and not even special psychological problems, I considered being gay something absolutely natural. I knew that with my family I could not speak out in any case and in the school and then in the university I had to be very careful not to talk too much about my things. I never had true friends, classmates, sport mates, certainly yes, but never friends with whom to confide, I must say that I was so armored that this not caused me any problems.

I’ve always been shy even though I practiced sports since I was very young. I mean not that I am ashamed of being seen naked or anything like that but I think that sexuality is a very private thing that one should keep to himself. The idea of having sex with a guy always embarrassed me a little.

Until a few months ago I had never had sex with anyone and had never suffered from this fact, I was living my sexuality just masturbating and letting my imagination roam free. Maybe I was also unprepared for a couple exeprience because in practice, for fear of diseases, I had always considered the idea so far away from me that I had deleted it from my horizon.

I want to emphasize that I don’t restrain myself from having my sexual fantasies about some guy, however, between the dreams and the real sexual experience with a guy there is a great difference.

Ok, I also used the cam to have some virtual sex with guys, with one in particular. It lasted more than a month, then he disappeared into thin air. However this is only the introduction.

Six months ago I met a guy at university, his name is Maurice like me, which is rare, he is handsome and inspires me tenderly, seems uncomfortable and out of place in any situation, even his voice is hesitant but warm, deep. I get lost in his eyes. In short, I fell in love with Maurice, but in a classic way I didn’t know if he’s gay and I tried to find out. With the girls he was very easy, joking a lot with them, but I knew him too little to understand what he had in mind.

I started a prudent approach maneuver, he didn’t run away, never wanted to be prayed to be close to me, to talk on the phone or on msn and eventually also to pass together on Sunday. At the end I tell him that I’m gay, obviously he had already understood it, he tells me that he is gay, I think that this is the premise to go ahead but he tells me to be madly in love with another guy that also I had knew. I tell him that I think that that guy is straight and he tells me that he’s perfectly aware of that but is literally addicted to that guy. He had already told him that he was gay and in love with him, but the guy responded brutally that he had better look somewhere else.

After that evening Maurice often called me on Sunday on the cell phone but always and only to talk about that guy and to tell me that he felt uncomfortable. Some evenings he was deeply depressed and said things that put me in anxiety and that made me feel bad too. We went on like this for quite some time, then he began to court me. I liked seeing how much he wanted me and he showed me really his involvement and his tenderness but I had to overcome my problems with sex that I had thought I would never overcome.

Slowly we began to embrace, to caress. For me it was something totally new, that’s why I told him I did not want to have sex with him because I was afraid of diseases, he told me that he had never had sex with anyone but I told him that I wanted to be sure and he said: “Let’s go for the test tomorrow if you want .” And we did really. Three days later I had no more excuses.

I must say that I never thought about having sex with a guy in a so sweet way. I felt his love very strong and also his sexual involvement and slowly I let myself go and I knew that having sex with a guy is really a beautiful thing: spontaneity without bias.

Then when we were going home he begins to cry and I do not understand why. I do not know what to do, I try to comfort him but it’s impossible, he cries violently, then he calms down a bit and tells me he was thinking about that guy, he was fine with me, but he wanted to be with that guy. I repeat that the guy is certainly straight and that he could not build any relationship with him as he imagined. He tells me that he’s aware of that, but that’s all wrong, that he had had sex with me but he was not in love with me.

He feels inconsistent, lost in his thoughts, unable to reason and just prey of a passion that’s eating him inside. He tells me that he certainly deluded me, that he made me believe that he loved me but he is not in love with me. I tell him that I do not feel upset and that I love him, that I will love him even if he will go away with another guy. He says that sex is important to him and that I made him to forget that he cannot love anyone but this feeling always comes back, and I was able to make him to forget it just for a few hours. I shake strongly his hands in mine and he calms.

In the days after that evening the university life continues as usual, as if nothing had happened between us. He is again lost in his fantasies for the straight guy and I can see it very well. Maurice does not think of me, but just of that guy, or at least it seems that way.

Then he calls me un a Saturday night and tells if I want to see him. Also this time we lived together a wonderful sexual experience, the real experience of love. In those things we understand each other. I never thought that such a thing would happen.

Then we talk very seriously and I begin to understand what thoughts Maurice always carries within himself, he tells me about his melancholy and that he tries to stay out of his house as much as possible. In those moments I could almost imagine the soul of Maurice and what he lived as a child. I had never spoken to anyone at that level of depth. When we said goodbye, he was quiet.

Since then we have been together for a long time. He kept saying he was fine with me, completely at ease but that was not in love with me but the more he repeated it to me the more I felt in love with him. His happiness, or at least his serenity was basically my only thought, he would never got what he wanted but I needed to be at least his lifesaver his second choice, and not just because he was in love with a straight guy. if he were in love with a gay guy and had sex with that guy I would have loved him anyway.

In recent times we meet less frequently but when it happens I perceive his very strong presence and his very strong sexuality. I can’t foresee the future but I and Maurice have something that will keep us somehow in love, even though perhaps each of us will go his way. Is this love? Frankly, until a few months ago I would have considered these things absurd and incredible but really happened and now I think that are true forms of love. I learned from Maurice what it means to love, now I’m no more able to worry about myself, I just think I would see him happy!

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-true-gay-love

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I WANT TO UNDERSTAND IF I’M GAY OR BISEX

I was asked repeatedly to clarify precisely how a guy can identify his sexual orientation.

I start with an observation. Most of the guys, both straight and gay, don’t have real problems in recognizing their sexual orientation because they are driven or only towards gay contents or only toward straight contents both at affective and sexual level, i. e. they experience both emotionally and sexually or exclusively heterosexual or exclusively gay feelings.

When a guy is deeply emotionally involved exclusively by the presence of girls, wants their presence, not only on at psychological level but also at physical level, feels aroused just thinking about a girl or standing next to a girl, masturbates thinking exclusively to girls, develops sexual fantasies about girls, looks for opportunities to be with them in privacy, or he wants to have satisfactory sex with them, and all these things do not change over time, that guy has no reason to doubt his sexual orientation and justifiably feels completely heterosexual.

When a guy lives similar experiences that do not change over time oriented towards guys he can feel without any doubt exclusively gay.

The problems of sexual orientation arise when those experiences are not uniformly oriented in a direction exclusively gay or exclusively straight or when the guy feels over time an instability in the identification of the object of his sexual interest.

I have spoken several times about the he typical path to come to gay identity by guys who consider themselves heterosexual and who have had heterosexual sex life. In reality, in this case there isn’t any real problem of uncertainty, but there are just difficulties of identification due to the fact that heterosexual behavior can be unconsciously assimilated by imitating the social environment. For a guy who has always identified as straight and also has had sex with the girls, be aware of the gay emerging identity is certainly not easy. Awareness can be late, even after 25, and acceptance can be problematic but the path is irreversible and the deep sexual identity, however, ends up to assert itself. In essence it is not indecision about sexual orientation, due to the fact that those guys, could also have sex with girls. They masturbated thinking of the guys and were gay from the beginning because their free sexuality manifested itself, however, in masturbation. Often, guys who will manifest a definitive gay sexual orientation, in the problematic phase of acceptance of their sexual orientation, use define themselves bisexual, but if their free sexuality that occurs in masturbatory fantasies is exclusively gay, we can talk about bisexuality only improperly.

Much more delicate is the situation of guys whose free sexuality (manifested in masturbation), is not uniquely geared to girls or to guys, or whose sexual orientation does not remain stable over time. In the first case we can speak of intermediate bisexuality, in the second of swinging bisexuality. In these cases, a guy can live in situations of deep distress because an intermediate bisexual does not feel completely at ease neither in a gay nor in a straight environment, and a swinging bisexual (periodical bisexuality) when he perceives the change of his sexual orientation sees the collapse all over the affective world he had built previously. I should note that in general a guy who is aware of his bisexuality has more problems than a gay guy. For a gay guy the acceptance may be difficult but it is not a problem that lasts for a lifetime, the condition of displacement is transient, for a bisexual on the contrary is permanent and constantly lurking. A gay can build stable emotional relationships with another guy, for a bisexual such things thing are more problematic, and the relationship in the long run is still not 100% satisfactory. The guys who are consciously bisexual, which are not many, but really exist, struggle much more to find other guys with the same sexual orientation to create friendships with them. A bisexual in the reality of everyday life is not easily accepted neither among gay guys nor among the straight ones, but in any case the awareness of bisexuality really helps these guys to get rid of anxiety conditions that might otherwise be heavy conditioning.

Based on experience gained in the chat I see that many young people, in particular young people up to 21/22 y. o., are often faced with a problem: “I’m straight, gay, or bisexual?” And guys try to answer this question with conviction and permanently. The presence of masturbatory fantasies typically gay is not usually sufficient, from their point of view, to give the certainty of sexual orientation, then they try other ways, the most common, and so to say the alleged proof of the pudding is to create concrete opportunities of sexual contact with another guy in order to evaluate their own reactions in front of such situations. Typically such experiments lead to sexual disappointing that weakens even more the gay identity and creates even greater uncertainty. These sex experiments have anyway a basic flaw, because don’t come from a real affective need toward another guy but only by the desire to put yourself to the test. These sexual experiments, in the case in which are inserted into true emotional relationships (prior friendships or new affective interests characterized by substantial reciprocity and sincerity) are blocked before reaching the realization of any sexual contact because the guy who thought of implement them feels that they may be destructive with respect to the true emotional relationship on which are grafted. Often, sexual experimentation, identified as the litmus test of being gay, leads guys who live the sexuality in a strictly emotional dimension to true reactions of sexual indifference. Let me explain with a speech typical in these situations: “I had longed to see him but then when it happened I felt completely indifferent, just as if I was straight.” Well, sexuality is not a matter of mechanics. What at masturbation fantasy level seems almost obvious and easy, in the true affective couple sexuality is actually very difficult to achieve. In a previous article about sexual embarrassment I sought to show that sexual contact between two guys in love has nothing mechanical and obvious. Hesitations, uncertainties, the postponement of explicit sexuality are not signs of uncertainty of sexual orientation, show on the contrary emotional involvement which covers the whole of the person. The most typical characteristic of being gay is not technically sexual, but emotional and can be found in the deep emotional involvement that is created with respect to another guy. When a guy is deeply in love with another guy, anxiety is something usual like forms of strongly emotional waiting, the masturbation is constantly oriented toward that gay and mostly is followed by feelings of guilt. Guys deeply in love sometimes fear they can ruin everything with reckless behavior.

What I want to point out is that it makes no sense to explore deeply sexuality in order to obtain confirmations of your sexual orientation, because the very idea to test is the negation of affective sexuality. Sexual orientation emerges already quite clear from masturbatory fantasies but the guys must be aware that couple sexuality requires a considerable maturation of emotions/sexuality. Sexual orientation, whatever it is, is a manifestation of the innermost self of a person and is irreducible to patterns. Words like gay, straight or bisexual are generalizations and abstractions. What matters is the degree of acceptance of self, not the greater or lesser compliance with one or another abstract model of behavior. We must be very clear on the concept, well known to gay guys: the statistical frequency of a behavior does not define that behavior as normal in comparison to other behaviors statistically less frequent. Trying to be forcibly locked in a definition like heterosexual, gay or bisexual means to force sexuality.

Statistical models must be built on reality and not vice versa. Therefore no anxiety when we almost doubt that our sexuality cannot find a precise definition.

If you come down in detail you would see that there are between heterosexuals and gays so many different ways of conceiving and living sexuality, that you might even doubt that the abstract categories of heterosexual and gay actually have a precise meaning. Let us always remember that anxiety is the first enemy of sexuality and that what matters is real life.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-i-want-to-understand-if-i-am-gay-or-bisex

UNDECIDED GAY GUYS

According to the experience, both personal one and that of many gay guys I know, I’m inclined to think that for a gay guy meeting other gay guys of different ages and even gay mature age is a key thing. Why do I say this? The answer comes also from experience itself: the lives of gay men maintained over time, generation after generation, something constant arising from being gay itself and if the common contacts of everyday life can lead gay guys the “ordinary” adult life, the contacts with gay adults or older gay guys may facilitate the transmission of a wealth of experience typically gay. A gay guy can only learn from other gays what are the specific problems of being gay.

That said, what is the Forum of Gay Project? I can answer that it’s useful to promote dialogue and discussion, but what does that mean “in practice”? The answer is simple, It’s useful to pool the heritage of experience and knowledge developed by other gay guys in the past. The transmission of this heritage is the real purpose of Gay Project that aims to be a collection of first-hand material on the true life experiences of gay guys. Browsing through the various threads, but particularly those in the section “Gay orientation” you may have noticed that I have tried to outline in a summary the most typical problems that a gay man can face, those related to accepting their being gay, those about coming out, those about relationships with parents, to that more specifically sexual. Knowing these arguments can be a remarkable help when there is the real need to address them because we can rely on each other and we can avoid losing years to develop responses which are in fact always the same, generation after generation.

One of the most typical problems that a gay guy is certainly to live is that of his sexual orientation. For many it is not a problem if not social, for many it is a psychological problem significant in terms of recognition of their own orientation or acceptance of it, or both, for some uncertainties remain for many years and even for life. It is this last case that I intend to discuss here.

The experience made me notice that the discomfort associated sexual orientation is inversely proportional to freedom in which the individual lives. In a “free world” the problems of sexual orientation are absent because sexual orientation is not seen as a problem. In societies where homosexuality is forced to an underground life and is subject to radical censorship homosexual orientation has a strong negative connotation that ends up being internalized even by gay guys. In these environments, the indecision about sexual orientation is common for the simple fact that being gay is experienced as something evil by the gays themselves.

Here are some examples (while recognizing that the real situations may be very different). The problems related to sexual orientation emerge in particular:

1) in closed environments in which the community is small and the private is public domain and often becomes the subject of gossip (small countries closed-minded)

2) in communities linked to the religious culture that condemns homosexuality (for example: the tragedy of a priest or seminarian who recognize themselves as gay)

3) under conditions of economic dependence on the family home beyond the physiological limit of 25/26 years

4) when there is an educational dimension intolerant of homosexuality or homophobic attitudes are shown off in the family.

In such situations, the contact with serious gay people and the exchange of experiences is useful to raise awareness and to reduce the fear of homosexuality. It is not uncommon that I happen to talk to guys who experienced uncertainty about their sexual orientation. In these cases, in general, I perceive anxiety basically linked to the idea of ​​clarity. I often say: “If you are straight, no problem, if you’re gay is no problem, if you do not know what you are you don’t have any obligation to past a label on yourself, you do not have to answer to anyone and in any case there is no problem “. Most of the problems of orientation are false problems that will be resolved over time if the anxiety related to the fact of not being straight decreases. It seems incredible how false problems may affect the lives of guys, but the emphasis is constantly placed on sexuality. Family expectations and environmental homophobia contribute to dramatize a situation which in itself has nothing dramatic.

In general, the anxiety associated with doubts about sexual orientation leads guys to non-spontaneous behavior. A guy who does not feel fully nor gay nor straight tries to define his sexual orientation through sexual behaviors that are straight or gay in order to get proofs of his sexual orientation. It so happens that several guys embark on real challenging sexual gay or straight experiences, without any basic conviction, with the unique (wrong) idea  that if a guy has sex with a girl he’s straight and if has sex with another guy he’s gay. The relationships  that are created on this basis often have a specific feature: i. e. they are essentially sexual and emotional values ​​properly fade into the background. When an undecided guy enters a relationship only to accredit the idea of ​​being straight or gay, in general, usually driven by anxiety of clarity, he’s not even aware that on the other side there is a real girl or a real guy who, unaware of the true motivations of the guy who in their eyes behaves like a lover, can invest in that relationship the whole of their affection.

I had the chance to talk to girls who have contacted me because they had come to realize that their boyfriends were gay even though they clearly stated the opposite. It is not at all certain that a girl refuse a priori a relationship with a gay guy and more than once I have known women deeply in love with gay men, in the full knowledge that they were gay, these relationships can stand very well and can be extremely solid if, even in the absence sex, between the two persons there is a deep emotional relationship. There are women in love with gay men that help them to be what they really are, that is gay. A woman feels perfectly when the man, with whom she also has sex, doesn’t really love her. In such situations a woman often feels used and cannot be able to understand the suffering of his companion. In these cases, in the absence of a genuine dialogue, relationships are going on wearily for years with mutual recriminations but generally the man will not admit being  gay not even at the level of hypothesis.

When an undecided guy enters a relationship with another man, he does with the mental reservation of being able to leave at will, that relationship is clearly for him just an experiment. Sometimes and not only in situations of couple crisis, that will inevitably occur, emerges the idea of ​​wanting to “try it with a woman”. Such a speech, that the undecided guy is unconsciously using as a weapon of psychological blackmail motivated by a greater demand for affection, warns his partner, creates insecurity and further destabilizes the couple. If the hypothesis of “try with a woman” comes only after years of cohabitation and without apparent justification, and especially if that hypotesis really occurs, it is to believe that we are facing a true swinging bisexuality (a form of bisexuality that alternates gay and hetero periods). In some cases, however rare, can also occur situations of intermediate bisexuality (not swinging). When this happens, generally, the undecided guy speaks openly to his partner searching for his understanding that he often really finds at least at theoretical level or as simple human understanding. Even in this case, however, the other guy experiences great difficulty.

The situations of indecision are never clarified through experiments to confirm an uncertain sexual orientation but only through dialogue and with the comparison in a climate of freedom and respect.

I should add that when an undecided guy sees the collapse of a relationship lasting years, at a personal level he experiences situations of extreme insecurity. Expect a final decision by an undecided guy, even after years of living together, is unrealistic and, on the other hand, save the coexistence despite its inherent instability not necessarily is the best solution.

I would warn many guys on one point: when a guy shows himself available to a sexual contact with you, but has some mental reservations, tells you not to feel gay or not to fell totally gay or not love you but just want to have sex with you, do not consider his sexual availability as a clear sign of his being gay, often, in fact, the opposite is true. Often undecided guys take the sexual initiative and involve their partners in order to make them enter the relationship, but these same undecided guys, when instead of having sex, you try to talk to them, show clearly their strong indecision. Before having sexual contacts with a guy you have to talk to him a lot, try to figure out whom you have in front of you and if you have the feeling that this guy is undecided, and you really love him, forget the sex and try seriously to build a friendship. Keep in mind that sexual involvements are often deeply wanted by an undecided guy but are  lived in a negative form, as if his partner took advantage of him.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-undecided-gay-guys

GAY BETWEEN REAL MORAL AND REPARATIVE THERAPY

I just finished reading the journalistic very documented report on the “reparative therapy of homosexuality” the therapy that Catholic groups recommend to solve the “problem” of homosexuality (link) all under the supervision of a professor of psychology at the Gregorian Pontifical University. Already on another occasion I had to mention the “gay science” (gay here means light) of so-called scientists, but here things are more serious because behind these things there is the endorsement of the Catholic Church and this is not then the usual isolated guru. In these things are involved churchmen. I am personally convinced that the Christian message is a very serious thing, or rather something that, if taken seriously, is a very serious thing, and I have known men of the Church who have really spent their lives for the others. I wonder how it is possible that what is described in the published report could obtain the approval of the Church. How could be tolerable that a boy 15/16 y. o. should be subject, according to the will of the parents, to raving “reparative therapy od the homosexuality”. These things are not only immoral but verge on the Criminal Code. On the Italian blog of Gay Project (and kept all data) someone thought to place false comments linking to sites that reported for reparative therapy of homosexuality.

Given the above, without taking into account the specific contents of the article, which show the squalor of certain circles, I’d like to develop here a few reflections on the idea of ​​morality. For some people, who are inspired by the principles of a religious nature, morality corresponds to conform to a set of rules to which one attempts to give an absolute value, even revealed, and in this sense the pronunciation of any dogma about the content of the moral condemns as relativism any idea of ​​evolution of the morality. For others, morality is not a para-legal matter, is not a dignified form of the Penal Code which defines authoritatively what is good and evil, but it is a principle according to which everything that is moral decreases the level of suffering of our neighbors and everything what is immoral increases it. Such principle is clearly of relativistic nature and does not require that there are objectively good things and objectively bad things, from this point of view good and evil are not judged a priori but only a posteriori on the basis of what they cause (cannot a good tree bear bad fruits, nor a bad tree bear good fruits). Now, each of us has a conscience and, as I have often said, there are people who need to get from outside their license of morality, starting from a more or less realistic adherence to accepted codes of conduct based on a principle of authority, in essence abdicating their freedom of conscience in the name of obedience, and there are people who consider unthinkable to accept external rules conflicting with their conscience. These people may work hard to find the principles of morality and to get reed of the external moral which is always the seemingly easier to accept.

A blog like this, viewed in the perspective of the people who evaluate prejudicially the homosexuality as “intrinsically disordered”, is obviously considered morally reprehensible, not only because it also talks about sex, but because it attempts to emphasize the idea of ​​”homosexuality as a value”, that is, tends to emphasize that homosexuality itself, like all forms of love, can be experienced with a deep morality, with a total respect for others and to always promote the good of others.

The statement “gay = immorality” is not only deeply false but often doesn’t even come from ignorance, which may partly justify it, but from a radical form of hypocrisy. Who reads this blog, if has a minimum of conscience and honesty of mind, can never see gay people as bearers of a moral tendency “intrinsically disordered”. I am gay, I talk to gay guys ten hours a day and I wonder: how can people who know these guys still have prejudices about the morality of gays? Among the gay guys I know, who are certainly not a few, I saw incredible acts of generosity, to the sacrifice of themselves and their own aspirations according to the good of others. I want to claim for pure spirit of truth, integrity, dignity and moral worth of a site like this, that gives me and the guys a chance for discussion and meeting, which alleviates the sense of loneliness and emotional deprivation which unfortunately still characterizes the lives of many gay men, which promotes peace of individuals and helps them to be comfortable with themselves and with others. I do not mean to be conceited: I see it every day, I can see the affection that I receive. I do not have the truth in my pocket and through this blog and chatting with the guys I changed my mind several times about substantial things. I’m not a psychologist, I have no claim to change the trends of anyone, things like that seem pathological to me. I have no ulterior motives of any kind and even less of economic nature, I have not established professional associations, I do not claim to be a scientist, all these things are thousands of miles away from me. I am Gay, I write it with a capital letter and I am glad of it. If there is something good to do for the gay guys, I feel obliged to do it, whatever the cost. Being gay is the source of my morality and when I talk with the guys and find them exactly like me, with the same dreams, the same anxieties, the same will to live their being gay so high, decent, moral , then I remain in my already deep-rooted belief that being gay is a value.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gays-between-real-moral-and-reparative-therapy

REPARATIVE THERAPY TO CURE HOMOSEXUALITY

Below you can read, in English, an important journalistic investigation on reparative therapy of homosexuality. The article, by Davide Varì, was published (in Italian) in the newspaper “Liberation” of December 23, 2007.
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This is the story of a reporter who attended a course organized by an ultra-Catholic group for months.

I told him, “I’m gay”. They replied: “Yours is a mild illness, we can cure it well …”

Are you gay? Come to us, we will take care of you.
Diary of six months in therapy …

“The road to my presumed salvation begins with a meeting to define when and how I had to join the therapy group to cure my homosexuality”
The story of a reporter who was infiltrated for months into a course organized by a ultra-Catholic group
Davide Varì

The appointment is with Don James at the headquarters of the Edizioni Paoline [Well-known publishing house of inspiration that is strongly Catholic] not far from Garbatella, a former lower-class quarter of Rome. A meeting to define when and how to join the therapy group to cure my homosexuality. An appointment was hard to get. Self-styled healers of gays, at least in Italy, do not want too much publicity. To trace the Italian one, I had to call a counterpart Swiss group that turned me to the Milan office of “Objective Chaire”, an ultra-Catholic association that organizes, yes, therapeutic meetings, but only in Milan. In the end they suggest Don James in Rome, a young prelate who, they say, can help me. And now, after that long pilgrimage, I’m there: I’m finally in front of the studio of Don James; the first step of my “healing” journey. A journey that lasted about six months in which I found myself immersed in a parallel world made of reticence, half-truths, ambiguities and strange alliances between the Vatican and some groups of psychologists led by Professor Tonino Cantelmi, president and founder of the Catholic Italian Psychologists Psychiatrists Association and professor of psychology at the Gregorian University [A well-known pontifical university in Rome].
But first there is Don James, the first level of evaluation of the “seriousness of the patient,” it is for him, a representative of the Catholic Church. Don James was kind. After several telephone conversations in which, with great discretion and tact, he asks me the reasons that lead me to this therapy, it’s time of the meeting. After a short introduction, begins the interview itself.
There are two or three fundamental questions: how many times have I had gay sex, how often, and how I felt. I tell him almost all the truth, all except for the fact that I’m a journalist and not a homosexual. I tell him that I’m married; I have a daughter and throw it there a couple of homosexual experiences related to my adolescence and the concern that those experiences can return to the surface and ruin my marriage. Don James listens with participation. He then begins the work of investigation to understand the reasons for my homosexuality. He asks about my parents, the relationship with my mother – in respect of which pulls out quite a good conflict. It is always good, I think, the priests and the psychologists like it – I tell him about of the marginal role of my father, about sex with my wife, interpersonal relations, and so on; a superficial but full scanning of my experiences.
Then the question: “When was the first time, David,” Don James asks. I tell him about a guy in my high school, named Luke, who was a good friend and how that friendship over time and in a completely unexpected way, was transformed into a sexual relationship. Don James listens with attention and participation. He sees I’m stressed and changes the subject: “Do you believe in God?” He asks. I say that I come from a very religious family but no, I never practiced. But lately, I add, I feel reborn in me something different. It is the most delicate moment, the moment where you have to choose whether to go through with it passing over the sincere religious beliefs of Don James, or end it there and leave.
It’s like if I made fun of his faith, and perhaps no one gives me the right to get up to that point. Then I am convinced that in the daily reality, these “healers of homosexuals” only do damage: take a person, in most cases driven by family, tell him that his homosexuality is a deviation from the norm and invite him to take with them a healing journey, or better a “repair” journey. And then I decide to go ahead and pick up the appeal of Don James: “Let us pray together?”.
With an effort, even if I’m an atheist, I pray with him. After the moment of silence Don James, with the same delicacy, invites me to continue my story. “Your relationship with Luke – he says – was passive or only active?”
Don James wants to know if I have “suffered” the penetration. It must be just that the fundamental distinction to find out if, in fact, you were a true homosexual. “Active and passive”, I say suddenly. “And I also liked,” I say almost in the sense of challenge, faced with that question so vulgar. Vulgar not to the thing itself, but rather because for the first time I begin to glimpse, or so it seems to me, the real thoughts of the priest so young and friendly, a hole that exposes the judgment on me, or better on “people like me”.
Don James nods austere and then asks me to talk about other relationships. Then I pull out a brief relationship with another guy who I had sex with after I married. Don James asks me to tell about the feelings I had felt. I invented a “sense of moral filth” I still live and I carry within me. The young priest is silent. He blesses me and calms me. “Your homosexuality – he says – is very superficial. I think you are ready to begin the healing path. ”
At that point, I ask a few questions and inquire on what he called “path”. Don James, roughly speaking, tells me that almost all homosexuals have suffered a trauma or something that stopped the “natural” construction of true sexual identity. “For this – he says – are reparative therapy; to take back that experience, finding the fracture and redefine their gender identity. You are in a state of sexual confusion; you have to get help to redefine your sexuality in a correct way. “Perfect, I’m ready to start the “path”. Don James takes a piece of paper and writes phone and address of Professor Tonino Cantelmi, “call him in a week, tell him I sent you, he will know it all.” He blesses me and dismisses me.
***
The first meeting with Professor Cantelmi
The study by Professor Tonino Cantelmi – President of the Institute of Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy, says on the label – is a seaport in which transit and land concerns and anxieties of varied humanity: children, adolescents, mothers, grandmothers. There is everything in that study. I sit down and wait to be called. He, the professor, sometimes comes out and greets a patient. With everyone he’s very confidential, they call him Tonino. Finally comes my time. I collect ideas to avoid contradicting than the story I told Don James a few weeks before. I refresh the scheme and the invented the names of my false lovers, and I put in the study of the Professor. He looks me up, smiles at me and makes me sit. “I’m David, I say, Don James sent me.” He nods – “with that name he put me in the category of repented homosexuals”, I think to myself – and invites me to tell my story. At that point I start with the story of high school, my relationship with my classmate and the concerns for my marriage after another relationship I had with a guy a couple of years ago.
“What kind of relationship did you have?” Cantelmi asks.
I pretend not to understand.
“I mean – continues Professor – you had complete intercourse?”.
I nod, but expect the professor comes out of his den and asks me the question, the question with the capital Q, in a direct way and he did not disappoint me, “So David – tells me blunt – you’ve been passive in your sex life?”
Here we go again, I think to myself. “Yes,” I answer. I decided to play the part of laconic. On the one hand I’m afraid to contradict myself, on the other because I want to see the skills of the professor in action. I am curious to see how he moves, how he works but he surprises me and after that one answer, ready to get rid of me, take pen and paper and writes the name of a colleague: “She is Dr. Cacace – he says, handing me the note – this is my assistant, contact her in my name. She will already know everything. “I seem to see a movie already seen however I do not want to miss the opportunity to find myself in front of the “guru” of the Italian healers of gays and then I rise to speak before he leaves me. “Listen, doctor – I say with the utmost of kindness – I want to understand exactly what’s expected of me.” “Nothing in particular – he says – the doctor will make a test .”
“A test?”, I echo. “Yes, a test.”
“A test to measure the degree of my homosexuality?” I interrupt him.
“Well! Somehow, yes”, he says.
“Excuse me – I ask – but what exactly is homosexuality?”
At that point Cantelmi sits down, stretches out his arms on the table and begins: “I will speak of your homosexuality, not homosexuality in general. Let’s say that we are a group of psychologists who try to help people in need. Ours is a reparative therapy”
***
Reparative therapy: homosexuality like communism
There was talk for some time of these deviated sex thaumaturges. A fashion well spread in North America thanks to the work of many church-related groups that follow the teaching and practice of Joseph Nicolosi, president of NARTH, National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. A clinical psychologist, this Joseph Nicolosi, a “guru” that boasts 500 cases of “gay treated” and cared for – just like that,” gay treated “- and that pulled out of the hat of his own psychiatric witchcraft the so-called “reparative therapy” whose stated purpose is to “bring homosexual persons to heterosexual orientation.” A message that has been taken in Italy and raised by Professor Tonino Cantelmi, president and founder of the Italian Catholic Psychologists and Psychiatrists Association and professor of psychology at the Gregorian University. In short, the Italian guru of reparative therapy, a person associated with the Vatican with double knot around which was born a working group consisting of five or six young psychologists who take care of individual therapies of the future and “repaired” heterosexuals.
This reparative therapy is ancient history. Already in 2005, the Gay Pride magazine published a long article in which it questioned any scientific validity and reliability of this therapy. Franco Grillini, honorary president of Arcigay, also introduced a parliamentary question to block, through professional associations, reparative therapy. Even for this J.M. van den Aardweg, the American psychotherapist who wrote “Homosexuality & Hope” talks about gay lobby onslaught of science. Just to understand what is behind this alleged reparative therapy, the same van den Aardweg says – he did in a recent interview for “Acquaviva2000, Catholic culture on the net” – that many homosexuals” have serious mental disorders, or have developed a homosexual behavior of such proportions that it would not be so wrong to call them “sick”. “Not only that, van den Aardweg believes that because of the gay movement, “the masses will never completely assimilate unnatural concept that is imposed on them. It will go as with communism. Many, probably most, will pay to unnatural homosexual “religion” a formal cult, dictated by fear, but people will end up believing in it less and less. ”
These are the distinguished scientists who sponsor reparative therapy. Even more explicit the watchwords of the aforementioned ultra-Catholic group “Objective Chaire”: ” Spiritual, psychological and medical accompanying; attention to parents, teachers and educators in order to prevent the emergence of homosexual tendencies in children, adolescents and in young people; search for causes (spiritual, psychological, cultural, historical) that contribute to the spread of attitudes contrary to the natural law, knowable by reason properly formed.”
Then the inevitable Joseph Nicolosi, an American clinical-psychologist who invented the reparative therapy. In a few days he will be in Italy to update his followers and illustrate for them, probably, the latest of his treatment. These are basic ideas: first, in the light of the social sciences, the form of the ideal family to promote the healthy development of the child is the traditional model of heterosexual marriage, and second, sexual identity is formed at an early age on the basis of ” biological, psychological and social elements”, and thirdly, there are many examples of people who have managed to change their behavior, identity, sexual fantasies or stimuli.
In support of these theses “ex-gay” movements are born, people “repaired” and often converted to Catholicism who have the express purpose of proving that homosexuality can be “cured”. The beauty of it is that more and more groups of “ex-gay” are dissolved due to the fact that many members have re-found a partner of the same sex right in that organization.
***
Reparative therapy of Cantelmi
Cantelmi tries to fit on me, in my case, the reasons for treatment. He speaks of childhood trauma; confusing in a world already full of contradictions and fluidity in interpersonal relationships. All this to explain that in a sense the behavior of the homosexual person is induced by this external schizophrenia. Not only homosexuals though. Professor Cantelmi is convinced, and explains it to me, that our age is characterized by a large sexual compulsivity: an addiction that affects thousands of people, including many, many young people. He speaks of “sick relationships with sex,” of “loss of control” and so on.
“And in all this, homosexuality?” I ask.
“Well, my studio is full. We have a row. There are hundreds of guys asking for help. ”
“You see – I say, trying to drive him out – I do not know if I’m homosexual. I do not know if I am the victim of some sort of mental illness or if I have to accommodate these, my instincts. ”
“Do not worry David – tells me serene and smiling – from your profile I think I can speak of a generalized anxiety and a slight neurosis that somehow affects and diverts your sexual choices. Now we will test and we will have more items to choose the best treatment. ”
***
The Test and the disciples of the professor and the cure
Dr. Cristina Cacace Institute of cognitive interpersonal therapy directed by Cantelmi greets me smiling in his office. She looks at me, looks at me rather insistently. “Now she rumbles my game – I think – she discovers that I’m an infiltrator and drives me out.” (But no. Clearly, the diagnosis of Professor Cantelmi has influenced me. A little neurotic, I really feel persecuted. The fact is that she invites me with kindness in his study Ikea style, makes me sit and asks me: name, age, address, phone and marital status. I answer without hesitation and wait here, too, for “the” question. But Dr. Cacace already knows and does not need any introduction.
We jump directly to the most intimate details: how often and up to what point. “Up to what point … what does it mean?” I ask. She smiles. I wonder if she, a young psychologist, really does believe the madness and violence of this blessed “reparative therapy” or is she there in that little studio just because she could not find anything better. But my thoughts were interrupted by the question of the doctor:
“David, your homosexual relations were only active or also passive”? I feel strongly uncomfortable with the question asked, obsessive. I am reminded of the itchy and voyeuristic side of the person who asks it. At the end I answer as I have already answered Don James and Professor Cantelmi “Yes, active and passive.” I also tell her of my troubled relationship with my mother, the absence of my father and I would add that every so often, as a child, I was mistaken for a baby-girl. The young assistant of Cantelmi nods gravely and fixes an appointment for the personality test. “After the test – tells me before accompanying me to the door – we will know better how to deal with your situation.”
A few days later I’m back there and I find that the test takes about four hours and is nothing but the so-called “Minnesota Test” used by the armed forces all over the world to select their staff. About six hundred questions that should give answers on deviations of the candidate: hypochondriasis, depression, hysteria, psychopathic deviation, masculinity or femininity, paranoia, psychasthenia, schizophrenia, hypomania and social introversion. Simply put a potpourri that, among other things, would clarify my homosexual tendencies. However, the doctor gives me the test, a pen, and puts me in the hallway. I begin to scroll through the questions: “Have you ever experienced very strange thoughts?” Or, “Would you like to be a florist?” Answer yes to this question driven by the banality of the consideration. Perhaps those who choose to do the florist, they say, have a predisposition to become a little pansy.
Suddenly I am struck and distracted t by the silent presence of a lady and a young teenager. They are mother and son. He seems very shy, uncomfortable. I cannot say, but it could very well be a boy forced by his mother to stem, at least until it is time, “his own homosexual deviance.” Again I think of how narrow this practice is and how much violence it has in it. I think the pressure that may undergo a 15-16 year old boy who is discovering his own sexuality, the concern, often well-intentioned, of the parents and the choice to do something to stop this “discovery” rather than accept it and support it. Then the woman and the boy are caught in one of the many rooms of the study of students of Cantelmi and I go back to my infinite test: “Have you ever made unusual sexual practices?” “Did you like to play with dolls? “;” Someone controls your mind? “, “Do you often desire to be of the opposite sex? “;” The man should be the head of the family? “…
Having finished the test, I go back into the room to see the doctor.
She puts away my papers that already contain the result of my “degree of homosexuality” and pulls out a dozen colored cards with funny shapes. These are the spots of the Rorschach test. Undefined color spray, acting unconsciously activating projective reactions. In short, in the face of those spots I’m invited to track down and communicate meaningful figures. I launch striving to see penises, vaginas, anuses and so on. I identify even a couple of fetuses hung by the umbilical cord. I give the worst of me, trying to convince Dr. Cacace that my sexuality is particularly diverted, so corrupt and homosexual to merit her care. But she, in front of my genital rant does not bat an eyelid: pulls one after another the other cards of the test and takes notes diligently.
Meanwhile I do not hold back a fleeting glance at her neckline. She is surprised, holds back a little, covers and looks at me with embarrassment. So, after all that talk about my homosexuality, I fell into banality to reaffirm my “masculinity” in front of a woman. For the first time, somehow, I live on my skin the strength and violence of the social and cultural conditioning that gays live. Then, I continue with my figures …
***
The results of the tests: how much am I homosexual?
“Not much, your homosexuality is really blurred,” says Dr. Cacace showing twenty pages that contain my “diagnosis”. “Blurred homosexuality”, just like that. At that point I ask for more explanation. “So, I would say that we are facing a neurosis that has led to a sexual deviation – she continues – will be Professor Cantelmi to explain it better.
After a few days I’m back in the waiting room of the professor. The feeling is the same: a seaport open to all “human cases”. Cantelmi, courteous and welcoming as always, browses the results of my tests and I talk about “light neurosis and depression” which led my sexual deviation, the output from the tracks of a healthy sexuality and informed. “You’re not really a homosexual,” he says. “Your concern seems more determined by a number of incidents of childhood.” Then stats with the conflict with my mother and my father’s absence, which I totally invented, I would be deprived of a strong male figure, a reference figure on which I should have modeled my sexuality and defined my gender. So I am not entirely homosexual.
Perhaps therapy has already begun. Denying my homosexuality is the first step towards “healing.” It is probably a way to start disassembling the conviction of the “patient”. To hear, “you’re not really homosexual,” perhaps means to begin to dismantle the personality of the individual, his beliefs and put him in front of the fact – a fact certified by a psychologist – that his homosexuality never existed or better that homosexuality per se does not exist except in terms of a deviation from the norm, from the only real rule: heterosexuality.
“At this point – then continues the professor – it’s going to fish out those fractures and overcome them through appropriate treatment.”
“What kind of therapy?” I ask.
“An individual therapy. One of my assistants will follow through with you, but I – calms me – I’ll be constantly informed of your progress”.
“But I knew of mutual-help groups, I thought I would become a member there”.
“There are the groups – he tells me – but they are groups of people who have a strong sexual deviancy. I do not think that is the best treatment for your condition. I do not know, we’ll see. ”
I do not give up and try to find out what happens in those groups. “They are groups of people led by psychotherapists who share their experience toward a reparative course” adds hastily Cantelmi. Then he gets up, gives me the phone number of the next psychologist, of course, another assistant, and gave me a book: “Beyond Homosexuality” by Joseph Nicolosi.
Nicolosi, he, the guru of the healers, the creator of reparative therapy, that has as many as 500 cases of “gay treated” or, better, repaired. “Read it – he says – there is a similar situation to yours. People like you who have made it. ”
***
The book of Nicolosi
“Over homosexuality” by Joseph Nicolosi is a collection of life stories. Eight stories of homosexuals corrected, repaired, and a final appendix on the mode of therapy. Among them Albert, a thirty year old “speaking in a slightly effeminate tone and with the nostalgia – said Nicolosi – of a child lost.”In fact, the problem of Albert, Nicolosi says in his book, is his attachment to the lost world of childhood. Hence an illustration of the recurring features of gay people: attraction detached for their own body, first sexual experiences with other boys, iper-masturbation – “homosexuals – says Nicolosi – masturbate more often than heterosexuals, it’s an attempt to establish a ritual contact with the penis”- and an overwhelming mother figure. At that point the purpose of Dr. Nicolosi is to “develop a more solid masculinity” of Albert. How? First is to free him from the oppressive maternal bonding, nurturing non-sexual male friendships, and going on long bike rides. Finally came the first progress: Albert manages to control masturbation, is separated from his mother, is not chasing his friend and continues to riding his bike within the neighborhood” “Just the good things are happening to you!” the doctor confides to Albert. Three years after Albert has a confident voice, every female inflection is gone, he is “emotionally detached from other males and masculinity”, and he is freed from the maternal control: the original sin, the cause of his homosexuality; Albert was also engaged to a girl. So he is repaired and is repaired because “understood – says Nicolosi – the concept of the false self”: the false gay identity that the outside forces you to. “No, I’m not gay” is Albert’s last comment before starting his new life as a heterosexual.
Another interesting story told by Nicolosi is that of Tom: “A extraordinarily handsome man, about five feet tall, blue eyes, and well-dressed.” (Perhaps Nicolosi is showing a light homosexual orientation: the healer of gays who discovers he is gay, a classic already seen a thousand times). Tom is married, but separated due to a relationship with another guy, “Andy, a twenty-four irresistible.” Nicolosi is clear to Tom: “If you want to divorce your wife and start a new life with your gay lover I’ll never approve! “. The fact is that Tom feels empty without a wife and children and does not know how to present himself in society, how to pull off his homosexuality.
These are a couple of good reasons to start reparative therapy. The fact is that, at least for Nicolosi, Tom is a homosexual abnormal: “He doesn’t have achievement problems with other men, in business he is strong and determined and outgoing. But underneath – reveals Nicolosi – he has the emotional weakness typical of homosexuals”. In short, Tom has a terrible fear of losing his wife and children and to find himself alone just because “homosexual relationships don’t have a future”. At that point Nicolosi meets Tom’s wife who has every intention to work together to bring his husband back on track. A job that succeeds, but the signs of homosexuality have left their indelible mark: Tom is HIV positive and soon dies. The message, rather, the warning of Nicolosi is all too clear: attention, homosexuality can be cured but because of homosexuality you can also die.
***
Evidence of healing
When I get back in the studio of Professor Cantelmi I find that my recovery is in the hands of one of his young assistants. He, too, browses the results of my tests, and begins to talk about the path ahead. “We’ll retrace the conflict with your mother, the absence of your father, trying to heal the fractures that led to the confusion”
“Confusion?”
“Yes, of course, gender confusion. But before, David – continued the young doctor – tell me about your homosexual experiences”. For the fourth time I find myself talking about my story with a fellow of high school and the fears for my marriage. But the question comes: “David, your sexual experiences were complete?”. “Do you want to know if I got it in the back, doctor? Yes, twice, “I say annoyed. He smiles sheepishly. But in fact it is exactly what he wanted to know. Then recovers and attacks. “I would also like to know the feelings that you felt.” On the verge of the exhaustion for those questions so repetitive and low-level I start with a long story. I tell him the story, inventing, every detail. I talk of the excitement of the male homosexual relationship, the sense of transgression and call to my mind some passages very suggestive and “gory” described by one of the patients of the book of Nicolosi. He drinks it all and takes notes diligently. Finally, I offered him the “sick man” that is inside me and he seemed visibly pleased.
I start to feel a sense of nausea. Nausea for Don James, for Professor Cantelmi and his young assistants. It’s been six months since my first meeting and at this point I seem to be unable to bear it any longer. I realize that in this long period we have only talked about my butt. For the first time I realize that none of them has ever asked me if I happened to fall in love with any man. No one has ever wanted to know my emotions on homosexual relationships. Is it possible that they could more interested that just in the number of penetrations “sustained”? The young psychologist gives me an appointment. I greet him and disappear. I will never set foot in that study again. That was enough.

_______

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-reparative-therapy-to-cure-homosexuality

GAY AFFECTIVITY AND GAY LOVE

The word “gay” is gradually losing its negative value and has at least the merit of being a term not para-scientific-looking and of being now (and probably increasingly in the future) a neutral word. On the contrary the word homosexuality in its para-scientific and definitional appearance, focuses on gay sexuality and creates in the mind of the listener the idea that being gay is essentially a question of sexuality and because often people identify for “sexuality” not, as it should be, an essential aspect of the human beig intrinsically linked with the personality as a whole but simply a sexual behavior, the use of the word “homosexual” feeds the belief that a homosexual is characterized essentially by his sexual behavior.

From here comes a long series of studies, assumed “objective”, that tend to evaluate the gay phenomenon, even and mostly in terms of statistics, on the basis of sexual behavior “objectively assessable”. In fact, for a few issues such as for being gay must be applied an essentially subjective criterion that is that you haven’t to consider gay who has sexual behaviors that conform to a predetermined stereotype of gay sexuality but those who really feel gay, i.e. it is a problem of identity irreducible to objectively observable behaviors.

In this sense, there are people who have behaved and behave currently according to what some authors consider typically gay but do not feel gay at all and there are people who feel deeply gay who never behave nor have behaved according to an hypothetical gay behavior defined a priori or even, for various reasons, behave even according to what in the abstract could be considered strictly straight.

This premise tends to make it clear that being gay is not reducible to a typical sexual behavior but pertains to the sphere of pre-behavioral deep affectivity that is the sphere of affectivity in a broad sense, rather than to that of sexuality in a more specific sense.

Talking with guys you can see that their first concern is not of a sexual nature but of affective nature in a broad sense, in order to create a significant emotional relationship with a guy, even with a straight guy, to create a climate of trust and mutual respect in which they can be finally themselves, to find an emotional response without hesitation and be able to start a relationship based on the idea of finally being a couple.

A guy 16 y. o. posted among the questionnaires on gay sexuality very significant responses:

How did I try to realize my emotions/sexuality: “falling in love, giving all myself to the guy I love”.

My current emotional situation: “I love, I believe, a guy in my class, I lose my mind for him, and I always think I’ going to cry thinking about him, to his face, I want him with all my soul”.

My degree of emotional satisfaction: “The worst, just like a lonely dog and living dreams, hopes and illusions but there are lots of disappointments”.

My degree of sexual satisfaction: “I never had sex, I would only have with the guy I love …”.

The weight of sex in my emotional world: “I don’t know … I think that would be normal, I would need more hugs and kisses to deal with such things”.

What I want from my boyfriend: “Sweetness, passion, understanding, trust and above all sincerity”.

What I think I can give to my boyfriend: “I would give my life if necessary”.

My desires in relation to my love/sex life: “Be engaged to the guy of my dreams … Love demands everything and has the right to do so”.

My frustrations with regard to my love life/sex life: “So many, I’m afraid of losing him, of no more finding him along my journey, I’ll regret not trying, but I’m shy and in this world you never know how people might react … ”

What I would like to know about the love/sex life of the other gay guys: “All, their lives, their stories, their relationships with their families, friends, what does it mean to be loved by someone, whoever he is, because according to me love is all, is not selfishness between two people as stated A. De La Salle”.

The answers of this guy are crystal clear, not clouded by a spirit of compromise and represent, without contamination, the true deeper basic desires of a gay guy.

In relation to the questions “What I would like from my boyfriend / What I think I can give to my boyfriend” questionnaires show illuminating answers:
Time, especially sweetness.
The possibility of a stable coexistence, stability, happiness.
Being really loved: that is, being together forever and always wanting to be together, that he knows how to make me laugh, to hug me when I want to, to cuddle a little, he could bear me when needed and so on. (I am an ambitious guy). I could give him what? Well, I say all myself!
That we do a lot of cuddling, sincerity, love, cooperation.
I don’t know what to say other than what already he gives me. I appreciate his loyalty, his sense of respect, he’s never overwhelming. He also has many other qualities, he’s just a bit stubborn but that’s ok! I hope to give him a love life happy and peaceful with the enthusiasm to start each day as if it was the first we spend together.
That we can accept each other for who we are, that we can say everything with naturalness and sincerity, that we can do whatever we like to do never mind what people think. If you love someone you give him everything you can if he wants it. The most precious thing would be the sincerity, but it is necessary that your partner wants it and can accept it. Unfortunately I don’t feel so my current relationship.
Affection, I feel so banal, almost girlish, but living love would be great. Sometimes I’m a heavy weight but I love to be dragged.
I’ve never been in love, but always for my personal defenses, now that I have lowered that defenses I fell much more emotional and less cynical.
Depth, and I could teach him to look at life from different points of view.
To continue to grow in his wonderful and unique way and to be so intricately contradictory and difficult, in short he is the person who is always the one that excites me and I love him and I wish I never lacked his presence. I hope to give him everything he needs to be fully himself.
Sincerity and honesty of mind and of relationship, attention, cuddling and sex, trust, listening and understanding.
That he would never be tired of my continual changes of life path for the future. Love and trust.
LOVE, LOVE AND LOVE AGAIN … A life partner, a friend, a lover. A person to consult in difficult times, with whom I will never feel alone. I’d be like a strong shoulder for him to cry on and he would be the same for me. We would support each other.
First of all I would like to have a boyfriend. I’d give him all the love of the world.
Affection, attention and loyalty. I want an honest relationship, based on trust, understanding and also on a nice physical appearance. I would give him the same things that my boyfriend should give me.
I wish I could say anything, I want each of us could be an open book with the other, I wish he was sweet and understanding and, no matter if it seems trivial, but I really need someone who deeply understands my feelings. I would do the same for him, I would always be by his side to do every little thing that is in my power to make him feel good. I could give him sweetness as I have never done with anyone else. Simply this: my love.
Tenderness, availability, friendliness, openness, pampering but also determination. Lots of love, affection, but also fun, fun!
Happiness, joy and feel alive and loved.
Sincerity, happiness, be treated with care. I’d give myself to him to the fullest and I would love him certainly more than he would.
Sincerity and loyalty, the same things that I would like from his part.
Sincerity, do I ask for too much? … Well then I’m selfish! I’d give all myself to my boyfriend, if he is sincere.
A stable relationship, entertainment, discussion, dialogue, sweetness, and even sex at will.
Affection, kindness, understanding, all the love that I could give him, could be quite obvious and stupid, but for me it is the best …
Sincerity, the rest comes by itself. I will try to give what I would like to have.
Sweetness and protection, availability and sweetness, in any situation, I would give my life for the person I love.

I think these responses give a clear idea of the importance the affectivity has in the relationship between two gay guys beyond any theoretical discourse.

_______

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-affectivity-and-gay-love

NORMAL GAY LIFE AND DEPENDENCE ON PORN

Hello Project,

I walked into an impossible situation and I want to get out of there, I say that I want but I cannot, that’s why I’m writing to you, because maybe other things like that can be happened and perhaps you can give me an advice and help me to get rid of all this. I tell you that I’m just unable to get out by myself. I’m 24, almost 25, I feel gay, I say I feel because I don’t know if that’s the case, but the point is not this. Maybe it’s better I tell you things in order. I felt straight up to 22 y.o., again I say that I felt because I don’t know if I really was, but from 18 on I had two girlfriends, although for me it was not the best, I was aware that it was not the best, but I didn’t yet think that I was gay. With the two girls I had as well sex, perhaps more out of curiosity but I liked it, more exactly when it happened I was not uncomfortable but when it didn’t happen I was not missing it. I masturbated thinking about girls, there was nothing overwhelming but I felt normal and then the girls I thought had just fallen in love with me, I too, maybe, with them, but maybe not seriously.

Up to 22, with the University things were going well, I passed my exams and with good grades, then at about 22/23, started the disaster. I’ll explain. I knew a guy who came to us for the first year graduate and we started studying together, and so I realized that I loved being with him. He is straight and don’t have the slightest doubt. I red what you think about falling in love with a straight guy and I understand but I couldn’t get him out of my head, then he was very attentive to me and I think that “in his own way,” he loved me too. However, I was completely upset. I was aroused just thinking about this guy and then we met every day, morning and afternoon, to study. When we were together he was studying and I was thinking of him.

Studying together lasted six months then he passed his exams and went on, I was not even present the day of the exams and basically I lost the first year of post-graduate, but this would still be a relative thing. Since I was in love with him I began to masturbate thinking about him, and it was something that I liked a lot, all fancy but I felt satisfied, I realized that I was gay and it didn’t even create problems, if I had him close to me I was happy.

When he left me alone to study because I didn’t pass the exams I felt really uncomfortable. I didn’t go to University not to see him because I knew that between us there could not be anything.

My parents went to work and I sat alone at home to watch porn movies starting in the morning, when my parents leaved, until the evening, when they came back, I used to say to them that I went to the University but I didn’t go. When the night they went to sleep I newly was on my computer to watch porn until three o’clock. When I was more able to manage myself I felt like an idiot to throw away my life like that, but then I could not tear myself away from porn, I had filled the computer of such things. There was no risk because my parents don’t even know how to turn on a computer, but my whole life spun around porn and masturbation, which, among other things, now seemed to me a very stupid thing.

I began to regret the time when I was straight and had maybe half a normal life. I can no more stand to go on this way. My friend will take the degree in November and I didin’t anything, I’ve only passed two exams and the most stupid. I must absolutely change my life. Among other things, I started to drink a little, not yet too much, and I have to stop before it becomes a problem, even if it still is not. Project I want the life of a gay guy, because it’s what I’m, but a normal life. When I was a hetero girls were looking for me because they tell me I’m a nice guy, but as a gay man I feel nearly the total vacuum. Nobody knows that I’m gay, but being gay is unnerving, if you fall in love with a guy most likely he is straight and with him you cannot even talk and then you must have an iron will otherwise you end up on porn like me.

I want to be a normal gay, to have a boyfriend who loves me, but this turns out to be difficult and then I start to have the nightmare that I’m going on with my age and also that I could fall into depression. So far I don’t seem to be depressed but if I go on like this the risk is just there. I have almost an obsessive fear of not being able to get out and of throwing away all my life. You can imagine how I surfed gay sites on the internet and of course I ended up several times on gay project, always avoiding it because there are no pictures and stuff like that, then I came across a forum post, a 32 year-old dependent on pornography. For him, things are different, but the obsession with pornography, in fact, is similar. I’m a very private guy and for me telling someone certain things is embarrassing but I can’t do anything more to move forward. University is about to start and I don’t want to throw away the third year in a row. I need someone to give me a little desire to start over and tell me that for someone like me there may be a future of normality.

You say that for a gay there may be an opportunity to live as he wishes, are you sure? You say it in every way but I see in front of me like a wall of impossibility. I know that I must return to a normal life, it’s almost a week that I force myself not to see more porn and not to drink but then it seems to me a big shit and I’m afraid that everything could resume as before. Answer me in private if you want.

Matthew

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