DETOXIFICATION OF A 32-YEAR-OLD GAY GUY

Hello Project,
I’m 32 years old, and I think I’ve finished the so-called “most beautiful period of my life”, assuming there was ever something like that in my life. I look at the young boys, the twenty-year-olds, they are young, they are beautiful, they are full of wishes and hope, but I watch them from afar, they believe that sex can change their lives but I have already overcome this stage, I have had my experiences and in the end there is nothing left. I have been hunting guys on dating sites, I met a lot of them, I had sex with so many of them (prudently, that is, without putting myself at risk) and I came to the conclusion that it is good to think of something else.
With a couple of guys I even deluded myself, it lasted a few months, but then it all ended according to the general rule: better alone than badly accompanied! Every guy has his dreams, his ghosts, his pathologies, more or less evident, every guy follows his fantasy and the idea of building something together doesn’t exist at all.
Project, I don’t accuse others of doing so, because I’m the first who follows those rules, I’m the first one who isn’t so inclined to share his life. Going to bed with a guy, ok, some sex doesn’t hurt anyone, but then bye! I go back to my house, I don’t want to share anything with anyone. I should be happy to wake up in the morning near a stranger I know nothing about. Ok, we may have had sex together, but that doesn’t mean anything. What do I have to share with that guy? Our stories had nothing in common for thirty years, then we spent a few hours together and this should have changed our lives?
Project, I can also understand and accept that you don’t share my way of thinking, that you consider it stupid, but which would be the alternative? What should I believe in? The world of fairy tales no longer interests me, it is a bit like I had become indifferent to sex. I don’t know how long it will last but for the moment I want to be alone, I want to sleep a lot, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to chase unlikely dreams.
Project, I didn’t have bad experiences, I didn’t find guys who betrayed me or things like that, maybe I could change my mind, if I found (but I won’t look for it) a guy with whom there is another level of communication, then, maybe, I could change my mind, but I’ve been waiting for  the Charming Prince  for more than ten years now, and I’m tired of waiting.
There are so many better things to do! As you say, I could devote myself to the “others” in a generic sense, depersonalizing relationships, going out of the obsession that pushes me to know gay guys with the prospect of creating with them who knows what.
I also have longstanding straight friends, but I neglected them a lot, and what for? I neglected them to run after gay guys, wasting a lot of time without any result either for them or for me. With my family I broke off relationships years ago, since I became economically independent I left home … and what should I do? Should I go back to my parents’ house, even if they think I went to live alone to live with a girl? Because this is the level of communication that there is with my parents!
I left to try to be free to build my own life, I mean a couple life, but then what did I build? I became addicted to pornography for years, I had a bit of sex, which is nice only before, because afterwards it leaves you nothing! This was the meaning of my youth. Certainly there have been my studies, then my work, which is a concern but it is not really the obsession of my life, that is, it gives me something, at least economic independence.
By now the guys I have known I don’t even remember them distinctly, sometimes I confuse the story of one with that of another, they are “my ex-boys” but I consider them not as singles  but as a group, for me they don’t have a personality anymore  and I think they hardly remember me, but it’s not a big problem!
What is the use of living, Project? There is really no purpose. It’s a trivial thing. We are used to believing that we are special, that we have a profound meaning for others and for the world and instead we are nothing, just a little dust that will be swept away by the wind. Those who dedicate themselves to others probably don’t get anything, except in terms of self-esteem, but they certainly don’t lose anything, this is a great push towards love of neighbor!
I imagine what effect the reading of this mail can have in you. You’ll think that I’m depressed, inclined to renounce, disgusted by the world and by my fellow men, but it is not so, I want to look at other things, my life has been dominated for at least 15 years by the word gay, but this is not the only word in the vocabulary. I’m gay, but my being gay mustn’t become an obsession, I mustn’t find myself a partner at any cost and certainly he cannot be the first guy I meet in the street, I don’t seek any husband, I don’t deny anything and don’t reject anything a priori but I’m tired of chasing fantasies and thinking of having to settle for a bit of sex and with the risk of ruining my health.
I have never found a guy who loved me and on the other hand I have never been able to really love a guy, selfishness has always been the dominant value and this is not how married life should work.
You talked to me about “light couples”, that is without too many expectations and without too many obligations, but it’s not a thing for me, I need, or better, I absolutely need stability. Perhaps I have assimilated a model of a couple of almost matrimonial type or perhaps I’m not yet mature enough for a true couple life, that is for a couple life in which compromise and the search for quiet life dominate.
I wouldn’t accept my boyfriend making love with another guy, because I would like to be his boyfriend, not a friend of his. I’m not looking for a sexualized friendship, I’m tired of these things, I’d like a guy to share life with, but if I don’t find such a guy, I prefer to stay alone.
Don’t worry about me, Project, I’m fine, I’m not depressed, I started working on many of my projects, I joined a football club and I really like going there. Do you know why? Because they are all straight guys and when they talk about sex, they talk about girls and they don’t mind my own business. They welcomed me as a friend but we are “just” friends, it is so obvious that they are all straight that they are not at all a sexual interest for me, what we really have in common is the interest in football, everything else is part of their and my private.
I feel good in a hetero environment, of course, if there were girls too, it would be much more complicated but there are girls only in Sundays in the audience, in the gym there are no girls. It is as if I was detoxing myself from the excess of gay things, as if I were slowly releasing myself from an addiction. It’s nice to find a normalcy again.
__________
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KEEPING GOING ON AT A MINIMUM LEVEL WITH A GAY GUY

Hi Project,
I write to you because I have exhausted the list of possible recipients.
It’s more a way to let off steam than anything else, if you are there and if the forum still works, ok, otherwise it will be like having put a message in a bottle that has been lost in the ocean, but anyway I would have lost just a little time writing.

I’m 36, friends … just someone, real friends … I don’t even know. There is a guy who interests me, he is not my boyfriend, I’m not in love with him, I don’t know if I would do anything for him, maybe not, but somehow I like him. Incidentally, I never understood those of “all or nothing”, lost lovers and things like that, for me the fundamental person is always and only one: myself.

I never had a real boyfriend, that is I never lived a couple life, I did a little sex, and just a little, but then no crazy enthusiasm. I’d like to be with a guy but first of all in order to fight a battle together, to collaborate in everyday life, even to have sex, but if we reduce everything to that, well, then this guy or that one it’s all the same, more or less. I was talking about the guy who interests me, … what can I say?

He fascinates me but I realize that a real dialogue is not possible, he’s always angry with the world, anxious, resentful (not with me, or at least with me only very rarely). Sometimes he calls me and I like it but I don’t understand why he calls me. What do you want from me? Sex? Project, please note that he’s a handsome guy and on the contrary I’m not handsome at all.

For him, it wouldn’t take too much commitment to find a bit of sex and sometimes it happens, when he has no one there is me always or at least sometimes available, certainly it’s not a problem for me, by now he doesn’t even make me more proposals, he tells me that I always say no (it’s what I usually do), but if he’s the first one to tell me in the face that he doesn’t want to feel bound, why does he look for me?

But then of the fact that he has other guys honestly I don’t care at all, but I wish he had more respect for me, for example I can’t stand when he tells me that the next day he will come to see me and then he doesn’t come, or when we have to meet but then he skips our meeting because obviously he has more interesting proposals. But all this, ok, it’s his business, I’m not his boyfriend, but a bit of respect, I don’t say loyalty, but he really should have at least a minimal respect. He tells me to call him and then he puts the answering machine and he never answers.

One day he asks me to drive him to another city, almost 200 km away, he could go by train, but he suggests that we go together, I insist on going with my car, he finally accepts. We leave early in the morning, obviously he doesn’t even tell me what it’s going to do. We talk a bit in the car, but he seems unnerved. We arrive at the destination, he gives me an appointment in the center for two in the afternoon, then he goes down to take the subway.

Obviously, at two o’clock he doesn’t arrive and not even at three o’clock, his phone is disconnected, he doesn’t answer until 9.00 pm, then he sends me a text message and tells me he had nerves and took the train to came back home. He must have left at least three hours earlier, but obviously he hasn’t warned me. I went back alone and I can say that the trip made me reflect!

I must regain my autonomy. At 36, I must understand that certain things make no sense. Note, Project, that I speak of a simple friendship, but even a simple friendship should be something minimally serious, otherwise one lives much better alone! Once at home I called him back and he told me he didn’t have time because he had a job to finish, and I also regretted calling him back.

Of course, solitude is a value! I know it very well, and then when he calls me we end up with clarifications and recriminations, he tells me that he can’t feel comfortable because of me, because I’m anxious and neurotic and I transmit my anxiety to him. I know that he has so many problems and also very serious ones, but if he tells me he was wrong to tell me about it, why does he call me first? But if he talks to me about something I have to tell him what I think about and not what he wants to hear and from there the piqued answers or better the total absence of answers.

We have two very different ways of looking at life, he tells me that I was born old and that I will be alone all my life, but then what will he do? He is now 31, and when you have had many guys it is like not having had one, but he thinks I will be the only one who will remain alone, he accuses me of reasoning like his parents, of avoiding risks even at the cost of living less intensely, he accuses me of always running away, of not deciding, of being ambiguous, of keeping one foot in two shoes. Why can’t I have a minimally serious dialogue with this guy without ending up in endless squabbles?

He is as he is, now I can only adapt, and then why does he get angry with me? Because probably when he talks about nonsense or sex all guys follow him, but when he enters the melancholic tone (which often happens to him) then no one listens to him or sometimes people give him reason just to make him feel happy.

I wonder, Project, what has all this to do with the fact of being gay? Certainly anyway there is some link, because I would clearly not be following a girl like I follow him, that is, putting apart also my dignity! But why do two gays end up having these problems? And then starting from things of life in general, which have nothing to do with sex or emotional life. But maybe all these things are somehow linked!

Project, I’m tired, very tired, I can’t take to repeat the same speeches over and over again, maybe I’m just old inside and I’m learning not to hope for anything and to let things go as they must go. I know it would be much more hygienic and healthy to end this relationship, if it is a relationship, but it is not easy even to end it. What problems! Ten years ago I used to think it was easier! And people are always talking about gay marriage! The real problem is being able to get along with a guy even at minimal levels.

Hi Project and if you are there, make you heard.

___________

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FROM GAY COUPLE TO ENLARGED FAMILY

Hello Project,
we don’t know each other but I know you a little because I’ve read the forum so many times and I still read it now and I think it’s my duty to tell you my story because you also have something to do with it.
I’m 32 years old, I don’t know if they are many but to me they seem truly many. I can say I’m lucky because life has been very generous with me. I have parents I love, who are getting old, but it’s inevitable, they never really made me feel alone.
I never had any problems with my homosexuality, or rather, I had no problems accepting it, for me it was an obvious and natural thing, I have been involved in a few stories, but of little meaning, just when I was very young, then I dedicated myself to work in almost exclusive and I put aside my emotional world for a while. I also met gay guys but, frankly, I didn’t feel attracted to them.
Then, when I was 26, I met a guy, whom I will call Fulvio here (because he is a bit red in hair [in Italian the adjective “fulvo” means “reddish”]). I met him at work but he wasn’t a colleague of mine, he was working for a company that lives producing semi-finished mechanical components for the company where I work. When we met, I have to say, I didn’t feel involved with him, for me he was just a guy I had met by chance and with whom I had absolutely nothing to share. For work reasons we had the opportunity to meet several times and so we started talking a little, but about everything and nothing in particular.
In hindsight I can say that he probably understood a lot more about me than what I understood about him. Still for work reasons we continued to see each other often and I noticed that when it happened, for me it was a pleasing thing and probably for him too, and so our mutual knowledge gradually deepened. He is a nice guy but not exactly a handsome guy, or at least he didn’t look like a handsome  guy to me, so I didn’t feel attracted to him in that sense. 
One day he was very angry, really furious, he was depressed, but very troubled, upset, aggressive, and he began to attack me, of course, only verbally. He unloaded his anger against me and I didn’t understand why. I must confess that for this reason I was uncomfortable, I did not understand the reason for his aggressiveness.
In the following days he didn’t change his attitude and then he disappeared, I never saw him again and I didn’t know what to think. I kept going to his company, always for work reasons, but in his place there was a middle-aged lady and I missed Fulvio. In the end I took courage and asked news about him. They told me that he had quit his job and that he never showed up again. I didn’t have his cell phone number, I asked the lady but she didn’t give it to me and I was very upset, but one day, while I was waiting for the lady in her office, I saw that there was an open agenda. Since I knew the guy’s name I looked for it and found it, I memorized the number and then, when the lady arrived, I acted as usual, as if nothing had happened.
When I got home I called him. He immediately asked me who had given me his number and I told him that I had stolen it, he started to set off his aggressiveness and attacked me badly and, shortly after, he closed the phone in an abrupt manner. I felt a total fool for having looked for him and I have been in a bad mood for most of the evening. Then, at around 11.00 pm he calls me back, apologizes, always a bit brusquely, asks me if I live alone or if there are others at home, I tell him that there is no one, he asks me where I live exactly, I tell him where and he replies that he will come to my house after a few minutes, I just say: ok!
He arrives, looks around, then asks me: “Why did you look for me?” I tell him that I hadn’t seen him for a few days and other such banalities. He stops me and says: “People don’t steal a phone number if there is no serious reason!” I feel a little put at the corner and I try to digress, he apparently changes the subject: “Do you have a girl?” I answer him: “No! And you?” He hesitates, then says, “No!” But he goes further: “So why did you look for me?” I reply in a deliberately neutral way: “Because I was fine talking to you.” Then he asks the question I never wanted to hear: “Are you gay?” I feel terrible embarrassment, but I say to him: “Yes” and I immediately add: “And you?” He waits a few seconds and then says: “Yes, but I don’t want a guy.” I answer him: “But I’m not in love with you, you’re not my type, you just seemed like an interesting guy … ” He interrupts me: “And what do you want from me?” I tell him that if he comes under my home at night there will be a reason, he looks at me with a defiant attitude: “You think you have understood everything, but you didn’t understand a shit! You only make me angry!”
Well, our relationship began like this, in practice somehow as a fight. Nothing tender, nothing affectionate, absolutely nothing sexual. He stayed at my house until after two, I suggested he could sleep at my home, obviously not in my room, but he didn’t want to hear about such proposals. His behavior destabilized me. In the following days I called him on the phone several times but he never answered. After a week he came back to my house late at night, I thought he wanted to talk a little, but he asked me if he could stay the night and he retired to the guest room and in the morning, very early, I heard he was closing the door of the house, I went to see, he had left and had left a note, with only written: “I’ll call you”.
Our relationship proceeded this way, apparently without a goal and without meaning. I didn’t understand anything about him, I didn’t know anything about him. I wondered why I had got into such a mess, I felt used and at the same time marginalized. Then a traumatic event intervened, but not at a psychological level, right at the physical level: I had a serious car accident and ended up in the hospital in a reserved prognosis for a few days. I don’t remember anything of those days, I only know that when I woke up, or better at my first re-emergence to consciousness, I had my parents and Fulvio around me. Then they told me he had been there every day as long as they allowed him to stay by my bed.
My recovery was slow, it took me almost three months to get back into acceptable conditions, that is to walk more or less normally and he stayed three months at my house to assist me, day and night, and the first times it must have been something really heavy. But he didn’t just assist me, he sat next to me and we talked a lot, he treated me with affection. Slowly I learned to understand his world, and it was a difficult world, so difficult that I didn’t believe that such a world could exist.
We slept in the same room, I on the orthopedic bed and he on a cot. I asked him why he had quit his job and he told me that he didn’t quit his job but they fired him because one of his bosses had tried something sexual with him and he had sent him to the hell. He told me that he stayed at my house also because he could no longer pay for the room because, without a job and without money it was absolutely impossible, and therefore he had also taken the opportunity to find a temporary accommodation. This speech struck me a lot.
He told me very briefly about his family, if we can call it this way. His father hadn’t recognized him and, in practice, he almost never saw him, his mother died of an overdose when he was a child and he was entrusted to his grandmother who lived with a very minimal pension, then, just a few days after he turned 22, his grandmother died too, he had just found a job and shared a rented room with another guy, but shortly they fired him and he had to leave the room.
Fulvio is extremely proud, he has a dignity, he has never talked to me about money and this means that, if he stays with me, very likely he is not there for money or to find an accommodation, even if he tells the exact opposite. Among other things, in the last period of my convalescence he found another job. Precisely for this reason we were forced to arrive at a clarification. He told me he could be autonomous again and that he would leave. I began to be afraid, I knew I could not ask him to stay with me on the grounds of economic utility because such a thing would have infuriated him. He didn’t want to depend on anyone, he said to me: “Now you don’t need me anymore.”
It was precisely to respond to that statement that I told him I had fallen in love with him. He looked at me right in the eyes and said, “Don’t lie! I know that it’s not true!” Then I had to correct my sentence: “Well, I think I could fall in love with you, but, please, don’t go away!” He stared at me for a few seconds: “At least you didn’t say lies.” And he stayed with me. I feared that he wanted to set a deadline, for example that he would say to me: “I only stay a month.” But I immediately noticed that he had set no limits, but obviously I pretended I hadn’t noticed it, and said nothing about this. Our life together began this way.
With the new job he had big problems, they wanted to fire him because he didn’t want to close his eyes in front of very deep forms of malpractice if not of real scam. Then he changed job and the new job was widely better, requited more time but was even better paid. For a certain period (two or three months at least) I thought that Fulvio had found a guy, because he spent a lot of time away from home, I was worried but I didn’t have the courage to ask him anything, I saw him very tired, stressed, almost physically destroyed by work.
At one point I thought that he really had serious problems because he was home only at night and for a few hours, I could no longer bear not knowing what was happening and I asked him what he had. He looked at me, he meditated for a moment and then he said to me: “It’s right for you to know it: I have a boyfriend, if you want, I pack my bags today and leave.” I stopped him and told him: “Ok, you have a boyfriend, but why are you so stressed?” And he replied: “Because Claudio has huge problems and we are trying to solve them, I work from morning to night, I do double shifts and I can hardly see him …” That’s what he told me about Claudio, then he added: “he’s a boy refused by his family and who is coming out of bad circles, who ran away from his city because he was really afraid of the criminals who forced him to … well, you understood … “
He told me that Claudio had a bed for rent and that he didn’t work because he was in very bad shape. I told him: “But make him come here! With a minimum of sacrifice this house can be enough for the three of us, then we’ll see what we can do.” He looked at me quite perplexed, then said: “Do you realize what you are saying?” I replied: “Maybe not perfectly, but let’s not waste time, let’s go get him.” Claudio was really upset: skin and bones, two hours later he was at home with Fulvio. 
I gave them my room that had a double bed and I moved into the small room, they didn’t want to, but I forced them. The same afternoon we took Claudio to a very good doctor who prescribed him a series of tests and explained to us how to do in order to make Claudio be taken on charge by our region’s health service, since he comes from another region. Obviously Claudio also did the HIV test and since he hadn’t had sex for quite some time, the window period had also passed. The test gave negative results and we calmed down, after a few days we had all the clinical results in hand. In practice, Claudio carried the consequences of an untreated bronchopneumonia and full recovery would take time. Everything else was in order. 
Claudio was then 23 years old, he was very tall but he already had a bent back and was very thin. We took care of him and saw him slowly bloom again. Fulvio was madly in love with him and seeing them together aroused great tenderness in me, with me they were absolutely natural and casual. Sometimes we used to watch television together, I in the armchair and they crouched together on the sofa. I, who in theory should have been jealous, I felt happy to see them like this.
Almost five years have passed. We still live together, we are now a family, they are a very tender and very real gay couple, I don’t know what I am, at the beginning I was a bit of a nanny, now I’m “only” a true friend who loves them. Now Claudio also works and we share all the expenses, they have placed it as a mandatory condition to continue being together. My way of being gay is certainly strange but nevertheless I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world: their happiness is my happiness!
I have to add one more thing that seems very important to me. One day I was at my parents’ house, I took courage in two hands and told them the whole story. I didn’t know how they would take it. My father looked me straight in the eyes, then he stood up, he said to me: “Come here!” And hugged me tightly, then he exchanged a look of understanding with my mother and told me: “Sunday the three of you must come to have lunch here with us!” There were no other comments of any kind. On Sunday, when Fulvio and Claudio came to my parent’s home, I tell you it almost with tears in my eyes, my parents were just as happy as two kids and Fulvio and Claudio had a great time. Now every now and then mom goes to my house, cleans the house and brings us something already cooked to eat. Fulvio and Claudio have a beautiful relationship with my parents, in practice we are an extended family.
That’s all, Project, of course you can put the email where you like better because there are no identifiable elements and the names have been changed. Fulvio and Claudio greet you, they too have heard of you!
___________
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GAY GUYS AND THE ANXIETY OF WAITING

Dear Project,
it was good for me to talk to you last night, but the underlying concerns remain and I hope that in the end they can vanish, because if it didn’t happen, it would really be a nightmare. 
One considers certain things always distant and almost impossible, then you realize that it can happen, and that the fact that it doesn’t happen to you personally in the end only consoles you a little. It can happen to the people you love and if it happened it would be destructive. 
You tried to get the guilt complexes out of my head, somehow you succeeded because those were not really problems, I know very well that, whatever happened, it is not immediately attributable to me, but this doesn’t make me feel better.
We will have to wait another few days and I pray to God that there will be no terrible news. Of him I spoke only with you, in complete anonymity, first of all out of respect for him and then because my friends would understand nothing, for them when a story is over, is over, if a guy is your boyfriend, then you have some duties, but if he is no longer such you are totally free, but for me it has never been so. He is no longer my boyfriend for years now but I love him anyway, and thinking that he may be sick knocks me out. 
For a long time we didn’t hear each other, and I was quiet, that is, I thought he was okay, then he called me with those doubts on his mind and put me in crisis. My guts are contorting, I’m afraid, afraid for him. It’s not a rational thing, waiting for the results it has a bad effect, and if it’s so for me, I imagine how it can be for him. We had talked so much about being careful, not getting into trouble, but now he has doubts and has physical problems. I can only stay close to him because being sick and alone must be really terrible. 
With whom could he talk about it? With parents? Mh … no, not really possible, to his partners? They would dodge him like a leper. Project, at the moment these are all hypotheses that could very well be completely wrong and I hope they are, but I feel anxious, worried and I don’t know how to make him feel better. We have a series of medical checks in the near future and I can only hope that there will be no bad news. 
He could also have problems that have nothing to do with sexually transmitted diseases, but I see him in crisis, he is not in his normal state, it’s true that anxiety can be destructive, and I hope that it’s only that. We loved each other, then he started to look for something else, and I can understand him, but between us there is still respect and a deep affection. 
Project, I feel the anxiety of waiting, the exact opposite of a rational attitude, even if we have planned everything in the way that seems most rational, I feel uneasy, I have the feeling that human life is carried by the wind like the leaves. For what little I can, I have to try to be close to him, if I let myself be taken by anguish I make him feel even worse. Project, I was amazed by your attitude in chat, you didn’t trivialize as people do, you didn’t say the classic: “you will see that it will be nothing” no! You said to me: “However things go you have an irreplaceable role” and this phrase has remained in my mind.
I embrace you strongly, Project, I’ll call you back on skype in the afternoon.
_________
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I am pleased to inform you that today, 30 June 2019, I have completed the revision of the “BEING GAY” volume THE LIFE OF GAYS THROUGH THE ANALYSIS OF REAL EXPERIENCES, of the Gay Project Library. The book can be downloaded in full at no cost and in a completely anonymous form by clicking on the link:

BEING GAY by Gay Project

For convenience I add the complete index of the work.
I will begin today working to put the .epub edition on the web as soon as possible.
I sincerely thank anyone who wants to report errors, propose improvements or provide advice.
If you like, you can contact me at:

[Image: gayproject_mail.jpg.1347313114407.jpg]
______________________

BEING GAY
GENERAL INDEX 

About this book 
1 UNDERSTANDING TO BE GAY 
1.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
1.1.1 The discovery of masturbation
1.1.2 Gay discomfort 
1.1.3 Gay falling in love and frustration
1.1.4 Sexual imprinting 
1.1.5 Religious education and homosexuality 
1.1.6 Pornography and educational pressure
1.1.7 Masturbation and sexual orientation
1.1.8 False sexual orientation indicators 
1.1.9 Awareness, mechanisms of removal and underestimation  
1.1.10 Acceptance difficulties 
1.2 DOCUMENTS 
1.2.1 How I understood I was gay
1.2.2 I realized I was gay at 26
1.2.3 Feeling gay and reborn
1.2.4 Gay only when I masturbate
1.2.5 A difficult path to acceptance of my being gay
1.2.6 Affection for a girl and love for a gay guy
1.2.7 How to understand that you are not gay
1.2.8 Fear of being gay
1.2.9 Being aware of being gay in love and rediscovering sexuality
1.2.10 Sublimated hetero love and gay masturbation
1.2.11 I discovered I was gay at the age of
65 1.2.12 Heterosexual experiences of a gay guy
1.2.13 From pretended straight to gay at age of 30
1.2.14 A gay guy in love
1.2.15 Gay games of straight guys
1.2.16 Anti-gay therapy
 
2 BISEXUALITY
2.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
2.1.1 Dichotomy between affectivity and sexuality
2.1.2 Hetero-curious men and sexuality of escape
2.1.3 Bisexuality and masturbation
2.1.4 False bisexuality in the obsessive compulsive disorder
2.1.5 Degree of gay propensity of bisexuals
2.1.6 Bisexuality as a transitory category
2.1.7 How many are bisexuals? 
2.1.8 Polarization of bisexuality
2.1.9 Bisexuality and problems arising from exclusivity
2.1.10 Devaluation of bisexuality by partners
2.1.11 Problems of the heterosexual modeling of bisexual sexuality 
2.1.12 Periodic bisexuality
2.2 DOCUMENTS
2.2.1 Maybe I’m gay but I love my former girlfriend
2.2.2 Periodic bisexuality?
2.2.3 Exchange of emails with a hetero-curious
2.2.4 Exchange of emails with a bisexual almost gay
2.2.5 A married bisexual
2.2.6 Bisexuality in an online interview
2.2.7 From hetero to bisexual to gay
2.2.8 A 36 years old guy between gay and bisexual
2.2.9 A gay between a straight and a bisexual
2.2.10 Bisexuality without trauma
2.2.11 Bisexuality, prejudices and ostracism
 
3 COMING OUT
3.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
3.1.1 Homophobia and conformism reaction
3.1.2 Familial homophobia and defense strategies
3.1.3 Coming out and outing
3.1.4 Declared and undeclared
3.1.5 Coming out with parents
3.1.6 Unintentional coming out
3.1.7 Privacy violations and forced coming out
3.1.8 Coverage relationships and defensive coming out
3.1.9 Coming out to a guy with whom one is in love
3.2 DOCUMENTS
3.2.1 Gay guys and girls as red cross nurses
3.2.2 Coming out and physical attraction
3.2.3 Gay guys and family traps
3.2.4 Coming out as a dangerous temptation
3.2.5 A coming out ended badly
3.2.6 History of a double coming out
3.2.7 From openly gay to hidden gay
3.2.8 Coming out at school – School diary 1976-77
3.2.9 Coming out in chat
3.2.10 Gay love and coming out
3.2.11 My father gay
3.2.12 Openly gays and their relatives
 
4 GAY BOYS AND PARENTS
4.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
4.1.1 Family conflicts related to homosexuality
4.1.2 Religious conditioning
4.1.3 Dialogue between parents and sons
4.1.4 Parents and role of support
4.1.5 Parents and sex education of gay boys
4.1.6 Medicalization of homosexuality
4.1.7 Privacy of gay sons and parental intrusions 
4.1.8 Affective education of gays and family homophobia
4.1.9 Parental victimhood
4.1.10 Parental attitudes about masturbation
4.1.11 Mother’s approach to gay son’s sexuality
4.1.12 Parents and sexual anxiety of the son
4.1.13 ”Helping” a gay son
4.1.14 Relationships of gay boys with the psychologist
4.1.15 Undue interferences in the lives of gay sons
4.1.16 False acceptance
4.1.17 Education for prevention
4.1.18 Gay boys and family violence
4.1.19 Relations between parents and gay sons
4.2 DOCUMENTS
4.2.1 That thin rubber wall
4.2.2 Father policeman and gay son
4.2.3 I have a gay son who does not even talk to me
4.2.4 Gay son and absent father
4.2.5 If I had a gay son
 4.2.6 Anguish of the father of a gay son
4.2.7 A gay guy harassed by his parents
4.2.8 Gay guys between rejection and dialogue
 
5 REASONING WITHOUT PANIC
5.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
5.1.1 Panic and rationality
5.1.2 Objective data
5.1.3 Gays and myth of the charming prince
5.1.4 Autonomy and economic independence
5.1.5 Equilibrium between affectivity and practical life
5.1.6 Discouragement and commitment
5.1.7 Gay loneliness and gay friendships
5.1.8 Gays and possible happiness
5.1.9 Correcting one’s mistakes
5.1.10 Reversible habits and choices
5.1.11 Usefulness of moral discomfort
5.2 DOCUMENTS
5.2.1 Ok, I’m gay but I do not know what to do
5.2.2 Reflections of a gay over 30 
 
6 GAYS AND FRUSTRATION
6.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
6.1.1 Frustration-inadequacy and frustration-rejection
6.1.2 Unachievable purposes
6.1.3 Frustrations in relationships between two gays 
6.1.4 Projective mechanisms and socialization
6.1.5 Virtual relationships between gays
6.1.6 Texts not sexually connoted
6.1.7 Online chats and projective mechanisms
6.1.8 The drift of the love language 
6.1.9 Friendships in chat
6.1.10 The value of experience
6.1.11 Affective frustrations and other frustrations
6.1.12 Coexisting with frustrations
6.1.13 Aggressive frustration and passive frustration 
6.1.14 Different types of gay frustrations 
6.1.15 Frustration before and after the arrival of the Internet
6.1.16 The risks of frustration
6.2 DOCUMENTS
6.2.1 Resist frustration
 6.2.2 Understanding the origin of frustration to go beyond
6.2.3 Frustration, fear and regret
6.2.4 The cry of pain of a young gay
6.2.5 Acting a gay love
6.2.6 Gays and school of prejudices 
6.2.7 Gay sex and hypocrisy 
6.2.8 Christmas Eve: a text not sexually connoted
 
7 I’M GAY AND I’M GOOD ABOUT MYSELF
7.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
7.1.1 Being comfortable with yourself
7.1.2 Self-esteem
7.1.3 Low self-esteem linked to one’s physicality
7.1.4 Low self-esteem linked to one’s sexual physicality
7.1.5 Low self-esteem for character reasons
7.1.6 The premises to recover self-esteem
7.1.7 Parity and dependence within the couple
7.1.8 Formalization of relationships
7.1.9 Heterosexuals and (obsessive) fear of being gay
7.1.10 Gays and discomfort of being gay
7.1.11 Pessimism, depressive attitudes and self-esteem
7.1.12 Low self-esteem and search for the ideal partner
7.1.13 Unilateral discourses and dependence
7.1.14 Frenetic phase and sexual embarrassment
7.1.15 A gay story of emotional addiction
7.1.16 Gay mental narcissism
7.2 DOCUMENTS
7.2.1 Message from an old and sick gay 
7.2.2 Gay experiences 
7.2.3 A gay guy looking for the best guy 
7.2.4 Gay dignity 
7.2.5 Gay sunset 
 
8 GAY AFFECTIVITY
8.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW 
8.1.1 Gay affectivity 
8.1.2 Family affectivity and coming out 
8.1.3 Friendship affectivity and coming out 
8.1.4 Affective research and gay sexual research 
8.1.5 Economic model of gay affectivity 
8.1.6 Weak and gratuitous affectivity, emotional affinity 
8.1.7 Free friendship and instrumental friendship 
8.1.8 Friendship between gays 
8.1.9 Affective equilibrium 
8.1.10 Sexuality as a substitute of affectivity
8.1.11 Failure of couple life
8.1.12 Affectivity crisis and non-affective sexuality
8.2 DOCUMENTS 
8.2.1 Gays and couple solidarity 
8.2.2 Gay relationships without an end
8.2.3 Love stories of a gay eighteen year old
8.2.4 Gays and heterosexual nostalgia
8.2.5 Non-sexual gay love and sublimation
8.2.6 Extended gay family
8.2.7 Gay love stronger than despair
8.2.8 Love in a gay family
8.2.9 A gay coach falls in love in the gym
8.2.10 Viscous gay relationships
 
9 GAY SEX EDUCATION 
9.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
9.1.1 Acquisition of basic concepts: male, female, couple and family
9.1.2 School books and heterosexual culture
9.1.3 Sex education through films and television
9.1.4 Sex education and sport
9.1.5 Sex education and religion
9.1.6 Parents and sex education
9.1.7 Sex education: taboo and scandal
9.1.8 Building one’s own concept of sexuality
9.1.9 Repressive sex education
9.1.10 Risks of obscurantism and prohibitionism
9.1.11 Pornography on the net
9.1.12 Sex education delegated to Church and pornography
9.1.13 Hetero-gay and gay-gay models of gay relationship
9.1.14 Hetero-gay relationship
9.1.15 Hetero-gay relationships and feminization of the gay
9.1.16 The seduction in the hetero-gay relationship
9.1.17 Evolution of hetero-gay relationships 
9.1.18 Heterosexuals and gay sex
9.1.19 Motivations for the practice of sexuality
9.1.20 Married heterosexuals and gay sex 
9.1.21 Birth of pornography 
9.1.22 Gay-gay relationships
9.1.23 Genetic-epigenetic basis of education
9.1.24 Wrong family educational attitudes
9.1.25 Family conflicts
9.1.26 Confidence and confidentiality
9.1.27 Inadequacy of parents
9.1.28 Environmental sex education and social roles
9.1.29 Basic homo-affectivity and basic hetero-affectivity
9.1.30 The prevention of sexual abuse
9.1.31 Risks coming from the Internet
9.1.32 Affective attitudes of parents and education through the example 
9.1.33 How to deal with the issue of homosexuality
9.1.34 Pedophile fantasies 
9.1.35 Dogmatic preconceptions about couple life
9.2 DOCUMENTS
9.2.1 Hell and heaven of a gay guy 
9.2.2 Are my sexual fantasies gay?
 
 10 GAYS AND RELIGION
10.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
10.1.1 Religious prescriptions
10.1.2 Religious prescriptions and morality
10.1.3 Chastity
10.1.4 Prohibition-transgression-guilt 
10.1.5 Religion and self-repression
10.1.6 The religion from ”doing” to ”not doing”
 10.1.7 Catholic Church and masturbation
10.1.8 Catholic Church and homosexuality
10.1.9 Gay guys and confession
10.1.10 Gay guys and Catholic Church: possible options 
10.1.11 Reparative therapies
10.1.12 World health organization and reparative therapies
10.2 DOCUMENTS
10.2.1 Misunderstandings among gay guys and Christian parents
 10.2.2 A gay in love
10.2.3 How a gay guy confronts religion
10.2.4 Or Christian or gay 
10.2.5 Church, freedom and secular morality
 10.2.6 A gay guy saved from reparative therapies
10.2.7 The true story of a gay priest
11 GAY SEXUALITY
11.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
11.1.1 Contents of the chapter
11.1.2 Gay love and gay sex
11.1.3 Non-possessive gay love
11.1.4 Obstacles to love relationships
11.1.5 Fake falling in love and sexual exploration
11.1.6 Gay sex with lightness
11.1.7 Gay sex and sexual play
11.1.8 Gay sexuality and hetero affectivity
11.1.9 Late masturbation and delayed adolescence
11.1.10 Sexual violence and sexual abuse
11.1.11 Sex addiction
11.1.12 Sexual discomfort and transgressive sexuality
11.1.13 Ego-dystonic homosexuality
11.1.14 Gays and dysfunctional sex 
11.1.15 Homosexuality and paraphilias 
11.1.16 Gay anal sex: false myths and pornography
11.2 DOCUMENTS 
11.2.1 Reconstruct a gay sexuality
11.2.2 Gay sex on cam
11.2.3 Tenderness and gay sexuality
11.2.4 A gay in the gym
11.2.5 Nakedness and gay sexuality
11.2.6 Gay themed OCD and nakedness at the gym
11.2.7 Gay sex and many doubts
11.2.8 Gay polygamy
11.2.9 One hundred percent Gay
11.2.10 Gay guys in the pool between tenderness and sexuality
11.2.11 Gay sexual behaviors
11.2.12 Gay love forever
11.2.13 Sexual abuse and gay sexuality
11.2.14 Homosexuality and sexual violence in a boarding school
11.2.15 Gay sex and sense of domination and intrusion
11.2.16 Gay guys and compulsory military service
 
12 GAYS AND ANXIETY
12.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
12.1.1 Reactive anxiety
12.1.2 Anxiety and homophobia
12.1.3 Anxiogenous situations for a gay
12.1.4 Taxonomic categories and interpretative categories
12.1.5 Internalized homophobia and gay discomfort
12.1.6 Interacting with an anxious subject
12.1.7 Gay Sexuality and anxiety
12.1.8 Anxiety arising from moments of uncertainty about sexual orientation 
12.1.9 Anxiety from presumed inadequacy 
12.1.10 Friendship and sexual confidence
12.1.11 Anxiety and problematisation of sexuality
12.1.12 How to overcome the anxieties connected to sexuality
12.2 DOCUMENTS
12.2.1 Gay sexuality and anxiety 
12.2.2 Gay anxiety and socialization
12.2.3 Homosexuality, anxiety and sexual experiments 
12.2.4 Gay obsessive jealousy
 
13 HOMOSEXUALITY AND FEELINGS OF GUILT
13.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
13.1.1 Concept of feeling of guilt
13.1.2 Function of the sense of guilt
13.1.3 Codes of behavior and individual well-being
13.1.4 Moral freedom and feelings of guilt
13.1.5 Dysfunctional attempts to overcome feelings of guilt
13.1.6 The conquest of moral freedom
13.1.7 Self-degradation
13.1.8 Dangers of behavior patterns
13.1.9 Feelings of guilt induced by theoretical models
13.1.10 Infidelity: the roots of betrayal
13.1.11 Frantic sexuality and emotional needs
13.1.12 Intenalization of the prejudice of others
13.1.13 Moralism and inability to understand the betrayal
13.1.14 Self-esteem and feelings of guilt
13.1.15 Masturbation according to the Catholic Church and feelings of guilt 
13.1.16 Sexual pleasure in a document of the World Health Organization 
13.2 DOCUMENTS 
13.2.1 Birth of a gay couple
 
14 AFFECTIVITY AND SEXUALITY MODELS
14.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
14.1.1 Models of affectivity and sexuality 
14.1.2 Sex-centric models and models with widespread sexuality
14.1.3 The possible gay couple
14.1.4 An attempt to put in practice an abstract model of a gay couple 
14.1.5 A search for a balance without models of couple life 
14.2 DOCUMENTS 
14.2.1 Gay sex for not thinking
14.2.2 Gay love without gay couple
14.2.3 Gays and sexual fidelity
 
15 GAYS AND GAY NORMALITY
15.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
15.2 DOCUMENTS 
15.2.1 A normal gay
 
16 GAYS AND DIVERGENT THINKING
16.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
16.2 DOCUMENTS 
16.2.1 Gays and family
16.2.2 Non-possessive gay couple
16.2.3 A non-standard gay couple
 
17 GAY LOVE AND SOCIAL CONDITIONING
17.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
17.2 DOCUMENTS
17.2.1 Gays and social status
17.2.2 Gay couples and money
 
18 GAYS AND COUPLE STABILITY
18.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
18.1.1 Statistics on gay wedding 
18.1.2 What results from Gay Project
18.2 DOCUMENTS
18.2.1 A gay guy who wants to come back single
18.2.2 Gay holidays
18.2.3 Beware of good gay guys!
18.2.4 My story – Crisis of a gay couple
18.2.5 Gay couples: illusions and disappointments
 
19 GAY INTERGENERATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
19.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
19.2 DOCUMENTS
19.2.1 A gay couple with 40 years of age difference
19.2.2 A gay different from other gays
19.2.3 Gay guys and intergenerational sexual fantasies
19.2.4 Different among those who are different
19.2.5 Appearance and reality of a gay life
19.2.6 Gay love between a twenty-year-old and a forty-year-old
19.2.7 A gay couple 27 years together  
19.2.8 Regrets and gay morality
19.2.9 Doubts of a gay 40-year-old 
 
20 GAYS AND PREVENTION 
20.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW 
20.1.1 Statistics on sexually transmitted diseases
20.1.2 Risky approaches to sexuality by younger guys
20.1.3 From gay dissipation to gay commitment
20.1.4 Gay love and HIV test
20.2 DOCUMENTS
20.2.1 About unprotected gay sexual intercourse
 
21 OCCASIONAL GAY SEX
21.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
 
22 DANGEROUS GAY DATING
22.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
22.2 DOCUMENTS
22.2.1 Violence and gay sex 
22.2.2 Power and gay prostitution
22.2.3 University gay prostitution 
22.2.4 Gays and risks in chat 
22.2.5 Learning from gay experiences
 
23 SEX IN GAY-STRAIGHT RELATIONSHIPS
23.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
23.2 DOCUMENTS
 23.2.1 Sex between a gay and a straight
23.2.2 Temptations of a gay guy in vacation
23.2.3 Gays and repressed instincts
23.2.4 Gay guys who see straight friends as gay lovers
23.2.5 Gay-hetero relationship and sexual embarrassment
 
24 LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY 
24.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW 
24.1.1 Latent homosexuality and marriage
24.1.2 Gays and available guys with latent homosexuality
24.2 DOCUMENTS
24.2.1 Is he a latent gay? 
 
25 GAY SEX FANTASIES AND OBSESSIVE CONTENTS
25.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
25.1.1 Gay sex fantasies and obsessive contents
25.1.2 A real case of gay-themed obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) 
25.1.3 Sexual abuse and obsessive contents
 
26 MARRIED GAYS
26.1 GENERAL OVERVIEW
26.1.1 Homosexuality as guilt-pathology and marriage as a remedy
26.1.2 Email from a gay guy about to marry
26.1.3 Underestimation of gay sexuality and overvaluation of that hetero one
26.1.4 The reactions of the girls
26.1.5 Gay husbands and conflictive marriage
26.1.6 How married gays live their gay sexuality
26.1.7 Critical points of a gay’s journey towards marriage 
26.1.8 Non-possessive women in love with gay men
26.1.9 Women exploited by gay guys
26.2 DOCUMENTS
26.2.1 A girl in love with a gay guy
26.2.2 A girl in love with a repressed gay guy
26.2.3 Story of a married gay guy
26.2.4 Experiences of a married gay
26.2.5 Gay fantasies of a married man
26.2.6 A married gay guy who has not repented 
26.2.7 Falling in love with a married man
26.2.8 Falling in love with a married guy – a very complicated situation

SEXUAL ABUSE AND OBSESSIVE CONTENTS

The connection between sexual abuse and obsessive content related to sexuality deserves further study. I will consider two different situations, the first concerning a gay guy who has been abused in childhood and who presents a gay sexuality deeply conditioned by the experience of the abuse, the second concerning a straight guy who has been abused in adolescence and has developed a gay-themed OCD (I will only deal with the case of a OCD that had already manifested before the abuse). The situations, despite their substantial differences, have a fundamental aspect in common: the identification of the victim with the abuser. Let’s start with the first situation.

1) A gay guy, who has been sexually abused in childhood, has a gay sexuality that in the first meetings with his partners does not present particular problems but, if the relationship deepens, the guy gets to confess to his partner that he has been sexually abused, nevertheless he does not tend to feel as the victim but almost as the co-responsible if not as the promoter of the abuse, he tries anyhow to involve his partner in his obsessive fantasies concerning the abuse with insistently (obsessively) repeated questions about the circumstances of the abuse, asking him what he would do if he found himself in similar situations; faced with evasive or patently disinterested responses, the guy seems incredulous and attributes the lack of interest in sharing that particular sexual fantasies on the part of his partner to an alleged moralism of the partner himself, however the insistence does not cease even in the face of an obvious lack of interest but becomes even more pressing, as if the guy wanted to obtain a confession analogous to his own. The obsessive insistence on the partner goes as far as to induce him, in more or less long time, to distance himself and interrupt the relationship.

It is evident that the memory of the abuse has become a sexual archetype from which it is difficult to get free, and here a mechanism characteristic of the abuse is triggered: the victim imagines himself in the role of the abuser, situations of discomfort even very strong are created this way, because the victim sees himself as a potential pedophile and develops pedophile fantasies in which he assumes, in an oscillating manner, both the role of victim and abuser.

Basically the projective identification with the abuser and his behaviors favors guilt feelings and strongly weakens the possibility of rationalizing the memory of the abuse and of living a sexuality not deeply conditioned by the abuse itself.

2) In the case of the straight guy with a pre-existing gay themed OCD, the abuse in adolescence creates objective complications that cannot be ignored because it does nothing but feed the OCD, even though it cannot actually destroy the guy’s straight sexuality. The mechanism of identification with the abuser, in this case, cannot lead to true gay sexual fantasies (because the guy is a straight guy) but only to obsessions and gay compulsions which, as is usually the case in the OCD, remain, at most, at the level of masturbation and, in almost all cases, never materialize in real sexual relationships. The gay-themed compulsions and obsessions are perceived as deeply disturbing compared to the true sexuality that is and anyway remains straight.

The identification with the abuser can however be more complex when the abuser is not really a gay man but he is a married man or a man who has children, that is when the abuser is or appears to be a straight adult, with whom the straight guy with OCD can easily identify on the basis of the following projective mechanism: ”He is straight because he is married and has children, but if he abused me it means he also had gay fantasies and could not refrain from putting them into practice, but I am straight too, because I have a girlfriend and I have sex with her, but I also have gay fantasies, so in the end I won’t be able to stop myself and I’ll end up needing to have sex with a man. How can I be with a girl if I already desire men and know that sooner or later I will betray her with a man? I am fooling my girlfriend into believing that I am straight, but it is not so!”

In this case the identification mechanism acts through different paths but it is no less disruptive than in the case of the gay guy and creates the risk, sometimes lived obsessively, but objectively not very concrete, to lead to the breakdown the relationship with the girl.

The deeper identification with the abuser leads to two closely related consequences:

1) the responsibility of the abuser appears to be much lighter;

2) even if in such situations it’s evident that in any case no responsibility can be charged on the victim, the victim himself overestimates his own presumed responsibility up to the point to consider his own behavior decisive, and consequently to experience guilt feelings objectively unjustified.

In the two cases presented, the most suitable conditions to overcome obsessive thinking are realized when the guys have their ”real” emotional life, that is:

1) in the first case, when the gay guy lives not a unilateral falling in love but an authentic love story with a guy with whom a relationship is created that is completely independent of the fantasies related to abuse, fantasies which can also remain but marginalized and spontaneously not shared, fantasies that are not considered as a taboo but are very rarely argument of conversation. In essence the stories that materialize or tend to materialize only or mainly in terms of more or less spontaneous sharing of fantasies linked to abuse are not true love stories and therefore do not contribute to the overcoming of obsessive thinking;

2) in the second case, when the straight guy lives a love story in which the girl knows that the guy has been abused and realizes that the obsessive thought linked to the OCD can cause the guy to question his heterosexuality. The OCD has a strong conditioning capacity in two cases:

a) when the girl tries to ignore obsessive contents, pretending that they do not exist;
b) when the girl emphasizes the obsessive contents and offers them a sound box that amplifies their effect.

OCD must be tackled with awareness but without dramatization.

_____________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum:  http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-sexual-abuse-and-obsessive-contents

GAY COUPLE AND CATS

And well … and what have I to say? … I’m ashamed to talk about these things, these are our own things, they are private things and then why should I talk about it with you? So you write them and then someone reads them? … and what does Peppino say? Did you ask Peppino about? …

Well, he always says yes, he never said no to anyone … he’s a good man, no, no … I really can say this … he’s a really good man … but sometimes he exaggerates a bit … now in our building people take him for crazy, but he’s not crazy at all … no, no … it all started with the story of cats … yes, yes, cats … we had a cat, just one, to keep a cat at home is something that many do, then he came with another cat, a newborn kitten, he says that that the kitten was abandoned, had no mother, and would have made a bad end … and what does he do? … He thinks that he can be the mother … yes, yes, the mother of the kitten, yes … do you believe that a newborn kitten is like an adult cat? … he had to nurse the little kitten with a dropper and not once … seven or eight times a day … in short, the story was that he put aside whatever else and took care only of cats …

Then, when the little kitten had not grown up yet he brought me another one … and what was I supposed to do? We took also this third cat! And what should we do? I told him … and what do you want to do? Did you become a cat-keeper? You must think of me, not of cats! If I was a cat you would take care of me even more than how you really do … but now you have to think of cats! … And he felt like a beaten dog and I said: And smile a little! On! You are my cat-keeper! … In short … we have arrived to have eight or ten cats at home … eight! Did you understand? … Alright then! But this way he was happy … and what had I to do … in short, we took them …

Then another story came to his mind … that there were other cats at the municipal park and that nobody thought of them … so I said … “Listen Peppi’! … but it is not that now we want to bring home all the cats in the city?” And he said: “Absolutely not! … You don’t even have to think about it … ” … but the fact is that now the little kittens had grown big and he used to go out in the morning to bring food to cats at the municipal park … and it is not that he brought the leftovers … no , no … in the evening he cooked … yes, yes! … He cooked especially for cats and all good stuff that I would have eaten it too …

Now you know how it is people here … in short, that they are always busy but not with their own business. They saw him go out with the bags in the morning and they all knew where he was going … when he passed by they said: There, see there? The cat-keeper is there! … and I had become the friend of the cat-keeper.

At the beginning he used to leave the food for cats near the building in the center of the municipal park … then once they put a fine on him … because they said that he used to dirty everything … in short, that there was danger that the rats would arrive … in short, 150 euros! Did you understand?

But do you believe that those of the municipality have ended it so? … certainly not, that those employ so many people, a lot of people that are there without doing anything … and because people called him “cat-keeper” … what did they do those good people of the municipality? They sent the social worker … a woman … but I told her … “But what are you looking for here?” That I never thought it was for cats, in short you have understood what I thought … and what had I to think? .. So she began a preach … and hygiene … and the house dirty … and spy behaviors … exactly so … but what? That it was she the spy … not my little Peppino, who has always been a good Christian! …

So you know what the social worker did? … she gave me a book … and said that the municipality had done it … but now it was not really a book … in short, a small thing, a booklet … the Handbook of Eco-cat-keeper! Eh! Yes, yes! … the Eco-cat-keeper Manual … did you saw what they do at the municipality? … and then people say that municipal employees do nothing! … So just to start the conversation I told her … “But if you ever have to give me the cat feeder handbook you would have to avoid arguments such as spy behaviors”, but she was getting nervous, in short, we took this booklet … but that was a crazy thing! And it says he had to clean up before putting the food … and then he had to collect everything, everything … saucers … in short, everything … and it said that if the cats left excrements nearby he had to remove them with the shovel, and had to put them into a closed bag, but then it says that you cannot throw such waste in the dumpster … in short, what had he to do? Had he to bring excrements home?

Now they have made that law that if you have a dog and the dog poops on the ground you have to collect it from the ground… and that’s okay … but now also that of cats? But how is it that before, when Peppino did not go there, there were excrements on all sides and no one worried … and now that he goes there the social worker comes out of the blue? She certainly doesn’t go there to clean, she only comes here to annoy us …

Three or four months ago Peppino got sick and was hospitalized for 15 days … My god! How terrible have been those 15 days! … I didn’t understand anything about cats … he was at the hospital, but he didn’t worry about what illness he had … no! He thought only of cats … do you understand? … And what could I do? … in the morning and in the evening two hours and two hours with him at the hospital and all the other time I was cooking for the cats, to keep those at home, that those were about ten, and then I had to go to the municipal park … to bring food to the cats that were there … and clean up first and clean up after …

And then there was a policeman at the park … who was there just because he had to check that I did everything according to the cat book … and what do you want to do? … there are so many jobs in this world … and he had to control me … he was always there!

Then Peppino came out of the hospital and thank God everything went well … and I felt happy! Yes, I had some little things to do but he was the chief of the army! He took all decisions … you know those things that you have to understand if the cat is sick … if you have to take it to the vet … that little pension money we get monthly we spent it all to feed the cats and take them to the vet …

But now all this story what does it have to do with you? … Ah, ok, … Now, look around! … Are there cats at home? … Neither one! Peppino took them to the board … as there are the boards for Christians … there are also for cats … and do you know how he was convinced? … Well that’s another good story … in short, one day another social worker comes … that when she said “social worker” I was already closing the door in her face … I said to her: But another time with the history of cats? She looked at me and said: “What?” … the social worker of history of cats had nothing to do with her! …

She told me that it was for an application that Mr. Giuseppe had sent to the municipality … but what application? I didn’t understand anything! I told her: “Excuse me … but what question? I don’t know anything!” She pulled out a card, which was just as Peppino writes. So in the end she told me that he would have to show up at the hospital’s pediatrics on Monday morning and she left me a card … then she looked at me and told me: “But did you understand correctly?” Exactly her words … And I replied that I am an old man, and I’m also an invalid, but I’m not stupid … well … and so she’s gone …

When Peppino came home with the bags of cats, looking at that card he become more and more cheerful and then he explained it to me … he said he had sent the application to be a volunteer at the hospital … I told him: “But what can you do? You’re not a doctor, you’re not a nurse … you cannot do anything! … but what are you going to do there? You can only annoy them” … I told him just like that … well, you have to see how he became dark, it seemed that the world had collapsed on him … and what had I to do? … well, it was too hard for me to see him this way and so I told him a little bit of good things, you know, what you tell when you have to be forgiven … I told him he was a good man … that Peppino is really a good man, that it’s always better for Christians that for cats … that also those are poor beasts … however, but the Christians are another thing! Then I told him: Would you like a coffee? … We never quarrel, but when there has been some disagreement … because in many years there has been some disagreement … when we made peace we had a cup of coffee together … In short, we had this coffee and he was newly all happy … that when Peppino is in a good mood it’s a beautiful thing to see! …

Now he didn’t know anymore what he had to do with cats … those at the municipal park were alone before and would have been alone even after … but he sent a nice letter to the social worker and explained to her everything clearly, that he couldn’t anymore care of the cats and that she should have taken care of the cats herself … the social worker! She would have to became cat-keeper herself! Then he thought of our cats … I told him: let’s keep one! We have always kept a dozen cats at home … even they are beasts deserving care! … And he told me that cats carry diseases and that you cannot work at the hospital and keep cats at home … and now the world has turned up-down!

So he did so much and said so much, that our dozen cats have been settled all of them: three or four by people in the building … he said that so he could see them, four or five other, the younger ones, by our friends and two or three to the sister. Those he had given the sister were those who were the sick ones and had to be more looked after … I will not tell you how the sister reacted! She said: “Do you want to give me some cats? … but at least give me two cats cats! Not those who can’t even stand up! But Peppino … was about to devour his sister! “You must love the beasts, that if you treat a beast this way, when it will be your time the others will treat you the same way!” … well in the end the sister has taken the old cats … and now Peppino has already gone to annoy his sister many times because he had to know how the cats were! …

Well, then he did the medical examination … they found a little bit of high blood pressure and the doctor said he was lucky that they measured the pressure and now he takes some pills … some small ones for the pressure … anyway they accepted his application and considered him suitable … He was frightened that they could not accept him for the story of the pressure … then they made him attend a course … and what an interesting thing it was … I too have looked at all the things they gave him … you know, all the things of hygiene and then how the hospital is organized and how to receive the relatives … in short, all such things … but there were a lot of bad things about the diseases of children … there were certain … my God! But in short, you must know some things if you want to be a volunteer … and then if he has to work at the hospital he must know how to behave … then, after the month of the course, because it lasted four weeks and he was there three afternoons a week …

In short, after the course I don’t tell you what he did on the first day he went there, he had not slept for three days, always thinking he had to go there … he was all stunned so that in the morning it was I the one who had to make coffee, he could hardly stand up and I said, “But now that you go to the hospital why don’t let yourself be hospitalized? But don’t you see that you cannot stand up!” But he looked like a spring, jumped on one side and the other … I accompanied him to the hospital but he didn’t let me in and we said goodbye by the gate. I went home and I prepared lunch … something very appetizing … because he was doing something important … at least that was how he considered it …

When he got home he couldn’t refrain from talking … and this and that … he had found what he wanted to do … that we don’t have children, that if we had had children, they would have become old too … that he was at ease among the children that they called him grandfather and he was happy … but also told me how some sick children were … My God! How does Peppino find the courage to stay there? Those things are bad, are just things that make you heart hurt … what you say? … an old man … and that’s fine! But a baby! Jesus! But why? Those haven’t even started …

So let’s leave aside the bad stuff … in short, Peppino was really happy … then he got the idea! He looked at me and told me: But why don’t you come you too tomorrow? I thought he wanted me to go with him … and I said: “Okay, let’s go tomorrow together” … And he smiled at me but you had to see! He made himself red rand gave me a kiss … something that is really rare between us … I was asking myself: “How is all this history?” Then I understood … Peppino wanted me to became a volunteer too! … but I hadn’t understood anything! … and now? And what could I do? I couldn’t tell him: Look! You didn’t understand anything, I thought I had to accompany you and not that I had to do what you do … And no! And how do you do? A thing like that? … and no! Peppino a thing expected and I … what had I to do? … So I told him that the next day I would send the application form. He was happy … but now, you don’t have to tell Peppino about this misunderstanding … no! Otherwise you put me in trouble! You don’t have to write this! If you don’t want to make me really angry! … So, we understood each other? … okay …

So I was saying that then I sent the application form but I have not been considered suitable … now if it’s good or not good I don’t know, but in the end I think I would have been well there … yes, yes … ok, it’s over this way … all right … well I had done it for him … but I too somehow liked it, before I didn’t have such idea, but then, slowly … So now Peppino goes there three times in the morning and three times in the afternoon and I stay at home … I have to go to the municipal park to take care of cats there … but he bought me a plastic suit … when I come back I have to wash it right away … you know, the hygiene! … but now it’s me the one who takes care of cats … and do you know how he calls me? When he comes home he tells me: “You are my handsome cat-keeper!” … And smiles happy … and what had we to do? But now he’s really happy …

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